Update...another Step Nearer Success!!

[futychick]

Hi all...

took a lot of thought before I posted this as I know its some good news and I dont want people to be offended...BUT I remember how I saved success stories from this site... in my favourites on my computer so that when I was feeling really down I could read them and give myself hope....

 

update on my situation....

my husband and I have been separated 7 mths....he left me...and told me he wanted to be alone...we had virtually no contact for 3 mths..then started seeing each other for coffee..once a mth..until 1 mth ago...then we started seeing each other twice a week...

well..my good news is ...that in a few weeks we are going to our favourite romantic hotel to stay overnight....to spend our wedding anniversary together..!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a massive step..and Im SO happy I feel I ve won the lottery....

We still have a long way to go....and im trying to be patient but when I think back to 5/6/7 mths ago..we have made so much progress..

Sometimes we dont see the progress we have made as our ex might only take small steps towards us....but it all counts..

what helped me was to write down EVERY positive move he made..rather than discount every one of his actions..then i could look back and see how things had improved...

I have realised we are not going to go from been separated to been madly romantic again...it takes lots of baby steps to make the long journey !!!

 

Im also still wary as i realise we are still not living together as man and wife yet...but im trying to be positive...

 

and heres the weird bit !!!.anyone heard of cosmic ordering ??? Well Idid my cosmic ordering back in May...a bit sceptical..but thoguht i nothing to lose....

 

guess what I ordered ????...for us to spend our anniv night together !!!!! wrote it all down back in May..when we were seriously heading for a divorce.....weird but very true...

 

hope i not upset anyone by been excited abt my news...

 

my thoughts and love are with you all....

 

futy xxx

[brando]

Congratulations, you two seem to have come a long way. Best wishes to a full reconciliation. Thanks for sharing...

[chai714]

Futy,

 

There's little good news we hear about here, but your news is fantastic. Hope things work out between you two in the long run. Have fun.

[onelittleladybug]

Futy I'm so very happy for you. Thats great! I admire your dedication and optimism. He is lucky to have you.

 

My ex wants to meet and spend some time together. He's in pretty far away now and would have to fly in so its going to take time before thats possible. I'm letting him figure out the logistics and I'm pretty relaxed and just attending to my own life. I don't know what this means really or what will come out of meeting. I'm just taking it at a face value but I definitely think that its important to be positive just like you said. I feel like he goes two steps forward - one step back these days. I would rather focus on the steps taken towards instead of away.

 

I'm at the point where I am no longer desperate to get back together, there are many very exciting things happening in my life and getting back together would most likely mean relocating for me. While we have been apart some very exciting things have happened in my career and it will be even harder to leave. My ex and I were engaged and lived together 2 years and I would like to work things out between us but if it doesn't work out I have a lot of other things now that make me happy.

[futychick]

Hiya all and thanks for your good wishes etc...

 

to try reply to some q's..

we had virtually no contact for 11 weeks....altho it became obvious to me after 2 weeks that my husband was having some sort of depression/ mid life crisis..as he text me telling me he was crying all the time...he seemed SO sure he wanted to be alone when he left but i just got the feelin that the doubt was beginning to creep in to his mind..

 

he left in the April and we had little contact ..just texts here and there...it was me that did the texting to start with...i guess it goes against everything that was said on here..but part of it was becos i was worried abt his state of mind...

i asked him to meet for a coffee in June ..it was awkward and he was very nervous as was I ...we talked abt the family, work etc..and that was it..

i knew then that he still loved me..i could see it in his eyes..and i resolved then not to give up on him and me gettting back together...

i knew he left for reasons that really was not abt me and him...it was the fact he couldnt cope with a relationship as he felt trapped...

plus he told me he was waiting for counselling...

we then met abt once a mth for a walk with his dog (which he left here with me)...we went out for a meal once or twice...

during these times together we kissed, hugged and held hands while out walking....he was still edgy but it felt he was moving closer to me...

then in Sept we just started meeting once a week..then 1 mth ago we started to meet 2xweek..

 

yes it was usually me that initiated the meets but I did something in Oct that changed him....I CHANGED ME....

i didnt mean to do it..but while on the phone with him i suddenly got fed up of it all....and i told him...i told him that i was going to get on with my life with or without him...told him i understood he was depresed but he was dragging me down now...

he was really upset and told me he would start trying m,ore and put more effort into his counselling etc...

I also started over the last few mths dropping memories into the conversation...good memories....to try and remind him what he was losing...

 

AND the main thing is I never stopped been positive abt us...yes i have cried every day since he has gone..but i am a great believer in positive thinking..and self fullfilling propechy etc etc....so i try to visualise us been together again.....

 

lady bug..i hope so much that you too can be positive even tho you may not feel it inside..this is a long process that is hard and it hurts....but if we can get to the other side then it is worth it....

 

my love and thoughts to you all

 

futy xxx

[papalazarou]

Futy. Congrats. This thread has hit a particular chord with me because my "ex" is currently suffering from depression. However she is doing something about it and is currently on medication.

 

Like you say im moving on with my life and she knows this but at the same time I drop into conversations about the good times. The other day she dug out a photo of me and her at my work ball a few months ago and stuck it on her mirror "to remind her of happier times".

 

I let her initiate contact with me and not the other way around so its kind of quasi NC.

 

However she does know Im out there doing my thing - out with friends etc etc but out of respect im not sleeping round or anything like that which I could easily do as there are many 'pick up' joints where I live.

[futychick]

hi papa

 

my husband is getting help for depresion but as you know it cantake some time to work thro.

 

i think its important to keep focusiing on the 'good times' especially for our depressed partners as it is too easy for them to get sucked down into this spiral of depression by thinking only of negative things...

SO....if your ex is looking at photos of your good times toghether that is good for her and also for your relationship...

when my husband and i have been out for walk,,,meal or anything really..then we always have a good time..adn i make sure i am happy and upbeat...

he always says our days out together are the best days he has had in a long time..in a way i try to recreate the good times we had together...even to revisit old places ...i know this has an effect on him...and slowly he is becoming the 'old' husband that i had before this'alien' took over his head....!!!!

 

you do very well to let her initiate the calls....i foun that hard for me to do..and luckily the fact that i initiated most of our contact has not had a bad effect on him....in fact sumtimes he seems pleased that i rung him...its almost as if he were too scared to do it himself...

 

i hope things go well for you...

 

love and hugs

 

futy xx

[papalazarou]

you do very well to let her initiate the calls....i foun that hard for me to do..and luckily the fact that i initiated most of our contact has not had a bad effect on him....in fact sumtimes he seems pleased that i rung him...its almost as if he were too scared to do it himself...

 

i hope things go well for you...

 

love and hugs

 

futy xx

 

 

Thanks futy! It means alot. I think when depression is thrown in to the equation its not a clear case of go NC....

 

As for the initiate contact if I know she wasnt "well" the nite before then I will contact her to check she is OK. Then I will leave her to make contact. We had this discussion that if she dont hear from me she knows its not because I dont care but I understand she does not need pressure and needs space sometimes.

 

I would say that I am not "dangling" because I am doing my own thing and i am not seeing her everytime she wants to. But she does know that I am there for her, especially if she is getting a panic attack or paranoia or just generally cannot cope.

[futychick]

yes papa...you are right..re the NC thing...

 

there are some circumstances whereby it isnt the right thing to do ..and i guess each of us know in our heart what is right for us...

 

depression only complicates things as well...i went to see a counsellor to try and understand what depression m ust be like and what i can do to help...

my counsellor said its like they have an alien who has taken over their body and mind..and that everytime my ex says something hurtful then i have to remember its the 'alien' talking/....

i guess that applies if we know there is still love/ care there...so we know there is hope.

she also said that i should treat him like you would a child who is trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle....detach from them...and let them work it out themselves.

the problem with depression is those affected live in a very negative world...its all doom and gloom....that s why i try to suggest nice things to do with my husband...go places he likes etc cos i know it may help him see a brighter world than the one he is living in his 'cave' at the moment...

i know many people say you shudnt send cards/ gifts..etc....but i have...and my husband said he really appreciated it..it made him feel loved at a time when he felt very lonely...i didnt give him expensive gifts just little meaningful ones....like a small bar of his favourite chocolate...or some relaxing bubble bath...just things to lift his mood....

 

its hard going tho..isnt it ??? God knows i get depressed just thinking abt it !!!! LOL... BUT...God loves a tryer...and i certainly have tried...

 

i think that if you believe in your heart that your relationship was meant to be and there is love on both sides, even if it is buried in confusion then hang onto that !!!!!!

 

 

love and hugs

 

futy xx

[onelittleladybug]

Futy and Papa -

 

I wanted to tell you I think you both are doing the right thing and I also think that you are being incredibly brave. I once had an episode of short but intense depression and anxiety, I was a complete mess and I can tell you that picking up the phone to call someone when you feel like that is almost impossible. Just the thought of meeting people made me want to crawl into a closet and stay there forever. In many ways I think that your significant others are actually doing the "right" thing by separating because being around someone in this state 24/7 is really taxing on anyone and could eventually destroy the foundation of your relationship. I'm really touched by reading about both of you, its hard to be so giving and tolerant and supportive all the time. I don't think a good person could ever forget something like that. Being patient is underrated at this day and age. When you listen to people everyone is constantly asserting themselves and their needs and want everything now or they're gone.

 

"lady bug..i hope so much that you too can be positive even tho you may not feel it inside..this is a long process that is hard and it hurts....but if we can get to the other side then it is worth it...."

 

Thanks Futy, you are right. I've been kinda numb and its not the truth of how I feel. It takes time. And he is taking steps and I do feel positive about it but maybe a little bit afraid that its not real. My friends have been really negative towards him lately - they think he should run back. Its hard to listen to because I feel I need him to take more steps but I dont feel he needs or should run. I'm not sure running is good.

 

The holiday season here is already starting with thanksgiving tomorrow. I woke up this morning missing him a lot and feeling sad that we aren't spending it together. But I'm not really giving up, I'm just allowing myself to feel what I feel you know? And also I worked really hard on getting us back together and I just feel now that its time for me to step back and let him take over.

[kellbell]

Hey futy,

 

I remember you from the spring. I am so glad things have improved. That is wonderful news! Keep us all updated!

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Great to hear your progress. I hope all will turn out fine.

 

I had a depressed ex who broke up with me because his parents disapproved of our relationship. His parents went as far as checking his handphone and having password to his email account.

He went to China to teach English and I did not have any news from him anymore.

 

Do I still have a chance? Will depression cause him to not able to contact me? Thank you.

[papalazarou]

Hi Futy!

 

Thats what Im doing. In the words or Mr Incredible: "Saving the world a day at a time!"

 

I know she loves me because she has said it enough times and I know that with what she is going thru she cant lie about something like that!

 

Guest: How long were you together and how long have you been separated now?

[futychick]

Guest....in my experience if someone is depressed they act totally out of character...when my husband says /does someting that is unusal for him i say its the 'alien talking' not him !!!!

 

he told me today that when he feels low he cant contact me...as he cant find the effort...its too much for him.....he prefers to stay in his 'cave' where he feels safe....BUT he seems happy most times when i contact him.....

 

he also said its like having a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder....he has all these conflicting thoughts running thro his head...and sometimes cant make what shud be an easy decsion

 

i have also learnt that sometimes he says things that he doesnt mean ..they can be quite hurtful things...but i have to try and ignore them...

 

yes am still heartbroken...but have big progress i think..

 

today i had to visit the hospital for tests on a breast lump...I got the all clear !!!!!!!! my husband was there with me..holding my hand and cuddling me when i cried....( with relief)..for a few hrs i think he forgot his own depression and concentrated on me and my problem....he was so strong for me...but i know 7 mths ago he wudnt have been like that....so he has improved

 

he took me out for a celebration dinner and he kept hugging me..and for a time it felt liek the old days..when we were 1st in love...

now im home without him..and i miss him....but feel today has been a good day in more ways than one...!!!!!

 

SO....guest..i do think there is always hope with someone who has depression...my husband says its like he is in a big fog....and every now and then it clears.....PATIENCE IS THE KEY....its a slow process.....but i just keep showing im here for him....and i think he really appreciates it....and today..when i neeeded him..he was there for me....how I love him !!!!!

 

good luck guest....

love to you all...

 

futy xxxxx

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Great to hear that your husband are supportive.

 

Papa, we are 2 years together. 1 out of the 2 are LDR.

Break up 3 months ago.

[papalazarou]

Guest: So you have been together awhile then.

 

Have you not had any contact at all in that 3 months??

 

If you have not...it might now be a good idea to make contact (if you can) who knows he may want you to make the "first move". Everyone is different.