Finding out how serious she is about her "boyfriend"?

[Firefly]

Hi guys, I'm looking for some advice following on from my recent thread about a girl who likes me but has a boyfriend.

 

In a nutshell - I like her, she likes me, but she has been seeing a guy for about 3 months. I have been told that she is just with this guy for some fun and is actually waiting for me to make a move and ask her out... this is a mutual friends opinion.

 

I've decided that I need to find out about how serious she is with this guy and if I get a positive reply I will then ask her out.

 

Anyway, I've no idea how to approach this? Does anyone have any advice as to how I will go about asking her how serious the relationship is with her "boyfriend"? And how I could interpret the possibilities of her reply?

 

Many thanks.

[MasterRickJames]

3 months is nothing, im trying to sway a girl thats been with some dude for 6 years. just ask her out, if its no, to bad, do it early before she clicks with the other guy.

[Hope75]

If she were interested enough to date you she wouldn't be with someone else. She's off limits as long as she is with him.

[NyGentleman]

3 months is not alone time so i say go for it, i was in a situation not to long ago with a chic who was just broken up with her bf of 1.5yrs...we went together for about 4 months when he decided to come back....sucks for me cause she had some serious feelings for him, hopefully it wont work out again...

[Hope75]

The length of time they have been dating isn't the issue. The fact that she is with someone else and is commited to him is.

 

A girl who has a boyfriend is off limits, the same as a guy who has a girlfriend.

 

I know I have enough self respect and enough respect for others not to pursue someone who is taken.

 

What about you?

[denisemarie]

The length of time they have been dating isn't the issue. The fact that she is with someone else and is commited to him is.

I agree, how would you feel if you were that guy?

[RayKay]

Sorry, as long as she has a boyfriend she is off limits. Does not matter if they have been together a week or 5 years...as long as they are together, she is not available.

 

And a girl whom is with someone, and just waiting for another guy to ask her out before leaving is NOT a girl that shows respect for commitment and will not show respect for you in the future either.

[Firefly]

I totally agree about stealing someone from a relationship - but I don't think this particular situation is as clear cut as that...

 

The background to this is in another thread of mine if you are interested. This is here:

 

Heres another bit of information that may (or may not) show that she is into me. She is away for a week over christmas but is back for 1 day in between -she suggested we meet up for a drink - now why wouldn't she want to spend this day with the guy she is seeing?

 

It is possible to be with someone for a bit of fun at the time, and without seeing the person as a long term partner (i.e. a short term fling). I have done this in the past and moved on when someone I'd like to be more serious with came along.

 

The length of time they have been dating isn't the issue. The fact that she is with someone else and is commited to him is.

 

This is the thing - I want to find out how "committed" to him she actually is, because I feel (and have been told by others) that she isn't that serious about him.

 

If I asked her how serious she was with this guy and she said "yes its serious and I see this going somewhere" then I would leave it at that and move on. However, if she told me "its just a bit of fun" then I would ask her out.

 

I have asked her in the past briefly as to how serious it was and she replied "depends on the definition of serious". If it was serious or "going steady" then I guess she would have told me straight out...

 

What I'd like some advice on is how I go about finding out how serious they actually are together...? How would I word my questions?

[Siriana]

You can't ask her if she's serious about her bf .

That's rude and geeky question. Not appreciated at all.

Give up on this girl for a while and find one you like who's free.

How old are you?

[Firefly]

We're both 26.

 

Thanks Ellie, the reason why I believe she is still hanging on to this guy is because she felt lonely about not having a guy in her life and had difficulty in meeting a guy in the first place - she turned to online dating to meet a guy as she was having no luck. I think she isn't sure whether I'm actually interested in being more than friends, so she is holding onto this other guy so she has someone, in the event that I never ask her out.

 

Have a look here as to the signs I'm reading into:

 

There is a lot of background info in the thread mentioned above - I'm really just looking for advice on how to find out the situation between them - so that I can then decide whether to leave it alone or whether to ask her out.

 

She never told me about this guy until it slipped up in conversation - why would she not tell me about him when she openly talks about her close friends a lot?

 

This girl makes a lot of effort to spend time with me. And we have spent time alone the past few weekends and she made me promise her a night out (just us 2) in the new year - I suggested a meal and drinks at a bar - to which she agreed immediately. Other people have commented on how she likes me, long before I realised the signs.

 

Syrix - thanks for the advice - I know that sounds dumb which is why I'm looking for advice on the best way to find out what the deal between them is?

[Boughs]

Meh sometimes you gotta screw morales and screw what your "heart tells you". Sometimes you just gotta suck up your gut, and go for it.

 

If you think its right, go after her... if you are hesitent and not that kind of guy that she wants (which seems to be a guy who is spontaneous) then you shouldn't.

 

Go for her if YOU think so, not what us e-forumers say.

 

So I'm saying, don't listen to any of us. In these pre-relationship situations, I'd say it should be 100% ur decision...

 

My suggestion which you shouldn't take: don't hold back get messy.

[Firefly]

Ellie, thanks for taking time to offer advice.

 

I can see you are warning me that I could get hurt further down the line if I try to pursue this and she behaves the same way... but I need to know where I stand and have decided (as you and others suggest) that I'm going to ask her directly.

 

We are going to visit the local market on Thursday and then for drinks afterwards. I'm going to ask her then.

 

Can you give me some advice on how I should approach this as I'm really clueless and don't want to do it in a completely inappropriate way?

 

I'm thinking of asking her whether her "boyfriend" cares that she is spending time alone with me, and then asking her what the deal is with them. Is this a good approach?

 

Should I ask her how serious they are or should I ask her if they are dating exclusively? Should I ask her whether she sees me a more than just friends?

 

Any help would be great...

[Firefly]

Hi Ellie, thanks, christmas has been great!

 

I totally agree with you about being direct and the grey areas.

 

I'm going to ask her on Thursday.

 

I'll ask her if he is bothered by her spending time with me, then I'll ask her how serious the relationship with him is and whether it's still casual or going steady.

 

If she says it's casual, I'll ask her out on a "proper date".

 

If she says it's going steady, then maybe I'll make a comment as to how I'm bummed I missed my chance, and leave it at that.

 

I have asked her how serious they are before and she replied "depends on the definition of serious". What did she mean by this? If it was serious she would have said so, right? If she says this again maybe I can ask whether it's casual seeing each other or exclusively going out...