Why does this pain not go away?

[radiofoot]

Here is my problem: I was with my girlfriend for around 2&1/2 years. We did everything together, maybe spent too much time together cause we would fight a lot. We would always make up though and we really did (and do) love each other a lot. Recently she was spending a lot of time out with friends late into the night and sometimes getting drunk and not coming home at all. (She recently turned 21, so I kind of understood). I didn't like this though, also since we had started going out she had gained a lot of weight. I had talked with her numerous times about her weight and I know it is a very sensitive subject for girls so I tried to go easy on her. I offered to change my diet as well and excercise with her, whenever, wherever. She never really stayed with any program but did agree to the fact that she needed to lose the weight since she had become unhealthy. Anyways, I'm making this into a long ass story, just wanted to get the facts out in case they have some bearing on this whole ordeal. So, we live together and about a month ago we started fighting really bad, calling each other names and whatnot. We were in separate places for a few days and I called her and told her I wanted to talk with her (in a bad way to give her a heads-up and prepare her). So, I broke up with her and we both balled our freakin eyes out. She agreed that we needed to break-up since it just wasn't working anymore. We were crying for a long time and I NEVER cry. I realized how much this girl has meant to me these past few years, I've never been this close to anyone. So, she took her things and left and started kinda living apartment to apartment with her friends closer to her job. Just a few days later she said she wanted to work things out and she needed to talk with me, so she came over and said she would lose weight and wouldn't stay out with her friends all the time. We got back together for ONE DAY and then she told me she was sorry but she made a horrible mistake and couldn't promise those things she had promised. I was enraged and yelled at her a lot for making a promise and breaking it a day later (after we had sex, etc, etc). Finally, she left again. I was going through hell in my mind, regretting past mistakes and wishing I could have kept things together. For the first week whenever I saw something that reminded me of her I would break down. It was harder than I ever thought possible. I kept going through crap and just when I thought I was getting better (a week ago) I realized that "I love this girl" and "I want her back with me". I then called her and we agreed to meet. I told her that I was sorry for everything and I really wanted to work things out. I spilled my guts on the ground and exposed my beaten black and blue heart to her. She said that she couldn't do it and that she would rather be closer to her work and hang out with the girls like she used to. This just sucked. That was last night. Now, I am a little hungover and am sitting here entering all this sh** into a computer enotalone thing in hopes that someone that even gives a rats ass will email me and tell me what the hell I should do. I should move my ass on, right? So, how do I begin with that? What is healthy? I have spent too much time alone this past month, but I don't like people much and don't feel like any of my friends really care about this. I told a friend last night, but it's not like anyone really knows exactly what I am going through, well maybe someone out there in internet land. Anyways, help me out ya'all, I could use it.

Thanks,

alone in this huge empty apartment,

radiofoot

[Princess777]

Radiofoot,

 

You are obviously VERY depressed right now, angry, hurt, and alone. Glad you came here to talk with us. I hope someone else gives you some advice too, but I'll tell you what I can.

 

First of all, depending upon someone else to make you happy is a losing battle. You will never, ever win that way. Please try to break yourself of that. I know it's so hard right now for you. I'm sure you're very intelligent and have an attractive personality - she's the one missing out! You sound like you came to the realization that you actually fell in love with this girl, regardless of her weight gain, and that fact scared you because she had that power over you. Now you are extremely frustrated because she isn't in sync with you. In some ways, this is a good thing! Just because she doesn't appreciate that, doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. They just ARE. You have the ability to love someone for who they are, not for what they look like or what they can give you. You gave her plenty of chances to come back to you. I'm inclined to think she's "playing the field" since she just turned 21. She's seeing a whole new side of life (drinking legally) and unfortunately right now she feels you're crowding that. You must be older and/or more mature? (guessing) Being an "oldster" at 33 (as compared to a lot of people on this website) I know that alcohol is a bad thing that can consume oneself and their family. Long story there but I've seen a LOT of damage it can do. I don't need to preach to you about that.... as for your poor, poor broken heart , I would suggest you take some time for a short road trip alone to sort yourself out. Buy a good book on self-improvement on the topic of your choice, (I know it sounds trite but there are some really great ones out there that can help you more than you think), I don't know what kind of environment you live in but find yourself a comfortable place to spend the weekend and keep telling yourself that you are a good person and that just because she isn't your girlfriend anymore doesn't make you less of a man. You are still the same great guy! Feel free to P.M. me or post another message for support here. We're here for ya!

Princess777

[radiofoot]

Thanks for the encouraging words princess. It's hard for guys to talk about these kinds of things with their friends. I'm actually already feeling quite a bit better. You were right, I am older. I'm almost 25 and I am looking more to settle down than to go to drunken frat parties. I already lived that part of my life and now it just seems "boring" to go out partying like that. Don't get me wrong, I like to party, but I would prefer to be with some of my best friends in small number than 50 drunk people. I have noticed actually since she has been gone that I am working out more, drinking beer less, and just kinda taking it one day at a time. My band is going down the West Coast on tour next week and that should help a lot more! Thanks a lot for the kind words of advice, I really appreciate it and I like this enotalone.com thing. Great idea. Take care, hope to hear from you again soon.

-radiofoot

[confused_001]

Nice to see someone my age feeling the same way...

Not that I am glad you are hurt too..

Just someone I can relate to I guess.

I too am almost 25 and hurt over a girl wanting to "act her age" at 22.

I am exercising alot more, trying to keep busy, so I don't have to think about how much I want what we had, and how much better it could be if I had a second chance.

She is with another guy already though... stab. Ouch my heart.

[waitinvain]

If it's any consolation I'm 28 and my ex ( as matters stand ) is 23. I think she wants to have some fun and enjoy life, and while I want that too, I'm ready for a commitment as well as having those things. I'd rather enjoy life WITH the person I love than be a free agent.

 

Still, you can't make somebody want to be with you if they're not ready.

 

It is such a tough thing. My ex contacted me yesterday, so I have instigated some decision making by suggesting going for a drink this week (in a non commital sense ... i.e. as friends to chat ). If she doesn't take up my offer then I am literally letting her do all the running.

 

It has taken me a month to get to the point where I am strong(er) and now I must make hard decisions to preserve myself. Even after an ex has split up with you, if they contact you and you ask something of them then it's give and take to a certain degree. If they can't acknowledge your request, or come to a compromise then you HAVE TO move on.

 

I appreciate her need for time and space. I can be a very patient person, but I can't live in hope. Asking to go out for a casual drink is perfectly reasonable, so I hope I can report back saying that it was a 'first step' in re-initiating proper communication. I'm not going to hold my breath though.

 

I'll keep you posted

[confused_001]

was there stretch of time neither of you called each other?

just a bunch of wondering if they even think about you anymore?