I don't even know where to start, a part of me does not even believe I'm writing this, but my arm aches like a and I need some advice...
I have issues, but then again who doesn't?
I have had a difficult childhood, I was sexually abused by a loved one, and then physically abused by my parents. During this period I became anorexic, I think I was trying to look as unfeminine as possible, I don't know, but I just couldn't eat, ever... Throughout these problems I had a best friend, she was my only friend as I was getting talked about in high school as the one with 'issues', we spent all our time together, either she sleeping over at mine or me at hers, we even went to college together and were roomates. I did not have a boyfriend as I had huge issues with sex, she also had family problems so we were everything to each other, friends, family, confidant everything.
Then she died in a car crash.
I guess that was the first time I ever hurt myself, this was four years ago, and I could not handle her dying, I was numb for a few weeks, like a walking zombie, I never thought I was the type to self harm, but I guess it happened by accident, I was cooking, my hand fell accross the hot stove and I kinda just left it there. That was the first time I cried for her, though a part of me knows that I was really crying for myself, yes I missed her terribly, but for the most part I was just soo pissed off, I felt like she had abandoned me... I did not know who I was without her.
I moved countries on impulse and was partying every night getting drunk, being stupid and sleeping around, though I hated sex and did not even enjoy it, I did it for the company.
I was my own worst enemy... Then I met a guy, he looked at me and it was as if he saw through me, he kinda did... Thought I was vulnerable and self destructive, we saw each other a lot and he inspired me to start again, I registered to finish university, I started eating like a normal person... It lasted about a year, he broke my heart, and I stopped going to university, stopped eating and basically fell back into old patterns, I will wake up in the morning with burn marks on my arm and not even remember burning myself, I can safely say I was almost always blacked out in 2005.
My 'thing' with this guy went on and off for years (even up until yesterday), we never officially dated again, but anytime I was really low I would seek him out, he never made me feel like I had problems, he told me when I was being ridiculous and he actually made me want to better myself... This lasted until he got bored of having sex with me, I'll find myself alone again and fall back into old patterns.
When he went away for work I saw it as the perfect opportunity to get back on track, I figured that when he returned eight months later, he will see how much I had grown and changed and want to be with me properly... I worked, stayed out of any negativitive influences and was focused on the goal of his return, sometimes I slipped... But compared to the past I was almost normal. Then I met another guy, he fell in love with me, as I was... I did not believe him and spent months pushing him away, but he stuck and I was happy... For the first time. My ex came back into the country and I did not even care because I was happy...
But then he started treating me really badly, I felt helpless and began to cut as they were easier to hide than burn marks... He finally dumped me, said he was not ready for such a serious relationship, two days later I found out I was pregnant, I thought I wanted an abortion but was not really given the opportunity as a week later I had a miscarraige, something to do with stress...
Once again I felt alone, abandoned and betrayed, I ran to my ex who was there for me for all of two weeks, before ignoring me again, I even hooked up with him a week after the miscarriage, it hurt so bad the next day, I knew I shouldn't have, but I guess I was that desperate... He gives me mixed signals, pretends to care about me, hangs out with me so I won't sit at home crying or cutting and then leaves me alone again... Which makes everything worse, the give and take.
I know he's bad for me, but he is the only one that makes me forget eevrything, he treats me like I'm normal and doesn't tolerate any self pity from me... But then he leaves and I sit there and feel totally completely damaged.
To top it all off during all the medical check ups after the miscarriage, I found out I had a blood disease, nothing I caught, but something I was born with that does not really become evident until adulthood. She basically said that if I'm not really careful, take blah blah medicines and stuff like that, if I don't take perfect care of myself and my health, any day now I might get sick and die... Perfect.
I call my ex, he comes and sleeps next to me for a week, I feel safe then he walks away again.
Everything I wrote in the last four paragraphs happened in the last three months... I have been doing really badly, I am barely sleeping, I'm throwing up everything I eat and I'm cutting again, worse than ever before.
I feel like I have absolutely no control of my life.
In the past three months I have done everything possible, I am a total wreck and I've managed to lose about twenty pounds.
I need someone who has been through this to tell me what to do...
I feel completely helpless, I have no relationship with my parents, I have no one here to talk to, no one to even distract me, I don't have money for therapy, and there's a wait list on the NHS... I feel completely and utterly alone, like if I died no one will notice, or rather care... To think that I am posting on a forum...
Anyone from London who wants to be buddies or something, that will be great too.
xxx
