Received card from Ex with Gift Card Inside

[lmtl]

My ex and I were together 15 years when we broke up last year. I started by giving him his space hoping that would bring him back, but it didn't. Instead he moved on to someone new. Then we started meeing for lunch & talking on the phone 5 months ago. I hoped it would bring him back, but it just seemed to strengthen his confidence and the bond with the other girl.

 

So when he told me he was meeting her parents for Christmas, I ended things and told him not to contact me again.

 

Just as I was somewhat making it through the hoiliday - 13 days NC, I got a generic card from him yesterday with a gift card inside.

 

I'm thinking of breaking NC & to mail the gift card back with a brief note saying that our last lunch didn't leave us in a gift exchanging place. I don't want to keep it.

 

What should I do. Thoughts, comments, help please.

[DN]

I think you should mail it back but simply with a note that says 'thank you for the gift card but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to accept it.'

 

That is polite but also dismissive and gets the message accross.

[Mr Mister1]

Personally I'd use the gift card and continue to not contact him, but that's just me.

[TaTaBell]

I wouldn't mail it back to him. That takes too much thought and effort.Why not use it? Just think of it as agift from a faceless stranger. You don't need to acknowledge receiving it.You already asked him not to contact you anymore so this was blatant disrespect on his part.

[Ellie2006]

Hi IMTL,

I rarely disagree w/ DN's advice but this time, I respectfully disagree and ask you to consider maintaining NC.

 

Given your past difficulties in maintaining NC w/ your ex, it may be better not to respond at all? If you do not want the gift card, maybe you can give it to someone or even consider throwing it away.

 

My reason for suggesting that you consider maintaining NC rather than sending the gift card back with a brief note: on the one hand, you may get the message accross about where you stand, but on the other hand, don't you think this may prompt him to contact you back w/ a comment that you may feel compelled to respond to etc etc ...

 

Given that he went against your request for no more contact by sending this Christmas card, he may just as easily break NC again, which may make it difficult for you to keep up w/ NC. And I do believe that maintaining distance from him is key at this juncture.

 

Just my two cents worth.

 

Best wishes to you this holiday season,

Ellie

[Scotcha]

Where was the gift card to? Is there any way you can use it to make some sort of donation? That way you can maintain NC and his gift will be for a god purpose AND you won't be buying anything that reminds you of him.

[lmtl]

Thanks for your kind responses. I appreciate having you all to ask for advice.

 

I have not been able to think/sleep/concentrate since receiving this card yesterday because I don't know how to respond. And any response I make I'm sure I will criticize & wish I could "do-over".

 

Maybe it's best to just do nothing.

 

I had deleted his number from my cell, but this morning, I put it back in with the name "Don't Answer". Then I'll know it's him right away and not just pick up the call (it's a work cell, so I automatically answer for any number).

 

Thanks again - a happy holiday to all. We'll get through this - we have each other!!

[Ellie2006]

Imtl,

13 days of NC! You're doing great!

Hang in there and Merry Christmas

[lmtl]

Thanks. 13 days seems like eternity when I spent one third of my life with this man.

 

I truly hope that the posts I've read about healing & moving on happen for me. I'm no spring chicken anymore and I'm finding it hard to believe that I will ever find someone new I can love - even though he had no problem. I never even looked at another man the whole 15 years we were together, and I'm finding it difficult to start looking now.

 

I know it's all in the attitude. My aunt told me..

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right".

 

Hopefully 2007 will be better than 2006

[DN]

The reasons I suggest mailing it back are:

 

1. It is the polite thing to do. And it is always better to take the high road in situations such as this.

 

2. It is an unequivocal message. If you keep it and don't message him in anyway he will be left wondering about how you feel and what you want.

[Wimpy]

The reasons I suggest mailing it back are:

 

1. It is the polite thing to do. And it is always better to take the high road in situations such as this.

 

2. It is an unequivocal message. If you keep it and don't message him in anyway he will be left wondering about how you feel and what you want.

 

 

I have to agree - even more so if you simply put a note along the lines "in view of recent events I do not feel it appropriate to accept this gift" or "please refrain from sending further unsolicited mail".

 

Although my experience is NOTHING as heartbreaking as yours I do know that now over 18 months on the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I took the high road and behaved with dignity.

 

Just my thoughts.....

[hosswhispra]

lmtl,

 

Follow your heart and put yourself first. I am sensing from what you wrote that you would like to keep no contact (NC). To maintain strict NC, I would not even acknowledge the gift card or use it. I would donate it to a shelter. Do what feels 'right' for you.

 

hugs,

hosswhispra

[Scout]

Personally I'd use the gift card and continue to not contact him, but that's just me.

 

LOL, MrMister! Yes, that would be tempting...

 

But, I ultimately agree with DN's advice. Which is basically a variation of what the OP herself instinctively feels she should do.

 

And to the OP, I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I do believe that you're in a better position now to move on. You gave things a shot for reconcilation, but now it's time for you to focus on getting over him and reclaiming your life. It seems it's been on hold for months now, and in 2007, there are better things in store for you, hon.

[moonbeam111]

I would give the card to charity and mail him a receipt. And wouldn't add a word.

[Ellie2006]

The reasons I suggest mailing it back are:

 

1. It is the polite thing to do. And it is always better to take the high road in situations such as this.

 

DN, you're right; this didn't even occur to me

 

Actually, I was thinking that lmtl's ex would perhaps read it as an *impolite* gesture to send back a gift?? And then he would use this as an excuse to contact her again??

 

Lmtl, as some of the others have pointed out above, if you'd feel the most comfortable NOT receiving this from him, then you should send it back. I only suggested doing nothing bc I was perhaps too focused on maintaining NC and you keeping your distance from the ex.

 

If you feel as though your ex is going to disregard your request for NC (regardless of whether you keep or send back the gift card), then you should consider sending it back w/ a brief note (as you intended in your original post). Sorry for being so wishy-washy!

 

Merry Christmas and best wishes to you in the upcoming year!

[Mr Mister1]

You could put it back into the envolope reseal it and mark it "return to sender"