Do you directly deal with conflict in your relationship?

[Aschleigh]

Do you and your SO talk about the conflict in your relationship directly?

Do you feel like you can talk about everything with your partner?

Do you suppress the urge to say something when you know something is wrong?

If you don't say something does the nager or irratation come out in indirect ways?

Has your ability to deal with conflict in your relationship changed over a long term relationship?

 

I just ended a relationship with someone who would NOT deal with conflict and all and it just made me angry. I tried to talk to him repeated, I tried to get him to go to counseling. I tried everything and nothing worked. It seems he lived in a family where no talk of negativity was allowed. He resisted every urge to talk directly about conflict. Needless to say it didn't work .

[melrich]

My partner and I deal with it but we definitely had to learn how to. Everyone deals with conflict in a different way and personally I think one of the most important talks you can have with your SO is to discuss how you like to deal with conflict.

 

My partner for example likes to get everything out on the table all at once and have the argument right there and then. I like to go away and think about the issues for a bit. At first we just missed the boat with each other. Probably like you and your b/f. She felt like I was avoiding things and I felt like she was barraging me with stuff.

 

So we talked about it and now we have an understanding about how we resolve things. I think it's a good approach.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I wish I had done more of that. Next time for sure. With my ex, she would get so angry when ever I brought things up, I just stopped and we drifted apart. Like any mention that there was a problem was an attack on her character, so what do you do. Also, I think that just talking isn't enough, there has to be a willingness to actually do something about the problems. If not, we end up here.

[HellFrost666]

Yes, it festers if you don't dela with it directly. We have argued about some stupid things... but the really dysfunctional relationships are the ones where people never argue.

[caro33]

My partner and I deal with it but we definitely had to learn how to. Everyone deals with conflict in a different way and personally I think one of the most important talks you can have with your SO is to discuss how you like to deal with conflict.

 

My partner for example likes to get everything out on the table all at once and have the argument right there and then. I like to go away and think about the issues for a bit. At first we just missed the boat with each other. Probably like you and your b/f. She felt like I was avoiding things and I felt like she was barraging me with stuff.

 

So we talked about it and now we have an understanding about how we resolve things. I think it's a good approach.

 

I agree with melrich, so much comes down to how the indviduals process things and how they choose to express themselves.

 

I have found that my habit of saying 'well the problem can be brought under one concept, and here are the six instances that upset me' clashes completely with how my husband thinks about things and is able to process. What was a clear link between six events, each of what I think is a symptom of the real problem, was non existent for him. He heard six discrete events and was overwhelmed by trying to address each one at once.

 

Particularly as it's my style to bottle it up, assume I am the one with the problem, then wake up two days later sure it's him who also needs an attitude adjustment. My processing time confuses him completely - he just sees someone who is happy and fine, then blows up inexplicably days later and tearily unloads issues on him at the worst possible time.

 

So our strategy now goes along the lines of:

 

ME:

- not to bottle up, raise each issue independently, be clear what I would like to see changed

- pick my time to raise each issue for when he is likely to have the capacity to manage it, and check it's okay with him before I unload

 

HIM:

- take more care to empathise when I raise issues, so I only need to say it once (hopefully)

- be unafraid to raise any concerns with me

 

This looks kind of one-sided I know, but I guess I am the over-analytical worrier and he is Mr Happy Go Lucky, so I tend to be the one who raises problems. At least this is what's happened so far!