I am so stupid

[crushedinIndy]

I have been married for 26 years. The last few months my wife has been distant and staying out late at least one night a week. I knew our marriage was having problems but thought she was going thru her mid-life crisis and would snap out of it.

 

After much prodding, she finally admitted she has been having a relationship with a Sales Rep that calls on her company and has been meeting guys from internet chat rooms and sleeping with them.

 

I am crushed; I never knew I could feel such pain. The woman that I have loved and trusted for so long is not the person I thought I knew. The grief is terrible, I loved her so much and would have done anything for her.

 

It has been a roller coaster of emotions. She moved out last week, I do not know where to go from here.

[Dako]

Crushed

 

I'm so sorry. After all those years, you must be in physical shock.

Over time you must've made adjustments for all sorts of changes and assumed this was just another bend in the road.

 

Right now you need to take care of basic needs like nutrition and safety.

You have to eat, sleep and drink water, and I'd suspect you're in poor shape for driving, decisions or planning. Booze is absolute poison right now.

 

Lean on friends and family and don't feel you have to solve anything. It'll take you a long time to recover from this, so don't beat yourself up.

 

My wife suddenly left me after 27 years together, and 14 months later, life is returning to a new and different routine.

 

Time will heal you from this deep pain.

Take it one hour, one day or a week at a time.

[Beec]

I do not know if I can give you better advice than Dako. Over the past year, I've read many of his posts advising others, and I know that he has faced similar difficulties.

 

Right now, you need to take care of you. For a while, it may help you to keep yourself very busy to keep you mind off of this, as much as that is possible. Also, you would be well advised to minimize your contact with her.

 

Welcome to enotalone. Please stick around the forum.

 

Hang in there.

[jackknive]

I am sorry about everything that has happened I know how hard it is to be cheated on, and I can't imagine if I was married and it happened.

 

Where do you go from there? Its not easy and it hurts. Heartbreak is one of the cruelest emotions a human can feel. You cry till you have no more tears. Then when you can't cry one more tear, pick yourself up and relise this wasn't your fault. No matter what you did in the relationship or what you didn't do... instead of working to repair your marriage together, she betrayed your trust. Learn from it. Grow character from it. Pain hurts. It leaves its mark on us. But its up to us if that mark will be a painful wound, a scar, or a proof of growth and a reminder of life.

 

The only thing I can say other than that is in the future, you will love again. You will be loved again. You were hurt, and you learn from those mistakes yes, but don't let this burn follow you into other relationships and sow seeds of mistrust. Take the lesson, but in the future, I know from experiance, its going to be hard to trust someone you will love because of fear from the past, but take each one as something completely different, which it is, and try not to let this hurt eclipse future loves.

 

I'm sorry your hurting right now, but remember in the midst of pain... if we didn't experiance sorrow, the joys of life would become ordanary and not near so sweet. The pain makes us grow, it adds character. Please message me if you need someone to talk with, vent, or just a shoulder to lean on.

 

Hang in there

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.I am so sorry to hear about this.

 

Unfortunately it sounds all to familiar to me.

 

My mother began behaving this way around the same exact age and did the same kind of thing to my father that your wife did to you. My parents were also married for 26 years. They were high school sweethearts, got married, had 3 kids, etc. The marriage was never perfect but my mother's radical behavior shocked us all. She was always a good wife and mother- yet suddenly ( and seemingly out of nowhere) she LOST it.

 

So I'll tell you what I told my own father: You do not deserve to be treated this way no matter how much history you had with her. What is going on with her head probably has nothing to do with you, but is the result of deep personal problems or mental illness.

 

I know in the case of my mother, it turned out that she had been sexually abused by an uncle as a child. (Thats still no excuse for her bad behavior but it sheds light on it a little). This is not your fault.

 

I promise you that you will be able to move on with time. In the long run you're better off by yourself right now then being treated like that. I know your wife is all you've known and lived for all these years- but there is hope for you to have a happy life without her. It has been 2 years since this happened in my family and my father is much, much better. He is dating someone else and has moved on from the hurt.

 

I don't know why people act like this. They are looking for some kind of false happiness or love in all the wrong places. I think in the case of my mother, she wanted sexual attention from men because she has very low-self-esteem. She also seemed to be re-living teenage years she may have "missed out" on, having met my dad so young. She acts like a teen in her late 40's.

 

My best advice to you would be, no matter how hard it is- press on. Try to spend a lot of time with family and friends for support. Stay occupied, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy trying to find answers and reasons. Sometimes, there is no reason. A person just loses their mind & all their logic and makes a lot of rotton mistakes. Don't join her in that realm.

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

Sorry if this seems sexist, but I've seen a few women undergo behavioral changes from menopause or hormone therapy, sometimes with dramatic results.

[crushedinIndy]

I would like to thank everyone that responded, your comments do help. I have had so many emotions the last 11 days; anger, sadness, regret, sorrow, pity, and more anger. I have never cried so hard in my 48 years of life. I think this hurts more than if she had passed away.

 

I know this was partly my fault because I did not tell her or show her how much I loved her. I want to beg her to come back but I do not know how I can live with the betrayal. I keep praying that this is a nightmare that I will wake up from, but the nightmare is when I do wake up. It is the first thing I think about and continues all day until I can finally go to sleep. I had a dream last night that I was introducing her to someone as my wife and then I woke up, I just went numb.

 

She tells me she still loves me but how can a person that loves someone totally destroy them. Why couldn’t she come to me first before she started all this?

[kermit]

Not that you are ready to look at the bright side right now but:

 

If your marriage was almost over, and you imply that it was, then you are the good guy, and although you are hurt, you can eventually move on with your head held high.

 

Your wife on the other hand, is the bad guy who will feel guilty for years to come. I was the bad guy in my marriage, I hurt my wife and I feel awful. Far worse than she knows.

 

You don't say if the marriage is over, because her moving out doesn't mean that it is. She could be considering coming back?

[Dako]

Crushed,

I understand what kind of journey you're on.

If I can be of help, PM me.

I had help, too.

[crushedinIndy]

Has anyone heard of or participated in a support group called DivoreCare? I am interested in your thoughts if it is helpful or not.

 

Day 13 since I found out and I am still in great pain. I took a half day vacation and just huddled up in a ball on the couch this morning, then had my first attorney visit. I am looking forward to the day when this is not the only thing I think of all day. I am looking forward to the day when I can close my eyes and go to sleep and not think about the life I had.

[Dako]

Crushed,

 

I haven't heard of it.

I got lots of help from folks here after I went throught the first month of sobbing, talking to myself and flailing on the floor. I avoided my friends for a while because of my physical state. Nothing anyone told me made a dent in my despair. It was the worst pain I ever had, feeling like a hot spear through my chest.

 

I think you need time right now, and there's no quick fix.

It's exhausting and seems endlessly bleak, yet each day you endure will bring you closer to this making some kind of sense.

 

You'll see reference to this being an emotional rollercoaster, because in time you'll feel yourself recover a bit, then dip back into pain, and gradually the highs and lows will stop. You'll get off this hellish ride as a different person. In my case I think it was an improvement.

 

You need to hunker down and endure the first month and let time pass.

I would go walking until my feet hurt, and smoked cigars every day.

Whatever works to pass the time, but to me, being outdoors or moving seemed best.

 

I really feel for you.

[crushedinIndy]

When the pain subsides, will I ever be able to trust someone again? I dread the thought of going through life not being able to trust. What kind of future can I have with someone if I have no trust or faith?

[Beec]

You'll probably be able to trust, but you may make someone jump through more hoops, and you will look for someone different.

[Dako]

When I was hurting, I trusted no one. Even old friends were suspect, and even traffic lights seemed to mislead me. No kidding.

 

You just had the Earth shift under your feet, and everything you'd believed for half your life seems a lie. I understand how that robs you of trust. It was one of the worst parts, but I regained it in time.

 

Friends that help you deal with this will appear, and you'll value them even more.

After going through this, you'll trust again.

[crushedinIndy]

What adds to all this pain is that not only did I lose my wife, I have lost my best friend. I miss talking to her.

[BellaDonna]

crushedinIndy,

 

How are things going? This is a difficult time of year to have this going on, with the holidays and all.....

 

How are you doing?

 

BellaDonna

[Vynde]

WoW Crush,

 

I cant even begin to tell you how sorry I am. The pain conumes you. I know. It feel at times to be to much. Just reading your story is hurting me.

 

Dako and the others gave some great advice. Your at a stage right now where your goals are basic. Drinking water, eating a little bit. The very basics. Those are hard enough.

 

I can tell you only from going through - This shock, that has rocked your body in everyway possible will pass. I know it means nothing to even say those words - but keep it in the back of your mind for now.

 

My wife of one year left me over 2 months ago, fo another guy. The pain is horrid! 30 days later, here I am, still very much hurt, but most importantly, Im doing "Better" and realize that I will be "OK". Something I wasnt able to do at the start.

 

Take it slow, lean on poeple (important) Keep busy, and set goals to do the basic things like we mentioned. You are in another world it seems, its going to take time to adapt.

 

Ill be thinking of you. PLease hang in.

 

John

[crushedinIndy]

BellaDonna,

 

Thanks so much for asking how I am doing. It has been exactly four weeks since I found out my wife was cheating on me. I have good days and bad days. I told her on December 8 that I had forgiven her and that I wanted her to come back, she responded that if she came back she would have to give up all her friends and she was not going to do that. So I found out where my son and I rate, below her friends.

 

I spoke with a family member on December 10 who told me my wife was sleeping with a drummer in a band. Another tough pill to swallow, I asked my wife a couple days later and she said yes she is/was. I looked on the cell phone records and found she had called him on my birthday in October. I asked her why she called him and she said because she had a date with him that night but thought she should do the right thing and stay home with me. Wow, how kind of her.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that this marriage is toast. The sweet loving woman that I married 26 years ago has been consumed by an evil demon. She has filed for divorce and I plan on moving on. I have bought some books and signed up for a DivoreCare class. I am working everyday and taking care of my 17 year old son. My son is having a real hard time with this, he told me the other night that he cannot stand to even look at his mom. It really broke my heart to hear him say that because I know he loves his mother as much as I do. She not only destroyed me but my son as well, I can’t describe how upset this makes me.

 

I am looking into some counseling for the both of us. This has taken another mental toll on me, now I question if I was a good lover and look in the mirror and see how ugly I am. I know it will be years before I am over this and even start to think about dating, but I wonder if another woman can love me.

 

Life goes on, I am looking forward to Christmas, spring, and when the divorce will be final. Thanks to everyone that responded to my post. May God bless you all during this holiday season.

 

CrushedinIndy

[Dako]

I question if I was a good lover and look in the mirror and see how ugly I am. I know it will be years before I am over this and even start to think about dating, but I wonder if another woman can love me.

 

Crushed,

This is a pont where I part company with the common forum wisdom.

 

Whatever you do, don't stare in the mirror to find your faults, or go over your past for mistakes. Some people recommend this sort of self- criticism (sabatoge?) to discover faults to mend for the next relationship, but in your case, she stayed with you over decades. If you're so bad why did you last so long? Why did she suddenly bail out? Only she knows, but I'd guess it was the excitement of a new guy.

Don't beat yourself up, man. You've had enough already.

[radioheader]

i saw that you wrote you wanted to beg her back...there is a good book by james dobson called love must be tough and it talks about this very thing....i experienced betrayal and thought it was an informative read...just a suggestion if you are up for some reading...good luck and hang in there!

[Beec]

Well, I had not read the most recent post by CrushedinIndy until just now.

 

And I think I am with Dako on this one. If you were not suitable as a man for her, she should never have married you or had a child with you.

 

More importantly, at some point she failed to love you in a big way. When you lvoe someone, when you are their spouse, on the days when you feel like you want to strangle them, rip of their head and mutilate the body, you still have to love them. Now, at those times, you will not have loving feelings for them, but you need to do what is best for them, even at that time. You need to still be on the look out for your loved one's best interests. Your wife, soon to be ex, did not do that, she did not love, adn did not understnad that is what she was supposed to do. that is not your fault, it is only her own, self-centered, fault.

[ballerina]

My husband did the same thing to me after 19 yrs of marriage and 2 teenagers now. It has been a year since we separated. I still hear the same thing of he loves me...but I came to the conclusion that a cheater is always a cheater. It is not your fault that she cheated. You should feel good that it is not you who cheated. They must feel awful if they have any conscious.

 

For you to get stronger, and this is what I did in the last year to survive. I joined a few groups of single parents or singles only, hiking, exercising, and went out to meet people. It gave me strength and I found friends who stood by me. My divorce is still in process and I have 2 teenagers. I panicked at first but now I am confident that I will be happier. I came to identify the person who is abusive in his "loving" relation and who is "giving". I try to stay away from the former. Don't worry, something good will come out of it. As someone here said, everything will be fine in the end, if it is not fine, it is not the end.

[crushedinIndy]

Well, my first Christmas in 27 years without my wife. I wonder if she is happy with her new life. I keep thinking I would not have given up the time with my son to have sex with any woman on earth. Time with your children is so short, why waste it with someone who is just using you instead of being with the ones that truly love you. My son and I went to the evening church service, and I prayed like I have never prayed before.

 

I think the saddest part of all this is I lost my best friend and confidant. The other side of the coin is that I also lost a deceiving, lying, self center mate without a conscious so maybe it has all evened out in the end.

 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight…..

[Dako]

Crushed,

 

I feel for you.

 

It'll take you a while to get stronger, and the pain will linger, but don't lose hope. You will make it to a point where your life will become a fresh start with new people and opportunities.

 

I'm at the 15 month point.

It truly will get better for you.

 

I wish you the best in 2007.

As I tell myself, things can only improve.

[mommyoftwo]

The death of a relationship, for whatever reason, is the same as the death of anything.

 

You go through the same steps that you would if someone actually died

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

For whatever the reason your wife left, it's hers to own. Please don't beat yourself up for what you could have, should have, or would have done. I'm not sure it would have made any difference, because if she were unhappy, she could have just divorced you long ago.

 

She's a coward for staying in the relationship and screwing around behind your back. I know that may be harsh, but she had options.

 

Hang in there.