New Problems..(complicated)

[mikeca]

Hey all again. I've been wrestling with this in my head the past few weeks...so here it goes..

 

basic background : broken up for 6 months, get back together, she moves to new city (LDR), I visit and its cold..

 

now more detail...during the process of getting back together we both had mini rebounds, only hers she said directly was to hurt me, she went down on a guy I work with they mini-dated which is painful. But as long as I knew i had her heart I could be okay with it. few more details, she was raped a couple years ago while she was working in the states. I think this plays a huge factor in everything.

 

She's dated abusive losers in the past and im the 'stereotypical' nice guy. I could be really good for her and have been. Previously she told me she got away from this guy but after we got back together she stated she was in fact raped.

 

When I went to visit her months back she was cold and very distant at first, she even said she couldnt handle my touch, and shes had nightmares about the rape, but during the last few days of me being there she opened up and we even made love. She directly told me she cant give me a relationship now, and said she would seek help (shrink) and I said I would wait.

 

Now the emails we exchange are so cold from her, I still try to remain loving even though were not "bf/gf". My logic is to the be the guy who's there for her rather then those of the past. But now I dont receive any love in these emails and to her point were both going in diff. directions, im joining a police shes going into the army.

 

I wonder now about everything, shes even said she doesnt deserve me.

 

its not so much the distance thats killing me, its not receiving any love, even just emails that were warmer would mean everything. Shes also said shes not ready to spend the money or waste her days off on a shrink now, which makes me wonder if Im just holding my breath that she would come around quicker.

 

I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been thinking of walking away and doing NC again, emailing her and telling her this ( i assume from exp. will end badly) or just letting her know in a smaller way and walk away but more so in a give her more space ideal...

 

any information is greatly helpful....

[Siriana]

She's dated abusive losers in the past and im the 'stereotypical' nice guy. I could be really good for her and have been. Previously she told me she got away from this guy but after we got back together she stated she was in fact raped.

 

She directly told me she cant give me a relationship now, and said she would seek help (shrink) and I said I would wait.

 

its not so much the distance thats killing me, its not receiving any love, even just emails that were warmer would mean everything. Shes also said shes not ready to spend the money or waste her days off on a shrink now, which makes me wonder if Im just holding my breath that she would come around quicker.

 

To me it looks like these are the only things that are important in your situation.

She has a lot of unresolved bagagge, she said that she will ask for help, and finally she said that she is not into spending money or her time on a therapist.

So she has problems that she doesn't want to start solving.

So are you shure you can get what you need from her? To me it looks like you're going to have to wait too long for that. Plus you are going in different directions. I would choose to stop waiting and start living without her. You're 21 - there are a lot of nice girls, that are ready for relationship out there.You are prolonging your suffering.

Plus she told you seh can't give you a relationship now - than trust her she really means that, and stop waitng, what are you waiting? Also her e-mails are cold and that is just a proof of her words how she's not for relationship right now.

I suggest leaving. let her take care of herself first, but without you, otherwise you are going to be the one who's depressed and ready for professional help. Keep your sanity, that's the only thing that's important.

[mikeca]

its so hard to think of words to respond, she sent me this when i asked at first:

 

"As for us....I want to be friends for now. I am sorry but I am incapable of being your girlfriend and I told you that when you were here last. I thought you understood me. I care about you a lot but until I can sort myself out I don't want a committment. You should understand, you know what I've been through."

 

I'm pre-writing a letter telling her how this isnt working for me, but she's clearly stated it there herself. I'm torn on what to do because in fact I do love her alot and wouldnt mind waiting as long as she showed some interest in see a therapist or something. maybe I should say that first before writing up a longer goodbye?

 

or just telling her I cant keep in touch and she can reach out whenever she heals herself?

 

I feel like somehow I should stick around to support her but I dont think I'm strong enough to last through this if she doesnt do anything.

[Siriana]

or just telling her I cant keep in touch and she can reach out whenever she heals herself?

 

Well I think this is better.

 

You know, I am sure that it will be a long time before she asks for help, if she asks any. The fact she wants friendship - I usually see this as you getting hurt and uncapable to meet new girls, and her getting support which is not so relevant to her.

 

But if you tell her that, you need to be prepared moving on with your life - you can't sit patiently by the phone while putting your life on hold. So this is really risky part of this plan. So you have to put a certain time frame in which you're going to wait (in your mind)- and after that you'll have to accept that she's not coming back - if she doesn't call.

Unfortunatelly, I am not a patient person and I can't stand these situations where you have to wait for something that you're not even shure it will come back to you - so I simply give up.

 

I think beeing friends is just a phrase that she uses to make this easier for both of you. The only fair thing she could do is telling you how she is not ready for relationship. Without that just friends part. Is it possible to expect that someone will wait for you a year, two years? No. And either she knows that and hopes you will understand that she needs a brake up, or she thinks that it is o.k. for you to wait which is selfis.

 

Good luck