problems...obsession

[Neverland]

Hi, my names Emma, and this is like my first time on here lol

 

Ok. so im a 'normal' average 17 year old girl. But last year i unfortunately went through something that no 1 wants.

Some-one was abusing me for 3 months, i finally listened to some-one and walked away. unfortunately they still live next door to me.(but are moving soon ) The reason im writing is becuase i have an obession of the girl who plays Hermonie in Harry Potter (Emma Watson)

 

When i was seeing the guy who abused me, we always watched the films together, he used to say to me "look at her...and look what IVE got..." soon it got into my head that she was better than me. And now shes all i can think about. I tried dying my hair her colour, i asked my hairdresser to perm my hair. (but being naturally blonde and wavvy she said no)

 

Dont get me wrong, i LOVE being me. Its just so hard not to compare myself with her. Its getting to the point where i print pictures of her off, and keep them so i can compare everything on her of me. Ii try and get similar clothes. I used to draw her all the time i cud. Defacing her, its gettin really upsetting.

 

I now have a MUCH nicer boyfriend, and he understands. But i want to know what YOU all think of this. its OBVIOUSLY not normal, but i think this is from being emotional told everyday by the horrible boy that she is better than me.

 

Do you all think this too???

 

I tried telling my pyschology teacher about this, but i didnt want him to think i was weird...

 

please help?

 

its getting really embaressing and upsetting...

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Emma,

 

Two things - first of all, you need to sort out the abuse with the neighbour. I'm not clear about the details, but you must talk it through with someone, and possibly see a counsellor about it. I think this is the root of your problems, as you so articulately identify.

 

The obsession with Hermione from Harry Potter is not difficult to understand - she is a virginal, feisty, attractive girl (your age) in a fictional, 'safe' world. Of course you identify with her, because she deals with dragons and magic, and not the real, horrible stuff you have had to deal with. It's your mind's way of escaping, I think. But because you need to deal with these issues, she's becoming more important to you.

 

This is all very amateurish on my part, but it does make sense to me. Please call some helplines and speak to people confidentially - they will refer you on to the right place, and make sure that you get the help you need.

[flower99]

.

 

I now have a MUCH nicer boyfriend, and he understands. But i want to know what YOU all think of this. its OBVIOUSLY not normal, but i think this is from being emotional told everyday by the horrible boy that she is better than me.

 

 

Hi Emma (:

This must be hard on you. hard to be comparing yourself to her & feeling less everytime.

But the biggest thing here, is how do you feel about yourself? And also, I just looked her up on the internet (I wasn't sure who she was)and really, I don't think she's anything specail. It's all a matter of opinion.

 

The horrible boy thinks she's amazing. Let him live in fantasy land. Because you are no longer with him. And his opinion doesn't really matter anymore so don't let it affect your self worth.

Emma, You are beautiful & special. You have a good boyfriend now who I'm sure would agree. Your obsession with her, is tieing you back with the horrible ex. Don't let it. Cut yourself free from him & all he loves.

[Neverland]

Its hard because none of my family know this is happening to me. Ive explained what e did to me, becuase my mum was the one who told me to leave him. But its not something i want to admit to be obsessing over...

 

About half a year ago i suddenly came down with extremely bad stomach pains, and got rushed into the doctors. They talked about everything with me, and explained it was kindey problems, but no route to why they were hurting, they asked if i was having relationship problems and i burst out crying

 

Everything that my neighbour did to me, i never cried about, i bit the bullet and never cried once. Even when he was physically abusing me (Strangling me) or emotionally i didnt cry.

 

Now even when im slightly upset or stressed i have excruiently bad stomach pains. ive told my physchology teacher and he understands (hes only 23, so i can relate to him and it seems easier to talk to, if us ee what i mean?)

 

i want to ask his help on this obsession...but i dunno how to tell him!?!?

[flower99]

Don't be ashamed of this. I know it must be hard to admit, to your mom, but she loves you & wants the best for you. It's affecting your body & mind as much as it is. You NEED to talk to someone. Maybe your mom.

 

Or maybe your physchology teacher.

Tell him that you think you are obsessed & was wondering if he could help.

If he agrees, open up to him. That is what he's there for. And I'm sure he hears weirder stuff everyday.

I wish I had better words for you...But I really wish you happiness.

[HellFrost666]

The guy who told you this is out of your life now, and I am guessing your new boyfriend doesn't think she is better then you, so why worry about it?

 

Also keep in mind that imitation is a sign of respect, so, in a twisted kind of way, you are showing respect for her.

[yeawutever]

Now that you have a nicer b/f, why worry about a scumbag's comments!!!!!

[Neverland]

Thank you for all your help everyone =]

 

It took me a year too get over him, and i even treated another boy badly becuase of it. I told him i really liked him, he helped me through my thing with next door, and i dumped him to go back to next door.

 

That was where id hit rock bottom.

 

I was also physically abused aswell. if i said something wrong, he wud hit me. He even strangled me at one point and i dont remember much after that, excpt waking up next to him on the floor. But for some reason i was besotted by him. he broke my fingers, cracked my ribs, and nearly smashed my pelvis. But i kept going back!! My mum thinks its cause i was only 15, and he was the first guy to ever say e liked me.

 

Im not scared of him anymre. Im more angry then anything, and this anger im taking out on this girl, and im feeling more and more guilty cause im scared people will find out and just say its jealousy? and i dunno what it is....

[Juliana]

You went back to him because of Stockholm Syndrome: Sympathy and identification with the abuser. You are still suffering from it, because you are still incorporating his comments to you about yourself into your self-assessment too much; you are still seeing some fictional character from a movie as a real person to compare yourself to. The actual actress who plays this character would be the first person to tell you there's no need to do this.

 

You need to see someone about this. Stockholm Syndrome is very destructive and difficult to break down on your own. It's basically brainwashing. Look it up online and see how it's related to the kind of extreme abuse you endured. Essentially you model yourself after the abuser because you hope that by pleasing him and taking on his view of things, he will stop hitting you and not kill you after all. It's a survival tactic, that actually does work in hostage situations, but persists afterwards to the detriment of the sufferer.

 

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You are right; the anger you are feeling towards her is actually anger you are still too afraid to express towards him: You attack what he liked, as a way of attacking him. This has nothing to do with Harry Potter. It's just the after-effects of physical abuse. This actually represents progress, in terms of healing, but I think you should get some help to really overcome what happened and move on.