he just sent me a letter

[selfi]

...im shaking so much and crying uncontrollably. Before I turned off my computer I checked my email and found he has sent me the following. Its been nearly a month of NC and the pain that this has brought up I never thought would be so plentiful:

 

Hello XXXXX,

 

I am sending you this email to say hello and also because i sent you a letter early this week but the post office returned it because i forgot to put a stamp on it... how silly of me, its the number one rule... and i forgot.

 

I sent you the letter so you would get it before Christmas because i wanted to say hello before then and wish you a safe and happy christmas... a las if i sent the letter again i doubt the postal service would get it to you on time (i just watched seinfeld episode where jerry does newmans mail route... does it to quickly and hence resulting in newman saying he wont be transfered!)

 

i know this email will probably stir up a few emotions, and possibly make you upset (im teary already) but i know you know that's not why i'm sending it, its to see how you are : ) i've been working a bit more, however i have found myself losing shifts this week for some strange reason, yet they are good enough to give me 7am start tomorrow! i got a new phone too, i swapped to optus because telstra phone bill was always too high, as you would know. i got a nokia 5300 its a $50 cap and i can play music on it, jack johnson is my ring tone, i feel like a grandpa trying to work bluetooth. uncle Brian hasn't been well lately, evelyn has been putting him through more * * * * and sending nasty emails, which is upsetting but i think of Bob and i be strong

 

I also have money for your dad put aside for the qld trip and if you give me the bank details i shall pass it over straight away, i was going to go through your ebay and get ur account details but i thought that would be just a bit too sneaky.

 

there's a version of the sims thats out and its about pets, i thought you would like it so i suggest you check it out. how is everyone? friends and fam? have you been applying for any jobs or thinking about uni?

 

Even though we have not talked (and i know how strong you have been) and despite whatever people say, i do miss you and think of you ever day. its hard to sum it up over the net...

 

Have a wonderful and festive christmas, i hope you get your grubby little hands on many presents! And of course eat lots of cake and sweets, which im sure you will have no trouble doing.

 

If you would like to reply i shall see it when it pops up in my inbox, if not, if it is abit too hard i understand and respect that, but i know you're wishing me the best too.

 

xo

 

Ev

 

ps. if you have tried to get into my myspace account or hotmail and can't it is because i changed my password, because hackers have been attacking my myspace, some stupid beast toast thing. i changed it to one of the seinfeld characters pin passwords, and it's not george's bosco either, so ill let you have a guess

 

Its too late for me to call any of my friends, so I really NEED my friends here to help along now. I feel like im going to faint. Please help me,I love him so much and I want to reply so badly

[papalazarou]

Selfi...very quickly what were the circumstances of the "split"...

[Pisces_Princess]

I would reply!

 

I know everybody talks about NC but for me communication is best.

 

His message is very light, follow that. Keep it friendly and chatty and perhaps add that you are missing him too...

 

Just my opinion xxx

[turqoise]

yeah, how did you split?

Just from reading his letter, I think he`s writing to be friendly, but it doesn`t sound like he was the one that was dumped or that he wants to get back together. If he caused the split I would NOT reply. Replying would ease the pain for a bit, but ultimately cause you deeper, longer grief. Like feeding an addiction.

[jessicake]

perhaps wait a few days before a reply.. that way you wont be rash ... or say anything that you wont regret.. maybe you could draft one up in Word and not send it until tomorrow or the next day. Just to ensure you do want to send it!

 

i give u a virtual hug!

[papalazarou]

Write a reply and then post it here without sending to him...?

[Pisces_Princess]

Good idea!

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm I don't know your history.....but my advice is to NOT do anything that may set you back in your healing process. His email sounded very nice...

and also that he didn't want to cause you any undue pain. Many ex'es would LOVE to receive that email....

Whatever you decide to do.......I wish you luck

[selfi]

I honestly have no idea what i would reply to him, it all feels very raw...

I want to tell him how I feel and that I really want to be in contact and see him again. But his words seem distant and like he no longer cares for me to ever be with him again.

 

Im trying to analyse the letter, I feel that he doesnt particulary mind if i respond or not, he was just trying to rid himself of some guilt. Either way I have to give him my account info as he owes my family $500, so should I just send him those details and absolutely nothing else? I feel somewhat trapped.

 

Last month he broke it off with me, we were dating for 9 months and for 5 months before that....this is the second time he has left me

He broke it off this time citing that he "couldnt be with me anymore"

[Lady Bugg]

Sigh...this is tough.

I don't know....hard to say what his intentions are.

When you got back together the last time was it HIS decision?

Did he come back and ask you back? Just curious..because

you don;t want this to become a pattern.

 

If you must contact him....keep it civil...short, and keep details of YOUR life

to a minimum. He revoked the right to know anything about your life when he

left. Don't be cold....but rather "lukewarm".....or indifferent..but definbetely do NOT tell him how you feel.

 

Just my take.

[selfi]

Last time he came back...yes it was his decision. He knew I wanted to be with him but when he did come back he did everything he could to built the relationship from scratch and SHOW me how much he cares for me

Obviousely his most recent actions are on the contrary

 

Thanks for the suggs so far everyone, i feel really hopeless

[sweetheart21]

This letter makes me mad. He knows it will upset you, but sends it anyway. Dont let his weakness mess up all the effort you've made to go a month with NC!

[selfi]

Thanks sweetheart. Theres a part of me that this letter also makes me mad. He knew it would make me crumble, Id have much rather him have called me to say merry christmas then hang up

 

I also dont understand the whole, "forgetting to put a stamp on the envelope thing" it sounds like an excuse for him to type up an easy email. And whats with the whole "guess my new email password?!

Theres also a few other things he wrote that contradict eachother.

 

I do need to send some form of reply...

So do you think I should just send him back a note with the necessary details so he can pay my father back, with nothing else written AT ALL?

[turqoise]

So do you think I should just send him back a note with the necessary details so he can pay my father back, with nothing else written AT ALL?

Exactly. You can do it!

[rosie76]

He did say he was tearing up writing the letter, and from a complete strangers point of view it does seem like he's trying to be nice - though not, as you say, like he wants to be with you again. I think I'd probably feel angry, too - I did when I was getting on with things and my ex sent me an email out of the blue - but I don't think he's actively trying to be nasty at all.

 

Again, though I don't know your situation, that letter suggests that he cares a lot about you as a person even if he can't be in a relationship with you. I was in just this situation and we got back together a zillion times because he _did_ care tremendously and we _did_ get along really well and I was always willing to hope and compromise, but it somehow just never turned into something that felt enough like love on his side. If he's a nice guy who cares for you but doesn't love you, nothing's gained by being nasty to him - it's dishonest to yourself, for one thing, since you love him - but a lot can be lost by trying to be friendly too soon when you feel so much more.

 

So I'd say send back the bank details and a note saying how it really is: i.e. you're not ready to know him as a friend, so friendly contact just hurts and would he please respect your NC.

 

Good luck with this - I know how devestating this can feel and that it's no consolation that it will pass in time, but it will. Take care.

[selfi]

 

So I'd say send back the bank details and a note saying how it really is: i.e. you're not ready to know him as a friend, so friendly contact just hurts and would he please respect your NC.

 

.

 

oh my god, I dont think Im strong enough to do that...

[rosie76]

Well, do whatever feels easiest for you. You're the one that matters now - at least as far as I'm concerned! - so look after yourself the best way you can. Could you get a mate to do the whole bank detail transfer bit so you can continue with NC if it's helping?

 

Again, you've my sympathy. This sort of thing is always rubbish, but maybe worse at the holidays when you're supposed to sit around looking happy. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[sillygurl]

Selfi:

 

Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Nice to hear from you, glad you're doing so well! My bank info is XXXXX, thanks for handling this. Have a wonderful holiday season.

 

-Selfi"

 

Something cheerful, vague and emotionless like this reveals nothing about you, so he is not empowered in knowing you are suffering. I don't know him so I could be wrong, but this letter smacks of self certainty to me...It's like he's reeling you in to see if you're still caught. I know it is cruel, and I in no way mean to be hurtful, but I have a feeling he may be testing you to see if he could possibly still fall back on you, in case another relationship doesn't work out. That sucks to say, so I really hope it's not true...but in case it is, please guard your heart! Otherwise you could keep going through this, taking him back over and over...

 

Love yourself!

[selfi]

Sillygurl, rosie, turquoise, thanks so so much, for your input.

Im going to send a reply to him now. I know it sounds like im blowing this out of proportions, but its been hard for many reasons.

Do you think by me asking if he is interested in keeping in touch is not appropriate?

 

Dear XXXX

Hello.

Its hard to believe tomorrow's already Christmas Day, I was bought a fish in a jug as a present.

It was really nice to hear from you. Would you like to keep in touch?

 

-Selfi

 

??

[Scotcha]

If you send that reply I would leave off the question about if he wants to keep in touch. You have been doing really well with keeping NC and I'm taking a lucky guess here but it really was helping you feel better, right? I mean, think of how you felt after reading the letter?Asking him if he wants to keep in touch just lets him know that it's okay if he tortures you with these games.

 

And really, they are games. The first time you two broke up he had you on this very emotional roller-coaster and he just would not give you the space you needed to heal. I'm so sorry. I know the letter sounds nice and friendly but he KNEW it would upset you and he sent it to you anyway, just days before Christmas. I can't help but think that he sent it to you for just that reason even though he says that he did not. (In fact, especially since he says he did not!) Like he said, you had been very strong with the NC and perhaps his ego can't stand the fact that you are not following him around like a puppy or begging for crumbs. I think the real reason for his letter was to test the waters, so to speak, to see where you are at.. Maybe even to evoke the very response that he did. He probably WAS wondering why you were so much stronger this time around. Don't let yourself fall into the same pattern as before.

 

I also wouldn't tell him that it was nice to hear from him. It wasn't nice, was it? You said it made you crumble.. Selfi, that isn't a nice way to feel. Don't get being polite and being nice mixed up when/if you reply to him. You don't have to be nice to him at the sake of yourself.

 

Another side note... I wouldn't send him your bank details no matter how much you trust/trusted him during your relationship. He knows your name and your address so.. He can send you a check. Better yet, you can give him your father's name and address and he can send your father the check.

 

((hugs))

[rosie76]

Hi Selfi,

 

Have been checking back to see how you were doing - so sorry you're still struggling with this.

 

First off: you are _not_ blowing this out of proportion - for lots of wonderful, natural reasons the people we love are very important to us and breaking up is a loss of that person in a real sense. You'd never give yourself a hard time still being sad about him if he'd been run down by a bus a few months ago, so don't blame yourself for being terribly upset that the part of your life you shared together is done with. Of _course_ what you reply to him now is a big deal and will make you stop and think for a long time. So don't make yourself feel worse by beating yourself up about caring.

 

Second - if you've not already hit send, ask yourself what you want him to answer to that question about keeping in touch. If he says yes, that's more letters like this one, more thinking about what he means by them and what to say back, all of which might hurt a lot more in the long run. If he says no or just doesn't reply to you with the same thought that you've replied to him - remember that because you're the one still in love, it will always matter more to you, no matter how much he cares about you personally - that will hurt loads, too. It seems risky to me either way. And what is the real motivation for wanting to be in touch? Are you hoping it will leave the door open to him coming back again or do you think you will be happier with him in your life as a friend?

[rosie76]

Oh, and of course if you already have hit send, then it's done and that's probably it for a while so try to enjoy the holidays the best you can! What you wrote seemed perfectly reasonable, kind, and light-weight to me, so don't worry about it. You've put the ball in his court for being in touch, and you can always decide not to be in touch yourself later if that's what will work best for you.

[selfi]

Scotcha and Rosie, thankyou for your thoughtful and logical advice. I feel very disappointed in myself, as I sent off the note last night before I read your replys. Im so sorry, please dont feel like im throwing your time and effort in your faces, since I didnt get to read your replys, I thought the whole letter thing was no big deal after all. Sorry again, I didnt even stop to think about his hidden motives in making contact with me wouldnt be as wholesome as he claimed.

Sorry again

p.s Its Xmas day here in Australia right now, so Merry Christmas

[rosie76]

Don't say sorry to us, silly! This is about us supporting you through a tough time. I hope he's warm in his response and you can get to feeling better about the situation between you as soon as possible. I know how bad this can feel, and wish you all the best. Happy Christmas to you, too. Christmas eve here in the US, and all gathering round the tree.

 

Cheers,

-rosie

[Scotcha]

Selfi, you did nothing wrong! In fact, I think you should be very proud of yourself. You are so much stronger and that means you have grown. You are hurting again, yes, but I get a sense of strength from your posts.

 

I could be totally wrong about hidden motives, it is only my opinion after all. And really, how you handle any situation is up to you and anything you decide is the right thing to do.

 

If you decided that the letter was no big deal after all any reply you sent would be perfect. I think we were both airing on the side of caution with our advice to you. And really, that is the only reason why I felt the way I did about your reply. It was not that I thought it was the "wrong" thing to send at all because it was a very nice, polite response. I just don't want him to continue hurting you, that's all.

 

Time will tell if remaining in contact with him will be healthy for you or not. If it is you can be glad that you made the decision to reply and if it is not you can be glad as well knowing that at least now you know for sure. Besides, no matter what you always have the right to change your mind.

 

Selfi, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Family can be a great source of strength and joy. Merry Christmas!