5 year relationship ends suddenly?

[infaith]

Please take the time to read about my situation. Thank you so much...

 

My bf of 5 years went overseas for studies in Feb this year. We are both 24 years and our relationship all these years have been steady, strong and passionate. He came back home in July for his holidays. It was then he dropped the bomb – he wanted to break up. He seemed to be lost and confused. When he tried to give his "break-up speech" he seemed unsure of what to say. Through his stammers, he kept me asking if I had anything to say. Basically, he said he didn't like the long distance and found calling me a chore.

 

In June (a month before he came back), we talked on the phone and he mentioned that he needed some space to think and for us to cease contact until he came back to talk. He questioned why some of his fellow hostel mates seemed to be sure of their directions in life and he didn't. He also brought up that he was unsure where our relationship was going. When he was overseas, we did have arguments on why he didn't call often enough. I was hurt that he didn't make enough effort to keep in contact (perhaps I was demanding too much effort from him). We stopped contact for a week, then I called him to say I was hurt and confused by his sudden decision to spend time alone and stop contact. He said he was sorry and loved me and didn't want to lose me. We then resumed our contact and the relationship seemed to be back to normal.

 

Towards the end of June, we talked on the phone and he said we were not compatible. The relationship was stagnant and why do we argue more frequently compared to the early years in the relationship. He questioned why his love for me was not growing more and more. He said he tried to picture me in his life 10 years from now, but didn't see me in it.

 

I pleaded with him to come back with an open mind and try to work things out (although I didn't know what went wrong). He didn't see any point in trying as if it didn't work out in the end, it would be a waste of time. Obviously, when he returned, he already made up his mind. I asked him if there was another girl. He gave me an affirmative 'no'. I calmly accepted his decision (although I was heart broken…but crying and begging will just push him further).

 

3 weeks after he left, he wrote an email to see how I was doing and to update him on things back at home. As I decided to stop contact with him for at least a couple of months, I didn't reply. He must have been expecting me to reply as after a week of not receiving any reply from me, he fwd the same email to another of my email account. This time, I replied briefly. After this email, I would have a no-contact policy for the time being.

 

The break up has since been about a 1.5 months. He has since returned to school. I am still in a state of shock and am devastated. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming. Throughout the relationship, we both treated each other well. He had told me so many times how wonderful I was to him, how beautiful I was and how he just can't get enough of me. We discussed about kids and our future home. We were so sure we would be married. Do I love him still? Yes, the strong and mature love I have for him is still burning as brightly.

 

The reasons he gave for the break up seem to be inconsistent. Those he gave over the phone were different from the ones he told me face-to-face. I'm hoping that by giving him space, he would rethink his decision.

 

Please, can anyone share your insight on the situation? I am so lost and confused. What seem to lead to this break up? It is so sudden. Does being in a foreign country and gaining independance suddenly change you as a person?

 

I thank you in advance for any of your advice.

[AgainstAllOdds]

Hello,

Sorry to hear about that, it just pissed me off reading it. I think the guy is stupid, cause i would be glad to be with a girl for 5 years and then marry if we planned it. I Kinda feel your pain becuase you love him and how could he just leave you, but anyways yous toos dont talk at all now?

[kutekat100]

Hi,

I totally understand your pain. My boyfriend and I have just brken uup after three years. You seem so calm about the whole thing. What do you want to do, do you want him back? i am a complete mess! It seems so strange that he has split from you. My boyfriend was talking aout marriage and children and said he could never see being with anyone else but me. He has lost faith in me though coz we kept arguing. Any ideas how I can restore that faith? Why your bf split fro you is strange, but I have learnt that that is just men! They have more reason ad logic insde them than emotion and it is hard for them to be emotional. My bf tends to block out emotional things so as to risk not geting hurt. Did your bf get scared or is he fed up? I don't know what to say. Just thought i'd let u know i feel for you.

[slider]

"Does being in a foreign country and gaining independance suddenly change you as a person?"

 

Yes, it certainly does. I had a long distance relationship similar to yours and my gf and I were constantly arguing about the contact issue. It was a "chore" for her to call as well. The new location gives a person excitement - which also breeds opportunity. For my ex, being tied down to someone back home was a drag. She split up with me, to explore other romances since all contact with me were negative. In order for her to feel less guilty, she broke it off with me.

 

You are doing the right thing in not contacting him. The only thing you can do is to make the effort to move on without him being that your relationship is still "up in the air". If he does contact you again, let him know that you are trying to heal and move from all this and will not be contacting him in the future because of the pain it causes you. Let him know that "friends" is NOT an option, it's either all or nothing at all. Make it short and to the point. He will respect you for that. Any effort you put to hanging on to him will hurt you more through rejection and will push him away even further. Another option would be NO contact at all, including email. This would work better IMO, since that would make his imagination run wild and crazy wondering what you are doing.

 

The upside to this is that when he finally returns, you may be able to rebuild what you had if that is what you still want. You may, in the future, have already found someone else. Best wishes in your recovery. Stay strong.

[infaith]

thank you for your kinds words and empathy!

it really makes me feel better when u hear from people the understand your turmoil...

 

To PuppyDog13:

it's nice to know that someone is 'pissed' with my ex...

it really made me feel a bit better!...thank you!

i still can't understand how he could just drop me like that...5 years and he just walks away...

while he doesn't mind keeping in contact, i rather cut all ties at the moment till my hurt is gone...

 

 

To kutekat100:

it really pains me to hear that you are going through the same trial...

i understand the pain so i really hate it when i hear that another has to endure the same hurt...

i will write to you soon about how i am handling my situation...i hope it can help u...

in the meantime, surround yourself with good friends..talk to them about how you feel...con't to write in this forum too...

 

 

To slider:

i can't agree with you more about the no-contact rule...

it takes soooo much willpower to do this...but it seems to be the most effective way in helping oneself move on...

 

so sorry to hear that you had to go thru a similar situation...it sucks...

and i agree with u again about the excitment a new location brings...

at this point, i believe he was fasinated about the opportunities a new place brings and decided i didn't fit into the picture...

 

i'm just disappointed that my ex, whom i respected for the values he stood by, could succumb to the excitment of a new place and abandoned me like baggage...

it rips me apart that he could actually 'exchange' me for the temporary thrills of a new place...

seems such a weak character...