Help with this one

[martial]

Well after 7 years my GF broke up with me a week ago. Here is the letter she wrote me.

 

I need to take the next step forward by myself. I need to do this not because I dont love you but because I need to start loving myself. I cannot do this if I still feel responsible for and to you. I need to take control of my own happiness. I need to have the clarity to focus only on myself. I let my identity disappear to the point that I dont know who or what I actually want anymore. To figure all of this out I need the ability to concentrate on only what I want and need and not be distracted by the needs and wants of anyone else. I may be making the biggest mistake of my life but that is the risk I have to take in order to prevent regretting not trying to make a life of my own. And I do believe that it would be unfair to not only myself but to you as well if we continued down this path of anger and mistrust. This really is all about me. I started to think about my life and what I was working towards and I realized that I didnt know anymore. My life only had one direction, how to keep you. I acted foolishly in the past year. I tried to cling so tightly to us and you continued to push me away. I know that that is not what you intended to do but I do understand why it happened. When I looked at that it made me realize that I needed to direct my own life and to do that I needed to break the habits I had formed and i know, as recently I saw myself doing it and being unable to stop myself, I have this compulsion to provide you with everything while sacrificing my own needs. The only way that I can see to break these habits is to not be in a relationship. And I am so sorry that all of this happened right when you were starting to see things how I had been seeing them. I am sorry that I let myself get this lost. I know that I love you and will always love. I would not give back the time we have shared for anything. One of my fears is that you are going to stop living and do exactly what I did. It brings nothing but resentment. I dont know what our future holds, whether we will be together or not. But I do believe that if it is meant to be it will be. I do hope that you know that I will always be here for you. You have been like my best friend for 7 years. I do not want to lose that. I do not want to lose you. You are and I hope will always remain a very important part of my life, together or not. I do want to stress that I am not doing this so that I am free to meet someone new. I am doing this because I need to experience life on my own and I cannot be in a relationship, with you or anyone else, and do that. I know that this is all very confusing and painful, I feel it too, if I seem distant or emotionless please know that it is just a coping mechanism, a way for me to get through the days and a way for me to be strong for you.

 

This is the jumbled mess I wrote. I dont know whether it will help or not.

 

I do want you as a part of my life, I cant see that ever changing.

 

I have been bad with the whole NC. I have talke to her everyday since about it. Begged, pleaded cried etc.

 

Where do I go from hear. We are still very close and she still says she loves me. She said she hasnt given up on the hope of us just not right now.

 

All the help given is appreicated....

 

Thank you

[DN]

You must go no contact - it is the only thing that will help you in a case like this. Send her a polite message saying that it is in your best interests now to not talk to her any more so that you are able to move on. Wish her the best and tell her that you hope she finds happiness.

[zrehman]

Hey buddy. She is doing what she wants, which is to be single. She seems confused and obviously still wants you in her life. But if you give her what she wants at the same time with no label to your relationship, she will have all the comfort she needs from you. If you give her space and time alone to think with NC, she could realize that she actually needs you in her life and doesn't want you just as a friend. But you being there for her, is just gonna make her get through what she needs to go through a lot easier.

 

Give her time and space - NC is the best way to go.

[blender]

As difficult at it may seem, "no contact" is the BEST thing, not only for YOU, but if you ever do hope to reconnect with her on a respectful loving sincere level, it would be best if made the mature, courageous, wise, self respecting choice to go "no contact" for now.. just one day at a time, do NOT call her... let her have her time and space as she so graciously asked for... otherwise you are only putting her in a position to be "polite and loving" towards you, and eventually she may grow to resent having to still "be polite" when you call...

 

For now, trust that she does love you, and if you do have the courage to go no contact, well then, and ONLY then, will she have the OPPORTUNITY to discover authentic feelings for you... you can not see the forrest through the trees, so stop being a "tree" right now, and leave her on her own for awhile, and be on your own for awhile, find your own happiness, find new interests, get out there and live.. for now that is the best, most attractive thing you can do....

[martial]

Ok.....SO even after talking to her for a week staight everyday about the break-up and other things. She is away for 4 days. She texted me to say they lost her luggage. I called back a little later to see if they found it. She was annoyed with me and said I will let you know ok. Than texts 5 mins later and said the found it. and she is very relieved.

 

NC Starts tomorrow!!

[wishiknew]

good luck!

i'm going on day 2 of NC and its tough. tougher than i though, but it should only get easier from here

[EddieRentz]

That is BS that she told you about the luggage then snapped.

 

My ex did the same thing, texted me about her internet not working, then when I called her to trouble shoot, she got annoyed... I said nothing about anything other than the computer.

 

This was when NC got the boost in my book... should be for you too. You dont deserve that crap. Dumpers seem to become emotional wrecks too. Let her keep that attitude to herself.

[martial]

AS far a NC goes.....Do I completely ignore her. Or do I just not contact her and if/when she calls me keep it brief polite and nothing to do with the relationship.

I am thinking about 4 weeks of this.

 

Comments?

[wishiknew]

I wouldn't say that you should ignore her, just make yourself less available while still being courteous. That's my take on things anyways.

BUT i'm wondering the same thing sometimes so maybe someone has some more valuable insight.

[blender]

No contact means "no" contact, no calling, no texts, no emails, no im's, no myspace, nothing. It's not about "ignoring" it's about "confronting" your THE TRUTH, and that means, leaving the ex be, let them live with the consequence of having broken up the relationship, and also YOU are respecting thier wishes to end it by leaving it all alone for now, no contact is the BEST thing for your own healing AND if you ever hope for a reconciliation at any point, because sooner or later, "low contact, or polite contact only leads to resentment from the ex or you"... that is why it's NO contact, one day at a time... no games, just be polite and say to yourself , or to your ex:

 

"you asked that we break up, so it's best for me to honor your choice and to respect myself and no longer have contact, and if you "discover" during this time that you want to intentionally make an effort to work on us a couple, well then and ONLY then can you contact me".

[martial]

Why do i keep thinking she is out of town with her friends and all she is doing is fuking around with other guys trying to forget about me....I know that sounds dumb but its a big fear.

[blender]

That's a "normal fear".. but follow it through all the way to a logical conclusion, if she isn't doing that, well then, who cares, if she is, well then, she's not THEE GIRL who you so respect and care for is she?

 

And she is not going to "forget about you"... YOU are a great guy, she's just young and not ready to be in a "real serious loyal long term" relationship with anyone...

 

For right now as tempting as it is to let your mind go all different worse case scenarios, just remember that YOU are worthy of an intentional love from someone, whether it turns out that she rises to the level to do so, or not, you are no longer interested in someone who is not making a loving, respectful intetional effort to make YOU a priority in thier life.

 

No contact, one day at time, and do not choose to respond to any more lame texts about luggage etc.. if there is not a clear intentional questions regarding your "reconciliation" in one of her texts, then there is NO good reason to respond, none.