Need help to heal.

[grieving06]

I have been married 15 years and have a 14 year old daughter. I married right out of HS. Both my husband and I were babies when we married, we wanted to do what was right for our daughter.

 

2 years ago, my husband had an affair. By way of marriage counseling, he was diagnosed with sexual compulsion (sex addict). This is the same as alchoholism and drug addiction. We were referred to a Therapist that specialized in sexual disorders. My husband stated he loved me and would never hurt me again. He is my best friend and the only man I've ever had in my life. I was so hurt and in so much pain for many months. It took me about 8 months to finally start to feel better. But all the while he was by my side helping me through this. I am a very private person and dealt with this on my own.

 

We worked with the therapist for about 9 months and really felt everything was right. My husband has been taking anti-depressents to help him with his urges.

 

About 4 months ago my husband and I stopped having sex. I noticed something different about him and now that I know the signs I new something wasn't right. The week of Thanksgiving he told me he had been seeing 3 women. But he also told me he loved me, I was a great wife and mother but he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I left to my hometown and returned last Friday.

 

I am seeing a counselor and am on medical leave from work. I am a total mess. My husband has moved out and I am in the house with my daughter. This is also very hard for her, she misses her dad. I have broken many times and have called him. I saw him today for the first time since I left. I miss him so much and I hurt so much.

 

I don't why this happening. If I'm such a great person, then why is this happening to me?? He has given up and wants to be on his own. He loves me but doesn't understand why he keeps seeking women. I know it's not me but this really hurts.

 

I have lost my best friend and feel so much pain. How am I going to get through this?

 

Thank you for listening.

[rose2summer]

If he is seeing these other women, he does NOT love you.

 

I think a 1time mistake may be excusable, but he's up to 4 women now.

 

Do you want to have the leftovers, or get a real man who knows how to love you properly?

 

You will slowly heal, only by creating space between you two, if that's what you choose to do.

 

Constantly forgiving him for this behavior will only fuel his fire to do it more.

 

Maybe taking some time away is the best option.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Dako]

Rose is right.

If he loved you in any accptable way, he'd be faithful.

Therapy didn't help.

 

I'd suggest looking out for you and your daughter and try to let go of him.

It'll be hard for a while, but in time you can find a monogamous and caring man. You deserve as much.

[Daddy Bear]

a one-way relationship like this, open at one end and closed at the other, is inherently unfair and hurtful to the monogamous partner. whether he loves you or not, your husband has put you in a bad spot. despite professionally-assisted attempts to suppress it, he is apparently following an instinct to spread himself around, which leaves you with few viable options. unless and until he earnestly determines to change his behavior, i think it might be time for you to thoughtfully consider whether you'd be better off to find it tolerable long-term or to get out of a marriage that doesn't make you happy.

[grieving06]

I have accepted that I can't be married to him anymore. We are separated and will be filing for divorce. At this point neither one of us is ready to do this. But I also know he's farther along in the grieving process. He has probably been thinking about this for a while. He is giving me time to get through this to make the final step.

 

I had a hard time accepting this wasn't about me. He's told me many times I am the perfect wife and I deserve better. He can't give me back the love that I give to him. Part of this is due to his addiction. We have had many intense and emotional conversations. Loving me is not the issue here - but I'm starting to realize it's not enough. Love is not enough.

 

He loves me, knows I'm the perfect wife but that's not what he wants. He wants to have many women and he doesn't want to be tied to a relationship. This could be part of the addiction or could be why he is an addict. I don't know, I'm trying to stop analyzing this.

 

I don't know the details of the 3 woman - I didn't want to go there again. When I first found out about the 1st affair I needed to know everything. It was probably not the smart thing to do. It lifted the burden of his shoulders but I ended up with the burden. This time I chose not to ask for details and I left.

 

The hard part is moving on. I know we won't be together anymore. I miss him greatly. I have this constant pain because the man I love is gone. So I need help getting through this.

 

My counselor told me to talk as much as possible about this. I shouldn't isolate myself and in time I will heal.

 

When will I heal? I am very lonely. Sometimes I think is it that I miss him? We have been distant these past few months so I'm not sure. Do I just miss having someone with me? I don't know. I just know I want to feel better.

 

Thank you for listening again.

[mike_chppr]

grieving06,

 

Times like these can be hard. Your daughter is almost fully grown. Explain what is going on in terms of something like her boyfriend.

 

There are basically two things going on.

1) You came back the first time and are begging for 100% of his affection (rightfully so) part of doing this makes you feel pathetic and he sees through that.

 

2) He isn't taking credit for his own actions. He is blaming his "addiction" until he reflects on what he is doing and empathizes with the pain that he is causing himself and others, he will not change. He knows your his sidekick and friend with "benifits" and that is his comfort zone.

 

So, I think you should leave him. Be optimistic, this will hurt, you will have to change and there will be really painful moments. Realize what you have done yesterday has gotten you to where you are today. You can make it on your own. Your daughter will choose which parent she wants to be with. But it is important that she understand your decision. The other part of your decision needs to be in her best interest. Later down the road in life if (and possibly probably when) she ends up with a cheating boyfriend/husband, she can realize that there is another option to "sticking it out". You aren't just leaving for you, you are leaving to show her that there are other options to this kind of abuse. You don't have to say that to her, your actions will show it to her.

 

Leaving a man like this is an act of love for yourself and your daughter, be optimistic about your future, it will take time to heal. I am very lonely and I haven't moved out of the house yet. But reading and getting on these boards and seeing a psychologist and going to work. Sometimes breaking down in front of a coworker can be the best thing to ever happen. It doesn't show weakness, and I'm amazed at how many people are there for me right now. People coming out of the woodworks with compassion. I explain to them my situation is mutual, but they still think, my wife is an evil wanker for leaving me within 60 days of coming back from Iraq. No matter how I tell them that I have hurt her to they are there to support me, and I've been gone for 16 months!

 

Live 1/2 day at a time. Make yourself get up and go to work. If you look disheveled who cares? If anyone says anything you can reply back, "What would you look like if you found out that your husband of 15 years has three girlfriends on the side?" Then turn and walk away. The water cooler talk will be murmering. And someone with some real compassion will want to talk with you about it, maybe even they have gotten through it already.

 

I know the kind of person you are, the... keeping personal life private kind of person..., but now is the time to step out. What do you have to loose, people are more understanding and empathetic than you can imagine. They don't want you to be alone anymore than you want to be. They care about you and love you. They want this opportunity to connect, share and show you how much you really mean to them. You will never find out how much love and compassion is out there until you open up.

 

I don't know your religious preference, but a church/temple/mosque can be a way to connect with others. Family is a way, but sometimes that just puts you right back into victim mode.

 

Forgiveness, this is how you move on. I'm convinced of it. Feel your rage now, but in the end you have to forgive. This doesn't mean forget, but you have to digest this pain and the loss you feel. It is a grieving process and it is very real. A fantastic book I'm reading right now is link removed. It has really brought everything into perspective for me. It hurts, it feels alone, but you have to live with you till the last day. Do you want to feel pathetic groveling for a cheating mans heart. Or do you want to feel the joy and happiness of "you made it"... "you have truly discovered who YOU are"

 

I think that is about all I can say right now. Be positive, don't blame him, realize it is both of you. Grasp that you can love him and hate him at the same time. You probably will love him a little bit for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean you are crippled by that love. I think everyone can say that about their first sweetheart. You aren't alone, many have treaded this water and some of them are right here on these boards.

 

I in no way have any credentials to give advice, know that I empathize with you, I haven't experienced what you are going through, but know that you are loved.

 

As for the advice that I have given above, others are welcome to add to interject or comment on it.

 

Later

Mike_chppr

[grieving06]

Wow! Thank you for your advice. I am taking it day by day and it is definitely very painful.

 

I am going through with the divorce, I just need time to prepare. I'm sorry to hear about your wife leaving.