I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[AnonymousMG]

NOTE: I edited the title because it was very vague.

 

This is a fairly long and complicated story, so bear

with me. A little over a month ago, my girlfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me. The reasons at the time were somewhat confusing. She told me that she needed time alone, and that she didn't like that we got into little arguments all the time.

 

The arguments that we had were because we are away at different colleges. This is my second year, but her first. Last year, she was still in high school and I visited her a couple times a week at home. This year, she was much busier with her school work in college, and we had much less time to see each other. She dealt with being apart much better than I did, and I think that was mostly my fault in not being ready to accept the changes that a college relationship required.

 

Five days after she broke up with me, she sent me an email explaining why it happened in more detail. We discussed each thing in her email, and at the end of the conversation we decided to get back together. I went to see her that night, and everything seemed like it was great.

 

The next day, however, everything went wrong. She called me in the afternoon, and told me that she got back together with me for the wrong reasons. She told me that she had been thinking about me, and not about herself and that she needed more time alone. She then broke it to me that she had been having thoughts about another guy at her school. She said that she hadn't cheated on me, and that he didn't even know of her thoughts, but she felt guilty thinking about somebody else while she was with me. She told me that she still wanted to be friends, and that she hadn't made any decisions, she just needed more time to think about what she wanted.

 

Over the course of the next month, we gradually talked more and more. Things started out quite awkward, but a couple of days ago things seemed to be going really well. She told me that she wanted to see me and hang out with me as friends, and when I mentioned that I had been thinking about trying again some day, she told me that she had thought about the same thing too. She told me that she still thinks about me and misses me, but she just wasn't ready for anything yet.

 

Last night, she started talking to me and was very upset. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong at first, but after a while she told me that earlier that night, she was about to talk to the other guy and tell him about her feelings, but then she stopped because "it didn't feel right". She also told me that she felt like she was rushing things.

 

I still love her very, very much. After more than a month, my feelings for her haven't changed at all, and I don't see any sign of them changing in the future either. I know that the initial reaction that people have is that she is lying to me, and that I need to just up and move on, but I know her better than that. I trust her, and she doesn't want to hurt me. Through this whole thing, she has been honest with me, and if there was anything that I needed to know, she told me right away.

 

We were supposed to get together this weekend to go Christmas shopping, and she said that it is up to me whether I still want to or not. I want to see her, because I haven't talked to her in person about the whole situation at all. I only saw her in person once since it happened, and we just said hi.

 

She has told me that she wants to be best friends still, but I don't think I would deal very well with her being with somebody else. I also dont think that if she was with somebody else, that that person would like her to have contact with me because of our history.

 

I want to be with her again more than anything. I don't care how long it takes, or what I have to do, if there is any way to be with her it will be worth anything that I have to go through to make it happen. She is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I've never been happier than I am around her. Is there anything I can do?

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

"Is there anything I can do?"

 

In my opinion, no, there is not much you can do. She knows how you feel and where you stand in all this. She is young and she wants to feel her oats. There is also such a thing called free will. You cannot win someone back or make someone come back to you.

 

You best bet is no contact or NC and try to move on from this. You cannot hang in limbo forever and that is where you are at. Until she comes back to you and says, "I made a mistake, I miss you and I want to work this out..." everything else is futile.

 

I am so sorry about your break up and that my post is not that encouraging. Try to keep busy and hang with your friends.

 

Hang in there.

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks for your post, even though it wasn't encouraging, I'll take all the advice I can find. I forgot to mention, we have all the same friends, as if things weren't difficult enough already, that makes things even harder.

[kellbell]

Well,

 

When you see her, just be poilte and cordial and be a bit aloof as well. There is no need to ignore her or try to make her jealous.

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks, does anybody else have any suggestions or things that have worked for them in the past? I really love her and I want to make sure that I do whatever is going to maximize my chances of being with her again in the future. Is it wrong of me to take it as a sign of hope that she felt like something was wrong when she was going to talk to this other guy?

[AnonymousMG]

Ok, update. When I talked to her yesterday, she told me that the reason she didn't say anything to that guy is because she felt like she was rushing into things. I asked her if she still wanted to keep our plans for tomorrow to go Christmas shopping, and she said that it was up to me. I'm thinking that I want to go, and make sure that I stay strong and in a good mood around her. I don't think that I'll have a problem doing that, I've been doing well so-far this weekend. Has anybody had any similar situations that have worked out for them? Or maybe some advice to help me tomorrow? Thank-you, everybody here has been a great help so-far.

[rsxguy520]

we are definitely on the same boat bro...honestly my advise is too just go NC for awhile. Try to get away from the situation and let her find out for herself as to what she wants. but thats all on you.

 

Im in the same sort of situation as you. ex having feelin's for some other guy. for me, i initated NC after she stood me up not wanting to have some coffee. its been what roughly almost 3 months since the split and im doing much more better than ever. I realize too much stuff about myself and her. and definitely just worry about yourself than whats happening between you guys right now. The best thing you can do is just let it go, and let things work out on its own.

[AnonymousMG]

She just told me that she wants to try being with this other guy. I couldn't take her dragging me along like this anymore, I told her that she has broken my heart, I need to be alone, and that I can't be friends with her right now because it's too hard. I guess this is the start of NC. I feel terrible right now. It hurts worse than when we broke up because then I still had hope. I feel like I just threw everything away. Does anybody have any suggestions on how to handle this? I would really greatly appreciate it...

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"I feel like I just threw everything away."

 

No, she threw everything away by breaking up with you and wanting to be with another guy.

"Does anybody have any suggestions on how to handle this?"

 

Take it one day a time. There isn't any magic words or potions to speed up the time to take the pain away I am afraid. Try to keep busy, hang out with your friends, do what makes you happy but also, expereince the emotions as they come insteadf of "stuffing" them.

 

I am really sorry how things turned out. Don't be a stranger and try to hang in there.

[AnonymousMG]

Thank-you for the suggestions, one of the hardest parts of this for me is that I still have feelings for her, and even after all she's done to me, I'm still not mad at her, but I can't let her keep hurting me like this. I can't stand the thought of her being with somebody else. The things that she said to me, and the things that we did together... I can't bear thinking that those same things are occurring with somebody else. It is one of the most painful things that I have ever experienced.

[vinil]

I definetly agree with kellbell.That kind of advice is golden.

[kellbell]

"one of the hardest parts of this for me is that I still have feelings for her..."

 

That is understandable and you probably will for quite some time, which is normal. Unfortunately, we are not able to shut off our feelings like a light switch. These things take time.

 

and even after all she's done to me, I'm still not mad at her...

 

This is understandable as well. You have not reached that stage yet. Right now, you are proabably in shock and your ego is protecting itself from the hurt. That will wear off and you will feel anger. And it is okay to be angry with her, anger is a vaulable way to see the situation for what it is and help you move on. But it is important not to get wrapped up the anger. It is said that a person goes through 5 stages of grief and in no particular order. They are denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.

 

You will probably experience that dreaded emotional rollercoaster where one day you will feel okay and the next day, you may feel miserable. That is okay and normal. But NC is very valuable in getting over an ex.

 

Another member here wrote a fabulous thread about no contact. I recommend you read it and to post here often and track your progress.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

Here is the link to NC thread....

 

 

[Biffy]

It is said that a person goes through 5 stages of grief and in no particular order. They are denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.

 

I'm finding that this grief process isn't a straight track, not at all.

 

One minute I'm in acceptance, then back to anger, then to depression, then... well you see my point.

 

Zombie's not having such a good day.

[papalazarou]

I'm finding that this grief process isn't a straight track, not at all.

 

One minute I'm in acceptance, then back to anger, then to depression, then... well you see my point.

 

Zombie's not having such a good day.

 

 

Thats right it isnt. Whilst those are the 5 stages...you could be bouncing between them all for awhile before moving on completely.

[AnonymousMG]

Thank-you, I'll keep all of that in mind. It's so hard to keep this going and it hasn't even been a full day yet. I want more than anything to contact her in some way but I know I can't. I deleted her from my buddy list, and I keep almost putting her back on just so I can even see if she's online or not. I'm definatly going to check out that NC thread you linked me to, hopefully it'll provide some guidance and I can see how others have dealt with similar urges. I feel like there are 2 parts of me fighting over what I really want, the rational side of me knows that I need to keep this NC going and that I need to let go, but the other side of me wants to be with her more than anything and feels like I would rather be in pain and thinking about her than not be in pain and be completely void of her in my life... I feel like I just sound crazy now, but I can't help it. The rational part of me could give 1,000,000 reasons why I shouldn't have hope, and why I should give up, but just 1 single thought, no matter how small allows the other side of me to ignore all 1,000,000 reasons. Love just doesn't make any sense...

[keefy1972]

Okay, first of all she told you the truth. She told you she was interested in some other guy. I am happy to hear that you did the right thing by telling her that you couldn't take it anymore. For the past month or whatever, you've been letting her have the fantasty of that other guy, while also having the security of being able to talk to you. Someone that truly accepts her. Her hesitation with the other guy probably has a lot to do with fear of him not accepting her as completely as you did.

 

No contact is what you both need right now. The reasons behind your break up aren't important anymore. She has expressed a desire to be with someone else and that says it all. I think that if you go into this nc thing with solid resolve, she will eventually start to miss you like crazy. Seems as if you've always been there for her and she will miss that. The new guy is a relationship that amounts to a rebound. Give it time, he will screw it up several times, and each time he does, she will think about you. Having not heard from you in a while, she will start to idealize you and, before you know it, you will have turned into "Mr. Perfect" in her mind. I'm not trying to keep your hopes up but you must understand what time and distance can do for you. Who knows, with the right amount of time and distance, you may be in a place where you don't want to hear from her again.

 

Be resilient. Be Patient.

[AnonymousMG]

That makes a lot of sense, I guess I'm just worried that he's going to make her happier than she was with me. I know that its possible, and I know that I shouldn't still be thinking about that, but I am still hoping that she realizes something like that. But even if she does, I need to make sure that I don't let her back into my life until I am ready for it. I know that would be even harder than anything that I've experienced so-far. To have her want me back but tell her that she has to wait would be incredibly difficult, but I would need to do that to both make sure that I was ready, and for her to make sure that it was what she really wanted. I know that if we do get back together some day, that doesn't automatically mean that it's forever, but I can't go through with the pain of being with her for a week and her changing her mind again. The one thing I'm worried about in reading other posts is that NC seems to work the best if done right away (the part of it about getting somebody back, not the part about fixing yourself). I don't know if its been too long for that. Regardless, I still know that this is what I need and it isn't an option for me to turn back on it now.

[keefy1972]

Well no contact is actually for you to feel better about yourself. It's not really a tool that can be used to get someone back. If you have no contact, then you can't do anything to screw things up. As time goes by, your annoying habits and things she didn't like will fade. She will only remember the good things about you. It's NEVER too late for that.

 

Now about him making her happier than you did. You've got to get that outta your head. Why? Because you can't control it. What goes on between them is not something you can do anything about. At this point, anything you do is going to make your case worse. So your best bet is to do nothing.

 

He may make her happy and he may not. Nobody knows that, but if he doesn't and you are no longer a security blanket, when things go south with them, she is going to be desperate to get you back. That's just how it works.

[AnonymousMG]

I just was talking to somebody about the whole situation and how it hurts to think that somebody else will feel the same things with her that I felt. I had a thought that has helped me since it came to mind that I hope will be able to help some other people too. I think the best way to think about it is that they might feel something similar but it won't be the same, because every love is different.

[AnonymousMG]

I made plans with a group of friends to go snow tubing January 6th, and she was invited to go. It has been about 24 hours since I told her that I couldn't be friends with her and she just randomly talked to me online saying "do you even want me going tubing" I simply responded "i dont know right now, but for now i need to not have any contact with you" her response was similar to when I initially told her that I couldn't be friends with her, she said "oh sry bye" and i said bye and that was the end of it. It seems a bit odd to me that she decided to ask about that now, with almost a month until it matters anyway. Also, the way that she asked was a little strange too. She didnt ask "do you still want me to go?" it was "do you even want me to go". I was worried at first that this NC wouldn't effect her at all. To clarify, my main reason for the NC is to fix myself, and I'm hoping that things may work themselves out between us in the process, and I'm not becoming overly hopeful and hurting myself because she said this, but does it seem to anybody else that her question may have had alterior motives behind it? Since the day she broke up with me I have still been exactly what she wanted. She said she wanted to be friends and I said ok. Now, for the first time, I am not there. Does that make sense?

[Jasrosy]

I am sorry to hear the things you are going through... All I can say is that you should take some advice that the other have offered. I am going through the same things, I really want my ex back, and I tried so many things, I cry, I humilliate myself, I begged, and sometimes, you realize that enough is enough. I realized that sometime 5 months after. I mean, I still had hoped, just like you do, and I can't lie to you that I am still do right now, but you need to think about yourself. My ex didn't call me, but he was calling the other girl everyday, and they talked for hours, I feet bad, because I am 7 months pregnant. I know how you feel because you have shared the most amazing moments with your partner, but you have to realize, that its their loss, not yours, and as much as you want something, they are the ones who have to realize it.

 

Maybe they'll come back, maybe they won't, but I think is best to not contact them. I am doing that, I don't answer his messages anymore, its hard, but we can do it. Just hold on, and value yourself, for the person you are, and don't feel bad, because inside you, you know you did everything for this relationship, but its your partner, who didn't value it. I guess you just have to respect yourself, and try your best to forget, and you'll never know, maybe you should pray, if you believe it that stuff, even though sometimes I don't, I do pray now, and just ask to heal your heart. I mean, you must be young, you still have lots of things ahead of you, and be thankfull, that you don't have children. I made my mistake, and not I am expecting a little boy, and I am only 19. Just hold on, and most importantly, respect yourself.

 

It might not be easy, but just hold on, and sorry to inform you, just like many told me, there is nothing else you can do, just let time, but you need to decide when its time for you to move on. Once you have decided, time will help you erase the pain, but its up to you to move on. I am telling you this because even now, I am not sure I want to move on, but the only thing I do, is try to ignore messages, and think only the good things I can do with my life.

[AnonymousMG]

This whole thing is still getting crazier by the minute, every minute of NC gets harder, and makes me want to talk to her more, but I just hope that she might miss me too. I can't really put words to the thoughts I've been having. It's just a really difficult in every sense of the word...