I'm finding out karma's a ****

[wheelie]

Have you ever had an ex who treated you badly, and you hoped that someone would come along and do to them what they did to you so they can find out how wrong it is?

 

Well, it happened to me. Except the previously-nasty person who is just now getting the karmic lesson is me!

 

Basically, my current bf is doing to me exactly as I did to my ex-bf, who took a lot of bad stuff from me and kept trying to love me. The ex and I had a 3-year, live-in rel, and I really hurt him and at the time I didn't get it or care at all. It isn't cheating or anything like that, just being unhappy and nasty on a day-to-day basis and blaming it on them instead of dealing with my own self.

 

That old rel. was about 10 years ago. I know where this ex-bf is (not in my area of the country, but we had an email exchange maybe 2 yrs ago) and lately I have been thinking about him every day. NOT trying to get back together (I'm still trying with this guy, plus I have no idea whether the ex and I were right for each other anyway). Just b/c I just have this huge urge to tell him I'm sorry, that I didn't understand what I was doing and I wish I had understood more things back then, and he deserved much better than he got from me. Not b/c he's going to forgive me or do anything, but just 'cuz I think he might like to know that.

 

If you were my ex-bf, would you want to hear that? Or would it just be annoying or confusing?

 

Or is there something better I should do with this guilt?

[Cloud802]

It's nice to tell him you're sorry about it, but don't make a big deal about it, justtell him you didn't know and you were ignorant, but don't drag it out, that'll only freak him out if you stay on it for an extended period of time.

[redandblack]

Hmmmm. Honestly, unless there was an intention of at least becoming real friends, I wouldn't want to receive an email like this from my ex. I would be disappointed in her if she just used me (once again) to unload her guilt with an email. I can see this being very confusing and weird if it came out of the blue, especially if it was just a few lines long (which I would read as insincere).

[Ellie2006]

Hey Wheelie,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation w. your bf right now

Re: the ex: may I ask who initiated the email contact 2 years ago and was it just a friendly "hello-how-are-you-doing" type of exchange?

Also, was there a reason why you guys lost touch since then?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if things are still friendly with the ex (though not frequent contact), you might want to send him an email, just saying, i've grown up, and now i know i treated you badly, and want to apologize, for what it's worth...

 

if you get a nice response back and want to share more info with him, then you could... just see how he responds before sending anything too long or detailed... the time lapse might be confusing to him and he may not be interested in what you have to say... or he might welcome re-opening a friendship with you...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, sometimes guilt is really an attack of wisdom, so you don't have to 'do' anything with it unless you feel it is something that he might appreciate...

 

personally, if i had someone treat me badly, i would think it nice if they apologized years later because they finally realized how jerky their behavior was, as long as it was a 'happy' contact, not too emotional or demanding or with expectations of 'forgiveness' attached...

[Ellie2006]

I agree w/ BeStrongBeHappy.

 

*If* you are still in friendly contact w/ your ex, IMO, you could send an apology letter (w/o including too much detail about your current situation).

 

I too think it would be nice to get a belated apology *IF* I was still in friendly contact w/ that person.

 

Now, if I have NOT been in contact w/ this person for a very long time, I think I might be confused to receive such an apology, and even though the sentiments might be appreciated, I might question the person's motive for sending such an email/letter ... (That could just be me, though ...)

 

If you do decide to reach out to your ex w/ this apology, I think you have to be prepared to receive no acknowledgement of your email/letter, if you have not been in contact w/ this person for a while ...

 

Good luck and best wishes to you ...

[blender]

If you choose to apologize first be sure regarding your "intention" in doing so, is for HIS good, and for him to understand, or are you doing this for yourself?

 

If you are doing it for you, then be sure it's for the right reasons, like you have learned so much since then and just want to make ammends and acknowledge his kindness and understanding at the time and that when you look back you just thought you should thank him and apologize, then leave it at that..

 

Just be careful that you are just feeling "needy" right now and want to dip into the self esteem bath of an old love... ya know what I mean? That would not be nice to do to the old ex... so it might just be nice to leave it be, learn from it, and move on.. good luck, let us know what you decide to do..

[silentalways]

hi all,

once again i agree with bends and e's regarding sending a message. i think that keeping it simple [apology, understand the hurt u caused, no excuses just responsibility, lessons learned and taken care] and keep that all brief, with asking for anything but leaving the door upon for them to contact u should they want to is all that should be said/written. and most importantly if it has been a long time since u talked or any reply probably better off to not send. personally, i sent my 'apologies' a while back and have not received any reply so i understand what that means - and, even though i just finished a painting i was going to give if i had heard anything, i now know that making any attempt to give or contact would be wrong and not appreciated so for now it stays in the studio.

my 2 cents

[wheelie]

Thank you, you guys are all so helpful and sweet! You raise good points.

 

Thanks for the reminders to keep it short and simple.

I am pretty sure I am not just looking for a self-esteem boost, but I really don't know if it would benefit him or not. We had a really deep connection -- started a business together, which was almost like having a kid -- so I guess I was thinking he'd rather be on good terms with me than not, but I really don't know.

 

Ellie2006: We were back in contact b/c I was attending a conference in his town and he saw my name on the presenters list and got in touch with me (we are in the same line of work). We had lunch, then a few months of friendly emailing back and forth and then we tried to work together on a project but it fell through and I got busy with other things and didn't follow up and he got another job somewhere else. So it's actually my fault we lost touch again.

 

Maybe I'll try writing out what I'd want to say, and if it doesn't look like something that would be a nice, simple thing to receive, I won't send it.

[canuckhead]

in some circumstances...i think apologizing would be good (such as if u guys r still good friends)...in that case, u can just bring it up as u guys r hanging out or something...or chatting on aim. but if u guys haven't really stayed in touch...and if u really did hurt him and treated him pretty bad...i'm pretty sure he wouldn't want any memories of that past anymore...and apologizing to him now after all this time will just bring back memories he doesn't want. and trust me, its not gonna do him anything. in that case, what's accomplished in the end? nothing but making urself feel better (which is selfish). an ex-ex of mine treated me pretty bad after the breakup after being together for 3+ years...basically treating me like i never even existed. that ended a couple years ago...and if she's starting to feel guilty now, i sure as hell don't want to hear any apologies from her...not anymore anyways.

[redandblack]

You should post whatever you are thinking about sending him (if you still decide to do that). I'll read it and I'm sure others will, too.