I'm the Third Party...

[loving_coca-cola]

First of all, I want to start off by saying that I am definitely not proud of what has happened, and that I do not think that I can be excused in any way. All I can say though, is that I just followed my heart, and that right now, I'm in pain. Although I may deserve it, I need some help...

 

I'm in my third year of university, studying abroad. Having a month left, this guy that I've been friends with (who has a girlfriend of 4 years -- and everyone in the program knew this) and I started getting even closer after dancing at a club with all of our friends (he came up to me). The next day, he would come over to me even though I was trying to be as far from him as possible. So we danced a little and talked a little. My friend later told me that he told her that he's never cheated before, but for some reason, I was different. After that day, we had a couple of movie nights together, and one night, he told me he was going to stay over. Nothing happened and we just cuddled. He came over a few times in the next couple of weeks, and nothing happened.

 

Then one day, we ended up making out. I asked him about his girlfriend before anything happened, and he said "Yeah, me and my girlfriend have been having problems. She likes me a lot, but I'm not happy with her. I just can't break up with her that easy because I'm practically married to her family." So after that, we started talking even more, and he would constantly bug me about the fact that I don't talk to him much in public (I was scared of being judged by everyone), and how me hugging other guys made him jealous, and so on. Even when he went on weekend trips, he would initiate the text messages, saying he missed me. The other day, we almost had sex. He stopped though. I don't know whether it was because he felt guilty, or because I was shaking and he thought I didn't want to.

 

He's been approached by many girls on this program, but has rejected all of them. My question is... what am I? Why is it me? And sadly, though I started this relationship knowing that we were going to go back home (our schools are about 8 hours drive apart) and he would be with his girlfriend (who went to the same high school, and now college), I've come to like him a lot. One thing that really confuses me is when I asked him why he was telling people we were hooking up. His answer was, "If we were hooking up, it would be one thing. But we're not of course." I don't know what his definition of hooking up is, or if he was just joking because he's a sarcastic kid, but I don't know... He will be leaving in 6 days... was I just used?

[blender]

Well first thing is to set some standards and values for YOURSELF. And remember he has a girlfriend and he is choosing to pursue you in a let's do it, let's not, kind of way, because he does not want to be responsible, to himself, to his girlfriend, or to you. He lacks the class and maturity to handle this properly, sarcastic kid or not, he's NOT worthy of any more of YOUR energy.

 

Remember if he'll "cheat with you, he'll eventually do it to you"... that is the truth. so although you are feeling hurt, or "used", it's okay, you've learned more about who this guy actually is, and even though your attracted, and you like him, it's NOT okay to be spending time with someone else guy.. KARMA...

 

Next time you see him, you can gain back your own self respect, and empowerment, by simply say something along the lines of:

 

"I made a mistake in getting involved with you, it wasn't my intention, and I don't feel right about keeping this "flirtation" going on, out of respect for myself and for your current girlfriend, so please understand "I" am not okay with you calling me as long as you are still in a committed relationship. You have not have the courage and respect to let your girlfriend know that you are NOT sure about her, no matter how involved you are with her family etc, this behavior or confiding in me about her, well it just doesn't feel right for me, I know I would never want a guy to treat a four year relationship with me this way, I don't think she deserves this dishonesty of us flirting around, and if you were my boyfriend, I would hope that you had the maturity to be respectful and honest with me, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear".

 

If you say something like the above, he will think "I've never met a girl with this much "class" and "self respect"... and it will make his head spin.. and YOU will feel so much better about yourself, and he might then have the decency to tell his girl he wants a "break" to think things through, and who knows some day if he's grows up enough to not be playing games with women's hearts, and he's gained some class and maturity, I'm sure the first girl he would want to call would be you..

 

Let us know how you think you'll handle it.. but protect your heart and try not to do things you wouldn't want someone to do with your boyfriend some day...

[Hope75]

Hi Girl,

 

Well, my first thought is that you know that this is wrong... so that's a step in the right direction.

 

My next feeling is- do you think you only deserve a guy who wants to mess around with you, but who isn't interested enough to commit to you?

 

And, what does your gut tell you about the character of a guy who lies and cheats on his gf? Is that someone who shows you that he treats his partner with respect and love? Is that someone whom, if he actually left his gf and was with you, would show you love and respect? I don't think so.

 

I know I'd keep my distance. I am worth more than leftovers from a taken guy-- and I suspect you are too.

[annie24]

*sigh* I have been in your shoes before, and you know what.... I wouldn't do it again. If I could do it over, I would have stayed away, and not gotten myself in the situation. I've also seen my friends in those situations, and they are so sad. there were a few downsides:

 

1) It was a waste of time. Months, years go by, and they still haven't ditched their bf or gf. They keep saying that they're unhappy, yet why don't they break up?!?!

 

2) During those months or years, you could be meeting someone single and into you.

 

3) When they finally DO break up with their gf or bf.... you aren't the one they run to. They then have just more excuses why they can't date you. school, stress, distance, family problems, blah blah blah.

 

So, in short. it's just a waste of time. I really wish I didn't get myself in that situation. I think I racked up some bad karma there. and I do feel bad for the gf. I know, however, in the future, I won't get myself into that, no matter HOW attracted I am to the guy. it's just a dead end road.

 

I would also say something along the lines of what blender suggested:

 

 

 

I think this is very good.