Almost like panic attack, really want to break NC but know I shouldn't.

[stunned]

Tomorrow will mark the first week of NC, which I imposed on myself. Tuesday marked the first week that my ex of almost 7 years left in secret. I'm on a real downer this morning, almost feels like a panic attack. (Mornings are proving to be the worst for me. I used to sleep well, but now I can only seem to get 5 hours, no matter how tired I try to make myself.) I have a real longing to break the NC and contact her to see how she's doing.

 

Despite my best efforts not to think about her, I'm worrying about my ex. I'm fairly far from my extended family and don't have friends staying here for the holiday so I'm alone with nothing but my memories and worries. My ex left because her oldest daughter asked her to move in to help watch that daughter's grandchild. My ex has had a very stormy relationship with that daughter's husband; he actually kept my ex from having contact with her daughter for more than a year after they had an argument. That daughter's family is now having money problems, which is why they asked my ex to return to babysit--they can't afford daycare. I'm worried that it won't take long for another row to break out with that son-in-law. I'm just hoping he doesn't get physically abusive. (My ex gf's granddaughter, the mother of the "baby" she's now watching, did accuse this man of physically attacking her when she was a teenager but nothing came of the charges, possibly because my ex's daughter pressured the girl to recant her allegations.) I now find myself wondering if my ex is having any problems. I know that I need to not think of my ex and focus on myself, but this is very hard.

 

I've been getting out everyday, I'll do so today, too. Unfortunately, after today, we're going to have a fairly bad storm, which is to last til the weekend and deliver snowy, icy weather, so I will probably stay put.

 

How does everyone else cope with this? I've been talking to my extended family. but at a week out they're not really wanting to hear about the end of my relationship with the ex. Thank god for this forum, it helps to read other's posts. I think I'd be climbing the walls without this forum.

[robowarrior]

Well, i think you should bring the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in your hands. The whole thing and family seems like a shattered crystal, everything is so spread out, and although you hold your ex dear, it seems that everyone seems detached from eachother due to problems from the past. Personally i believe that you should detach yourself from here, and build structure in your life, and bring order into chaos, and a firm fundament to stand on for your life. This because with the lack of it, it will be hard to make any relationship stand for an extended period of time.

[stunned]

Thanks robowarrior. I guess I'm so low right now because there's no one around to reach out to because of the holiday. It also doesn't help that the weather is so depressing. I've been trying to stay busy, but this week a number of my friends have left town so personal contact with others has been diminished. I'm making a point to run errands and chitchat with strangers, but no friends are available. I guess that's why I've been thinking about the ex and worrying about her. Truthfully, I'll be glad when this week is over. I really be glad when we're done with the holidays, period. This year they're going to be especially hard.

[laboheme]

It sounds like you're doing a good job of getting out of the house...But I can see how it would be difficult to find things to do with most people being away for the holidays. Read the thread that Scout just started about being alone this Thanksgiving...she suggests visiting a home for the elderly, and I think it's a splendid idea. You'll be making other lonely people happy...and getting a little less lonely yourself in the process!

[kekep]

don't break NC, you'll go back to square uno.

[stunned]

Thanks everyone, I agree that I must stay busy. The suggestion of visiting a nursing home or hospital is good. I stayed busy with a new not-for-profit last Friday and Saturday and they were 2 of my better days since this happened. Weather permitting, I'll try to get out and visit the local nursing home. I'm hoping that we don't get the snow, ice and cold that the weather service is predicting. Thank you all for the emotional support.