I am so heartbroken and need input

[Prober]

My gf of 5 1/2 years left me six months ago, just three months before our wedding. She came to the relationship with many unresolved issues: she was sexually molested by her father as a child, her ex-husband cheated on her and married the woman he cheated on her with, they had a retarded son she gave up physical and legal custody of, she had a minor breakdown and hospitalized herself sonn after she found her husband was cheating, she has past alcohol and food addictions, and her mother is a control freak. She has been in a couple of relationships after these events and then met me in late 2000.

 

During our relationship, her sister, her best friend, committed suicide and she was going through menopause. I overlooked many of these issues because I had snever been with someone who doted over ma and complimented me so frequently. She made me feel so good about myself. She constantly told me she would never leave and had never been with a man as wonderful as me.

 

We did argue and when we did have arguments, we both would be verbally abusive. She argued with me on almost every single vacation/trip we took. She told our couple counselor that she "needed to destroy what was good for her, because she didn't deserve it." Also, she had a major problem with trust and mentioned several times she did not trust me.

 

I had told her I did not want her to say "F-You" to me and I would question being in a relationship with someone who spoke to me that way when they got angry. But she did say it and each time I asked for the ring back. The fifth and final time that happened, she left me for good.

 

I miss her deeply and when she left she cut off contact with my entire family and all my friends. I am miserable and would like to just be able to meet/speak with her, but she ill not and I suspect she may even be with someone new.

 

My life has been a mess since she left and I have worked so hard these past six months making major changes, but she wisll not allow me to display those to her.

 

I would appreciate any input. Thanks

[Considerate Empath]

Unfortunately I don't think that there's much left for you to do except moving on. Work on yourself for yourself, and not for her no matter how much you want to. Just face it - if she broke up with you 6 months ago, the odds are very much against you for starting over with her. More so if you haven't seen and/or talked to her in that time.

 

I also advice you to go talk to someone about this, not just to write your problems/worries down on this forum, as I (no offense or ill intentions to you whatsoever) see you as the bad guy in many ways here, and if you don't talk it over with someone and keep bottling it up or something chances are you'll get even more depressed than you already are and might do something you'll regret.

 

 

//C.E.

[Prober]

Thanks for the suggestions. I am not the "bad guy" in all of this. I made some mistakes and I have paid for them.

 

I joined this site for some healthy support and advice in conjunction with working with a therapist, taking yoga classes, and reading various books related to my issues.

 

I would welcome some input from others that can help shed some light and since I am new here, welcome suggestions for recovery.

 

Thanks

[CluelessGuy321]

She brought a lot of baggage with her.

 

And when I say baggage, I mean, you know how you're allowed to carry one or two bags onto a plane with you? Yeah, she brought 600 50lb. bags + carry on cats and dogs.

 

It's a wonder you survived that many years with her.

 

You've asked for the ring back 5 times. You've tried. She's cursed you out. Councelling did not work.

 

She has issues man. You still remember the good times. There were bad times too..try to remember those. This isn't someone you should have spent your life with....

 

This is for the best. You'll find someone else. Someone better. Someone who's not carrying so much baggage.

[Prober]

Thanks Clueless. I needed to read what you wrote. I still miss her so much. She constantly told me how great I was all the time and then pulled the rug out from under me without any face to face explanations. She cut off everyone attached to me and wrote me an e-mail to dump me after such a loving and caring relationship. I can't seem to get it out of my head that she is seeing someone else and that eats at me. I know it has been six months, but the behavior during the breakup was nothing like who she professed to be to me, my family and friends while we were together. I am stunned and very hurt. It's hard to think I have to start all over again, and at my age, I wonder if I will ever find the real love of my life.

[CluelessGuy321]

I HAVE MET similar woman and people. They're very generous with compliments and flattery - and who doesn't like praise? Most of us feed off praise and admiration.

 

She flooded you with rosey words, but they weren't that genuine. It's just something some people do very well to get what they want. Then one day she pulled up the rug, didn't get what she wanted from you, and carried herself and her AIRPLANE full of baggage to someone else. It won't last there either. Sucks to be her.

 

You will find someone else though. Just keep at it my friend. Age doesn't matter. For now, go do stuff for yourself. Maybe join some clubs. There are a lot of single women of all ages out there looking too.

[Prober]

I feel so betrayed. The person she demonstrated was so giving and caring and doting. Not just to me, but tomy family and friends. Everyone thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I acted like a jersk and din't appreciate her as much as i could have, but the behavior during the breakup was downright cruel. Cutting everyone attached to me "off at the knees" has left several people close to me thinking she was a phony and a manipulator. Even if it was all an act, I fell hook, line, and sinker and really miss her so much. I wish I could just see her face to face to have a decent meeting instead of how things ended, with her avoiding face-to-face discussions and handling everything so creully and cowardly. Getting threatening calls from her mother and a threatening e-mail from her father, who sexually molested her when she was a child, were hard to believe, especially since I have never been to her house or work, begged her back or threatened her in any way. I have called a few times, written, sent some e-mails, flowers, but nothing even closely resembling "stalking." It really hurts to think she may have someone new (I have no proof, just a hunch based on very little info), but it's the hardest breakup I have ever been through. I was three months from thinking I'd spend the rest of my life with her and she never, ever communciated prior to our last fight that she even had an inkling o putting off a wedding, let alone leave me forever. We were tasting wedding cake two weeks before she split. Wow! Did I get bamboozled or what?

[CluelessGuy321]

It's hard. Real hard. It's gonna sting for a long time...

[Hope75]

Wow.

 

 

Prober, having read this I can only say that I am relieved for you that you are away from this situation.

 

Your ex has sooo many things going on that she has not worked through, I don't know if that is even going to be possible for her to function in a normal way. Childhood molestation by her father, infidelity by her husband, a mentally diasable child whom she gave up, addiction issues, these are all things that even years of excellent therapy would just begin to touch. She is not likely capable of a healthy or normal relationship.

 

This is not your fault- you tried as hard as you could- but I just don't think you can help her- the only thing you can do is to help yourself, and you have done that, by getting away from her. As hard as it is- I really think this is the best thing for you- I just don't see that you would ever be able to have the relationship you expect or deserve from someone who has gone through this much.

 

I hope that even though I can imagine how much this hurts right now, that on some level, you can see that too.

 

Hang in there friend, this won't be easy, but you will get through it.

[Prober]

Thanks Hope. I know I need to understand the pathology and how that played such an important part in causing some of the damge to our relationship. In our first year of our relationship, when her sister, who had also been sexually molested by the father, passed away from taking her own life, I noticed that her grieving was somewhat limited. I knew that her sister had been her best friend and she had the closest of bonds with her, but I remember being somewhat taken aback that she did not seem to grieve in a manner I would have expected. She did cry a little but I never saw a real letting go of emotion. Maybe it was buried much like the loss of our relationship was when she went so quickly into a new one.

 

Again, I appreciate the words of wisdom. I guess on some level I realize had we of married, it would have been very difficult. Maybe I dodged a bullet and she did me a favor. But I so miss the deep and loving friendship and it is hard to adjust to not having her to rely on for support and comfort.

[Hope75]

That's understandable, she was a big part of your life for a long time. But at this point she is so weighed down with her own issues and baggage, she really cannot offer herself fairly and completely to someone else.

 

You would likely just sink with her if you had stayed around.

[Considerate Empath]

Question: You said you asked for the ring back 5 times. This would also mean that she got the ring back 4 times (not counting the first time she got it). How did she get it/earn it back, and why did you ask for the ring back all those times?

 

Also - I understand that she has alot of issues, but does that make her any less deserving of love than the next? Does the weaker the person mean the weaker the partner? Is love only about finding a knight in shining armor, and not about finding your knight in shining armor? Please! You sound like someone's mom.

 

Who knows? Maybe I just feel bad for her for being labeled as 'unworthy' for being abused and other stuff out of her control, and for her best relationship being with a man who not only gave, but also asked for the ring back 5 times in 5 years. Just try and picture this from her perspective.

 

 

Once again though - no offense Prober. I just happened to pity her more than I pity you, and if you think that's a pity then either pity me or prove me wrong.

 

//C.E.

[Prober]

I asked for the ring back because of my impulsivity and returned it each time within an hour after I had settled down. Whe we argued we both became verbally abusive and when she'd say the magic two words,FY, I would ask for the ring. After cooling off, I'd give it back. It was childish and I was wrong, but I had warned her not to use those words and she took the liberty, anyway. I wanted to let her know I was not going to tolerate her speaking to me like that. But I should have not been so strict about that. In any case, she had many issues. Many more than I did, but I still understand that knowing how much I loved her, it was important for me to show more restraint and I did not.