I don't get it

[pacopaco]

last night I was sitting with a friend of mine when my phone rang. This being enotalone, you all know it was the ex. we broke up in februaury, on account of her affair with the boss. I let the machine pick up the call. She said she was just calling to let me know she found a place to live. She had been looking since we broke up. Now, this morning, I do feel good for her, but I wonder: what am i supposed to do? I know I could call her and congradulate her. That would be the thing to do, sure. What I really want to know is, why does she want mer to know this? She's been in my life all year long, and hasn't left me alone, until three weeks ago when she initiated NC. so what's the information for?

[cherries]

can you email her? do that rather than returning the call. a quick email saying "hey, that's great. thanks for letting me know!" is all you need to send, if anything.

[Jayar]

She's being silly... She wants to make sure you haven't forgotten her. She wants to hear from you, maybe even wants to see you. What she likely doesn't want is to get back together with you. Unless she says so. Then you can decide what you want to do about you guys.

 

My advice is unless and until her message says "I miss you, love you, and want to get back together with you" then everything else is just noise.

[saint_saul]

She probably just got the urge to call you, and that seemed like something noteworthy to say. Calling her back would be the gentlemenly thing to do, but writing an email would be better in my opinion -- easier, quicker, and it doesn't imply anything.

[Scout]

Did you ask her why she called? She's the direct source of information on this one.

[pacopaco]

no. i didn't ask her why she called. that would mean having to call her. I do feel good for her, and it doesn't bother me that she called, but it does burn me with curiosity. I haven't written or called. I was thinking of ignoring her, actually; not to spite, but just because i don't know what I am supposed to be getting from her calling me to tell me she has a place to live.

[Scout]

Well, next time she calls, if she does, ask her.

[kekep]

i think she was just making up an excuse to call. i know it feels good that she misses you, but i agree with the poster who said unless she's calling to say she can't live without you and wants to try again, you should ignore it. if she wants, she can call again.

[pacopaco]

i think she was just making up an excuse to call. i know it feels good that she misses you, but i agree with the poster who said unless she's calling to say she can't live without you and wants to try again, you should ignore it. if she wants, she can call again.

 

 

see that's the thing. it isn't all that much of an ego boost fro me. I don't even know that she does miss me, that's why it has me wondering why she'd call to tell me. I mean what's next, "wanna come over?" that would be weird for me right now.

[pacopaco]

see here's the thing. If she had left me alone all this time since Februaury, I'd be happier to hear from her. I told her that 80% of my hurt and anger comes not from what she did, but how she handled it afterward. She han't left me alone, and I understand the pain she went through. She hurt herself, too, and she has self-eteem issues, that have nothing to do with me. She still works at the same place, her boss is still there, too. To me, her calling me, is "not leaving me alone." She's holding on to me, I feel. I don't like the feeling. Even if she does love me and misses me, I don't think she's felt the loss of me to know she loves me.

I really do feel good for her that she has found her place to live. she needs it, and her space, and I hope she can now face things she neds to face. She has a lot of fear, I know. to me though, I just don't get it.

[kekep]

Even if she does love me and misses me, I don't think she's felt the loss of me to know she loves me.

 

You're exactly correct. Even though you two are no longer together, it seems like she still desires a connection with you. Whatever her motives may be, bottom line is, she betrayed you. And you can't allow her have her cake and eat it too. She is being selfish by calling you. What she wants is to make sure she still has some kind of a hold on you, and that's preventing you from fully moving on from this. As painful as it is to not hear from my ex right now, I know he is doing me a favor by not giving me any hope. I think I'd be angry and confused if he did call b/c it would get in the way of my healing. I say, let her sort through her own issues alone or with this a**hole boss of hers, b/c that was the choice that she made.

[L.J.]

Hi there,

I responded to your previous thread where you talked about a joint ownership of a new car. Has it been taken care of and did she refinance the car to her name? You had also mentioned that you are not interested to have her back in your life.

 

 

 

She took a loan in your name and bought a car, cheated on you two months later with her boss, why are you more concerned about congratulating her rather than protecting yourself? Disregard all attempts to email or search for answer as to why she's not leaving you alone for now. You can revisit this later. More important than not, the priority is get your name out of the loan, find out whether or not, payments are being in a timely manner. Check to see if your credit has been affected.

[pacopaco]

oh yeah, She is taking care of the loan. I have access to the account, and as far as payments go, she's ok. She's paid on time.My name will be removed.

I was just puzzled as to why I got a call about her new place in the first place.

[L.J.]

I was just puzzled as to why I got a call about her new place in the first place.

 

That with you is past care, Paco.

Would it mean things are past redress when the puzzle is solved?

[pacopaco]

That with you is past care, Paco.

Would it mean things are past redress when the puzzle is solved?

 

huh? what does that mean? I'm not pining over the fact she called. It just made me curious as to how people hold on to things, even other people. In my mind, she's become a kind of concept. I know she exists, lives and breathes. To her, it seems to me that I am very much more still, than a concept. I'm not trying to give my ego boost, but I guess that's what is called "holding on." She knows she messed up, and has apologized to me so many times. I won't deny that I don't care for her, and I have forgiven her for a lot, but I also know I can keep going forward.

I have been having such a great day today, and I am happy for her that she now has a place to live. Call it love, or call it moving on, but I am glad for her. I just didn't know how to react to getting such information. I liken it to being handed a bag and told "here you go," then I turn around and say "here I go what?"

[L.J.]

It mean just that. Solving the puzzle isn't going to redress the past, nor would it change things for you, so why care? Pinning down the fact doesn't change the fact, so why bother?

 

People hold on to things because they can, they hold on to people because those whom they held onto permit it. In concept, no, she's not trying to boost your ego. She's trying to put a leash on you. In that, she's making herself a treasure trove and you, you're allowing your curiosity to be continually roused. Curiosity killed the cat and it's going to kill again.

 

That said, Paco, deal with the issue at hand. If you truly believe you don't care for her anymore, set yourself free.