A brand new stepfather

[MapleLeafinTX]

I have recently married a woman from Texas, who has 2 children from 2 previous unions. They are 8 and 14, respectively. The one who is 14 is taking it pretty easy, but the one who is 8 will do anything to have me out, from lying to his mom about the fact that I hurt him, to insisting on sleeping with her every night and conveniently forgetting how to towel himself dry after a bath or how to wipe himself after going to the bathroom.

 

I come from a very intellectual background, most of my friends being engineers, doctors or other liberal professions, and I know there is no way to reason with a kid that age, I just feel at a loss because even when I try to be serious and tell him to stop what might be, in my eyes, an unacceptable behaviour, he just walks off and starts throwing or hitting things, very violently.

 

Couple that to the fact that as long as I am not permanently settled in Texas, I come from Canada, my wife insists that we keep our marriage a secret so she doesn't have to be burdened by the reactions of her friends and family.

 

This is all very new to me, and was thinking I might get some pointers on moral authority(unsupported by the Bible, just common sense) and maybe trying to establish a climate of trust and openness about the whole situation.

[southerngirl]

First, are the childrens fathers involved in their life?

 

Second, soemthing concerns me, she doesnt want her family or friends to know you have married??? wow..

 

 

Okay that aside, the 8 year old could be testing you. Pushing you away to test your love. Right now what he needs is your friendship. Not for you to be the disciplinarian. Try to let your wife handle the discipline of her kids even if you discuss this with her without them listening, giving your input into rules etc.

 

Spend alot of time with the kid, try to bond with him and develop your own relationship. With any luck in time he will accept you, going to take time and alot of love from you. Remember he is the child, and you are the adult. Dont get into power struggles with him. Try to reassure him that by your being there he in no way is losing his mom.

 

I married my husband when my oldest child had just turned six. We went through some of this too, im telling you what I told my husband. Now, we will have been married 3 years in March, and my son is 9... I think he really accepts my husband now even him being a disciplinarian but it took time. He had to build up trust and they spent many hours bonding. Throwing the football, playing playstation... going to eat... A friendship had to form between them. Love had to grow. Im thankful everyday that my son now has a dad, be it a step-dad...

 

Because its the first dad my son has ever had. Thats why I asked you if the childrens father is involved. That would make a difference.

[Beec]

I think keeping the marriage a secret worries me. If you are a secret, you are easy to get rid of.

 

Otherwise, I think your wife needs to be the disciplinarian right now. And you need to make sure you are respected, now. I would not try to exercise authority over him, but jsut not let him walk on you. Otherwise, I agree with southerngirl. It will take time.

[orangecounty]

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be not to discipline the children. Leave it to the mother. I know that can be incredibly difficult but your attempts will only be met with resistance. You haven't been there with them since they were young and hence the bond will not be the same. Though by all means support your wife when she is disciplining the children. I come from a divorced home as well. It sounds like the younger one is acting out and is not adjusting well to the new circumstances. I would give him plenty of space for the time being.

I agree with the others, why would you want to keep a marriage secret?

[agent1607307371]

I agree on the mother as disciplinarian points.

I think that the best thing you can do for the child is to be consistent. He's probably afraid that he's losing his mother to you, so do your best to show him that he's not losing anyone, just gaining someone else who will be there for him.

 

When will you be able to settle permanently with your family? Keeping it secret sounds quite worrying to me...

[MapleLeafinTX]

I will be moving permanently in Texas in July 2007, I have a lot of things I need to finalize in Canada, and can only afford to come down for vacation. Plus the money would be an issue if I moved earlier.

 

The first father is as absent as possible, and the second father has always made a point of hating the oldest, so just the fact that I help him out with playstation and xbox stuff and care to give him his space has pretty much done the trick for him.

 

Discipline is somewhat a problem with the youngest because his mother doesn't want to discipline him and instead gives in to any tantrum. His father is still present, but drinks and does a lot of drugs (speeds) and I fear he might endanger the child with his impaired driving and shooting. Yes, their favourite pastime is shooting birds on the electric wires in the yard. I have tried doing more "classic" sports such as baseball, catch, frisbee, soccer and hockey, but I feel he has absorbed a lot of negative feelings towards these from his immediate entourage, though he shows some real talent. I try to be as positive and give him tricks... but he gets frustrated easily.

 

Thanks about the p.o.v. about losing his mother, I hadn't thought about it, honestly. I was thinking that my distance would have helped in this sense since he gets her all the time for himself, even though she talks about me.

 

As for the secret, well, I think she fears our union is too liberal and outside the norm for people to accept it. I had never realized we really do come from 2 different countries, in many, many ways. She says that we can tell everyone once I come down, but I fear her people might be more angry because she actually kept it a secret. She banks on the fact that no one knows exactly what I have to do to fully emigrate (trust me, it's a long checklist)

[melrich]

I know there is no way to reason with a kid that age,

 

I don't know what gave you that idea. You can reason with kids from about the age of 4. The trick is you need to do it in their language which is not always the same as the logic of adults.

 

Discipline is somewhat a problem with the youngest because his mother doesn't want to discipline him and instead gives in to any tantrum.

 

This is part of your problem. The natural parent HAS to be responsible for all disciplining in the first few years. The child will simply not accept your authority and will actively rebel against it. You MUST get the mother to first of all to start disciplining he child. Further you need to sit down with her and agree on what is acceptable and what is not. You must then be totally united in that. She disciplines and lays down the law and you support.

 

Step parenting is a tough gig, especially when you come into the kids lives relatively late. They see you as competition for their mom and likely as a reason their dad is not around. Your main responsibility is to develop the relationship with them, not discipline them.

 

The whole "secret" marriage thing is not helping either. Kids are incredibly perceptive and you can be sure taht they have picked up that things are not as they should be.