Ex 'wants to talk'

[itsallgrand]

And I want to let him.

 

Help me out a bit here, please, with perspective. Thanks.

 

Situation: he has respected our breakup. Neither of us has been in touch with the either for however long it has been...christ, it's been a while.

 

Until these last few weeks, that's is, and he has sent email. And I've replied.

It has stayed light for the most part - but, questionable.

We live in the same city, know some of the same people, it's easy enough to get an idea of what the other is up to....he has said he 'just guessed' about something to do with me (I spoke about it to him a lot while we were still together, but for years didn't address it or do it) - but it gives me the vibes he has already gathered the info second-hand, or is fishing to know from me.

 

I'm not over him. I mean, I am over the struggling part of wanting to fix something that can't be fixed, toy with reality, and being spun when I am reminded by him.

 

I have gone on a few dates - all with one man - but that has been casual and simple. Nice - but established pretty early that nothing huge is going to happen right now. And I am good with that.

I barely know my head from my butthole right now, to tell the truth. Only vaguely involved in other people's lives that span beyond my work.

In fact, I am good with being single right now period. I'm working on my own footing and my own battered sense of person. It's taken me a long time to get to this point: and it is all about me.

 

I trust myself to see the ex, and yet I am scared. Just scared of being thrown for a loop, being told something I couldn't handle right now, ...I dunno...scared.

 

I guess I am feeling fragile, yet, not because of the breakup but because of my own stuff.

And knowing my ex, he has a real way of connecting to me and getting me to talk....and I don't know if that would be good for me. Because...it will make me feel intimately connected to him again, vulnerable, and I'm afraid it could hurt bad if things don't play out exactly as I need them to...

 

I understand this all sounds very selfish, and it is. I'm thinking of me right now.

 

And I do want to hear what he has to say, for better or worse or inbetween, it may be something I need to hear too.

 

And I do want to see him, because I still care about him...and more honestly, because I have been feeling very alone in this world, and he has been one of the few who has ever made human sense to me - - if that makes sense.

I could always trust him to be reliable, sane, centered, and not to demand or manipulate me.

 

What I need/want is him as my best friend, as he was for a good long time...yet don't know if that is a fool arsed thing to walk into , considering I have no idea what it is he is looking for right now or prepared for...he hasn't told me...and I wouldn't expect him to...as he never was one to say those things out loud...but to act to get the message accross...and his message right now has me wondering: is this him caring or hoping to start something again?

 

Smart folks: what do you think? To act or to wait for a clearer day. (problem is: there aren't a lot of clear days for me lately, and probably not for a while).

 

thanks for listening, regardless.

[Survictor]

Why did you break up?

 

Do those reasons still exist?

 

xxx

[itsallgrand]

Broke up bc of my issues which I wouldn't address/couldn't at the time (wore the relationship down thin, fun started to go out).

 

And because of kids/marriage. I would like it in the future - which means not hugely distant - he is indecisive, makes no move in his life to show that having a family will be a priority for him nor is.

He is focused on work,friends, and prior - me.

 

They still exist.

I'm addressing my issues - solo.

He's drops comments about scaling down his work and even mentioned family in his emails. His work is very public, so i know it isn't bs.

 

It is suspicious and scary. Nothing is solved, but there is the stupid hope and air of change.

 

To be clear though, I don't feel like I want to be with any one right now. Not even him. So if he were to bring it up - it would be a no. Do you think that is what it is about?

[Survictor]

Whether you want to see him and whether it is good for you right now is something you should address.

 

You could always tell him that you don't want to be with anyone right now but you still care.

 

 

If the reasons for your break up are still there and you are working on them, is there any way that you would want to work them out with a partner.. with him?

 

If you still feel you need to work on them alone, then you have your answer.

 

And if he wants to have another go at your relationship... well it's up to you really.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Survictor. That helped a lot.

 

I'm going to go with the direct, blunt approach. It seems to work the best for me.

Going to see him, and if he wants to try again, I'll just tell him I can't right now, but I still care. Hey, it's the truth. And I'll deal with it. Don't think I'd feel good putting this away or holding back right now. And knowing where he is at with everything will be nice, too. I've been wondering how is.

 

If he is only looking for someone to talk to, a friend, or some other such thing that involves what he needs to know to carry on himself: well, I can handle that too, and he deserves that.

 

Thanks for lending me your strength for the moment, Surv. And listening.

[Survictor]

I wish you well. You sound like a mature person and I have a feeling you will be ok. Be honest with yourself first. Sometimes, I should try taking my own advice, lol.

 

xxx

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Just be careful not to let your own ambivalence about him encourage him to think he is 'working on' getting you back, unless that is what you want too.

 

'Let's be friends' is one of the most misunderstood things on the planet when uttered to a recent ex after a breakup... each person takes it to mean what they want, anything from casual infrequent contact to sleeping together when in the mood. even further elaboration doesn't clarify it if one person is more hopeful than the other, that person usually takes it that they are on the road to a reconcilation if only he/she tries hard enough to please the other person. so the dumpee can see this friendship as the long ride to a second chance at a relationship, while the less involved person may just see comfort and conversation but no future at all other than occasional drinks and dinner.

 

We are only as honest as we understand our own motivation, which isn't always clear. So 'being honest' is a very good policy, but sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we know what we want or are saying because of the complicated creatures we are. not everything is apparent to us or others we are involved with emotionally, because emotions are indeed very complicated.

 

Lots of times we want to reconnect in 'friendship' with our ex's because we haven't found anybody new and want some comfort and familiarity, not exactly merely friendship, but a limbo zone somewhere in between friendship and a relationship, until we find someone we like better. It usually works fine for the person who cares less, but the one wanting more will get badly hurt if/when they recognize that this friendship will not lead to a future reunion.

 

And if he is still hoping to reunite eventually and you are just being friends, he is not moving on with his recovery and seeking new people to date because he is busy working on you. so that might work for you, but NOT be in his best interest if you care about him.

 

so think carefully about what you are offering him by offering 'friendship' and vice versa. and spell out in detail what 'friends' means. it is very hard to continue open ended in the 'i'm not sure, we're just friends' mode with someone who is an ex, sooner or later one or the other usually gets impatient and things can turn sour again, and another ride taken on the miserable breakup merry-go-round.

 

so a slippery slope, tread lightly...

[friscodj]

Here are some points you stated:

 

1 ) You are not over him.

2 ) You barely know your head from your butthole.

3 ) You are enjoying your single time, being selfish, and working on yourself.

4 ) You are scared seeing your ex will throw you for a loop.

5 ) You are fragile because of your own stuff.

6 ) Your ex has a way of opening you up, which you are unsure of doing.

7 ) You want to see him to hear what he has to say.

8 ) You want to see him because you care about him.

9 ) More importantly you want to see him because you feel alone.

10) You mention you need him to be your best friend.

 

This to me doesn't sound like good idea. It sounds to me like your deep desires and motivations to see him speak to codependent reasons, namely, feeling alone and needing him.

 

It also seems like you are hoping he can help you find your head and your butthole. I think you should keep following your natural inclination to be self-centered right now and forget about this meeting for now. I think it will set you back.

 

I also don't see a true friendship coming from this at this point in time. Maybe later, but not now. I see too much fragility with yourself and too much misguidance in the way of being lonely and needing him. You can care about him from a distance. I think you'd be taking a step in the wrong direction by seeing him.

[itsallgrand]

 

 

So that's what honesty gets me.

 

When you put it like that - yeah, I want him to tell me which side is my head and which side is my butthole.

 

Probably not a good idea considering...but I swear, it did make sense while I have been rationalizing it to myself.

 

I think I need to make some backup plans for myself ASAP.

 

Thanks for the new replies. Of course.

[hjc]

Firstly my sympathies...often with these situations clarity only comes over time. But given your ex has contacted you and asked to meet, you're having to take a decision now that you aren't in a position to really make.

 

You've got to balance the natural curiosity of wanting to know what they want to talk about, with the fact you might get hurt. I suggest thereforeeee that you find out what he wants to talk about. That way you'll be able to prepare for a meeting. If there's a valid purpose then i'd consider meeting/talking...otherwise I wouldn't.

 

You are quite vulnerable right now so just tread carefully....