I ignored my instincts again

[Parsley]

Right...so my boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday. At the moment I'm a state. I had a break up in April which was nowhere near as bad as this, because I wasn't in love with him anymore...but this guy I still very much was...am...I don't know.

 

The thing is - for the last 2 months or so I'd thought things weren't right, but dismissed it all, blaming it on the fact that I had just gone on the pill and I was having trouble at uni, and that it was long distance. I've cried I'd say every day since the beginning of november, save for about 2 weeks totalling up all the random days I didn't - and when I cried, it was always about him. But I never let myself believe that it was him that was making me cry...to me it was the way I was overanalysing pointless things and seeing problems that just weren't there. I find out on Wednesday that the whole time he *was* ignoring me and treating me badly, but he still let me believe I was the problem. I apologised to him on so many occasions for 'acting weird and clingy' and told him that I thought it was my pill and all that, and never once did he say it was him. He let me drive myself crazy, ignoring my friends, and ignoring all my instincts that things just weren't right. Somehow last week we ended up sleeping together (before we broke up) and he admits that he'd been thinking about breaking up with me for awhile, and he really regrets what happened, but he was drunk. That...I can forgive...we all do stupid things when we're drunk. But the next day he reassured me (I'd brought up my insecurities again) and we carried on. He definitely wasn't drunk the next morning...so why would he do that to me, knowing he was going to end it?

 

And I wouldn't feel so bad about it...if it were the first time it had happened to me. When I broke up with my old ex in April, I had been feeling from January that things were terrible between us, but I put it down to me being girly and seeing things that weren't there. I ignored myself, and all the advice my friends gave me.

 

So now I don't know how to feel about anything. How can I possibly trust someone again when the last two people I loved let me believe I was in the wrong, when it was them? I gave him so much...I lost my virginity to him and spent so much time doing things just to make him smile, and now he says that from the start he pretty much thought it would fail because I was going to uni. After the first break up I decided to be strong, and not let what happened before affect me this time. And now the same thing has happened, but worse and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'll meet someone but then end it just because of some tiny thing because now I'm too scared to ignore what my heart tells me.

 

I thought when we first broke up that we could eventually be friends - I managed it with my other ex. But since then, since going over everything that's happened, I'm seriously doubting I'll be able to even be in the same room as him, because he has hurt me so very much.

 

Sorry it's long...once I start typing I can't seem to stop...and it's a lot more preferable to crying which is my only other main activity at the moment.

[friscodj]

Hey P-

 

I'm very sorry to hear you are hurting so much. I know how you feel and I guarantee it will get better for you.

 

Right now, in the midst of this, things will seem hopeless and that you are absolutely convinced you will never find love again. Oh how many times I've said that before...at least 2 many since I was 18...

 

So as this is happening, it is good to process and digest everything everything and do so by yourself, away from relationships for the time being. You've learned a lot from this and have come to some epic realizations here people twice your age haven't figured out yet. Your self-realization and relationship sense alone tells me you have a very good chance of having healthy relationships in the future.

 

In regards to your question, how can you trust again? That choice is up to you as is the choice to listen to and trust what your instincts tell you. These are 2 guys out of 2 billion out there and everyone is different. It will help you to trust again and feel OK with the notion of giving your heart to someone having the memory and freshness of this situation fade, which will come with time and distance I guarantee it.

 

And the least of your worries should be concerning friendship, true friendship with your ex not just being in each other's lives calling each friends as consolation for the pain and feelings of separation from the break up. Friendship has no timeline but your healing process does, and I certainly wouldn't want to have a "friendship" with someone I consider "managing" to have that "friendship" with. It's perfectly OK to be away from someone you've had a relationship with and keep the memories and feelings for them to yourself.