No Contact with the "Other Woman" - OW

[kermit]

I guess I deserve this but I'm really sad and in pain. I had a brief (3 month) non-sexual (not that it matters) affair with an old friend from high-school (we're both 45 years old). During this time we became best friends (again)and supported one another, and consoled each other. We were both unhappy in our marriages, but not quite at the same point. My wife and I had discussed seperating, the OW had decided years ago her marriage was over, she just couldn't face it, and she never discussed it with her husband.

 

I have left my wife while we decide if we can stay married. The 'Other Woman' and I have agreed to NC for three months, while we sort our lives out. We don't want to ditch our spouses for each other, we need to be sure our marriages are really over before we get together again. It is only one week since we cut each other off.

 

Now I'm separated from my family, I've lost my best friend for three months (maybe forever?) and I need to decide if I can ever love my wife the way I love the OW. It is so hard not to call her, not to email her. I think about her all day when I should be worrying about my marriage. I also admit that I'm worried she'll never leave her husband...

 

I don't know how anyone can offer advice, but this really sucks. Maybe it should be a warning that an innocent friendship can ruin your life ...

[Lady Bugg]

WOW.....Sorry to hear about this.

 

Just curious....How are you and your wife working on your marriage by living separately? Are you in counseling together?

To ME it seems pointless to be apart if you are actively trying to make things

work. Now I understand needing space....but living apart to ME would just

seem to create more distance.

 

I DO commend you on at LEAST not having sex with your affair partner...

even though truthfully an emotional affair is probably MUCH more damaging... a sexual AND emotional affair would likely make things even more

clouded.

 

Not sure what advice I can offer....but just to at LEAST make a sincere effort to salvage your marriage...and not use it as a distraction from your affair. That really is NOT fair to your wife. If you KNOW it won;t work and you want out...end it. Don't prolong her pain any more than you have.

[kermit]

My wife is deciding if she can ever trust me again, she has NEVER had a reason not to trust me. I am somewhat ashamed of what I have done, but not completely. I had a chance to marry the OW, and I chose my wife. I now know I made the wrong choice. I do love the OW (we have carried a torch for each other for thirty years), and I don't feel like I love my wife right now. But how many people still love their wife the same way after twenty years and three kids? There is a bit of truth to the thought that I would be out my marriage faster if I knew the OW was leaving her husband for sure.

 

I have been under a lot a lot stress for a long time and my wife wants me to get a psychological evaluation (not unreasonable) because she thinks I am depressed. (I don't think I am) After that takes place we'll proabably go to counselling. There is a plan in place, we are being civil and I am paying the bills.

 

I had a chance to turn this into a sexual affair, I chose not to. I drew the line at that point. I am a jerk, just not a complete jerk. I agree that would have made this even harder, and in my mind ended my marriage for sure.

[Lady Bugg]

Kermit.....it sounds to ME as if you have already resigned yourself to a life of misery with your wife. You already said you KNOW you made the wrong choice by staying with your wife. Then WHY stay?? Do you think you're doing her a favor by staying with her out of fear the OW won't leave her husband?

In essense you are using your wife as a "backup" plan.

 

Have you told your wife you are in love with the OW? If you're trying to earn your wife's trust back...then you need to be completely honest with her.

Maybe she will stay with you despite your feelings......and she's a strong woman if she does that.

 

I realize you are trying to do the "right" thing......but life is too short to live it unhappily.

[Dako]

There is a bit of truth to the thought that I would be out my marriage faster if I knew the OW was leaving her husband for sure..

 

Your marriage seems to be hinging on the OW's marriage.

To me that's a clue you've already made a choice.

[kermit]

Kermit.....it sounds to ME as if you have already resigned yourself to a life of misery with your wife. You already said you KNOW you made the wrong choice by staying with your wife. Then WHY stay?? Do you think you're doing her a favor by staying with her out of fear the OW won't leave her husband?

In essense you are using your wife as a "backup" plan.

 

Have you told your wife you are in love with the OW? If you're trying to earn your wife's trust back...then you need to be completely honest with her.

Maybe she will stay with you despite your feelings......and she's a strong woman if she does that.

 

I realize you are trying to do the "right" thing......but life is too short to live it unhappily.

 

1. No I am not resigned to staying with her. More details: She has confessed that she would have likely left me in five years when our youngest left for University. I offered to help us do that, by moving back and trying our marriage again. But the trust issue is on the table now, and my wife does want to 'put in time'. It's full bore trying, or nothing. There is an element of the back-up plan, that's why OW and I went NC, to reduce her influence on my marriage. I need to decide on my marriage without the OW in my life.

 

2. My wife asked me if I was in love with OW. I never answered. I feel embarrassed by my feelings because a) it is hurtful to my wife and b) it is not 'real', it is easy to be in love with someone when you don't have all the crap of life to deal with, I know that. I also know that two people don't stay attached to one another for thirty years without some kind of special connection, and we have that. I want to ignore and move on, but I can not.

 

3. I left my wife because I want to be happy, but it is entirely possible that the OW will never re-enter my life. I think it is unlikely, but possible. I can't get into all the conversations, the promises, the hopes etc. I just totally believe that she will leave her husband. If she doesn't I guess I have to move on, that will be more painful than this, I think.

 

Thank-you for taking the time to think about my problems...

[kermit]

Your marriage seems to be hinging on the OW's marriage.

To me that's a clue you've already made a choice.

 

 

I have to agree, but I am so overwhelmed and confused, it is hard for me to sort my feelings out.

[chai714]

It seems as if the emotional confusion has caused you to withdraw from both your wife and the other woman, possibly in hopes that you can clear this up in your head (sounds ideal, but I'm sure thinking doesn't help clear up much confusion).

 

I'm not sure if your decision even lies on your wife or the OW - I think you may have left one other option out - leave your wife and be alone for a while. I don't think it's ever wise to jump from one lilypad (relationship) into another lilypad (another relationship). Time alone will give you perspective on both situations and your own life and the direction it's headed. So, I vote for you to buy a bit more time and be on your own for a while if you do end things with your wife. The OW may or may not be a viable option later but it's really not important in the big picture. Your sanity and happiness are.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i really think that you should consider individual counseling to see what it is you really want to do. it is really not fair to keep your wife on the back burner as an option in case your future with the OW does not come to pass...

 

is sounds like you might be suffering from long-term depression, irrespective of your situation with both women, and you might want to get that treated before you make any decisions.

 

i think you should use this time to work on *you* and not ping-pong mentally between two women. it really sounds like you have already decided your marriage is not working, but are too depressed and afraid to make the decision to break away unless you are sure you the OW will leave her husband for you. your decision to stay or leave your wife should be independent of anyone else, but based on whether the relationship with your wife can go to the distance.

 

but i think if you are this obsessed with the OW, your marriage with your wife will never work... you will always be mooning over the OW's loss, like you have for 30 years.

 

so get some counseling to get you 'unstuck' from this situation. spending 3 months doing nothing will leave you as indecisive as before, and both women will be tired of waiting for your to make up your mind.

[kermit]

Time alone will give you perspective on both situations and your own life and the direction it's headed. So, I vote for you to buy a bit more time and be on your own for a while if you do end things with your wife. The OW may or may not be a viable option later but it's really not important in the big picture. Your sanity and happiness are.

 

I agree, (and i am living basically alone) but it might/will appear to my wife, and others, that I'm biding time waiting to see if the OW becomes available. (My wife and I have agreed to be apart for two months, but she could change her mind at any time and file for divorce.)

[kermit]

1. I'm trying not to keep my wife on the backburner, I know it's not fair. I need to make a decision on my marriage without the OW. That's why we're NC right now. It's painful but necessary.

 

2. I am going to a shrink shortly, to get a professional opinion of my mental status.

 

3. I know my marriage wasn't working, meeting the OW only hastened the outcome. I am just not ready to say it can't work. Maybe too scared, maybe to early. Not sure.

 

4. Yes, I am obsessed with the OW. I am hoping that a few months separation will put that in perspective, because i feel it is irrational behaviour on my part right now. I just can't stop it....

[Rabican]

It sounds like you have the right idea of how to handle this. NC with the OW, taking a break from the wife... certainly more fair to everyone and less painful than trying to date them both until you make up your mind. Kudos to you, and good luck.

[kermit]

Thank-you to everyone who responded.