9 year old upset over MIA father

[dnjgardiner]

The past 9 years with my oldest sons dad has been a rollercoaster. One day he is going to be a father, the next he is not. He does not like to pay his child support, he likes to avoid it. I have had many discussions with him and told him that I will not press the child support issue (nag him about it) if he will at least show up every other weekend to see his son. He was good about it for about a year, then I got married. The day I got married he stopped coming around all together. The first two years of my marriage, he saw his son on Christmas and birthday, THATS IT. Finally, I decided that I was going to write a letter to child support enforcement and have a federal warrent issued on him. (we could not find him) The federal marshalls found him and he started coming to see him again. He has been really good for the past year about coming and getting him for the weekend... sometimes every weekend. Two weeks ago, he called on Thursday and told me that he was coming to pick him up on Friday afternoon and that he had mailed out a money order for his child support. Friday came, no dad... saturday... no dad. No phone calls nothing. My son has been trying to call him everyday, sometimes more than once a day, and he will not pick up the phone. Tonight my son was very emotional about everything.. every little thing would make him cry. I sat down and asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he was upset about his dad. I then got out the cell phone and sent him a text message telling him that he needed to call him. I then called his other kids mom and asked her if she had heard from him... she had not. We tried to call him again and he has shut off his cell phone. PLEASE, I NEED SOME ADVICE TO GIVE TO MY SON.... I don't know what to say to him without hurting him even more.

[sonjam]

Are you sure he's avoiding you, maybe something did happen to him? How about giving him up as a missing person at the police? At least you know somebody else is also looking for him, (it might even comfort your son somewhat, because if he's dad is missing (horrible as it may be) at least it is not because he is avoiding your son..)

[Mamasita]

What a heartbreaking situation to be in as a mum, seeing your son (who will always be your baby) hurting over what seems to him as rejection from an uncaring father.

 

I could go off on a tangent about what a dropkick his dad is being... but thats pointless, the main thing is your boy. if i were you i would explain to him that his dad loves him and will always love him, but that he's been through a lot and probably suffers a lot of guilt from not being the father he should (and possibly wishes he could be). i would say to him not to expect too much from him and to enjoy the time that he does spend with him and not worry about it too much.

 

his dad will realise one day what he has missed, how irresponsible and hurtful he has been to his son, and that will always be between them. it sounds like he's in a situation where he must be an embaressment to his own self, so how can he be man enough to be there for his children? maybe he dosnt want them to hear or see him in the state he's in. it could be a lot of things, but the main thing is for your son to know he cares.

 

maybe encourage his dad to write him a heartfelt letter so that when he is down and out and doubting whether his dad cares, he has something to hold on to?

 

i hope things work out for the best, my heart really goes out to you. if my ex did this to our boy, i think "i" would be the reason he's gone under the radar, i may have him tied up in a basement somewhere getting sense kicked back into him only joking.

 

xxReese

[BeStrongBeHappy]

oh, this is so sad, but so common! there are so many men who only want the kids if they are part of a situation where he lives in and has a relationship with the mother.

 

so child support payments and visitations with his son should really not be connected. i think you should really make it clear to your son that child support payments are NOT required to allow access of his father to him... and if a father is so irresponsible that he would blow his own son off for the sake of saving money, then that is so hard, but you need to try to get your son in counseling so that he can understand that some fathers are so immature, that they cannot deal with children, no matter how much the children deserve a loving father.

[n83]

I think you should have a long, honest talk with your son. He's old enough now that he knows what he's missing. You can explain to him that although his dad loves him very much, he's having a hard time being the kind of great father that your son deserves. Encourage him to talk to you about his feelings. Is there anyone else that you have in your life that could serve as a male role model for him?

[piegirl]

I have a similar situation with my 8 year old twins father. We divorced when the girls were 18 months old. Their father moved several times and would call when it was convient for him. He would coem to see them for a couple of months every other weekend. Then we would not hear from him for 6 months to a year.

 

We had not heard from him for a little over year until right after christmas last year. He called me and gave the same old story that he had been busy with his new wife and her 2 kids and the one that they have together. He just had not had the time to deal with us was exactly what he said.

 

I got angry and tired of the disappointment that my children were going through. So I told him to do the girls a favor and stay away. I told him that he was doing them more harm than not having him around would do.

 

That was almost a year ago now. The girls talk every now and then about him. It is hard. I will not put him down to them. I will not talk badly about him.

 

I feel that I made the right decision for their sake. They have no expactations from him now so they cannot be disappointed. One day I will explain to them what I did and why. Hopefully they will understand.

 

Good luck with this is a very tough thing to go through..

[ImThatGirl]

Not sure I have any suggestions for you but thought I'd chime in....

 

My son is 6.5. Since he was 6 months old, his dad has been quite inconsistant sometimes going weeks without contact (or more.) I really want my son to know his father and have a relationship with him.

 

Since my son was really young, I've explained in an age appropriate manner that Daddy just isn't available. That yes, he is his dad, loves him very much, but is either not feeling well or busy with work. I constantly reminded my son of the positives in life when he was feeling down. Basically giving him a chance to express his emotions but then divert his attention. This has worked well.

 

At this point, my son knows his father and visits with him a little. I've never told my son anything negative about his dad. I've allowed him to draw his own conclusions. (With my support and shoulder to lean on.) My son basically knows what to expect from his dad. He loves him unconditionally and knows he will get to spend time with his dad but knows that his dad isn't the same kind of parent that I am.

 

My plan that's worked --> When he's upset, console, support, allow time to voice. When he's had a chance to express, postitive outlook and reminders. Never argue or track his dad down in front of him. (His dad and my discussions are private and not meant for little ears.)

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand why you said CS isn't as big of an issue. Yes we need the financial support but more than anything, our little guys need their father...

 

Hugs~