And I was doing so well...

[majord23]

AMG, a couple of questions - you don't have to respond with answers, these are just for you to ask yourself:

 

- What do you hope to achieve by spending time with your ex?

 

- Do you think spending time with your ex is helping you towards reconciliation or just making her feel comfortable with the fact that you guys can remain friends?

[AnonymousMG]

I'll answer them anyway so that I can get opinions on my responses:

 

1) I want to show her that I'm fun to be around, etc. she's going back to school in a week so at that point I'm not going to see her anymore unless she contacts me to plan something. I know its crazy and unlikely, but I think that she might miss me then.

 

2) I think that it is helping towards reconciliation even though that goes against everything I've read here, I know that I'm not going to be able to do this forever though. I'm not planning on giving her an ultimatum or anything, but for now I kinda want to see where things really are.

 

She still says that she is confused so that means that there must be some feelings for me there, otherwise there wouldn't be anything to be confused about. She told me that she didn't even think about it beforehand, it just kinda happened. Like I said in some previous posts, we had quite a few small arguments about things like when we got to see each other. Most of them were because of miscommunications, but they happened nonetheless.

 

She had felt like we needed a 'break' for a while, but we never ended up taking one, (I don't count the 12 hours that she called me crying saying that it was a mistake for her to ask for a break and she changed her mind). I think that if we had really taken that break, things could have worked out differently before we broke up and a lot of the issues we had could have been resolved, but they weren't. It's not good of me to think of this as a break, so I'm not, I'm telling myself that its over, but I can't help but feel that things might work out in the same manner as they would if it were a break.

 

As I'm typing these things, I realize that they sound crazy, and I know that, but I want to see how this next week or so plays out before I make any final decisions about how I'm going to handle everything in the future. I know I sound like I'm still in the very first stage of a breakup, and that may be true, but I feel as though I'm thinking with a fairly level head about the whole thing.

-AMG

[kellbell]

Hey MG,

 

Should not she have realized that you are to be around with when she with you?

 

How she can she truly know her real feelings for you or miss you and if you are still hanging around her?

 

Just some questions I'd thought to throw out there.

[AnonymousMG]

Tonight went terrible... everything was fine, we went shopping, then on the way to drop her off one of our favorite songs came on the radio and I completely lost it in her driveway... I'm a mess again.

[AnonymousMG]

So I spent some time thinking over the past few hours... and i'm still in the same place as I always end up. I've read a few other threads from other situations that seem similar to mine, and it's surprising how common something like this is. I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but I am thinking about asking her if we could get together to talk about everything that happened in person. All contact during the actual breakup was over the phone, then any contact after that (until recently) was online. I don't really know the best way to go about doing this, but I was thinking about planning it for after the snow tubing trip next weekend. At this point, she will be back at school, but I'm on break for another month still, and her school is on my way home from work. The reason for planning it then is that I think that it will probably end up with both of us (or at least me) pretty shaken up, and I don't want to have that interfere with the snow tubing trip. If I don't do it then, it would be early this week so that there are a few days in between that and the trip. I know two months later is a pretty long time to sit down and have that discussion but I think that it might be good. I don't hope for this to result in us being together again, but just a chance for me to talk to her in person about everything. As I'm writing this I'm rethinking making plans with her specifically for this reason as we would both be pretty nervous and wound up beforehand. Would it be better to make plans with her sometime this week and then ask her if we could talk while we're there already? Sorry thats a pretty long ramble about something that should probably be simple but I want to make sure that I do this right.

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well New Years was interesting to say the least. Everything was light and funny, we hugged after the countdown (this isn't the first hug since everything happened). Everybody just slept on the floor and she ended up sleeping right next to me.

 

There was no physical contact through the night, but before we fell asleep, she whispered to me "you can sleep facing this way, its ok". I didn't know if I heard her clearly so I asked her what she said again, and she said "nothing, don't worry about it".

 

Also, at one point I was sitting I stole her seat in a chair when she got up, and when she came back she squished in next to me, I got up and moved and she said "you could have stayed here you know". It seems to me like she keeps doing things like we were still together, whether out of force of habit or because she has feelings for me, I'm stopping her each time and I can tell that it effects her.

 

This morning, when she left she didn't hug me at all, but then she forgot her camera and when she came back I brought it out to her, we shared a very long hug and kissed each other on the cheek. I know a lot of this could be very bad if she really doesn't have any feelings for me, but regardless, I think I need to talk to her about it all sometime soon so I can figure out what's going on. If she doesn't have any feelings for me, then all of this needs to stop because it isn't healthy for me. If she does have feelings for me, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to think about that much right now. I am going to assume that she doesn't and is acting out of habit and if I end up being wrong, I will just see how things go. I don't want to force her to make any decisions that she isn't ready for, but in the mean time she has to stick to what she said she wanted.

-AMG

[kellbell]

Hey MG,

 

Well, as I mentioned before, she is acting as if nothing has happened. The shopping, the texting, now this New Year's Eve Party. I would suspect she still has feelings for you. But like I mentioned before, I suspect she does understand how her actions affect you and hurt you. Otherwise, she would not be doing the things she has been doing. Furthermore, you are allowing her to do so.

 

At this point, I am confused as to what you want to happen. I am not sure what there is to talk about. Maybe I missed something along the way. Not sure. What is it, truly you want to happen and what do you want to get out of what happens?

[AnonymousMG]

From my 2nd to last post, what I just felt as if talking abotu everything with her in person would make it seem more real to me. Like you said, she's still acting like nothing happened, so I can't exactly get over her if thats what she's doing.

 

After last night, I feel the need to bring up the fact that shes acting like nothing happened and that I can't keep doing that. I agree that she still has feelings for me, if not just in the way she's acting, some of the things she's said show it too. When I mentioned a while ago that my friend was trying to set me up with his friend, she kept asking if i met her yet, and she was very interested in what happened with that. Also, after one of our conversations she told me that she is really confused and can't think about the future. At one point she said that if I meet somebody else and fall for them not to stop because of her, but the way she said it was strange. It was like she knew she should say it, but didn't want to. Either way, I don't know if talking to her abotu everything is a good or bad thing, but I need to do something.

 

This is all just very confusing...

-AMG

[kellbell]

Okay, I see. Well, it seems that you have talked to her in the past and you get the same response, that she is confused, not sure what she wants and things like that. So, I am not sure how confronting her now is going to change things or shed light on matters. I am not trying to be difficult here but it just seems her actions have been leading you on and when push comes to shove, she plays this "I'm confused" card.

 

So, I reckon talking to her one last time about her intentions are is okay. But at same time, I cannot help to think you are feeding into your own confusion as well. What I mean is, you respond to her IM's, her texts, her shopping invites, the snowtubing, sleeping next to her. So by doing that, perhaps this is giving her mixed signals as well. It is like a vicious cycle, you know? So by taking in her crumbs, you are consenting to her leading you on and giving you mixed signals. Make sense?

 

Do you have what you are going to say her planned or have some kind of idea what you are going to say to her?

[blender]

It no longer matters what you "say" it now all about what you choose to "do". and for now the most self respecting mature thing to do is go "no contact', just let go of "whatever" it is you are hanging onto.. it's becoming an unhealthy habit for you now, and like any habit it's going to be hard to break, but it starts with one day at a time of "no contact" no more "explainations" as to "why', no more "pretending to be okay as her just her "buddy", no more hanging onto what you "hope" MIGHT happen, just start by being in acceptance of what actually IS, she IS confused, YOU are hurting, so remove yourself from the picture, and see if she ever has the maturity or authentic feelings to be less "confused" and to "clearly" make a loving, loyal, committed, intentional effort to make you two a couple...

 

Anything less, should not get any response from you, nothing, no more contact, start your healing, start taking back control over your own life, and grieve for what you "thought it could" be, and be in acceptance of how the both of you have let it become, a confusing, no standards, no boundaries, no respect, bad habit, that will only leave you in more heartache in the long run..

 

Respect yourself, and start no contact today, one day at a time.... she has NOTHING to offer you right now, excpet more mixed signals, and "I'm confused" type of statements, those are NO longer acceptable for your precious loving heart... it's over as you "hoped" it could be, so move on, no contact, you will be okay, even better in the long run.. her loss... and maybe with strict no contact on your part, she might actually have the OPPORTUNITY to realize the 'Loss"....

[AnonymousMG]

That makes a lot of sense, I don't really have anything planned to say, and I'm pretty worried about it too. I guess I was going to just let it go as it feels natural, she knows that I still have feelings for her, so there is no sense in making it seem like it's easy for me, I'm planning on being honest with her about everything. I think something along the lines of telling her that as much as I still want her to be a part of my life, the way things are right now aren't letting me heal from the past. Thats about as far as I've thought about what I'm going to say, but I can't really think of anything else to say to her. Without doubt I still have feelings for her, very strong feelings. I believe her 100% that she is confused, and she isn't just saying that. I think at this point I need to focus on allowing myself to heal, and then afterwards I'll deal with bringing her back into my life again. I don't want to do NC again, I really don't think it is the right thing for my situation.

-AMG

[kellbell]

"I don't want to do NC again, I really don't think it is the right thing for my situation."

 

I am curious as to why you think this. Are you hoping that you hanging in there during her bout of confusion and showing her that you are great guy will help her snap out of it? Just wondering.

[AnonymousMG]

I just don't think that it was the right thing the first time. I think that depending on how the conversation with her goes, it might come down to that though. I might explain to her that I need to give myself time to heal and that I need her to respect that. But if there is another way, I would much rather do that. The reason isn't so much that I'll get her to snap out of her confusion, she will only be able to do that herself, but I don't want to not be around when that happens, regardless of what she ends up figuring out. I don't want to let go...

[kellbell]

"but I don't want to not be around when that happens, regardless of what she ends up figuring out. I don't want to let go..."

 

MG, when this happens, she will know where to find you. She knows where you live, where you work, your number. And she will if she wants to be with you once and for all. I suspect by you hanging around her, not engaging in NC, you are trying to control a situation you simply have no control over. You have control over what you do and how you react to things, but absolutely no control over others and what they do.

 

I know you don't want let her go. Totally understandable but friend, you may have to prepare to do so.

[AnonymousMG]

Whatever happens, I'm going through the rest of this week as planned before to be with her as I have been so-far. As bad as the end results may be, I would really rather not shake things up right now. I am not saying this in hope that something will change by the end of the week, but it is a matter of making things easier for everybody we know, and having fun on the snow tubing trip. This sunday, she's going back to school so that will be a natural transition to whatever ends up happening. It's all really hard for me because I know her so well, and I've always been able to read her feelings and she's still acting like she wants to be with me so it's difficult to try and convince myself otherwise, especially because I want it to be true... I know it may sound stupid because I'm only 19, but I honestly saw myself spending the rest of my life with her... I guess I got thinking ahead too much...

-AMG

[Firedancer03]

Go back and re-read blender's last post. I couldn't have said it any better myself. Thats some sound advice right there.

 

I don't know how long you two have been broken up, but it seems like she is acting the same way as my ex (until I told him I couldn't be "friends", at least). The hugging, the mixed signals, etc. And like blender says, when push comes to shove, he's still "confused" and "isn't sure about what he wants in the future", etc, etc.

 

I know it seems like doing NC will make her forget about you, I thought the exact same thing. I thought my situation was special, that mine was the exception. I thought that hanging around my ex and being his "friend" would make him realize what a great gal I am and just what he's missing. 3 months of doing that and I realized that not only was he not running back into my arms, but I hadn't been able to heal at all! I was still consumed in him and the breakup. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing nothing nothing!

 

I didn't want to let go either. But believe me when I say that sooner or later either you or your ex will become resentful of the situation you are currently in. You will be irritated with her because you will be expecting more from her and she will not want to give it to you. Or, she will meet someone else and be irritated with you for still hanging around. The only thing that you are doing for her right now is letting her know that you are ok with being strung along, and that you will give her the best of both worlds until she is all healed and meets someone else. I am serious. She will not respect you or be able to miss you at all (or as blender says, discover authentic feelings for you) if you are still there being her "buddy". She of course is happy as a clam because she does not have to deal with the consequences of the breakup, but she still gets to have you around as a crutch whenever she wants. Now really sit down and think about it: are you really happy with that? Are you honestly ok with just being her "pal" or are you hoping that she will suddenly realize what she is missing out on and come back? She cannot realize what she's missing if she's not missing it.

 

I think that NC is right for your sitaution. First off, NC is for you to heal, not to get the ex back. It is near impossible for you to heal and move on if you are still talking to her, hugging her, hanging on every word she says and analyzing it all to death. It is good that you are aware of this, but believe me when I say there is no other way to heal except for NC. Like I said, I thought that I could heal doing LC/"friends", but it didn't work. The real healing started after I initiated NC. Since then I have been so much better and made more progess in the last month than I did in the first 3 months we were broken up. You do need NC for you to heal. Then you can decide whether or not you would like to try to be friends with her. If in that time she realizes what a great guy she lost, cross that bridge when you get to it, don't make it the focus of your NC or healing. Your healing is solely for YOU, not about what the ex thinks.

[Firedancer03]

It's all really hard for me because I know her so well, and I've always been able to read her feelings and she's still acting like she wants to be with me so it's difficult to try and convince myself otherwise, especially because I want it to be true... I know it may sound stupid because I'm only 19, but I honestly saw myself spending the rest of my life with her... I guess I got thinking ahead too much...

-AMG

 

I understand this completely! I went through (well, still am) the exact same thing. I knew him so well and he was acting like he still wanted to be with me, hugging and flirting and inviting me over and everything. But he didn't make any efforts to try to work on our relationship or a reconcilliation. And that was the cold, hard truth I had to realize, as much as I didn't want to. Thats what was happening and I had to face it. As much as he seemed like he wanted to be with me, he wasn't. If he really wanted to be with me, he would be. But he wasn't. So think about this as well: As much as she seems like she wants to be with you.....is she?

 

 

If she isnt, it means that she is not ready or willing to work on a relationship with you right now.

[AnonymousMG]

I suppose you're right. It all makes sense, I just wish it wasn't true I guess. She is such an amazing person, and there was no big fight or anything to end our relationship so I guess I don't feel like theres any real reason that it's over. The way she's acting on top of that just makes me feel even stronger about that. I guess it doesn't feel real to me. I was hoping that talking to her would set that straight in my mind that it is really happening, and it would force me to accept it hearing from her in person. I hate having to do exactly the opposite of what I want to do, and what I feel is right. Love is so complicated...

[Firedancer03]

*hugs* believe me, I've been in your exact same shoes, and it sucks the big one. I didnt feel like there was a real reason for our break up either. But apparently he did? After he promised to love me forever (grrr) and this is how long "forever" lasts apparently. Love IS complicated. Breaking up sucks and its hard to do. Its been 4 months for me and I still find myself thinking "How could he do this to me", etc etc. But dont worry, its a new year and who knows what the new year can bring. Chin up MG, we'll get through this! Remember that we are always here if you need us and there are lots of people who are going through the same thing as you! You are not alone

[blender]

The "RIGHT" thing to do is usually the "most" difficult thing to do.

 

I'm so sorry, but I hope you can realize that She can NOT define what is a relationship to you, you need to set those standards/values for yourself, and if what is happening recently is NOT within those standards/values that you have set, well then what she has to "say" about it is irrelevent, if she is not showing a clear loving loyal committed intentional effort to make you a priority in her life?

 

well then by YOU choosing to stay in contact during this time you are letting her know that you are more than "okay" with just "being around" no need for her to offer more, or to intentionally respectfully include YOU in her life, why would she be inclined to do so? What "motivation" is there? because she doesn't have to... there is nothing for her to lose, by just staying in her "holding pattern of confusion" it's working out perfectly.. she does not have to be emotionally responsible or respectful of you, and she gets the comfort of knowing you are just there, regardless of your hurting heart... does that sound like a "relationship" to you?

 

so no matter what you "say" to her, or what you ask her to "say", the only thing that matters is what YOU actually choose to tolerate, and to nurture..

 

The definition of what is 'real' is in your own mind, not hers, and from all that you have written this relationship as it is right now, is not "real" it's more of a power struggle, a habit, a alleviation of any guilt she may feel for breaking it off, a delaying of the inevitable "letting go and grieving" that will eventually take place... that is when the real healing begins, and the hope of any reconciliation is possible..

 

because sometimes in life, until we lose what we cherish, we sometimes don't ever get the opportunity to make the respectful intentional effort to renew, and nurture it, and IF the ex does not realize that they "cherish" the relationship, then thank god you went no contact and have taken the time to heal and move on, but if the ex DOES actually realize that they cherish what they've lost, well that is the "foundation" for reconciliation, with both your self respect in tact... it can not happen without these important qualities.

 

you will be okay with out her.. you will, and until you are okay without her, you will not be okay with her....

 

Because taking care of your own heart first, and respecting yourself, well that is life, love, forgiveness, maturity, personal confidence, personal awareness, respectful love..

 

A respectful, two way street of joyful confident love and happiness that can then be "shared" with someone else but not "attained" from somone other than yourself.

[AnonymousMG]

Thank-you, you're posts are all very helpful. I guess I'm going to have to go NC... I really wish there was some other way... I'm still going to go through with the plans for this week. I don't see things getting worse by doing that, just staying the same. I don't want to do NC by dropping out of her life unexpectedly like I've read on some threads, I am going to talk to her and explain to her why it needs to happen and that I need to take time to heal. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do that while I still want to be with her though... From what I've read, for NC to work, I have to not want to be with her anymore. I know that I won't be able to convince myself of that, I want to be with her from the bottom of my heart. I believe that she is genuinely confused, and she has done none of this with bad intentions. To me, she is worth waiting for no matter how long it's going to take. I know that probably doesn't make sense after everything has happened and everything that she's done, but it is true, I still love her, and I can't control that...

-AMG

[kellbell]

"I still love her, and I can't control that..."

 

Of course you do. But you CAN control how you act and handle matters. Also, even though you love her, love YOURSELF to do what is right for YOU. The harder option is usually the correct one in situations such as this.

[AnonymousMG]

I know the right thing is always the hardest...

 

I've been thinking about everything (big surprise, i know...), and I was wondering if it is normal for something like this to happen at this point in a relationship. I know that it might not make sense, but there are so many factors that I can see that could have led to this that I just can't help but hope that there is still hope. I've heard that its around the 3-4 year mark in a long term relationship that things start to change, also even though it wasn't that far away, we were 45 minutes away from each other instead of the usual 10. Add to that the fact that its her freshman year in college and she's being forced to think about her future a lot... I guess I just can see a lot of reasons that she would get overwhelmed and some things might cloud her thoughts... I guess I may just be overthinking things again, but I know she wouldn't do this without a reason... and right now I can't figure out what that reason could possibly be...

-AMG

[blender]

honestly is there a "reason" that would make this all easier? Nope, it's just going to be tough for awhile, and sometimes in life we just have to be "sad" for a bit, it helps us grow up, define who we wish to become, learn our own strengths, and to work through our fears. This is a precious opportunity of heartache, for you to become a self confident, respectful guy who is willing to kindly give her the space and time to be on her own... she has so much happening at this time in her life, please try to respect it, instead of adding to it....

 

She knows how you feel, so for today, pleaes try to let go, even a baby who loves it's mother will squirm if she holds on to tightly.. so "let go" for today.... this is the best thing for you and her for right now....breathe... trust fate....

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks, it all makes sense but I still have trouble when I think about actually doing it. I really wish there was an easier way... to be honest, I want more than anything for things to work out somehow this week so that I don't have to go through with it. It's so hard to trust fate on this, I feel like by doing this I'm pushing her out of my life forever. I know that it's normal to feel this way, I felt the same way the first time I did NC, but that time it was spontaneous, and I didn't have time to think about it ahead of time. This is going to be so difficult I can't even imagine it. I just want to enjoy the last week...

 

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss." - The Matrix

 

Too bad things aren't that easy...

-AMG