Confused

[Lovely2400]

I am struggling to understand my feelings...You see I left my husband for someone I thought I loved and he loved me. How wrong I was on that one. He dumped me a couple of weeks ago. My feelings are still strong for this guy but I know he wont have me back.

 

My husband and I are going through divorce but I still have lots of contact as we have a daughter together and were married for 16 yrs. He has always continued to love me and want me back despite everything I have done. Now He knows I am on my own again he seems so much happier..I have always missed the family life and home we shared but I am so confused that my relationship breakup is clouding my judgement on how I feel about my husband. I do love him but am I in love with him..that I ask myself..Is it because I am lonely again and just need to be with someone, how bad is that. I have no right messing with my husbands heart and giving hope to a reconciliation if I really don't love him...but do I ?? I am so messed up, the pain I feel for hurting so many people is tearing me apart, I feel I have no control on how I feel and need to some guidance..which road should I walk??

[forza2]

Well,

 

I think (my opinion is, and it doesn't mean its right for you) once you made the decision of leaving your husband after 16 yrs, you should just walk and never go back to your husband. If 16 yrs wasn't enough for you to understand if you're in love with him, or just love him you'll never find out. I'm sure if you go back to your husband, you'll end up hurting him again, and again. After all it sounds like your 16 yrs of marriage didn't mean anything as you mentioned, "I left my husband for someone I thought I loved "!!!! You "thought" you loved the guy and he loved you, and he dumped you. I don't think you're in love with your husband, and as you're all alone you're reconsidering his company. If he's happy, leave him alone and just get on with your life. Again, I want to stress the fact that your 16 yrs together didn't mean ANY THING and that's why you walked away, so that's good enough to say that you will walk away from him if presented the opportunity. I can be nice and lie to you and make you feel better, but consider this, if I lie to you, you might start lying to your self, and get back w/your husband and lie to him that you're in love with him. clearly you like him, but you're not in love with him!

 

If I was in his shoes, I would rather a divorce than couple more years of marriage with a wife who would just leave me after 16 yrs, for some guy.

 

Here's my to do list if I was you:

 

- Go through the Divorce

- Take time off of ANY relationship to get back on track

- Start Dating

- Keep friends w/no benefits with my ex-partner of 16 yrs

 

> Please note that All I said was my own opinion and would show what I would or would not do given the circumstances, and does not reflect your life or doesn't in any way mean its gonna be the right move for you. Just an opinion.

 

Happy new year and good luck

[blender]

For right now, just feel your heartache, it's going to be okay. You've made some choices and you took some risks, that's life, now you can learn about yourself from all this... take time to be on your own, I know it's so difficult to imagine just trying to be on your own, but it's the right thing for now. Your ex husband is NOT where you need to go right now for comfort, but perhaps in time you will "learn" that "love" takes effort, work, commitment, and compromise. Being "in love" is not a magical fantastical no problems fantasy, that is in the movies. "In love" in real life, is about sharing values, standards, making an effort to make the relationship a priority and remember to respect each other.

 

Right now you are in pain, and it's a valuable opportunity to "feel your feelings" and to live with them for awhile, work through your tears by taking a deep breath and knowing that even though the grass may seem greener on the other side, that no matter where YOU go, there YOU are.

 

So work on you for right now, let your ex-husband know that you are sorry for all the pain you have caused, and as much as you'd like to go back and do things differently, well, that's not possible, but the good news is, you are learning what is precious and what is valuable in your life, and it starts with having value for your sense of self.

 

Forgive yourself. Take care of yourself, your daughter, respect your ex-husband, respect yourself and take time to just concentrate on being a good mother, a good person, and know that love will be in your life again, a healthy, mature, loyal, committed, sexy, respectful love... and it might be with your ex-husband and it might not, but for right now, it's best to just work through your own issues for today.. and it starts with forgiving yourself...

 

You are so vulnerable right now, so take time to not re-act to this vulnerability but instead "work through it", taking the time to just feel your feelings, and be on your own, and continue to co-parent your daughter with love and respect for HER INTEREST first...

 

the guy you left your husband for, was not "the answer", he was just a syptom of a deeper issue in your life, you are searching for some fulfilment that can not come from "outside of you" it will come from inside of you...just taking the time to cry, grieve, learn from all this... and grow.

 

It's always darkest before the dawn, it's okay, this will all work out, because the good news is, YOU are willing to look at your own choices, be accountable for them, learn from them, and take all this new found life confidence into the better YOU that is ahead...

 

I know you are hurting, but sometimes in life we just have to be "sad" for awhile, just so we can actually learn what is of real value, it's an important opportunity... take it for what it is, a life lesson, hold your head up high, forgive yourself, remember you are strong, you will be okay, even better, and be an example of courage, respect and strength for your daughter...

 

Taking care of yourself right now, and be on your own, this will lead you to understanding how powerful you are on your own, how happiness is always just inside you by choice, and that no one else holds the key to your happiness but you.... I know it's going to be a tough time, but you are worthy of learning from this, and finding love again..first inside yourself for yourself.. forgiveness of self, and then finding your way...one day at a time..

[Soon_tobex]

I have to agree with the advice so far. My opinion: don't go back. You are lonely. You are sad. But, while it would be comforting (maybe) to be with someone familiar - especially when you are sad and alone - you are going back for the wrong reasons. You seem to be going back because you have to, not because you want to.

[Lovely2400]

To you all for taking the time, I value your replies very much.

 

I do need to move on, spend time on my own and get to like me again..even love myself again.

 

My daughter is my world and I owe it to her to be strong and be there for her.

My husband is my friend... I know that in my heart I would hurt him again if I go back. So friends we will stay.

 

Thank you once again, I will let you know how I get on