Gf just broke up with me... I'm a mess

[wayner427]

She called me today, and we talked for awhile.. just normal talk mostly. She said she got my letter and said it was nice.

 

Well, basically we ended up talking about the breakup again, and she still says that the weed thing is the only reason. I asked her how she felt after the breakup.. and she just said she felt disappointed. I told her I was sorry to disappoint her, then she said she was sorry that she can't accept the weed thing.

 

Then we started talking about being friends like how we were before the relationship, and she said she could do that. And I agreed to it.. but i know everything will be different.. and not sure if I really should keep in contact with her. I told her I'd call her when I got back from my trip. Do you think that maybe I'd be better off not talking to her? I really do like talking to her, but this may hurt me in the long run huh?

 

My snowboard trip ends tomorrow. It's been fun and a bit relaxing.

 

She was supposed to have come visit me this coming up Tuesday for 2 weeks. Now that she's not, I know that day will be really tough for me.

[wayner427]

We talked again last night... and we ended up taking about it again. She said that after she found out that I tried weed.. she viewed me as a different person than she expected me to be. She said that it shows that I lack self control because I should've known that drugs are bad.

 

I kept trying to say that I just simply tried it, and it barely affects who I am now, and that I have plenty of self control. She just can't change her perspective on the whole subject, and she says she's pretty sure she'll never be able to change her mind on it.

[Lanterna Magica]

She sounds wildly intolerant, having a joint once is almost nothing! If you were some stoner who smoked it all the time, got lazy, did everything half heartedly, she would have a point, but man, you tried it once!

 

Does she drink alcohol? It might be legal, but look at the effects that has on a person! Here in the UK every weekend the towns cities and villages are full of drunks, fighting and acting like morons...

 

In my own opinion, if I were in your situation I would seriously think 'Do I want to be with someone who could end a whole relationship based on something I did in the past that had no negative consequences other than to offend her own uptight view of the world!'

 

I don't think marijuana abuse is a good thing, but a joint over the years....

 

It is nothing and frankly if she can't deal with that, then maybe you have had a lucky escape.

 

I am so sorry if that sounds harsh or cold, it is not intended to be, I am just thinking that for now it is marijuana, what will offend her tomorrow that she can't get past?

 

Stay strong and really think about this, let your head guide you, you cannot undo what has been done and if she can't live with it, maybe it is for the best.

[wayner427]

I'm not doing well today. I asked her yesterday if she would just go ahead and visit and I would buy her plane ticket to go back a week early.. but she woudln't. I feel horrible today.. I can barely do any work.

[Ellie2006]

Wayner,

I strongly encourage you to initiate NC w/ her.

I know you said you guys were friends prior to dating and it sounds like you guys are trying to remain friends.

But it seems as though contact w/ her and her refusal to work things out w/ you, come and visit you, etc etc ... are hurting you more.

 

NC does not mean you guys cannot be friends later on.

BUT you need to focus on YOU first.

AFTER you're healed from this breakup, then you may want to think about whether or not you would like to salvage the friendship w/ her.

 

I know this is a rough time but hang in there, okay?

 

Take care of yourself -- i.e. eat, sleep, hang out w/ friends, exercise, etc etc ...

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[wayner427]

I think I will start NC.. Talking to her the past few days has just hurt me more. I feel just as badly as I did last week, maybe even worse.

[Ellie2006]

Wayne,

 

For what it's worth. I think you made the right decision.

No doubt about it, NC will NOT be easy; you will be tempted to break it many times. Still, it is, in *my* opinion (others may disagree), a very effective way to start the healing process.

 

Good luck.

[wayner427]

I keep looking at her old messages, emails... her plane ticket that shows her arrival time today.. it's such a horrible feeling, it's so hard to handle all of this.

[Ellie2006]

W, this may be hard but have you considered discarding the old messages and emails and other reminders?

To be honest, I held onto mine for a long time and cried and cried after finally throwing everything out but afterwards, I felt strangely liberated.

If it is too hard to throw everything away for now, how about printing out the emails, putting them all in a box, and storing it away or asking a trusted friend to keep it so that you won't be tempted to look at them?

[wayner427]

I can not look at them, but I have some moments trapped in memorization. It's unbearable thinking about what could've been if not for this small incident..

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

Well, you certainly can't say you didn't do everything you could and more in this situation. And she sees that...

 

Yet, these efforts, which are showing your true character, can't overcome in her mind your "mistake" (notice quotes) which shows her true character.

 

Wayne, listen to me. This "mistake" of yours with the herb will turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you (not to say you should necessarily make a habit out of it). You are being set free from a shallow person sooner than later buddy. I can't stress this enough. God forbid she found this out 5 years later, when you were married, had children, etc. Then what? Or what if she found out you leave the toilet seat up, or something equally as silly, and "just couldn't look at you the same way again" after that? Sounds like walking through a mine field when she has control of the triggers.

 

Realize relationships are tough and it takes a lot of tolerance, understanding, and dedication to make them work. She is simply not going to be able to have healthy relationships with anyone with her level of intolerance. Wayne, you got away clean dude. You're cold, shivering, and lost right now, but you got out of a situation I guarantee would have turned bad in the future anyway.

 

You'll find your way, find warmth, and dry off in time and with distance. This means, there is nothing. You are gone. Cry, kick, scream, yell, do whatever (within reason of course) but stay away from her. No calls, no email, no MySpace page, nothing. You see nothing, you hear nothing, you know nothing from her or about her. Keep reminding yourself of her words to you and keep reminding yourself this woman is not the woman for you.

[wayner427]

Thanks a lot Evan. I've been pretty down and out all day, but your post helps me feel a little better. From now on, I vow not to call her or look at old emails and messages. I really need to lift my chin up and get through this. I need to just try to forget her instead of surfacing the good memories that hurt.

[friscodj]

Tough times call for tough measures. I wish there was something better to say but really the only thing you can do is tough this out and in time it won't be tough anymore...but you will be...

 

The other thing is expect this to be super hard. Armor up and prepare for the freaking Normandy Invasion of grief. And when this turns out to only be a series of drive-by shootings, the 9mm rounds will bounce off your armored tank and you'll feel a little better anyway...

[wayner427]

Mornings are tough. I wake up feeling like someone shot my heart to wake me up. I picture her there lying next to me when I wake up, and she's not.. Then the drive to work is depressing as I listen to sad songs on the way. I'm having trouble getting her out of my system.

[Lanterna Magica]

I think in someways a three month relationship can lend itself to more 'what ifs' than a long term relationship. In a long term relationship the flaws in communication and whatever other issues a couple have, get a chance to become apparent and the aheer amount of time you spend together makes you see one another in pretty realistic terms.

 

I know I have been hit pretty hard by the ending of a few short term relationships, the main difficulty in getting over them was the fact that you feel you never got a chance to see how things worked out....

 

But things worked out how they worked out and in retrospect I have looked back and smiled about how sad I was for my fantasy of what life could be like rather than accepting how it really is.

 

I was with my ex for 5 years, we broke up a few months ago, just last week I discovered she had started seeing someone the very week she broke up with me....

 

I cannot lie about how hard it is, each day there are waves of sadness that pass right through my body and moments where I get stuck on the 'how could you have moved on so fast?!'

 

But on the flipside of this, there is another feeling I get, smaller and less encompassing than the sadness, but it is there and I have a feeling it will only out grow the sadness - that I have been given a great opportunity to find happiness that I couldn't find or receive during my last relationship and to improve my relationship with myself.

 

You cannot feel guilt for what you have done Wayner, you just lived life, you had experiences, they have not damaged you, in fact they helped shape you into the person your ex was initially attracted to, it is not like a darkside of your personality, it is not a mistake, it is just life and you are living it.

 

Get those sad songs off your stereo, get some good high energy music you can sing along to and imagine this....

 

Someday you meet someone who falls in love with you - and you fall in love with them, you can talk honestly and openly about your past experiences without judgement and accept one another happily for who you are in the present.

 

In short, I know it is hard and I know the pain you are feeling, but you must not let it rule your whole life, take some time for yourself, make yourself stronger mentally and physically, meet new people and just keep your mind open to new experiences and possibilities and you might well find yourself coming back here to tell the heartbroken:

 

'This was the best thing that ever happened to me!'

[wayner427]

Thanks Lanterna.

 

I'm really trying to look forward in life, and trying to get my hopes up that I'll find someone better. It's hard though. Sometimes I'm okay, then other times I'll look back and keep analyzing what happened and what could've been. Then I'll think about the times that we had and would've had for the holidays. I feel a little better though. Everyone here has really helped me get through this.

[wayner427]

Now I'm having intimate thoughts about her, and it's driving me crazy. Ugggggh, my mind is one big rollercoaster.

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

Keep posting man, it's good to get your thoughts out of your system. Just keep on contacting us and not her!

 

I've experienced before everything you've talked about here, so you are not abnormal and you are not alone. I've experienced them several times and every time I've gotten better, better than I was before the relationship actually. The same will happen for you too.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You'll become exhausted, then when you recover, your energy and outlook will return. But these thoughts and feelings you are having now won't, or they will be much less, or better yet, you won't care either way.

 

Happens everytime...

[wayner427]

I went out drinking with my friends last night, and drank more than usual. I feel like crap right now, and I'm thinking about her again.. thinking that if she was here, I wouldn't have drank so much and I'd be happy. The thought of christmas nearing crumbles me to pieces.. why am i so weak???

[Lanterna Magica]

I went out drinking with my friends last night, and drank more than usual. I feel like crap right now, and I'm thinking about her again.. thinking that if she was here, I wouldn't have drank so much and I'd be happy. The thought of christmas nearing crumbles me to pieces.. why am i so weak???

 

You are not weak, you are just hurting. It is very natural. Everyday I feel like crap for long periods of time because of my break up. I am so aware of it and know that it will take a fair amount of time before I am healed, but I am trying to get eye to eye with reality on this one.

 

The fact is the relationship is over, I tried to salvage it months ago. It didn't work. So despite pining and wanting things back to the golden days, I know that the desire is far out of sync with the reality of the situation.

 

Alcohol doesnt make anyone feel any better about things, it exasperates the pain in the long run.

 

See the fact is you did go out and drink too much.....not because she isn't here, but because you made the choice to do so. The only element of control you really have over this is yourself. You can choose to believe that this girl holds all the keys to your happiness, or you can choose to believe that you and you alone hold the key to your own happiness.

 

I subscribe to the latter - However lousy I feel now, ultimately the will to heal, be happy and confident enough to be open to the possibility of new love lies with me. Not my ex.

 

So stay strong Wayner and remember that you have the power to turn things around in your own life.

 

If the relationship can't be salvaged, leave it on the bottom of the ocean floor and swim to the shore!

[Lanterna Magica]

Hey Wayne-

 

Keep posting man, it's good to get your thoughts out of your system. Just keep on contacting us and not her!

 

I've experienced before everything you've talked about here, so you are not abnormal and you are not alone. I've experienced them several times and every time I've gotten better, better than I was before the relationship actually. The same will happen for you too.

 

I agree 100%

[dierberg]

Maybe by trying it back then you will not be trying it now or in the future, maybe that's what she could have taken from this!

[wayner427]

haha. I think i told her that too!

[wayner427]

I'm feeling so alone and frustrated. Sometimes I go a little crazy and just scream "I HATE YOU". I want the pain to end...

[wayner427]

oh man.. today I felt horrible.. even when having company. I went shopping with my friend.. and all the christmas songs at the mall and crowds just kept making me think of her. My friend knows about the whole thing, and she could totally tell that I was bummed out. Then later at night I went to a friend's gathering. I was kind of hoping there'd be some girls there, but there weren't many, and I got a little bored, then started feeling really really crappy again. I just keep wishing that my ex was there with me..

 

This is going to be a really tough weekend for me.. couple days ago I felt that I was getting better, but now I feel setback all over again..