Is it possible for a married couple to ever get over an affair?

[Dako]

Thanks.

--------

[Corvette]

I'm not sure of the gender ratio. However we've had many posts on here from both men and women who cheat and they have tended to end up like this.

 

It's a sensitive topic. Since this is a relationship forum, people often come here with their own set of sensitivities and you will likely have many members who have been cheated on themselves and may become upset by this topic. We all have our own biases and experiences we bring with us.

 

I hope you don't let it discourage you from seeking further help/advice.

 

Anyways, back to your topic. I would like liek to know what you think the counseling failed the first time. What did you think of the counselor? Were you and your wife both open to the recommendations made?

 

BellaDonna

 

 

We started out focuesed on the affair, and we never seemed to get past the pain of this subject. It was almost like there was no way to progress past the past.

[Beec]

OK Corvette, is it possible, I think and hope so. But I also think that her comments are not about the affair. Her comments are about using it as a weapon to get her way. She brings it out in arguments and beats you with it, for what purpose? To win. This is a very common thing for a woman to do, i.e. reach into the past and female thing to do

 

So, how do you deal with that? Well, you can choose a few different tactics. You can pick something she has done in the past and begin to do the samething to her, and to some extent, I would do it. Before I did that, I would be resolved to not ever again let this tactic, this bringing up of something I have apologized for ever win an argument for her again. And next time she did it, she would calmly but firmly here that come out of my mouth. And the second time she did it, there would be the same thing, but a little more anger. The third time, I would let her know there was much anger.

 

You also need to make sure there are not anymore incidents, and that there have not been anymore for a while.

[Corvette]

She really has not had any major incidents I could bring up from the past to use, all I can say is that has nothing to do with the current argument.

[Beec]

OK, but the major point is what she is doing and why.

 

If it does not control you, she'll stop.

 

I would also tell you that before I really decided to fight this out with her, I'd probably try to make sure she was very seduced by me, and that is something you may need to learn how to do.

[Corvette]

OK, but the major point is what she is doing and why.

 

If it does not control you, she'll stop.

 

 

She just brings this up any time she feels like I am making a point in an argument; it is the Ultimate trump card.

[rose2summer]

Hey Corvette-

 

It seems like the trust was damaged, so that's where you want to work.

 

Apologizing or trying to forget the past isn't really the best approach in my opinion.

 

She may feel insecure based on what happened, and uses the past as a bullet to make her points, because it will make you feel guilty.

 

That is going to make the relationship plummet sooner or later.

 

So what I think is important is to discuss how she feels about what happened, lay it out in the open and how it broke her trust.

 

I almost feel like the root of her fears was not dealt with.

 

Does she openly say why it really hurt her? I mean infidelity doesn't just mean cheating, it's dealing with the emotions involved.

 

I think really comforting her fears could go along way.

 

I am just trying to look at it from your perspective and hers.

 

During which fights exactly does she bring it up? Can you actually give a specific example. I know you said when you discuss kids, but what exactly. I think if we understand her psychology, we can give better advice.

 

And you really seem to want to improve and work things out, and I commend you for that.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Beec]

She just brings this up any time she feels like I am making a point in an argument; it is the Ultimate trump card.

 

 

I just modified my prior post. I suggested that any fight with your wife over this should happen only after you have really seduced her, i.e. addressed most of her emotional needs.

 

As to your comments, the thing is if it is a trump card, it's because you give it that power and she expects it to have that power. You wife uses her hurt from the affair to control you. You let it happen. People cannot control us without us letting it happen, unless they use physical force.

[rose2summer]

I have done the exact same thing in my past relationship and I can see why his wife does it.

 

When my ex was always flirting with other women, everytime we had an argument, I would through it in his face.

 

Then he would just say he had to go and get off the phone when I was really mad or upset.

 

It destroyed our relationship because nothing ever got resolved and I got so disgusted with it after awhile.

 

I think communication and explaining why things bother us is so important for that reason.

[gattsuga]

She was obviously devastated by what you did. I'm surprised you two stayed together when you initially had the affair at 25 years of age. She obviously cares about this relationship, or else why would she stay? Did you have kids 7 years ago?

 

I think you two need to sit down and have a long chat. From what you say, your wife just can't get over the fact you cheated on her. is there any love left in your relationship? Or is the only reason you're staying together the kids? If you two want to have any sort of romance/love, she's going to have to stop mentioning the affair every chance she gets. It's become so easy for her to mention it, cuz once she does, she usually wins the argument right? Tell her if she wants to have any kind of happy relationship between the two of you, she needs to stop mentioning it all the time. I mean 7 years is a LONG time... I think she's only mentioning it all the time because

1) she despises you, and has not forgiven you yet

2) she uses it to win her arguments

3) she's really hurt, and it's something that bothers her every day of her life.

[Corvette]

If I ever complain about a lack of intimicey etc. she will bring it up. Also if I point out and of her anger problems she will also bring this up as well.

[rose2summer]

Ok, now we are getting somewhere, to the root of the problem.

 

Here's my thoughts if I try to put myself in her shoes:

 

She feels that she is not up to par with the "other woman" and that's why she is upset about lack of intimacy. She might feel that you don't feel as sexually aroused by her as you did to the "other woman" and that's why there is a lack of intimacy.

 

I would think your first step is to really show her you are attracted to her.

 

Lots of kisses, hugs, play with her hair, back rubs, YOU initiate sex, be sure to pleasure her, see if that works.

 

She just need to know she is #1 and YOU want her, I think that may curb a great deal of her frustrations.

[agent1607307371]

She most likely feels that you have no right to any of those things or to point them out. From her pov you have commited the ultimate sin, and the feelings that it brought out in her most likely sit very near to the surface all the time.

 

That she bring it up, shows that she is very angry with you, so angry that she can't let herself heal. You both need to get councelling. Keep trying until you find someone you can work with, if you can't a break up would probably be for the best.

[rose2summer]

Well the lack of intimacy is the result of a lack of trust.

 

So if he can show he really loves her by nice gestures, I think it helps so much.

 

The best lovers in my opinion are the ones who are loving out of bed, kisses, hugs, holding, playing with hair, touching, back rubs, etc.

[Corvette]

Ok, now we are getting somewhere, to the root of the problem.

 

Here's my thoughts if I try to put myself in her shoes:

 

She feels that she is not up to par with the "other woman" and that's why she is upset about lack of intimacy. She might feel that you don't feel as sexually aroused by her as you did to the "other woman" and that's why there is a lack of intimacy.

 

I would think your first step is to really show her you are attracted to her.

 

Lots of kisses, hugs, play with her hair, back rubs, YOU initiate sex, be sure to pleasure her, see if that works.

She just need to know she is #1 and YOU want her, I think that may curb a great deal of her frustrations.

 

 

I initiate sex 98% of the time? She is ten times better looking that the other woman, and she knows it.

[rose2summer]

Have you tried the other suggestions I brought up, like the hugs, kisses, etc, outside the bedroom, being very affectionate?

[rose2summer]

Well, even if she is better looking than the other woman, she might not feel that way deep down.

 

The key is to quench her desire for affection outside the bedroom so you get more intimacy in the bedroom.

[Corvette]

Have you tried the other suggestions I brought up, like the hugs, kisses, etc, outside the bedroom, being very affectionate?

 

I have taken her on Romantic vacations etc. I always make sure she cums and give her oral etc.

 

It is just hard for her to forget about this other woman.....

[BellaDonna]

It is just hard for her to forget about this other woman

 

What was the nature of the affair? Did it go on for a long time? Who was it- a mutual friend, coworker, stranger, online person?

 

Those kind of things all impact the level of anger & forgivness process.

 

Example Drunken one-night stand, although terrible, might be more "forgivable" than an affair that lasted for months or years (lying and deceiving for much longer), and involved emotion.

 

BellaDonna

[Corvette]

What was the nature of the affair? Did it go on for a long time? Who was it- a mutual friend, coworker, stranger, online person?

 

Those kind of things all impact the level of anger & forgivness process.

 

Example Drunken one-night stand, although terrible, might be more "forgivable" than an affair that lasted for months or years (lying and deceiving for much longer), and involved emotion.

 

BellaDonna

 

 

It lasted eight months, coworker. She still calls me every now and then.

[gattsuga]

Hmm... does your wife know she calls you? Is she okay with that? I find it really strange why you're still in contact with her... Didn't your wife tell you to never contact her again?

[BellaDonna]

She still calls me every now and then.

 

Okay, well that's a major part of your current problem. It's definitely not going to help the situation with your wife.

 

What is the point of still having contact with her?

 

The affair is still not resolved- yes it's 7 years later, but if she's still calling now and then no wonder your wife is still stuck on this. If there's any contact with the other woman (even if your wife does not blatantly know about the contact - she may sense it) & this situation will never get better

 

BellaDonna

[happyascanbe]

My in-laws had affairs- she had one after 7 yrs of marriage and then eh fell in love (never had sex with her believe it or not) and when he told her he was leaving her to marry this other woman she told him he could go but he could not take one of the 3 kids like he wanted to. So he stayed. Well that was 24 yrs ago. She dose not know I know all of this eh told me but she will say things like “we have been thru a lot and you just have to learn to forgive…and yet I see the un-forgiveness on her part… I have talked to him and he is over it but she is not… she will not bring it up but they fight all the time and I would not call it a happy marriage. I think it is possible but you both have to really want to fix it… she needs to get into counseling. And you both need to work on your respect for each other that is always lost when an affair happens.

and you should NEVER talk to this woman agian.

Good luck

[agent1607307371]

Get her to stop. If she doesn't, change your number.

 

Does your wife know she still calls? If she does, every call will be her mind replaying the affair and making her think that it is still continuing.

[Corvette]

Hmm... does your wife know she calls you? Is she okay with that? I find it really strange why you're still in contact with her... Didn't your wife tell you to never contact her again?

She does know that she calls, when ever this happens she will get upset at me even though I have no control over when she calls.