A little concerned

[Rabican]

Ok... long story short.

 

Last year we had some problems. My girl had some shady conversations, online, via phone etc. with some guy friends. We broke up. Got back together. Things have been good, Ive told her that the guys she used to talk to, are to be gone GONE GONE GONE from her life if were together. I dont want the drama, the disrespect etc. Id rather be single.

 

Recently I saw one of the guys phone # in her phone, she said he contacted her, she didnt talk to him and the # was there so that if he called... she would recognize it and ignore him.

 

Now, the other day she left her AIM on the computer. I sit down, 30 seconds later walla, one of the guys (i know his # and screen name) logged in. I didnt think much of it at first, and then he sends her a message. I almost blew up. Whats the chance, that the one time I see her AIM, he happens to randomly once in 10 months send her a message. ya know? So im figuring they are still talking... but I dont know for sure, I cant really prove it. Anyways I gave the guy a piece of my mind. He said he would not contact her again, and that he was just saying hi to a friend. I told him to take a hike, that he passed 'friend' long ago, and had no reason to be contacting her anymore. I then blocked him on her list. She was sitting there next to me the whole time I talked to him (a minute) and then she deleted 2 other names from her list, and then deleted his phone #.

Im not sure where to go with this from here. I love her, and everything seems peachy with our relationship. But this makes me wonder if she could be talking to these losers behind my back when she says she isnt.

(note, I have no problem with her talking to guys, however the guys in question have proven their inability to be a 'friend'. they are looking out for their manhood and thats about it)

[blindfold]

if they are really trying to hook up with your girl, you should be concerned, but not deal with it yourself, don't you think? if she doesn't want that (because that's what she probably feels), she should get rid of them herself... that's a weird situation, but instead of criticising the people in question (tough not to do, i know), try to tell her how uncomfortable and weird that makes you feel... she'll (hopefully) understand that her bf is more important than other men - i'm only saying this because you're NOT acting like a spoiled kid that wants all the attention to himself.

cheers hope it gets better

[Iceman26]

I understand where you are coming from and in a lot of posts you and I see eye to eye on a lot of things.

 

On this one however, you are directing your anger towards these guys, but you can't blame them. They are just being guys.

 

Your girlfriend was the one that failed to take appropriate measures to ensure that she wasn't in contact with these guys anymore. It would have been better if she had changed her screenname, changed her number, or done whatever is necessary to rid herself of these guys.

 

I am curious about something. When you guys got back together you told her that talking to these guys would be a dealbreaker for you, and apparently she agreed.

 

So if that is true, why did it take one of these guys contacting her to A) Delete the phone number from her cell phone (which can easily be retrieved and would personally mean nothing to me), and B) Delete these other fellows from the buddy list (again, that which can easily be retrieved).

 

It sounds like she is pulling your leg here a little bit. I am not saying she's cheating, but it sounds a little sketchy to me.

[caro33]

Hi Rabican,

 

If she was talking to these guys, even now, why do you think that might be? Could it be an ego thing, where she sees it as harmless (so what you don't know won't hurt you) but she likes it because it makes her feel good? Or do you think something more threatening might be going on?

 

Not that I think the more innocent sounding line is an excuse. If you have made this crystal clear in the past that it is a bit deal, and you guys resumed your relationship based on certain expectations, she should have enough of a grip on what's important to have stopped this behaviour.

 

But people make mistakes, sometimes they still choose not to 'get' what is really is stake, and they believe their own crap about how 'safe' their behaviour really is. It's then a matter of breaking through or giving up. Do you think she may have learned from the most recent experience? Sounds confronting to have had you there telling this guy off while she sat there. How did she behave while this happened? Was she sorry/angry/defensive/surprised?

 

What do you really think, what do your guts tell you about her motivations, the degree to which you can trust her, and whether you should stay or go?

[Rabican]

Let me clarify a few things. These guys are all FAR away... so no immediate threat. However last year one day I got on the computer and found some very disturbing sexual conversation between my girl and some guy. Needless to say I was enraged, especially considering we had just had a talk a few days before about her friends. I told her I didnt mind her talking to guys, so long as it was kept respectful, and mindful of me... ie no sex talk (i want you, if you were here i would do this etc.) exactly what ended up happening.

 

So, she has told me that she has broken contact with said guys, and told them not to call etc. I have seen nothing to make me think otherwise for about 10 months now since we got back together. However, she recently added one guys phone # into her phone. And the same guy, and one other guy were added into her aim list. Now theres only one way that gets there... by typing it in. She says she didnt realize it was there... that she doesnt chat online much and it must have just been there from before. The reason I told the guy what for, was so that there would be no mistaking my stance in the situation either by her or him.

I understand that its her job to put the brakes on the situation, but when confronted with the chance... I guess I couldnt pass up on saying something.

[Rabican]

I fully felt that I could trust her after we got back together... I still do, but its more like a 90% not 100% now. Ya know... whats the chance the one time Im there when she leaves her aim on... he sends her a message.

When I spoke to the guy, I was more or less respectful. I think that gets the point accross more than acting like a child. I did not swear, or chew him out, I just told him matter of factly that their friendship was over, and it should have been ever since last year when they crossed the line of just being 'friends'. And that I expected he would not try to contact her again. He said he would not... but I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him (and id like to toss him out a window).

My gf was ok during this, she just sat down next to me and put her arm around me and said that I didnt need to be upset about this, that it was nothing, she'd handle it etc. I said ok fine, but im handling it for right now.

[caro33]

Okay, so it sounds like you might be feeling a little less concerned now, is that right?

 

I guess this is a difficult one, maybe the only thing is to stay with the trust at 90%, not actively snoop, but keep an eye open nonetheless.

 

I would hope that even if she had kept up the contact with them/him every so often until now, that that last experience might have confirmed within her the need to cease the inappropriate contact.

[Rabican]

Okay, so it sounds like you might be feeling a little less concerned now, is that right?

 

I guess this is a difficult one, maybe the only thing is to stay with the trust at 90%, not actively snoop, but keep an eye open nonetheless.

 

I would hope that even if she had kept up the contact with them/him every so often until now, that that last experience might have confirmed within her the need to cease the inappropriate contact.

 

Im hoping so... before I knew in my gut that these guys were no good... but I tried to be the nice guy, and give her the benefit of the doubt, take her word for it etc. Now im just unbending on the issue, even a little contact now and then is a no no for me. Its pretty simple to me, tell the guy 'im sorry, but we crossed the line before, which was innapropriate and it would not be right for us to continue any sort of friendship so long as im with my man' End of story. So I guess you are right... keep that eye open but trust in her.

 

I just dont want to get burned again, especially when im investing so much of my time, money, heart etc. into this relationship. I pay all the bills, skip doing a lot of things that I like to do (fishing, all day football sundays etc... on and on) the only thing I really ask is to cut this crap out.

 

Ahhhh enough of me ranting.

[caro33]

What you are saying is fair enough really. I guess that risk is always there though, no matter what you do, it's just the nature of relationships and trust.

 

I know when stuff bugged me in the past with my partner it took me a while to get past trying to be nice and move into putting my foot down. I regret having done that now, I think that if I had been more direct about what was and wasn't acceptable I would have cleared the issue up much faster. And no, it turned out I had nothing to worry about.

 

Sounds like you're being sensible.