Benson Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 thank you very much.. you speak the truth. all I did was tell her how great she is, she never believed me. I friggin knew this was going to happen and I let myself get into this situation... I decided with all that was wrong with us, her, me, it didnt matter, cause I was madly in love with her. I thought thats all that mattered.... Believe me, throughout the course of the relationship I was angry, wanted to break it off, not pleased with the sex life... But I never let that get in the way of what I truly felt about her, young or not.... Thats why im so devastated. I was always trying to get her to keep me interested in her (thats her job) because a relationship cant be one person trying to keep everything alive... Its two people keeping each other in it... From day one she never did that, I accepted that and didnt care, and for whatever reason loved her more then life itself.. Her unsure ways, her not being able to keep me happy intimately, everything. I just thought that no matter what happened, i loved her and that was all I needed. She has no clue what she has done to me, at all... I had her complete trust, and she had mine... Ahh well.. I guess this is what break ups are about right? I also know that I was the kindest person to enter her life.. I spoke true, clear words to her all the time. How could someone just leave this, with no warning, not even ONE conversation about the fact that she was unhappy... I will NEVER know. Anyways, James. You speak some true words, friend. Thank you. Link to comment
A James Z Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 No problem man. Even within the depression you feel, you still have a very clear mind, and that’s great! Even though you love her, and your heart is in the right place, the ultimate goal in your life should be to obtain the greatest amount of satisfaction and happiness you possibly can obtain. Never place ALL your hope and faith in someone else. The reason for this is you have a mental image of your perfect somebody. And when you devote yourself entirely to someone else, there is no way for them to live up to the ideal standard you have set in your mind. They feel unable to live up to your standards and they get scared and drop the ball, which is your heart. Life shouldn’t be this way, but it is. You should be able to love and be love unconditionally. But people feel pressure from what is expected of them, and it is much easier to run away than to face what they feel are their inadequacies. I am sure you never pressured her to be anything other than herself, but maybe she still felt pressure from you. That is why you must look for someone that can satisfy you and meet whatever needs you have without there being a struggle to do so. You know what you want, and apparently, from what I can tell, it’s the complete opposite of your ex! That’s interesting, isn’t it? You know what you want, but still you lower your standards. You knew you would be hurt by this one, but you didn’t care. That’s fine though, you made a mistake and you can learn so much from this. But, now you know, don’t let someone who isn’t right for you walk all over you again. Believe me, I made your same mistake twice, and they hurt REAL bad. Don’t beat yourself up. Collect your thoughts in these forums, go out with friends, and the right girl will find her way to you. Never change who you are, but you should change your outlook on relationships and love. There is a really good book if you care to take a look, its called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its REALLY good, and would be a good book to read with your next girlfriend. There is a lot of truth in there about how to act in a relationship and how to cultivate a lasting love. Maybe I should read it again, LOL. Take care. Link to comment
Benson Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 I totally think she was feeling pressure from me, cause she wasnt pulling her end at all. I guess I just got fed up with that and came off as a little arrogant and it looked like i didnt care. Oh well... Its her loss... Im not a mind reader. When I ask if everything is good, and she exclaims she's just tired and that we're good as ever, how am I supposed to know that something is wrong? I know in my heart that I cant be with someone that cant speak up for themselves. However this is friggin killing me inside, all the time invested, money, thoughts, everything... She has no idea what shes done, or doing. And I dont think I'd take her back if I had the opportunity... Still, it feels like my own soul was stolen from me, all the trust I gave her, everything. We were never jealous about where each other were, never asking anything... Always complete trust. She even told me that if I cheated on her she'd take me back. I told her that was crazy, and if she ever did that to me I'd never speak to her again... Why did I get this involved with someone this messed up?? I KNEW it and didnt care, why did I do this?? Link to comment
Benson Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 Here I stand overburdened... I was fighting for a reason Holy blessed homicide Seems I have committed treason All I’ve sacrificed Led to nothing Repeated in my mind Led to nothing If only I was born another time Link to comment
Benson Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 James, or anyone, do you think she will realize what shes done to me at all? I mean even a year from now, what she gave up without even TRYING to tell me how she felt?? You know, most people would at least TELL the other person SOMETHING if they were remotely unhappy with the way things were going.....? Or is she going to be like this forever?? I just cant believe it. However, I am getting over her, slowly but surely. Hopefully by new years ill be able to date again. Oh I have a story for you guys... This just makes me wonder.. And ask myself "What the **** is wrong with people..." I have a friend at work that has been talking to me about a relationship two of his friends are in. The boyfriend broke up with this girl, because he doesnt know if shes the girl hes going to marry... And be happy later in life with. HOWEVER, they BOTH are still MADLY love each other, and nothing was going wrong at ALL with either of them in the relationship before they broke up... He said it was 'better for their future this way'... My friend tells me that he has contact with both of them, and they BOTH say to him that they are hurting REALLY bad, without the other one around... These people still love each other madly, nothing was wrong in either of their eyes with the relationship, yet they broke up, and he wont reconcile... for whatever reason... What the heck is going on with people these days?? Theres no pressure to marry, nothing... And they love each other, yet they're broken up... hahahaha I will never get the relationship game ever.. I really think its just that, a GAME... Why even bother loving someone??? Really... It gets you so hurt in the end its not even a joke.... It's beyond that... I will never get it... I know one thing, I cannot invest what I did to this GIRL, to anyone else, anytime soon. It sucks but I look around, and all it seems to bring is hurt... I cant even imagine being cheated on or being lied to.. wow....... Link to comment
Benson Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 I would be over this alot faster if I didnt a) work where I met her b) work 1 block away from her, worrying if im gonna see her walking, or on the bus c) had some closure I was totally in love with this girl. It's going to take alot of time to get over this... At the very least I need some closure. Link to comment
dnozzle Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 You cna have closure anytime you want it. Just let her go and move on. Really. It is that simple. I promise, you will feel better as soon as you do it. The longer you hold onto your old feelings for her, the worse you will feel. Get mad at her for making you feel this way if that helps. Try to remember what was bad about your relationship. Stop focusing on wanting her back, and you will start to wonder if you even want her back. Link to comment
A James Z Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Benson, It is hard to say if she will ever realize. She is very young right now (so are you) and she has no point of comparison. Maybe down the line if she dates a lot of duchebags she will realize what she lost, but by that time you will have moved on, so it wont matter, right? About the story you mentioned, I can only guess, but the guy was probably scared of committing and thought perhaps there is something more for him out there in the world, although he still loves his girl. This could also be what’s going on in your situation. And even from personal experience. It’s scary to meet someone you really like because you are thinking about other opportunities you might be missing. I want to travel the world and be free to meet and have sex with other girls. When I went to Europe and Brazil many girls wanted to hook up and have sex, but if I have a girl I really loved, I wouldn’t want to do that to her, and thankfully I didn’t at the time. People without a lot of relationship or dating experience feel like they are “missing out.” Generally when you lose your virginity to someone that you really like, you want to make that turn into a lasting relationship. Yours went 2 years. But, you girl is still so young, maybe she is wondering what it would be like with another guy or maybe she just needs time alone to figure out what she really wants. Plus, like we had discussed before, she is probably very immature out relationships and how to delicately handle another’s feelings. Were you guys going to get married? And if so, did you ever discuss when? If you never planned on getting married, then you must have figured it would eventually end, right? So, if its going to eventually end, and she is starting to have doubts, then she is going to move on and try to experience new things. Its sounds like you guys got a little too comfortable for your age. And that’s a very common problem. I was 20 when I lost my virginity. Although my girl was the same age, she had slept with a lot of guys by the time she turned 20. She was basically a sex addict, and our relationship took off very fast with a lot of sex everyday. I was in heave, as you could imagine. But after 1.5 years things became routine. We started to argue, and eventually she got fed up with the situation and broke up with me. I was not ready for that, and I completely lost it. I could only think about how she was my first love, how I lost my virginity to her, and how I could never find anyone as good as her. But, since she was so addicted to sex, and because she had so many partners before me, I always had my doubts about her, and I never really wanted to get married to her or anything. In other words, I knew it would not last. But after we broke up all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, when really it was my chance to go on and experience new things. But that was before I found out about all the cheating she did on me, and how many guys she started sleeping with after she left me. At the time we were both in college in a small college town, and we had ALL the same friends. I had to look at her every time I went out, and it broke my heart. All the stuff I learned about her was totally disgusting and I never want to see her again. She even started sleeping with my roommate at the time after we broke up! We haven’t spoken in over 4 years. So, perhaps now you can see your situation is not all that bad. You broke up with your first love, but that happens all the time. It could have been a lot worse and a lot more confusing. For your sake, just take the situation as she lost interest and move on. Don’t start digging and trying to find answers. That’s what I did. I thought she was cheating and I hacked her email and I found out more dirty little secretes than I wanted to know. Save yourself the heartache and just move on. You are really, really young and there are tons of interesting girls that will open your eyes about many sexually fascinating things. The girl I met right after my first love was into making video tapes, putting on lingerie, and would do all sorts of crazy things with me. Basically whatever I wanted she would do. Wouldn’t you rather find someone like that, than a cold fish like your ex? Take time for yourself, grieve your loss, and then GO MEET SOME FINE GIRLS AND HAVE FUN! Link to comment
Benson Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 hehe james, yeah.. I know what I should do. its hard tho. but you are right, she was very cold, and not very adventurous. yeah its time to meet some new women, someone that can actually think for themselves. Link to comment
Benson Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 I just dont wanna see her at all.. It would kill me. Link to comment
Benson Posted December 24, 2006 Author Share Posted December 24, 2006 bleh. thanks for all the replies here guys. I was looking at some photos 1 yr ago at a work christmas party.. on someones msn spaces.. It hurts to see me with her, but its also apparent why she broke it off. and every day hurts less and less... she was simply not ready for anything, and has no idea how to handle someones heart. it makes me sad, in the same breath though it makes me angry... And when I did all the DAMN WORK and she did NOTHING, and im the one that got SCREWED... it makes me soooo mad... I Was willing to work with her on ANYTHING.... this makes me so mad.... How, when anything was wrong with us, I brought it straight to her, dealt with it right then and there... but when something is wrong for her, she says nothing about it and leaves... I just cant wait for the day I can trust a woman again... Its really nice to be able to have a steady relationship with someone... Its a feeling that nothing can replace. Link to comment
Benson Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 ah.. like 30 days of NC.... it sure is difficult.. I still think about her all day long unfortunately... it sucks that im sliding back into depression after this... Link to comment
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