Burned and Afraid

[agualibre777]

I can't help but feel scared and nervous and I have this impulse to break it off before I'm hurt. I don't know why whenever I date someone I feel this way. I don't know if that is what has caused the impending doom, or if it would have anyways. It's hard to say.

 

Whenever I date someone, if they don't call I immediately feel sick and nervous. But honestly, the last few times I dated people I dated all jerks. I've been burned pretty badly.

 

But a little over weeks ago I met someone I really liked. We've talked every day since then, whether in person or on the phone. It's true we've been sexual. But... there is a connection between us that has been absent in all of my past relationships. Just it flows so easily and I feel his way of being is more similar to mine. Soul mates? It very well could be, if there is a such thing. It's early to say, but honestly I could see myself being with him for a very long time. So that is the level of my interest in him, and maybe I shouldn't let myself think that way, I don't know... I just can see how much he would help me grow.

 

Christmas eve he called me twice even though he was visiting many peoples house. I hung up with him the last time around 11pm and he was going to another relatives house. He has many relatives. He was with his cousin and brother.

 

Christmas morning I sent him a text saying "I want to jump you and cover you with kisses". He didn't write me back til last night, with his awwwww that he always sends in response and that we joke about. But I felt bad he didn't call me. He knows I don't care about Christmas at all. Is that irrational to feel that way?

 

I just feel so afraid he is going to hurt me. I am waiting for the day he stops talking to me or disses me, even though nothing he has done implies that he will, everything has been to the contrary. But I feel this impulse to break it off just to avoid being hurt. What do I do???

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me that you are very needy and need to chill out. He called you twice on Christmas Eve and was probably tied up on Christmas day. Be careful about how intense a relationship is in the beginning because it will never sustain that level of intensity long-term.

[n83]

Wow I have the same problem with a guy I'm dating... and in general... Just want to run away so I don't get hurt. So I don't really know what to say. Personally I'm just trying to chill out and not always assume the worst. My guy didn't show up on Christmas like he said he would (didn't even mention coming over when I spoke to him on the phone) and I was really upset last night. The mistake I'm making is I have a REALLY hard time talking to him when something is wrong. Are you able to talk to your guy about your feelings, or are you afraid to for any reason?

[agualibre777]

Yeah, I know I need to chill out. I know it's all in my head. I don't know, however, what to do about it. The pain starts somewhere in my stomach and the nervous feeling starts to spread accross my body. I mean, it becomes a totally physical experience. But it's a familiar feeling. I know it has little to do with him, as much as it has to do with my fears of losing again. My fears that it will all become nothing.

 

I don't want to talk about it with him, cause like the original responder, it would probably freak him out to know I'm feeling that way. I don't know how to cope with my anxiety about it. It's like the moment I start having these thoughts, they take over my body and my mind and my whole experience seems to become so much smaller and narrow. I don't know how to fight my way out of it, so I can stop repeating past patterns of fear and reaction.

 

What about you N83? Why didn't you ask him if he was coming over?

[Hope75]

Perhaps slowing your pace down and backing off a bit on the text messages that leave you wondering what he's thinking if he doesn't answer right away or 'appropriately'.

 

If you know you have a habit of diving in and then retreating, definitely slowing down your own pace and being a bit more cautious would be a good idea.

[agualibre777]

Yes, I agree with that, taking it slower and not contacting if I'm going to worry is a good idea. Maybe just trying to call other people or friends to distract myself if I feel worried. But I think that there is some core thing about me that is wrong in relationships and dating. I wish I knew what it was so that I could recreate things in a positive way...

[n83]

What about you N83? Why didn't you ask him if he was coming over?

 

When 8ish rolled around, I figured he wasn't coming. And I really, really wanted him to. So he called and acted all nonchalant, didn't mention coming over at all but said he was relaxing, watching tv and stuff.. and I just didn't say anything. Maybe I was afraid to hear him offer up an excuse as to why he couldn't come over. I think it was that and also partly because I was afraid to come accross as angry or needy or something like that.

 

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I am not even exaggerating when I say that at times I've even had panic attacks just from thinking about possibly dating someone. I can't stand all the drama and hurt that it takes to deal with being with someone. So just know you're not alone...

 

So anyways, I have no idea what to say to you because I'm going through the same thing, so I'll just tell you what my best friend has told me. She said to try to remain positive, don't always jump to the worst case scenario, and she also told me that if I want my relationships to go anywhere, I have to be able to express my feelings.

 

I've noticed with this new guy I'm dating, I've been kind of a tool. I do this all the time, trying to play it cool and not telling him when he's upset me. I guess if you want respect, you have to command it and show people how to treat you.

[agualibre777]

Thank you so much for your reply. Gosh, isn't it true? Misery loves company. It definitely makes me feel better to know someone else feels the same way and I'm not a total loon... I feel like I have to hide how I feel from him so he doesn't think I'm crazy. I'm trying to remember when my anxiety started with dating and I think I always had it on some level, my first boyfriend tried to have sex with me and then when I wouldn't he brought a different girl to school the next day. I definitely did have confidence in men that showed consistently that they were there for me and always wanted to be with me and only with me, my anxiety was pretty much nil. So, I know it's possible for me to feel safe, it's just been a really, really, really long, long time since I've genuinely felt loved...

 

Yeah, what that guy did to you was messed up. The last four guys I dated did stuff like that on a consistent basis and I think I got to the point where I expect it. And the first sign that someone else might do the same thing makes me paralyzed with fright. I'm so afraid that someone else I care about will just be messing with me. It seems like he is genuine, but it also seems like he is too good to be true... Maybe my self esteem with men has been reduced to rubble so I don't even feel like I deserve anything anymore. It's so painful...

[n83]

Maybe my self esteem with men has been reduced to rubble so I don't even feel like I deserve anything anymore. It's so painful...

 

That made me really sad to read. I honestly believe that there are good guys out there. I hope you still do too. I'm sure you had lots more bad experiences than the one you mentioned (by the way, what he did was really sh***y). I haven't figured out yet how I manage to pick all these "winners." Do you think maybe we are both giving off some kind of jerk magnet vibe? I can't quite figure it out.

 

I guess the painful truth is that sometimes people mess up. I know that now I'm more sensitive to things like being disappointed, because I feel like the hurt will only increase if I stick around to find out how much worse it can get. The truth is, if a guy's not in love with you (which most won't be immediately, or for a while) they might not treat you as carefully as you want to be treated. It's a process that takes time, but if you can find a way to open yourself up to the possibilities, it could happen that this person falls in love with you. Ya never know. It's hard when you're first dating because you want him to call, or text, or something... and if he doesn't just KNOW that, it can be scary and at times disappointing.

 

The signs all show he cares about you.. I mean, he calls and talks to you and shows you he's thinking about you.. Is he in love with you? Honestly, probably not yet. But give it time.. if you can make it through the next couple weeks, those feelings will grow and you'll feel more comfortable with him ... and the scared will go away.

 

Ok, it's 3am and I'm blabbering so I'm off to bed!