I'd give anything...please help!

[silentalways]

i will take these words and remind myself of them everyday. i am on the 'upside' now of the rollarcoaster i was on for a while and even though there are days where it feels like i have made no progress - i tell myself i will feel differently tomorrow - and i always do. i think the biggest thing i have been able to do is 'see' all the things that have caused me so much trouble over the years [looooooooooong list - lol] and instead of feeling like i have to complete them all at the same time and in record speed, i can now pace myself and do what i can, when i can. and one of the biggest things i am doing right now and actually wickedly excited about is moving to a new home. i have lived in the same place for 15 years and my house is now listed and i go to 'see' other homes this weekend. this change will make a huge difference for me. i am glad to read so many great thought posts on here.

[NorCaSpinna]

Hey Blender,

 

Again thank you for your wonderful and insightful advice.

 

Today...I almost feel like a completely different person than a week ago. I still miss and love her to death. But through the help of friends, this site, books and the gym, I have come to realize that this is an experience that should actually be looked on as something constructive.

 

Granted, there are still hurdles I have to overcome. As I mentioned in my last post. I have put my ex "on a pedestal" so to speak which is normal. Another hurdle that I have come into is the desire to keep her in my life through contacting her. I think that while I am better now than I was last week...fully letting her go will be a long drawn out process. Naturally, right now, even though NC might be the best way to go...I am nervous that doing so will remove her from my life completely. I am more well disciplined at this now than I was last week (2 texts and voicemail that both went unanswered). To tell the honest truth, I want her to be a part of my life whether it be as a girlfriend or a friend. People are telling me to wait two weeks and try to contact her again or just a text to let her know I care, but I'm afraid that the results might set me back if she doesnt respond. But who knows...in 2 weeks, I might be a different person than today. And I know NC is good for recovery...but what if I am more recovered and if I broke it up with her and now want her back...is NC still a valid option if I am doing better?

 

Any advice on this from anybody? (it has been about 10 days since she sent me the email saying that she needed time to make a decision and about 3 days since i left her a voicemail)

 

On a more positive note, I think that I am on a positive path right now. I have discovered more and more about myself everyday and I have you all to thank for that. I will continue to post.

[blender]

for today "no contact" is all you have to maintain, please try not to even consider being "friends" with her right now, it would not be honest, or sincere, you are still far too vulnerable to "pretend" to be okay with simply being "friends", just so you can fulfill a momentary desperate need to keep her in your life, believe me, that "feeling" is very different then the "fact" of choosing to just be 'buddies" too soon.. You do not want to "define" yourself as a "friend" right now, it's not realistic, and it will only lead to her "defining" you as such, and that is NOT a good idea, if you have any hope at a future reconciliation.. for now if you want to do what gives you the most realistic chance at having a successful relationship with her, or with someone new, the best thing to do is NO CONTACT....

 

Can you relax for a bit today, and know that "no contact" is the best thing.. no worries about what you will do in 'two weeks".. just for today, try to remember that unless someone is making an intentional effort to work on the relationship as a couple, then there is NOTHING to discuss... nothing... contact right now usually causes the ex to just roll thier eyes and think.."give me a break, give me some space, if I wanted to be with you, I'd be telling you so, and choosing behavior that indicates exactly that"

 

don't put yourself into a party where you have not received a formal invitation.. she is taking this time to "discover" whatever it is she needs to find out, about herself, you, etc.. don't interrupt it with a "momentary desperate need" for some kind of contact.. give it the trust, faith and respect that true, mature, honest, sincere love needs in order to grow..

[silentalways]

whatever that would be - i could do. but to be a couple, u must work together, make discoveries and memories together and communicate what 'discovery' is desired. in my case, it has been almost a year and i don't want 'us' to lose anymore time. is that unreasonable? is it wrong to say enuff! and take a stand? i know how hard this has been on me and i can only imagine for her - i guess i don't want to be in limbo anymore and if she truly sees nothing in me at all regarding a future - i can move forward by standing still. i would love a future with her and to make plans but i am aware that after so little contact that i am just possibly deluding myself. i would love to hear some advice on this.

[blender]

Dear 'Silentalways", since this is "Nocaspinna's" thread, thereforeeee we do not know your story, it is difficult for us to give advice... can you be more specific or do you have a thread on here already to which we can answer?

[silentalways]

in a nutshell, i simply wish the woman i love would try again and communicate that by phone or if not help us find a way to move past this hurt.

 

thanks everyone. i must try and sleep now

 

nite

 

[sorry about this long self-serving post but it really is just about loving her and wanting a second chance at something special]

 

 

I am the second born, and the first son, of 4 children my parents had. Well, factually, I am the third born and second son because my parents had a son before me but he died during birth so I guess i am the 'we'll try again' child of the family. I was born premature and was always sick as a child. I had the kind of fevers where you would see monsters and that was no looked kindly upon by my father. At an early age I discovered I was a burden so to protect myself I found ways to protect myself from hurt. This usually involved shrugging off my hurt as if it meant nothing and in doing so started at an early age unconscoiyusly thinking people did the same thing. So when I said or did something to hurt someone I never gave it the right measure of import. Thru grade school I was so skinny that in grade 4 my teacher used me as a skeletal example and had me take off my shirt in front of my class and let her poke around my rib cage. In order to survive I became the class clown and developed ways of expressing my hurt silently and personally thru art and music. High school was a blur of existence that really meant nothing nor prepared me for life as an adult. But what I lacked in ability I made up for with generousity and determination. I married too young and during a time where I had learned that the way to cope from ones weaknesses was through drinking. So from my teens to my twenties my coping mechanism was to run from trouble through self abuse and lies and after a period of self punishment I would overachieve and be capable of things I always wanted to accomplish and slowly I became the man I believe I could be. In the process I learned how to finally open my heart and trust completely in people – to the point where I never doubted or felt people in general held malice towards another. That changed when I discovered my then wife had lived a 'separate life' and it was then that my ability to 'trust' was lost. Because of this, I had to end my marriage and co-parent – something I never wanted to do. Some time later, destiny decided that I would meet someone so amazing that it would impact my life in ways I couldn't imagine at the time. We actually met online and we found out about each other first through words, then by voice and then we met in person – by then I already knew how fortunate I was. Over the next few years, I experienced what it is like for the first time to be in love with someone, to make love with someone, to actually envision growing old with someone and wanting to do and give my all to someone without question – unconditional. I believe our love was so strong that when we told each other we were soulmates – we meant the words – they were not lies. In the beginning, this woman saw her situation and mine as being unequal and that she felt at a disadvantage because of her past. I never once felt we were anything other than equals and we shared everything. To this day I know I saw love in her eyes for me, I saw appreciation and caring, I know she believed in me and that as she grew as a person and a woman and needed to lean on me less, I was proud of what she was accomplishing, how great of a mother she was, her hidden strengthens and I woke up every day thinking of her. I remember one time I knew she was completely happy and relax and it was one morning where she started singing in the shower and walked out of the bathroom without concern for covering up. She was safe, comfortable and assure of herself, me, and us. Then she hit a crossroad, between wanting a job that matched her qualifications and abilities and the need to make her family proud, and she had already become confident and would not let her ex determine her mood or fate. So she was balancing a love, her past, her career, her school, her daughter, and living in a home that was not her own. At this time I started suffering from a depression but did not realize it at the time because depression is gradual. She had already gone thru one so I imagined she saw the signs, and she did and tried to help. I had to take time off work and for 4 out of 8 months I had no income but was carrying the household debt as she and daughter had moved in even though we both knew that was a risk. I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 years an emotionally abusive person that neglected everyone and wasted hours online in chat rooms talking about meaningless sex issues with strangers while I whacked myself out substance wise and emotionally. In the process I felt that she had given up and hated me and when she left – I was still gonzo and in an empty house as I had given away my stuff so we could use hers and make my home feel like hers. before she left I had no idea what my behviour was actually like. I didn't realize I was being unfaithful, because I was sick and actually punishing myself by doing the things I was doing. I know it got too much for her and that she believed I would never get better and that the things I had done had forever corrupted our relationship. When I finally recovered it was too late. I was, now forever in her eyes, heart and mind, that creep that hurt her deeply. I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to have fallen so deeply in love with someone and then totally collapse from stress to the point where you become unrecognizable to even yourself and betray everything you stand for and hurt the woman you love so much that they refuse to ever speak to you againu and see only 'the bad time' and then actually 'wake up' from that nightmare, realize and watch this love vanish before your eyes and have to come to grips with the fact that your behaviour, unintentional and caused by extroduary factors, has destroyed what you waited all your life for . then have to fiond a way to accept that this woman will never come back nor see or think of you in the ways she once did. And to find a way to somehow let go of that person in your heart because they have already done so with you. So, because of 7 months out of 4 years, because of a time where I stumbled, I am faced with the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life – find a way to let go of something that I know is never coming back and deal with the fact that I in no way intended all this to happen. I am a good man, great father and loving partner. I had never been happier in my life. And because I know she sees me as she does and thinks of me now in the exact opposite ways she once did, I will carry that scar in my heart forever – I truly believe that. I have tried every which way to tell her I understand her hurt, to apologize, to show strength and love but nothing has or will make a difference. People tell me, just move on, get a hobby, forget her, date again – but how do those things solve matters of the heart? How does going to a gym make me refocus and capable of healing from something like that? These are bandaids and do nothing for a broken heart let alone somehow make amends to her and to show respect to her. I know that I will never faulter again like I did and I wish she would want to try again and believe in us but the reality is – she will not. I know her too well. I am forever marked and stained by 30 seconds out of a lifetime and as much as I know she is hurting – it is both of us that have lost something great. I have reached out because I see promise but she doesn't and now I have to find a way to let go of this love – because that is what it is – not an obsession, not an illusion, not a fantasy – but a true and pure love we both shared and one that I alone ruined. And over the last few months I have gone from delusional because of despair to asking confidently for her hand by showing her all the things I have done and ways I have changed – with only silence as a reply. So, after saying all this, can anyone tell me – how does one move on after something like this?

[blender]

No offense "Silentalways", but it would be polite for you to start your own thread... you'd get some more repsonses..

[NorCaSpinna]

So.......

 

Right when im getting better...I find out through the grapevine that shes dating again. It might be immature but I am pissed and hurt. I guess I dumped her in the first place,...this is my punishment. As for waiting around for her; my interests are far less in as they were. I'm leaving for vegas tomorrow...going to have a great time. Honestly at this point, I do not even care to keep her in my life. If she contacts me down the line, I dont think I will care to hear Might be a drastic choice now, but im not going to play the stupid dog waiting on her freakin doorstep. I put her on a pedestal for far too long when in reality, she drove me away. I could tell you so many stories. It's funny that tonight I actually made the decision to start fully letting go. 6th sense i tell you. I think i need to make a move to the dating forum hahhahaha. I know I am acting drastic now and I should realize that shes moving on but for now im angry and its hard. Wish me luck in the dating world.

 

Just needed to vent a little bit

 

someone might need to calmme down...

[NorCaSpinna]

Well, last night, I made the discovery mentioned above. While I still harbor a bit of jealousy and hurt...I am starting to accept the result of my actions and her decision. I've decided to keep her in my life but at a farther distance. I have no desire to contact her so NC is going to stay that way for a while.

 

I think this is definitely the end of this phase. Have I grown as a person? Sure. Have I learned anything??? Definitely.. Some lessons that I might want to pass on to people in the same situation.

 

1. Breaking up is like a gun to a cop...if you pull it out, you better be prepared to use it and anticipate the results. If you're in one of those really bad fights, try to think about the better aspects of the relationship. If they aren't enough to keep you there, leave...in short...think before you speak.

 

2. Use your pain as an "excuse" or a "motivating factor" to change your life. Although the pain seems almost debilitating in the beginning (or in the middle in my case) it is truly something that you can use to your growth in so many facets of your life. And it's OK to grieve! Crying can be a healing thing. I have never cried so much in my life prior to this. And it expedited the healing process. I personally have had my views changed about dating and relationships and on LIFE in general.

 

3. You are NOT ALONE. Even when I thought I was the only person going through the situation I was. I found out that it was the opposite not only from this website but from my OWN group of friends! Talking about things is probably one of the most therapeutic methods of "healing" you can use in situations like this.

 

4. Accept change. In retrospect, I am beginning to see the light through the cracks little by little that even though I liked this woman a great deal and saw us being together for a long time, I broke up with her for a REASON. My want for her clouded the reality of the fact that fate had different plans for me. And that will happen naturally. Just realize that (prepare for cliche) things happen FOR A REASON!

 

 

So what happens now? Well the process is still ongoing and I know it will be for a while. All I can do is thank all of you who have been there to help me here. Blender, your advice played a big part in my ability to make the decision to "go on" so Thank You for that. All I can ask for now is good vibes/prayers/chants to be sent my way so that my road through this new life of dating is not a perilous one

 

 

"Take care of yourselves, and each other"

- Jerry Springer

 

 

-Erik

[blender]

Erik, Thank you for expressing your gratitude. I know this is a tough time, but you have jumped the important hurdle of "perspective". When I went through all this, it was an ebb and flow, of getting very upset over the ex, and then all of the sudden having "only" a perfect memory of thier "good" qualities... just as you stated, right now it's a strong emotional reaction to learning that she might be dating... that's okay, you are worthy of a woman who makes an intentional choice to be with you, and vice versa.. and who knows in time it can be the ex, but for now you are going to take care of YOU.

 

You've learned so much, you are more understanding of yourself, and that is a gift so precious you might not realize it's full value until you love again, and you wil, the best is ahead of you. Have fun in Vegas! best, Blender

[NorCaSpinna]

Vegas was incredible...between Thursday night and Sunday afternoon I probably slept for 3 and a half hours at most It was a refreshing time to be with friends, clear my thoughts and cloud them back up with Jaeger-Bombs.

 

The day before I left, I realized that I didn't want to have constant reminders of her so I did something that might have been rash (and maybe childish to say the least) and I took her off of my facebook and myspace....oops or maybe not so oops.

 

Less than a few hours later...I get an email from her saying "that was kinda out of the blue..." to which I have not responded explaining my actions. (this was the first contact shes given me in about 2 weeks) I thought about replying and letting her know everything that has been going on...but then I realized that I would have been an opportunist, using my actions just to get back in touch with her. Plus, I don't want her to think that she has me wrapped around her finger which is what would have probably happened if i told her the real reason I did what I did ("It hurts a bit still seeing your pictures and I really don't want a way to see whats going on in your life in this healing time").

 

I am still wanting to maintain no contact. Should I explain anything? or should I maintain NC. (note that now, there is really no crying need to contact her but I just do not want to drive her away completely)

 

Was I wrong in doing what I did?

 

 

 

I knew the last post seemed like the LAST one but hahahah it is an ongoing process I guess. Glad to be back!

[blender]

It's always a good idea to delete the ex from myspace or your buddy list or whatever, as long as you are doing this for you, so you can move on (I know you did it hoping to provoke some reaction in her) and well, that's an "expectation", but for now, just let that go, yes you did get some response she texted you saying "that was out of the blue"

 

so you know she's thinking about you, wondering, BUT, a lot of times this first reaction is about HER, just her ego, her loss of knowing that you're "just there", so it's a good thing that you removed her from those lists, Just don't go putting them back on it a day later..

 

stick to it, trying to move on, and no you won't push her further away by trying to get on with your life, but you will push her further away if you do things to intentionally try an "provoke" her.. do you know what I mean?

 

So for right now there is no reason to tell her "what's going on".. because SHE HAS NOT ASKED.... I've said it on here a million times, if the ex is not intentionally clearly asking "tell me how your feeling, and what's going on".

 

then they are probably just making contact to "alleviate thier curiosity"...

 

SO then there is no reason to break "no contact" just so you can "alleviate thier curiosity" and then the ex feels all better and you are back at square one with your healing... so for today, maintain no contact, be in acceptance that she is not intentionally making an effort to "work on the relationship" and for now you are powerless over that, so take control of yourself and stick with no contact, and let go with love for today,,

[NorCaSpinna]

Hi again, Blender,

 

I actually did this more for myself than anything. I did not even really expect a reaction. A lot of the setbacks in my healing I found were looking at her page and seeing the new pictures or finding out about new developments in her life.

 

And today, I have found that I think about her less than I did without the availability of seeing her pages. I have been thinking more about moving on and self improvement than anything.

 

At this point...i'd say my armor is growing stronger. I was surprised at my ability to simply brush off her email and not give in to responding. The weekend helped too. I feel that there is less of a need to get in contact with her. I am also finding it easier to let go of the hope of us being something again through purposely trying to revisit the feelings I had when I broke up with her originally (which are becoming easier to see)

 

Thanks for your reply and its good to be back!

[blender]

YOU are doing great, feel empowered now that SHE made the last contact, this is your catalist for keeping on keeping on.. you know what I mean? I remember after my break up, after six months of crying my eyes out, my friends couldn't take it anymore and so one of them suggested that I go through anything in my place that was a 'reminder" of the ex, and put it all in a box and put it in the garage.. so I did just that, it gave me a sense of empowerment, control over my emotions, and a step to healing...

 

It takes a while to "let go" of what once was, but the good news is, if it's you and the ex are going to cross paths again in the future, no contact right now is the BEST thing you can do to establish your own self respect to move on OR to ever reconcile. Trust this, and let go for today, you're doing great.

[NorCaSpinna]

It's funny you mention the box. I had a basket of everything she had gotten me ..pictures, reciepts from anniversary dinners, even a plastic container of some hair gunk she had gotten me to apologize for a fight once(probably wouldn't open it again now yuck.) I immediately found the most secure place in my house that I knew i wouldn't go to that much...and now it resides in a crawlspace above one of the rooms in the house. It has helped in keeping my mind as far away as I can. Doing what I did with the myspace, etc has helped me as well. Being the first day back and with actual time to do things, I have not thought of her nearly as much because I don't have access to her pictures to remind me anymore.

 

And you're right about her making the last contact. I didn't think about it at the time. Things have been good. The world in front of me is starting to look brighter. And i don't think it's just because of the weather

[NorCaSpinna]

So.....

 

I have been doing a great deal better (as mentioned in my previous posts) and last night was..almost weird.

 

Some new friends and I go to this bar..and one of the friends that meets us there (at this point I swear I've never seen her before) looks at me, drops her jaw and says "I KNOW YOU!" I immediately see a big smile and a cute face. It turns out she is the sister of a girl I went to Jr. High and Elementary school with.

 

So we start talking. Turns out we both have just gotten out of relationships. We also are both into the same music, have both played guitar for a while and are both into doing charity/volunteer work. To top it off, she is such a sweet girl.

 

I haven't hinted towards anything yet but all I can say is...it's weird how things (might) work out

 

I'll keep you posted!

 

 

Erik

[TrynToGetBy]

Congrats Erik! I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Just keep taking it one day at a time.

[NorCaSpinna]

This past Saturday was eventful.

 

So a group of friends (including girl mentioned in last post) and I went to a restaurant and bar that night. While at the bar, the girl and I were talking and after my friends had showed up, she asked me to go on a walk with her. Long story short, she essentially said that she was interested in me and wanted to see if I had the same feelings. I told her how I felt and how I thought that she was an awesome girl. We agreed to a date.

 

So the next day, I thought I would wake up happy and refreshed. The COMPLETE opposite. I felt almost as sad as I had been when i wrote the first post. To make matters worse, I had a dream when taking a midday nap about her. It was the most vivid dream to date. We essentially were sitting down and I was hearing her tell me about her new life (boyfriends, dates, etc) after me. I realized how much I really miss her and could not be excited about this new girl.

 

Monday has come and I am still feeling the same way. I am wanting to break NC so bad so I can at least tell her that I still care (even though i deleted her off of myspace and facebook and gave her no explanation why as my last "move" in the NC game)

 

This new girl is great, she really is. Sweet, kind, caring. The only problem is that her parents are very strict and keep her on curfews even though she is in her early 20's. To almost make matters worse, her parents know me from when I was going to elementary school and Private Christian Jr. high school with her older sister. So now I have a larger reputation to live up to. In my last relationship, my ex was independent and lived on her own and having the obstacle of parents might put a bar on the relationship. The last thing I want to do is hurt this girl.

 

What should I do?

[Scout]

I don't think you're ready to get serious with this girl, if ever. (I agree with your concerns, that's quite odd for a twenty-something girl to be under such restrictions.)

 

Friend, you're trying to hurry up the healing process, and the bad news is, there's some pain you gotta go through. You are not out of the woods yet. There are some things you have to think about and lessons to learn and take away from. Burying all that in a new relationship is also known as a r.e.b.o.u.n.d.

 

And the new relationship almost never works out, by the way. Then you're left with the other person hurting and a burned bridge.

 

My advice, don't go there. It's too soon.

[onelittleladybug]

First of all I completely agree with Scout. This is not a time to start dating someone, she sounds like a sweet girl and she sounds like shes really been protected so she could potentially get very hurt. I think you should back off but I also think you should tell her why, that you are simply not ready to date again.

 

Secondly - this:

 

...(even though i deleted her off of myspace and facebook and gave her no explanation why as my last "move" in the NC game)

 

NC isnt a game. Its a way to help you heal. I think that if I was in her shoes I would think that the reason you took her off your facebook was that you were either a) still too angry to talk to her, or b) that you dont care anymore. Both a and b doesnt really make you look good to her. I would definitely have responded when she asked you why you removed her from your sites.

[NorCaSpinna]

She never really asked why (also game was a bad term to use...) She just sent me an email saying "that was kinda out of the blue..." This was the only communication she had with me in about a 3 week period. I did what i did simply for the reason of eliminating the hurt I got from seeing her new pictures and potentially finding of new developments in her life (dates, new crushes, etc.)

 

even though she sent me the email a week ago, would it be advisable to tell her why I did what I did and break almost a month of NC?

[blender]

No, do not break no contact to explain it... she did NOT ask you WHY, she simply made an irresponsible contact without any clear intention of asking you why.. that way it's not her responsibility if YOU choose to respond..see what i mean? That is why it is so important to let this go... keep her off your "lists" and keep putting one foot in front of the other... contacting her now to explain you are not contacting her, usually makes the ex just roll thier eyes.. and then you have to be 'waiting" to see if she responds, and then you start your healing all over again..

 

Remember if the ex is really wanting to "try again" they will communicate exactly that... and she hasn't done that. So let her comment of "that was out of the blue" go, if she is "discovering" she has authentic feelings for you then nothing will stop her from contacting you... her comment in that last email was just "curiosity" and your too vulnerable right now to contact her just to "alleviate" her "curiosity"...

 

when and if she is "serious" about making an intentional effort to be in your life, she will not hesitate to responsibily contact you in an email or by calling, and especially by "asking" and not just making a statement ..

 

Right now just stay the course, take care of you.. if she were truly honestly wanting to communicate she will do so... this lame email was nothing more than her responding to HER OWN EGO... do not take it personally..

[onelittleladybug]

I agree with Blender that you shouldnt email now. But I dont think there was anything lame about her email, she might have just been surprised that you did this so late after the fact.

 

Its so easy for us dumpees to constantly criticize and put down what the dumpers did. I just think its better to not do that and try to see things from their point of view.

 

Now that I am really healing after my breakup, I remember things very well that have happened to me where I was in the other situation. This one guy I wasn't into (we weren't dating, we just had a short fling) was really mad at me and behaved really irrationally. I remember how I felt about that afterwards, I was just really uncomfortable, had no respect for him and avoided him. Another guy kept calling obsessively and trying to get me back by making me feel sorry for him. Needless to say I never ever wanted to talk to him again. I'm TOTALLY not saying you are like this and I'm not like that either. I'm just remembering these extreme situations. I think the coolest thing you could ever do would be to be graceful and giving and try to get to that place where you can leave your door open without either pushing her or pushing her away. I think doing this nc where you completely shut people out, don't answer their emails etc is kinda like pushing someone away. But then again thats just my opinion.

 

BTW - I might be coming off too strong about this, I dont really think its a huge deal that you didnt reply to her email. It sounds like one of those emails that you can choose whether to reply or not. But I just wouldnt make a habit out of ignoring her and I wouldnt treat nc as a game.

[NorCaSpinna]

So, went out on my first date since my breakup....It was fun. At the end though, I told her what I was going through in my healing. Getting out of a 3 year relationship recently herself, she said she understood. I told her essentially where I was and that I did not want to hurt her. She said she would still like to see me but knows that it will have to be something slow. REALLY slow.

 

 

...I feel like im stuck..I almost feel like I need my ex to tell me that she's officially done with me or that she wantsto get back together....Being in the middle is the most difficult thing and I dont think that I will be able to enjoy any kind of dating or even relationships fully until I know for sure how she feels about us...if she even sees an us at any time in the future..

 

Hopefully time will change this but for right now, I'm in a rut.

[blender]

The choices and actions of your ex tell you where she stands right now, and that is on her "own"... and you can do the same, and if you feel you are not ready to date, that is because you might simply not be "ready" whether your ex comes back into your life at some point or not.. you still have to "live" and make a choice to move forward.. not away from this person or that person..just forward for yourself..

 

you won't ever "lose" anything of "meaning" by making a choice to move "forward" and "live your own life"with respect for others.. and thier choices..

 

for now, your ex is not making an intentional effort to be a part of your life, so that is the "truth" right now.. and that may be painful, and I'm so sorry you are in this heartache, but 'acceptance' of what it IS for "right now" will set you free.

 

you are free..it's your "thought pattern" that's becoming a bad unhealthy habit... so try, just try to break this pattern of thought.. and trust that your ex is on her own life journey and so are you..

 

and if love is meant to be for you together in the future, it will be because you both decide to make an intentional effort to do so.. and right now, she is not 'doing so"... so go out and live... and grow.. and heal... and all will be exactly as it should be, the best is ahead of you not behind you...it's all about "acceptance" not "resistance".