day 6 guys i needyour help...getting clouded

[kickedin]

well its day 6

she was supposed to have dinner with her brother last night and he was going to talk with her to see whats really going since she kind of just cut it off over a fight but she cancelled on him cause she wasnt feeling good

 

right now i am feeling somber becuase i havent seen her and the last time(t -day) i did she was talking about planning a june wedding

 

i miss her and the fact that she isnt contacting me is killing me!

 

its two weeks from christmas and i dont know what that will bring, if she does call i dont think i would not answer cause i want to and i would stand firm at this point even if she begged me back i dont know how i could trust that she wouldnt jump ship again

 

does she not love me? to be able to just leave me alone for two weeks

 

the fact that she said "i thought you hated me after i went off on you" and never bothered to call and apologize ......i really dont understand her and maybe i never will but i can only say that after dealing with this for two years and seeing her patterns

 

broke up with first fiance 3 months before wedding

 

separated and divorced husband

 

and now ME!

 

i feel like this girl is looking for something that isnt there she says stuff like

 

"well when i see you i get caught up in emotions and relationships based on emotions arent good"

 

WHAT THE HECK? ISNT A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON EMOTION?

 

GUYS I AM SO CONFUSED

 

i want to call her i want to write her either to say hey this is nuts lets work it out but i know she will just beat me down.....and maybe thats what i want to know she will never come back into my life like she did before after four months

 

see fact is nothing bad has really happened except her unstability...yes she has said and done some harsh stuff in the heat of the moment.......but i feel like i wont move on until, who knows, shes in love with someone else lol!

 

i know most people say its not you its her....that we were together while she was getting a divorce and she doesnt want to rush into getting into another long term deal let alone a marriage because she hasnt fully accepted her divorce and that why she lashes out on you......

 

i would be fine with just dating exclusively but she has a problem with being intimate and not being married after awhile she will feel guilty(shes christian) and granted i dont see the big deal because we love eachother and planned on being married but anyway it got to her.....so i was kinda in a pickle because of this

 

so here i am left wondering how she can leave things so open ended......no real definitive nothing except her actions and saying to me "i dont know what the future holds for me yada yada yada"

 

so she never wants to close the door.....but i feel like i have to for my own peace but yet i feel like she was it for me..........so again i am screwed i know time heals but when we broke up in january in a more bitter volatile way..........i still couldnt get over her and when she came back 4 months later i was just so happy i didnt test her and make her prove herself

 

 

ok i am rambling

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey kickedin -

 

I see why you're confused.

 

Seems to me like she is as well. She's pretty messed up dude. I mean, emotionally. Sounds like she has some real issues that should probably be addressed professionally.

 

I think you are right to stay away - at least until she gets some help.

 

I think she does like you but is totally confused, scared, etc.....

 

I know you said we would say it - and I think you know it's true - it's not you.....it's her. She makes a lot of excuses ....for why things WON'T work. Why?

 

She needs help to sort through her commitment phobias, her christian issues that she throws in the way as a lame attempt at an excuse...I don't mean that disrespectfully, I just bet there are other christian laws she breaks with no issues at all...like divorce.

 

She's using excuses because she is afraid of something.

 

 

I personally think she needs help....and there's my input.

[kickedin]

well i agree....its just that i am getting urt in the process...judging by her pattern anyone could see that..

 

here is an excerpt she sent me from an email 3 weeks ago:

 

HOWEVER- I am disappointed in myself for making my own decisions and asking God to revolve His will for me around them. You see, I used to be like you. I wanted to get married and have kids, so badly! I admit, I settled! I was close to settling with xxxxx(first fiance)-but deep deep down in my heart, I knew He was not the one God chose for me. I settled with xxxxx(husband)knowing that He was not the one God chose for me. But he was the best I COULD FIND and I was growing impatient! I suffered so badly, xxxxxx(thats me). So very, very badly!

Multiply your pain with xxxxxx(my ex), AND what you feel now times 10….experience this pain for 3 years straight, and deal with fighting with either one of us and feeling the sting of lies, lawyers, courts, etc. Yes, you suffered heart ache-but you never experienced being at WAR with someone for a long, long time. You never felt the pain, embarrassment, and CONFUSION of a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. : ‘ (

 

so this email came after a week of silence...we then saw eachother for t-day and got right back into it and then it blew up and now we are here........so i can see that she wouldn't write this to bs me right?

 

my gut is telling me that she is messed up loves me and cares for me but knows she isnt ready si in a way she is stuck at a crossroads........

[bambina maxima]

Kicked in, you are hanging on to a fantasy. You are doing SO WELL; don't jeapordize yourself any further. Whether she means to or not, she is really messing with you, and it's taking a toll on you. You're in deep, I know...but keep walking. It WILL get better.

 

You've brought up this talk of planning a june wedding a few times. Here's the thing: it was just talk. There was no actual planning. She was vocalizing a fantasy. You must try to grasp that the talk of a wedding had no grounds in reality. In order for that to even be a remote possibility, right now you both need to step far, far away from this and get to where you need to be emotionally on an individual basis. What's brewing now just reeks of codependency...

 

You can't hold her hand while she works through her commitment issues. She's got to figure it out for herself. Maybe she needs outside help, but it sure as hell can't come from you...you need to heal just as much as she does.

 

Take your time, believe in yourself, you'll get through it. She isn't looking out for your well-being...you need to do that. If she keeps peeking through the barely-open door, you need to just slam it and lock it and not look back.

 

HOw long has this been going on?? Can you really say the good times are outweighing this misery? Real love isn't like this, my friend. Love is about caring, respect, honesty, committment, understanding. I dont' think there's a whole lot of ANY of those things going on here. Please try to think about this with your brain and not your heart. Eventually your heart will catch up to your brain...believe it!!

[AwdreeHpburn]

She's not stuck at a crossroads.

 

She doesn't want to be with ANYBODY - whether she likes them or not - and is making excuse after excuse in an attempt to keep people away.

 

I have a sneaking feeling that she is uncomfortable alone or not being with someone - but somewhere in her, she knows and wants to just be alone for a while.

 

Yet, in her times of lonliness - that we all have - she reaches out for contact. But then when things go toofar and she realises it's getting to deep, she cuts it off cos she didn't want a relationship, she wanted company to shoo away the lonliness.

 

I think she needs some help.....help identifying her feelings, help saying the right words to help others understand her feelings and frankly - and again, I really mean no disrespect by this - but she needs to stop hiding behind her religion....seems like she can say anything she wants if she's putting it under the umbrella of what she thinks her god wants for her...

[bambina maxima]

Wow, in that excerpt it almost sounds like she's holding it against you because you haven't had a divorce. Like "Oh, my emotional pain is so much bigger than yours because blah blah blah".

 

Anyone who tries to make a COMPETITION out of MISERY is just out of their mind. She is trying to make you feel guilty for not having experience the "depth of pain" that she's been through. Whatever. How can she presume to know what you have or haven't endured emotionallY???? I'm sorry kicked in, but that just p####s me off. She has no right to assume you are less emotionally traversed than she.

[kickedin]

i agree talk is cheap......i know she has to do this on her own without using me whn she gets lonely and wants a relationship until she cycles back down......i cant help her she needs to help herself and i am sure she knows the risk

 

i think her secuirty blanket is knowing that i love herso mch and she can always come back......when she found out that i might have been with someone after we broke up she camer running back after 4 months.....so i guess she thought she was losing me

 

how do i notion that i aint waiting around...because its not fair that she gets to have such a huge security blanket.........i know the heart wants

 

i do realize what is going on here it just hurtsto realize she isnt caring about me the way i need maybe in her head she thinks by letting me go yes it will hurt but she wont constantly feel guilty for always letting me down becuase of her inabilities and fears

[kickedin]

Wow, in that excerpt it almost sounds like she's holding it against you because you haven't had a divorce. Like "Oh, my emotional pain is so much bigger than yours because blah blah blah".

 

Anyone who tries to make a COMPETITION out of MISERY is just out of their mind. She is trying to make you feel guilty for not having experience the "depth of pain" that she's been through. Whatever. How can she presume to know what you have or haven't endured emotionallY???? I'm sorry kicked in, but that just p####s me off. She has no right to assume you are less emotionally traversed than she.

 

 

i can see that.....but i guess it was her way of describing where she is at now......as in " i am not over my divorce".......and i guess because i really didnt love my ex the wa i love her....so thats why she is doing it that way......i am 28 she is 34 so our experience is off when it comes to long terms stuff........she knows the pain i am in

[VIRGOLDY]

Kicked I notice yu keep saying you KNOW she;s doing this or that....but yet it's like you are wanting to justify her behavior in some way. Why??

All you need are the facts. She ISN'T calling you, texting you, emailing you, smoke signaling you. What else is there to figure out? She's gone. Let her figure out her issues on her own. All that is going to do is drag you down and

keep you stuck. Life is short dude. Go be happy.

[kickedin]

I THINK WE GOT A WINNER.....!!!!!!!

[kickedin]

Kicked I notice yu keep saying you KNOW she;s doing this or that....but yet it's like you are wanting to justify her behavior in some way. Why??

All you need are the facts. She ISN'T calling you, texting you, emailing you, smoke signaling you. What else is there to figure out? She's gone. Let her figure out her issues on her own. All that is going to do is drag you down and

keep you stuck. Life is short dude. Go be happy.

 

I SAY THAT BECAUSE i have been down this road with her

[AwdreeHpburn]

how do i notion that i aint waiting around...because its not fair that she gets to have such a huge security blanket.....

 

stay with the No Contact thing.

 

Stay strong.

 

Post here when it gets rough.

 

Talk to your friends.

 

Stay away from her.

 

Tell her if she tries to come back in that she is bad for you right now and that you just really need to take this time to heal from her. Ask her to give you the time, ask that she please just really respect god's wishes, tell her where you are and what you are doing and then let it be.

[bambina maxima]

i do realize what is going on here it just hurtsto realize she isnt caring about me the way i need maybe in her head she thinks by letting me go yes it will hurt but she wont constantly feel guilty for always letting me down becuase of her inabilities and fears

 

"She isn't caring about me the way I need"....kicked in...I think this is the key as to why you are sort of stuck in this emotional vortex right now.

 

You feel you need her. That isn't love...needing somebody else to make you happy, fufilled, isn't healthy. You WANT a caring, nurturing relationship, and that isn't wrong. You should definitely require those things. She can't offer you the things you WANT in a relationship. Ask yourself why you feel you need her...really try to answer that question. If it's a matter of feeling some self-worth...you are looking for validation in someone else.

 

What do you really need? You need to trust that for now, you are going to be alright by yourself. You need to know that right now she misses you and is confused, but can't give you a healthy relationship. What you really need is to find some piece of mind and right now that doesn't include her.

[kickedin]

yes i was ok with out her i will survive either way....and i think your guys' descript of where she is is right on a state of confusion....that cannot be helped by me

 

 

what i need from her.....was me just stating that what i need from her in "our relationship" otherwise i was unhappy........

 

i am rebuilding my biusiness and starting another getting my finances back in order and going to the gym....so i havent self destructed

[bambina maxima]

sorry kicked in...guess sometimes I see the word "need" and red flags fly everywhere. I should have read more carefully. I am sure you'll get on. We're here for you!

[AwdreeHpburn]

kickedin -It's ok if you have ....self destructed. It's ok if you feel bad even though you KNOW its her.

 

Cut yourself some slack - and WE should too ... you liked this girl for a long time.

 

In my case - I just want for you - to keep the proper perspective. The issues are hers, not yours...obvioulsy that doesn't mean you can just say, "oh good. I'm over it." But when times get rough....just try to remember why you're better off.

 

Feel how you feel. Just be careful how you respond to your feelings...ya know?

[kickedin]

thanks guys and gals

 

yes i did like her and loved her

 

we just got eachother but yes HER issues are whats killing this i was always willing to work things out for us......

 

so time will tell time always does i just hope that this time next year i will be in a different place

 

 

because this time last year i was in the same place except that she was married....so that was the big excuse then

 

my mom always say i wish there was an emergency room for broken hearts that people can go to ....i said yeah its enotalone.........i guess she met physically like coffee shop or something where people actually went

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey - people actually come here!!! And I'm drinking coffee!!!!

 

 

garglerumbleramble undermybreathpeople on ena are realhymnandahah

[kickedin]

Hey - people actually come here!!! And I'm drinking coffee!!!!

 

 

garglerumbleramble undermybreathpeople on ena are realhymnandahah

 

lol

 

i know this place is great.........

[kickedin]

I Guess My Biggest Frustration Is....drum Roll That I Know She Is Capable Of Being Everything I Mean Eeverything I Ever Wanted Which She Has But It It Not Consistent Which Is Why I Hang On I Guess Because I Know Its In Her......!!!!!!uggghhhhhh

 

 

ITS LIKE SEEING HER THROUGH ICE I CAN LOOK BUT NOT TOUCH WHEN I TOUCH IT BREAKS