flyer Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Hi all, been a while since I posted but I just have a bit of an issue I need some thoughts on. My BF and I broke up about 3 months ago and we have recently decided to try again and take things slowely for a while and see how thing go, things have been going fantastic! We had been together 5 years before that so know each other pretty well, and we shared alot of firsts together! However my BF wants to go out this weekend to a friends birthday of his who is also a girl, I don't know her. A few of the girls he had casually dated while we were broken up will also be there and of course some of his blokey mates! He doesn't want me to go because of the fact that he would feel uncomfortable with the whole situation. He says he would trust me in the same situation and I know I can trust him. Personally I dont want to go either because of these girls etc! But do you think it sounds fair, I know it is a trust exercise (I mean he did break up with me in the first place) I am still a little insecure about 'us' still as it will take a while for things to mend. Just after some thoughts... Thanks for listening Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I think you should be able to go and I think he should ask you to go. And I also think that the fact that he doesn't want you to go b/c you would feel uncomfortable is BS. That's all the more reason for him to take you if he is wanting to work things out with you and keep these other women as friends. Link to comment
Jayar Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I guess this insecurity is one of those challenges with getting back together. Personally, speaking for myself, it would worry me that not only did he not invite me, he basically told me I am not welcome to go. I want to say trust him, but the truth is there's a BIG difference between him inviting you and you declining or him neither inviting you nor disallowing you from coming, and him telling you that you are not welcome. Will he cheat? Maybe, maybe not. Probably not. But that would matter less to me than the fact that my boyfriend said I couldn't come even if I wanted to. Link to comment
Survictor Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 He wants to behave like a single man and you will cramp his style. That isn't to say that he will cheat, but the option to and the flirting is thrilling all the same! I wouldn't be happy about it, but neither would I want to spoil his fun with his friends. I mean, would you want him coming with you whilst you went out on a girl's night out? Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 He wants to behave like a single man and you will cramp his style. That isn't to say that he will cheat, but the option to and the flirting is thrilling all the same! I wouldn't be happy about it, but neither would I want to spoil his fun with his friends. I mean, would you want him coming with you whilst you went out on a girl's night out? Yeah, but THESE friends are female. Totally different story then "guys night out" Link to comment
Survictor Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 yes, but there will be his blokey mates there. The birthday party is his ex's right? I still say he may just want to have a laugh out with the lads and not play b/f to g/f. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat. My husband is quite reserved, whilst I am not! lol. When I am with him though, out of respect and because of the places we go to, I am more sedate. ha ha. He does know I might act crazy regardless though! Just because I want to chat with lots of people, have my ego flattered maybe, dance wildly or whatever does not mean I want to slope off... just the opposite! If it was my husband that wanted to go to an ex's party...... not without me, sonny! We are all different though and we should respect that. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 If it was my husband that wanted to go to an ex's party...... not without me, sonny! We are all different though and we should respect that. I agree! Mine wouldn't be goin without me either! Link to comment
flyer Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 Thanks everyone for your replies. I really want to make things work between us. So I was hoping you guys could sort of point me in the right direction now as to how I can go about dealing with this. After reading everyone's replies I am determined that I do and should go with him now.. Also by all means he should have asked me to go in the first place... Thanks.. Link to comment
Scout Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 It really just depends. If you two are taking things slowly, it doesn't seem you're officially back together. Or if you are back together, you're not on solid ground yet. It's still gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride. So this changes the situation a bit. Bottom line, I think your boyfriend loves you, but made some friends while you were apart, and he'd probably like to see them. It might be uncomfortable if he takes you, especially if he dumped one of these girls to get back with you. In my opinion, if you have no reason to believe he would hook up with one of them, best to just let this one slide. Don't make a fuss, do something else instead that night with your own friends. Be cool about this, and I bet he'll actually end up wanting to leave the party early and see what you're up to. Or will call you first thing the next day. The more you two get on solid ground, the less he'll care about being with you in front of his new friends. He probably just wants to make sure you two are going to really make it this time before throwing all caution to the wind and announcing to the world, "We're back together!" Link to comment
Scout Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Although I just looked back at some of your previous threads...and I have to say, he hooked up with people VERY fast after you two broke up. Did he treat you well in the relationship? Did you feel like you had to accommodate him a lot? If the answer is "yes" to my first question, and "no" to the second, then maybe my original advice still stands. But I'm just hoping for your sake that he's serious about a reconcilation and has gotten the need to be with other women out of his system for good. Otherwise, you're going to get hurt. Link to comment
Jayar Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 After reading everyone's replies I am determined that I do and should go with him now.. Also by all means he should have asked me to go in the first place... Be careful with this... You're his girlfriend, not his mother. Your job isn't to babysit him. The smartest girls who experience the least heartbreak do very little controlling, and a LOT of listening. Rather than inviting yourself, and going to supervise, I'd personally use the information you were given by his action (not inviting you, not wanting you to come, combined with past actions) to determine whether this is a relationship you really want to be in. You may really want to make it work, it just might not be the one for you. Again, LISTEN don't CONTROL. Rather than supervising him decide how his actions have made you feel and make your life choices from there. JMO. Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Thanks Scout.. We are still living apart etc, so not officially back together, but we did have the 'talk' last week that we will no see other people from then on, and he assured me that he is not going to go out and be 'unfaithful' to me. He still wants to go out and party for a while, I can understand that, but I told him as long as I can tag along also. I have to believe him and I do. But this thing this weekend is totally different, I am upset that I wasn't asked.. When I did ask 'am I invited' he just came straight out with 'no', but in a non serious way? I know things are going to be bumpy for us getting things back on track, they were going so well the last few weeks, this has seemed to have stuffed things up a bit..! Link to comment
Scout Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Ok, girl...let's get something straight from the get go...you don't need to ask ANYONE if you can "tag along" with them!!! I don't care how much you love this guy, don't sell yourself and your company short like that. Now, having given your situation more thought...I don't like it. This is not the same thing as hanging out with his boys. He doesn't want you to go to this party because of the girls that will be there, and now that I really think about this, this is not a conducive attitude to have if he is serious about a successful reconcilation and a stronger relationship based on trust. I think you need to tell him how this is honestly raising some red flags with you about much he's really gotten the urge to be with other women out of his system. And that knowing your feelings on this matter, it's his choice what he decides to do, of course...but this isn't making you happy. At all. Link to comment
Jayar Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Ok, girl...let's get something straight from the get go...you don't need to ask ANYONE if you can "tag along" with them!!! I don't care how much you love this guy, don't sell yourself and your company short like that. Exactly! If there's one thing you should learn ASAP (for your own benefit) it's that another person can do whatever they want... The only thing that's up to YOU is whether you stay with them while they do it. This is not about "he should have asked me so I'm telling him I'm going" it should be about "he should have asked me, since he didn't I don't like what that SAYS about him, thereforeeee he can go to the party alone... And single." Like Scout said, don't sell yourself short. You don't need to settle for someone you have to supervise. Same goes for you michelleth, for some reason I REALLY feel a connection with you and I hate that you too sell yourself short with your BF... But that's another thread I guess. Link to comment
Cat87 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 How would he feel if the tables were turned? If you were going out with the girls and an ex boyfriend and by the way, he wasn't invited?? Even if there is nothing to the date with the ex, it shows a lack of concern or understanding for your feelings. I have found with the men in my life, that allowing in appropriate behavior only invites more inappropriate behavior in the future. In some ways men are like toddlers, they will test you to see how far they can push you. If the relationship is going to go anywhere, it has to be respectful to both people's feelings. Hope things work out for you. Link to comment
caro33 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 It does sound that he is not 100% committed to making things work with you at this stage, and so is wanting to project himself as single at this event. Now maybe that's still innocent (he's protecting himself), maybe it's not. Your reconciliation may be so fresh that he's just unsure about what will happen and he thinks it's too fragile to risk. By that I mean, perhaps one or more of these girls will come over to talk to you and him, and he is nervous someone will get their nose out of joint. I agree that if he was 100% committed to a future with you right now he would have invited you even though it would be awkward. In fact, the way I would have dealt with this if I was him would be to just not go. There will always be more social occasions in the future, and perhaps you and he will be in a better position to deal with them then. Your relationship seems a little fragile at the moment to jeopardise in any way over something like this. However, having said that, you can't really suggest he not go if he hasn't had this thought. If you did this it would look controlling and would also be dangerous for the relationship. I had something like this happen to me years ago with the ex, and to this day I wonder what happened at the event, and why I wasn't welcome. You do need to find a way to resolve this or it might eat away. It is a tricky chicken and egg thing isn't it - if you don't smile and say 'have a nice time' you can be accused of not building trust, but if he goes and doesn't invite you it doesn't exactly help the trust at your end. But advice about how to deal? Errr....I would probably talk to him again about it and gently ask why he wouldn't want me there. I would let him know how important not being left out at this fragile relationship time meant to me. I would acknowledge that it would be awkward, but that he had nothing to worry about from me, and that I would not put him in a difficult situation. And the others are right, try not to downplay the value of your own company! I think this is just a careful negotiation, and that given the relationship is fragile, you might need to take what he says at face value. You might also want to consider having him go but suggesting you catch up afterward, so he gets a few hours but then he's yours. Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Thankyou everyone for your thoughts on all of this. I have had a thinka bout it all and actually saw a close friend of mine in town at lunch and she said 'it will be all fine', which made me think ok, perhaps its not that bad afterall in some ways! I have thought about a bit today and I am going to send him a text along the lines that our relationship is too fragile at the moment, pushing that kind of thing this early in our reconcilitation is a risk and I don't feel comfortable with it, I do not want to cause any fights I want to be adult about it all and work through these little glitches, if we start with working on these things now it will a good bases for future glitches and how we deal with them. I would be happy for him to go and as Caro suggested, and that we meet up afterwards. I know for sure if that happened, it would be so much peace of mind for me.. Link to comment
caro33 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 That's a long text! Good luck, and I hope you can find a compromise you're both comfortable with. I guess give him every chance to step up to the plate and demonstrate he's serious, but take note if you start to receive messages he's not. Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 We are texting at the moment. He says he does see it from my point of view. But he also wants me to see it from his also. I said to him that I would like to come along, and if not that he spends a few hours there and then we catch up later on. No response as yet. But I am a little more comfortable with it so far.. I dont mind if he go's, I just need that peace of mind as this is a big trust test and I know he wants me to trust him and I really want too also - I have had trust issues in the past, especially up until we broke up. He trusts me 100%, but why cant I seem to get over that little barrier, yes its early days but I do love him very much and I really, really want to make it work for us.. Link to comment
silentalways Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 it sounds like u are not a couple, am i right? maybe u can explain why there is a trust issue? if my ex wanted to go somewhere, i am not sure why that would be any of my business? now, if u are both talking about gettingt back together and this is like a first meeting again, well, make sure both of u make each other feel safe, trusted and comfortable. less serious thought, more kewl relaxed behaviour should make it work ok. good luck. Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hi Silent. We are sort of together, even though he hasn't moved back in or anything as yet.. Had the chat about not seeing anyone else, etc. I haven't given him my heart back or anything like that, we are just going along steadily to make sure we both want the same things.. Yeah I possibly should be a bit more relaxed about it all, but being a sensitive girl who doesn't want to get hurt again, I am trying to be rational about it all and learn to be 'cool' and accept his decision. Its a trust exercise and I just have to trust him, thats all it comes down too.. Link to comment
caro33 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Hi Silent. We are sort of together, even though he hasn't moved back in or anything as yet.. Had the chat about not seeing anyone else, etc. I haven't given him my heart back or anything like that, we are just going along steadily to make sure we both want the same things.. Yeah I possibly should be a bit more relaxed about it all, but being a sensitive girl who doesn't want to get hurt again, I am trying to be rational about it all and learn to be 'cool' and accept his decision. Its a trust exercise and I just have to trust him, thats all it comes down too.. Sounds good so far; I also think it will all be fine. Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Thanks Caro.. He hasn't responded as yet to my little 'Ultimatum’, so im guessing he is busy. So I just sent a text for him to call or come and see me after work. Hmmmm. Actually a friend of mine (male) just emailed asked me to go for drinks tonight, I may even go, just to keep my mind off things! Link to comment
caro33 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well, why not (as long as looks harmless)! Have fun and try not to worry, nothing for you to do now but see how things go. Good to see someone else who shares this timezone! Link to comment
flyer Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yes it is good that there are a few of us sharing this timezone! Anyway, spoke to the SO a little while ago. I asked him if he wanted to come for drinks and he said he couldn't as he is booked in for dinner with his other friends, which I totally understand. However he said he will message me once they have all finished dinner so I can go out with them afterward! Ahhhh, relief that has made my day... I didn't pressure him, he came out with that suggestion, so im happy that he has realised my feelings and is willing to make some kind of effort to include me.. much happier girl now! I really think I do read into some things too much at times, but yes it is early days for us still, so I guess its natural Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now