what does he want??

[shikashika]

ok, apologies in advance ... I've kind of asked this before.

 

Ijust don't get it. After nearly 4 months of no talking my ex decides he wants to hang otu and go snowboarding with me.. That went well..a nd fine.. we have NEVER talked about the relationship.

 

I as the one who was dumped.

 

He was the one who decided he wants to hang out with me.

 

i know i know i know.. i shld just ask him.. but i do know him and don't think I would get an answer whether I asked or no... he never gave me ar eason frot he breakup... so why would he give me any answer now.

 

I'm over moping about and feeling miserable about him.

 

what i don't get is how he never said "lets go for coffee..." or "lets go for a drink/lunch to a bar"

 

instead he ( HIS idea) wants to go away for a weekend... just the two of us where we will be sharing a hotel room probably out for dinner/drinks I'm assuming.

 

now if he's just lonley, and wants a bit of action... why doesn't he just try for a drink or coffee then a 'lets go back to my place"

 

he has planned this trip 6 weeks from now... surely if he just wanted a bit of action, he would want it sooner than this?

 

and , if he just wanted to be ' just friends' why plan something so far in advance, when if he has other options... or is on the prowl... that could ruin things with a supposed new girl. why plan something with your ex if something better comes along?

 

I know i should ask him... I guess this is just a strange situation I just can't figure it out.

 

surely if you just wanted to be friends with your ex, you wouldn't want to spend a weekend alone with them in a hotel room? ( I dont' know what to do... we were always intimate together.. so what am i supposed to do... shake his hand and say goodnight???)

 

or, if you wanted to make it clear you were just friends, why would you want to share a hotel room, weekend trip with JUST your ex?!?!

 

and , if you just wanted some christmas loving.. would you want to wait 6 weeks for this?

 

aside from the obvious "just ask him!".. it makes no sense to me... really it doesn't.

 

only other thing I can ponder over and over again in my head an overanalyse is that he told me "so my friends wanted to set me up with this girl, but i didn't like her, I thought she was bla"

 

In my female mind, I'm thinking " Did he tell me this because he wants to let me know in his oh-so-subtle way that he is not interested in anyone else?""

or is he trying to let me know that he is out looking?

 

anyone??

After nearly 4 months of them not contacting you, who would have an ex all of a sudden want to go away on weekend trips? why??!!.. if it was jsut a friend thing, wouldn't you keep your options open instead of bookign a trip with your ex? or just go out for coffee and leave your weekends for looking for other people??

 

 

 

guys... please enlighten me!!!!!!!!!

[need2bme]

This is only my opinion and God knows I cannot seem to get a "love life" right lately, but I think he is just familiar with you and that is all.

 

I sometimes call my ex, the actual ex (I don't think we can count this current one ) and we have had to talk about moving stuff out of the apartment, the lease, etc. It still feels familiar to speak with her.

 

Now, would I go away for a weekend with her? Nope. Couldn't and wouldn't. So, I think he knows you and that is all.

 

What I think you should do is ASK HIM. You state you know him and certainly you know him better than any of us, so just open your mouth and ask him.

 

Unless of course, you like being stuck in limbo and felling like you are at HIS mercy (which right now, you are).

 

Good luck...

[robowarrior]

Well sometimes things can become more clear when you stretch them into exaggerated proportions. For instance in theory lets say 4 months ago i raped you and you didn't resist. And all of a sudden i decide to rape you again today.Again you don't resist. Now that says enough about me needing to be locked up with the key thrown away. But it also says something about you, that you allow people mess around with your feelings as they please, basically the word 'doormat' comes to my mind. You should act like a castle gate and close yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events.

 

Of course you opened yourself up to your ex because you love him, but is that a good thing?

 

Maby he realised what he got with you once he lost it. Which might be a reason why he came back to you.

 

Are you afraid to confront him? Anyway you should ask him where the sudden change of heart came from.

[shikashika]

thanks!

 

that is the confusing part... you say you would NEVER go on a weekend trip with just her.. it doesn't seem normal for ANYONe... sure i've had exes.... but I wouldn't want to go on a weekend trip with him unless I wanted some.... and as I said, if thats wll he wants... why plan it 6 weeks from now

 

you say 'he knows you' what do you mean by that? do you mean I'm just someone to hang out with?

 

Don't you think he's THOUGHT about the fact that we will be sharing a room together?

 

If you broke up with your ex.. wouldn't you feel a little bit of tension sharing a room with her, when before all you did was sleep together.. then you just go and sleep in separate beds..

 

i know I should ask him.... ](*,) I guess i'm just a bit apprehensive of asking because i fear that would cause more problems.... and I'm really nervous about doing so.

 

as you said, I do know him better than anyone... and I don't think thats the best approach... but you are right in that thats the only way i will find out.

 

Honestly though, i think he is the type of guy (and I know this) who will say one thing but mean another.. he could say ' oh no.. I'm just your pal'.. but when we've had a couple of drinks and in the hotel room, he could want that... or he could say yeah i want you back...a dn not mean it at all...

 

this is why... I don't think he's going to give me a straight answer..

 

(why would you want a guy like that... you all ask? )

 

but see, everyone i've talked to has said there is NO WAY they would go away with an ex... share a room..

 

sigh.. wasn't it Cher that said 'Everything I know about men could fit on the head of a pin?"

[shikashika]

ugh... I dont' like to think of myself as a doormat..maybe I am.

 

I guess I tried the complete NC... and being angry at him... but harbouring all those bitter feelings and not speaking to him really didn't make me feel any better.

 

I just can't shut him out of my life... I know this sounds really far fetched... but people die and get terminal illnesses and all these kinds of things all the time.. and i see far more problems with shutting people out of my life than letting them back in.

 

True, he hurt me... I'm sure I've hurt people.. does not make me a bad person.

 

I like to think he was a good person, he just didn't know how to treat me at the time. For a few months there I thought 'why should I be nice to someone who treated me like dirt'

 

i thought about it.. and looked around.. and the most happy content people I know.. have had bad things/people happen to them and they are happier because they forgive adn try and be amicable.

 

The people I know who have shut people out of their lives, with the 'never have them back in my life again' type of attitude... seem to me more tense, have more problems (in other areas of their lives) and in general, less content people with a bit of a chip on their shoulders.

 

i think I would feel much worse if I just shut him out.

 

i certainly didn't initiate this contact... but I was friendly to him

 

I guess if he is trying something agani... I really don't know what he is trying.. I dn't know at all!!

[annie24]

just ask him

 

And if you don't think he will give you an honest answer, you shouldn't be with him.

 

The people I know who have shut people out of their lives, with the 'never have them back in my life again' type of attitude... seem to me more tense, have more problems (in other areas of their lives) and in general, less content people with a bit of a chip on their shoulders.

 

My take on it is this - you went out for a while, then he decided to give you up and go sniff around for something else for a while. he didn't find what he was looking for, so he came back to you. personally, I don't want to be anyone's second, third, etc... choice. I think by staying with this guy who treats you like a backup plan, you aren't making a spot in your life for the man who will treat you as his #1.

 

I was in a similar situation a year ago, and I asked a trusted male friend of mine why my guy suddenly called out of the blue 3 months later. He said, "well, he was probably having a thing with another woman, and when that didn't pan out, he probably went through his phone book and thought, "let's give annie a call!" blah.

 

I like robo's analogy of the rape and the castle.

[annie24]

sigh.. wasn't it Cher that said 'Everything I know about men could fit on the head of a pin?"

 

Cher also said, "some women get all excited over nothing. then they go out and marry him."

 

After nearly 4 months of them not contacting you, who would have an ex all of a sudden want to go away on weekend trips? why??!!.. if it was jsut a friend thing, wouldn't you keep your options open instead of bookign a trip with your ex? or just go out for coffee and leave your weekends for looking for other people??

 

Just because he booked a weekend with you doesn't mean he isn't out looking. Afterall, you two have not clarified your relationship status with each other, thereforeeee you are both still single. All the more reason to talk.

[shikashika]

annie.. I know it was you who said I should just talk to him.

 

and I agree with what you and your male friend said. This is what I think... although I do believe he hasn't met anyone else... I think he is just thinking he can be fickle and decide he wants to try it again because he has no other option.

 

no... I do NOT want to be someone's 'better than nothing.

 

Hmnn.. I'm not sure about the "if he can't answer honestly... do you really want him?" comment.

 

You know what?.. If you ask me.. as you can probably tell from my posts... I'm not sure that I know what I want either.

 

I guess I'm too afraid of asking.. because I don't want to put myself out there and ask...

 

This may sounds silly, but if I don't ask him anything...don't ask about 'us' or the relationship, then it appears that I'm not still hung up on him.. Isn't this supposed to be a good thing? Isn't this what everyone advocates?

 

I hear this all the time..especially on ENA... to NOT bring up relationship things.. then they will wonder why you never bring it up at all.

 

I do know that he's not a very direct person... he does everything through hinting.. its how he is.

 

He talked about a party he was at over the weekend and mentioned that "everyone else there was in a couple but him' and what I mentioned earlier about when his friends tried to set him up but he wasn't interested in her.

 

I guess I would like to know if he met someone else... even when I asked him 6 weeks later after the breakup.. I asked him what was the reason for the breakup, he said, "honestly there is no concrete reason and there is no one else"

 

I'd like to believe him. He may have hurt me, but I dont' think every breakup is because someone cheated. Maybe I'm giving too much benefit of the doubt.

 

Annie, you said your friend told you, that with your ex, things didn't work and your ex wanted back in your life when he realised things weren't so green on the other side...

 

Well, why would my ex plan something so far in advance... if he's trying to sneak back in.. wouldn't he want to do something before the end of Janaury??

[annie24]

maybe you are reading too far into things and he only wants to be friends?

 

So, like I said before, I don't advocate having a serious, "where is our relationship going?" sort of talk. But definitely just ask him like, "ummm... dude.... so like, we didn't talk for 4 months, and now you want to go snowboarding with me. what gives?"

 

see, you are not asking for a relationship or committment or future or babies or whatever, you are just asking what is going through that mind of his.

[shikashika]

maybe you are reading too far into things and he only wants to be friends?

 

So, like I said before, I don't advocate having a serious, "where is our relationship going?" sort of talk. But definitely just ask him like, "ummm... dude.... so like, we didn't talk for 4 months, and now you want to go snowboarding with me. what gives?"

 

see, you are not asking for a relationship or committment or future or babies or whatever, you are just asking what is going through that mind of his.

 

yes... I could ask a question like this... and yes I know I read waaaaaaaaay too much into anything..

 

but I could ask him... of course he's not going to say 'yea..I'm not sure yet.. but hoping we'll have some sex on the trip " He's not going to say that

 

so I guess... even if I ask him.. I highly doubt he will say ' yeah I 've thought about it and I miss you'

 

and even if he just does say 'I want to be your pal'.. the whole situation doesn't make any sense..

 

 

could you, or anyone else, see yourself going on a trip with an ex... and when previously you had always slept in the same bed just said 'well good night buddy-pal' especially if you are both single..

 

I can't.

 

I just don't see wanting to go away with an ex and just being friends.. It will be just the two of us....boarding during the day, dinner and I'm sure drinks at night..and back to the same room

 

 

i would be lying if I said I had no interest in getting a little action as well...(that is bad..I know!!!)

[annie24]

well, I mean, if you don't think he will give you a straight answer, how can you possibly ever have a relationship with him? if he is always playing "hide and seek" or whatever with his feelings and intentions, I mean, what's the point? It is not as if he is the last man on earth....

[shikashika]

well, I mean, if you don't think he will give you a straight answer, how can you possibly ever have a relationship with him? if he is always playing "hide and seek" or whatever with his feelings and intentions, I mean, what's the point? It is not as if he is the last man on earth....

 

true.. I'm just a big ole' chicken!!!

 

I wonder though... just because he can't do that ... does that make him a bad person.. or undeserving of anyone

 

(I'm not trying to defend him.. really really i'm not.. really )

 

but someone people, its just not in their personalities to be direct or forthcoming.. its just not who they are..

 

yes, it would be very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone like that... but I know plenty of guys, one of my brothers included... a few good friends.. they are all great guys.... but they too would not be able to answer directly.. and it would make them very uncomfortable..

[annie24]

no, it doesn't make him a bad person, but it doesn't mean that you need to be in a relationship or quasi-relationship with him either.

[shikashika]

no, it doesn't make him a bad person, but it doesn't mean that you need to be in a relationship or quasi-relationship with him either.

 

 

it is my problem too... I know this... I don't know what I want either..so I guess thats why its important to me to find out what his intentions are..and why's he's back....

 

anyway... thanks for your advice, annie

 

i just wish he made some sort of sense..

[papalazarou]

Right im going to be as honest as I can speaking as a man.

 

If one of my exes agreed to come away with me for the weekend (they probably wouldnt but thats another story lol) then I would definitely be thinking some "action" was on the cards. Especially as it is just the two of you.

 

I would also say that it sounds like he is hedging his bets. See how it goes with you because he either hasn't had much luck being single or just started dating and is not sure...

 

So I would say, speaking as a bloke, that he only has ONE thing on his mind at the moment and thats not a reconciliation or even to talk about the relationship. Sounds to me like an expensive seduction.

 

Thats not to say that he may not change his mind after that weekend of course.

 

However I would be careful because he may get what he wants (action) and you may not get what you want - reconciliation. Or at least a chance to take steps towards it.

 

I think you do want a chance to talk about it or a reconciliation because otherwise you would have said no to the trip.

 

Just my opinion tho!

[shikashika]

thanks for your opinion... I guess.. if there is only one thing on his mind... wouldn't he want it sooner than the end of January?!?!?

[papalazarou]

thanks for your opinion... I guess.. if there is only one thing on his mind... wouldn't he want it sooner than the end of January?!?!?

 

Possibly but then how would he approach it? Hello XXXX fancy a XXXX. Or take you away on trip and "wine and dine" you....?

[shikashika]

Possibly but then how would he approach it? Hello XXXX fancy a XXXX. Or take you away on trip and "wine and dine" you....?

 

 

true... that would be rather funny if he said that...

 

but... I guess if thats all he wants... why not try and wine and dine me on the weekend.... if all I wanted was sex... I'd want it now.. not in 5 weeks!!!

[papalazarou]

true... that would be rather funny if he said that...

 

but... I guess if thats all he wants... why not try and wine and dine me on the weekend.... if all I wanted was sex... I'd want it now.. not in 5 weeks!!!

 

 

Because when you are away on "holiday" with nowhere else to go its alot easier than a weekend date where you can say - I had a nice time. Im going home now see you later.

 

I dont know him but this does sound contrived and planned!!!