Can't get a straight answer

[wishiknew]

So she's already said that she can't do the relationship thing right now and just isn't sure of what she wants. Said she would still be my friend, is afraid of losing me completely as she still wants me as part of her life.

I tried looking for answers, getting some closure but I am getting nothing. We've spent some time together before Christmas and I thought things were good, but I was seeing things as I wanted to see them. I was told not to get my hopes up "because we're getting back together anytime soon." I asked if we were through, if it was over and again the answer was "for now."

 

So my question here folks is what do I do? I truly love her and did see myself spending the rest of my life growing old with her. We were best friends first and everything else was secondary. Problem is, she just doesn't feel the same way towards me she once did.

Am I being let down gently, being kept around as a backup/something to fall back on?

[heloladies21]

Yup.

 

Now it's time to take matters into your own hands and make the separation happen yourself cause she's not strong enought to do it. This is the next step for you.

[Newo Ikkin]

Sounds like its screaming in her head, but she cant bring herself to do it.

 

Save yourself pain in the long run man, you need to finish it.

 

It hurts to hear people suggest that and its even harder to do, but she's waving red flags for a future with you.

[blender]

Okay, I'm so sorry you are hurting, I've been there, so I'm going to be blunt here... I hope it's helpful..

 

It seems she has given you a straight answer, but you do not want to accept it, so she then becomes "polite and kind" and phrases it different ways, but it's VERY STRAIGHT ANSWER IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID; "that she can't do the relationship thing right now and just isn't sure of what she wants. Said she would still be my friend, is afraid of losing me completely as she still wants me as part of her life" AND "I was told not to get my hopes up "because we're getting back together anytime soon." I asked if we were through, if it was over and again the answer was "for now."

 

So what part are you confused by? the fact that she sill "wants you in her life"? well is it okay and comforable and self respecting for YOU to still be in her life right now as a "buddy"? I would hope not.

 

Are you confused by?: "I asked if we were through, if it was over and again the answer was "for now."

 

Well it's exactly what she said, "NOT NOW".... and so although I'm so sorry it breaks your heart, and you want to "read between the lines"... well, for right NOW, she is NOT ready to be in a relationship with you.

 

So the most powerful, attrative, self respecting thing for you to do, is to start "no contact" immediately. Let her live with the consequence of breaking up, and take this time to "heal" for yourself.. cry, grieve, be sad for awhile, but do NOT contact her..

 

If you continue to contact her of course she's going to be "polite, caring, nice" but eventually this might lead to her resenting that she has to keep talking to you, OR it might lead to you be resentful because you want "more" yet she has already told you she is NOT ready right now.

 

Of course she still wants you in her life, because it's a nice security for her, it alleviates her guilt and responsiblity in the break up, and her curiosity as to what you are up to, and she can all along be the "good guy" and still move on with her own life....

 

so although it's so tough to do, (the right thing usually is), I would lovingly suggest that you start "no contact" immediately, for your own sake.. and so she can actually have the opportunity to discover what life would be like without you just "being there" for her.. this could lead to her discovering just how much she does love you... but if you keep up contact she may never get enough space and time to 'DISCOVER AUTHENTIC LOVE" for you...

[olena]

Hi wishiknew,

 

I am getting the same answers from my partner with whom I have been with for 6 years. Not now - I don't want to be in a relationship - I love you but I don't want to lose you - but you don't fit into my life like a partner at the moment- it's over 'for now'...

I have spent the whole of 2006 asking questions, trying to find answers...and then only thing I ended up with has been arguments, and tears in my eyes...

I am due to move out of my flat soon to give him space...

 

And deep in my heart, I know that if I stick around and play friends, this man will never miss me...he will have all the good things about me with out any commitement, without any obligation - plus not guilt not real fear of losing me and not real reason of ever wondering what it's like not have in his life all the good things that I have been giving him all these years....

 

It hurts me deeply, and after 6 years I can not every begin to imagine what my life would be like without him in it....but people only learn to appreaciate something once it';s gone...

Trust me - there are no answers in the questions that we are both asking...answers will only come with time. For now we can only keep our head up ( and I have failed to do so in the last year) and leave...

 

I feel for you...I know what its like not to have answers and closure...

 

O

[wishiknew]

thanks for the advice, some days its as though i'm seeing something that i want to see, something i hoped would be there but truly is not.

I'm having a hard time with the NC thing, it's only been 4 days but seems like an eternity. I jump everytime the phone rings, half expecting it to be her, but it never is.

Trying to move forward without moving on, is this a bad thing to still have hope?

[blender]

Of course it's not a bad thing to still have hope, in fact that is PART of the reason for "no contact", because that "hope" is for YOU too... that you will heal, and you will. She's just young and not ready for a relationship with anyone, do not take it personally, I know that's so much easier said then done, but You are special in her life, and now you are showing so much self respect by trying to maintain "no contact".

 

We all know that feeling of jumping when the phone rings, or feeling like you are walking through emotional cement each day that goes by, but you will get stronger, and she now has the opportunity to "miss you" too... for today, give yourself a break, be proud that you've made it four days, breathe, take a walk, cry, talk to friends, vent on this site, be with family, watch a great action movie, get yourself busy if you can.

 

You're doing great, you at least "trying".. so give yourself a pat on the back, and know that this pain will pass, it will. Who knows what the future holds, and it may even be you and your ex together, but for right now, for today, you are going to take care of you.