3 years and out, here's my story...

[Jon8652]

Hi all, new to the board, new to the break up. Probably gonna be a long story, thanks in advance to anyone who makes it through. I have a lot to say.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago, after 3 years together. She was a year ahead of me in school, and we started dating during her last semester or college. When she graduated she began living at home, two hours away. By the time I graduated, she had a job in Virginia, four and a half hours from where I lived. Essentially, 90% of the relationship was long distance. After I graduated from college last December, I spent a long time working at my previous job at the deli, looking for a better job.

 

The first time we broke up was after a year together. We had been drinking with friends and got into a fight because she thought I was always asking her to stop. We got into a really ugly screaming match and then she spent the night on a random girls couch, and drove home the next morning. I called constantly leaving many voicemails and things of that nature. A few days later she called and told me she sent me an email, basically asking me if I wanted to try it out again. I called her back and we got back together immediately. Throughout the relationship we struggled with different things. I have always had insecurity issues, and I always struggled with trust and being obsessive. Obsessive in the sense that I felt like I was always thinking of her, and that many times I put her before myself, even though she constantly asked me to think of me. In many ways I realize that it would have made her a lot happier for me to do things for myself, instead of always thinking of things I could do for her. Things were always up and down with us, we would get into lots of little insignificant arguments on the phone, and we saw each other every two weeks. We broke up again in July of this year because of a little fight we got into probably stemming from something stupid I said. We didn’t talk for a few days, and then agreed to take it slow back into the relationship, over a period of months. Of course that didn’t happen and within the next month or six weeks we were back to where we had been before.

 

This past Thanksgiving we had a nice time, mostly good, until the day I left. As we were eating I made some comment about hoping she wasn’t going to go to an art show that one of her ex boyfriends would be at. Immediately that set off something, and we spent the next hour talking, until she said she thought we should break up. Somehow we came up with the idea of taking a month without talking, and then deciding what to do before Christmas. The day after I left her house, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a couple of books on jealously and obsession in relationships for myself. I also bought a couple of books for her on deciding what to do and if to stay with someone. I wrote a brief letter of explanation, made sure not to use the word love, and sent the books. She never responded, and I missed her so bad that two weeks later, I decided to drive down to her apartment and surprise her. Just to clarify, this is something that I have done for the past year. Sometimes we would get into fights, or something would happen, and I would drive down and surprise her. We always had a nice time, and we would fall asleep in each others arms. This time was different however. She came into her apartment, and I was already there. She had just gotten back from her therapist, whom she had started seeing every couple of weeks. She was surprised to see me, and did not look happy. I broke down immediately, something that after reading these boards I see was a horrible thing, and told her how hard it was and how much I missed her. I talked and talked and she cried and talked and then was quiet. She didn’t know what to say and eventually I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she slowly responded, yes. It went on a little more, and I begged for another chance. She said no, and I said I wasn’t going to give up on her, and if she would be able to see me in a month. Of course she said no, and that she didn’t know if she would be able to be with me again. She said it wasn’t working, that there were patterns to the way we fought, a few good weeks, and then a couple bad. She said the therapist told her to choose from the heart when deciding to be with me. She also said she wouldn’t be able to be friends with me for awhile just because of the way things were. I left from there, and haven’t spoken to her since.

 

That was last Thursday. I found this site a few days ago and have been realizing all of the mistakes I have made. I am sure everyone that reads this could see all of the things wrong with this relationship, but I remember the good times. I know I can’t call her, and I know I have to go NC. I want to know what people think about the situation, what people think about my chances, if I have any, and what to do about Christmas, my birthday and New Years, the threesome that is rapidly approaching. Should I leave a nice voicemail? Send a text? Or not do any of that unless she makes contact first? I appreciate any and all feedback, and even with all of the pain I’m in, am very grateful for this site and the stories everyone has shared. It’s nice not to be alone. Thanks.

[Lanterna Magica]

I went through a similar break up in October after 5 years. So for what its worth, I know how you are feeling.

 

I can only tell you how I have found things from my own point of view from the moment i realized this was a serious break up and not merely a break.

 

At first I thought 'I can do something about this, we can fix this'

 

but there was no will to do so on her part, all she wanted was space.

 

Realizing that this was actually a break up I spent many tearful days feeling lost and frightened by the whole turn of events.

 

So I didn't contact her for two weeks and one evening I just sent a text asking her how she was. She called me back and we arranged to meet up the next week. Then for two weeks we tried again, spending time together, doing things together, but it just didnt feel the same. It was clear she didn't want to be with me.

 

After the two weeks though I was not as upset as the initial split, I took a week to myself and resolved to get all my stuff from her house, took her numbers off my phone, out of my address book. Went round to see her, told her I was really sad about everything but accepted that this was the only way forward, told her I wished her happiness in life, hugged her and left with all my stuff.

 

I got home, cried, spent the saturday numb, sunday felt generally grim, monday threw myself into work and got involved in some activities to keep me busy. Spent two weeks feeling ok about things, realizing there are many possibilities in life and that someday new love will come, until then I just have to work on myself and build up the conditions whereby I am in the right place and frame of mind for new love! Then last weekend I was fine until the Sunday when I really wanted to call her...but I resisted and feel a little stronger for it now.

 

If anything the idea of No Contact has become more important than contacting her. I know if I break NC I have failed and I know I am doing the wrong thing. I am just doing NC for my sakes, to acclimatize myself into single life and new routines and not to win her back, and the longer I do it, the less I think of the fantasy of reconciliation and as a result become more open to good times in the future.

 

Having said this, it is still hard and there is no easy answer to getting past the hurt than to just focus on yourself and your own life, your family and your friends until you oneday wake up feeling good!

 

My take on your situation is that you are on the right track in all you are doing, looking at yourself, your behaviour, your patterns of behaviour, keep doing this until you feel you understand that aspect of yourself a little better and how it impacts upon the relationships you have.

 

Does such emotional turbulence really make you happy?

 

My relationship was turbulent too, sometimes she would start arguments, sometimes I would and they always stemmed from our own negative behaviour and moods. Since the split I have looked into myself to understand some of my behaviour in this regard, she had a fiery temper and would project insecurities onto me, and vice versa, so we would end up arguing over nothing, shouting, storming out, all of that stuff....so silly in retrospect, but it happened nonethless. I can certainly remember times where I would think 'Is this relationship really what I want?' and I genuinely thought that but was always too scared to end it, plus I always believed that you should never act impulsively on huge decisions. And sure enough, two weeks later I felt like I loved her, then once again there would be a period of arguing and it would be back to square one!

 

So lightening the load for me on my journey in the aftermath of the split is the fact that the stress of all the arguing and conflict has gone, I no longer fear a moodswing from her or an over reaction to something i forgot to do like take a mug of coffee off a bookshelf that would spiral into an argument...

 

Who is to blame?

 

We both are.

 

The way we reacted to each other became a pattern and it got to the point where its weave was too tight, it couldnt be unspun, so we split.

 

It was turmoil for us both really, the relationship became the place from which we sought sanctuary, rather than being as it should, a sanctuary we to escape the turmoils of life!

 

When the relationship becomes a turmoil of itself, what is a person to do? If both parties can't find a solution, then there is only one way forward for you both.

 

If the stress of the relationship outweighs its joys then a balance is tipped and to restore it becomes difficult. But there is one thing you can do...

 

Focus on restoring some harmony into your life. Leave behind the turmoil.

You are the only aspect of this situation that you have any control over, nothing you say or do will make much difference if a person genuinely feels they do not want to be in a relationship anymore.

 

For this reason I would simply reinforce the old mantra of No Contact.

 

Heal and balance yourself.

[Jon8652]

Thank you for your advice, I would agree with everything that you are saying, and knowing what three years feels like, I can only imagine what five would feel like. I don't know what to feel right now, the only thing I do know is that there is still a feeling of hope for me. At the same time if there is one thing I can take away from almost everyone on this site it is that I am going to keep going NC for as long as possible. I don't know how to deal with the holidays, I mean in terms of contact, do I send a text? If she contacts me do I pick up the phone? That I am still unsure about.

 

However, at this very second I feel that I cannot give up completely. I mean just hearing the fact that you were able to give it another try after a few weeks, even just to know it wasn't going to work, makes me happy. I can only hope that I am given that chance, but also understand if I am not. I would love if we were able to give it another go, but even if it did not work, I think I would feel the same as you, more at peace with the situation.

 

For me, the NC is more about not being needy. I know how I sounded that last time I saw her, and if there is anything that she is able to see in this period of time it is my hope that she understands I am trying to learn about myself and become more independent. I guess we will see.