Hard time with gf's sexual past, even though mine is worse!!!

[herewegoagain]

The title of the post says it all. I know it's wrong to feel that way. Any suggestions?

[lovecrazy]

sorry to say it but sounds like you have a double standard, on women and men sleeping around.

 

I mean you have 16 she has 9..just try and put it out of your mind. If you cant get over her past love life, have you thought about her getting over yours? Since you have had more than her? I dont say that to be mean, but if you keep thinking about it, it might just start BS fights. So let it go. I mean she sounds like she has standards, since she waited a while to sleep with you.

 

My ex had about 10 times the about of partners you have had, and I got past it. And if you add the two number is your post together you about have my number. But Honestly things in the past, are best left in the past. You live and learn, ya know?

 

Hope that helped, and again I wasnt trying to be rude, just honest.

[luvursmile]

I dont think 9 is that bad, cosidering she's in her mid-late 30's. Thats less than one partner a year if she started becoming active even in her 20's.

Besides, the past should not matter....its in the past.

[MissyM]

9 is very few for someone in their late 30's!!! My number was double that when i was 19!!! I know I'm not a sl*t I just enjoyed being young and enjoyed my freedom!

[herewegoagain]

Lovecrazy - what you said is totally right. I do know that I am wrong having a double standard. That's why I am posting my problem. I wanted people like you to talk some sense in to me. I guess the only thing that bothers me is the fact that she portrayed herself as Miss Innocent (in a lot of ways).

[MissyM]

How did she portray herself as innocent?

[herewegoagain]

"How did she porteay herself as innocent?" Well, she said she is very picky with who she goes out with, hasn't been intimate in a long time, and she would make comments how she hates when her friends "hook up" with guys they just met at a bar. But she admitted the other night that she also "hooked up" a few times herself. Again, I've "hooked up" a lot more than a few times, so I know that it SHOULD NOT bother me, but it does. I know it's wrong, so I need to get over it, but it is hard for me.

[annie24]

well, if she's been sexually active since 18, that's like, 1 guy for every 2 years. more or less. that does sound like she's picky, after all, most women get approached by men far more often than once every 2 years.

 

I think you should decide right now if you are going to look past this or not. I know one post on enotalone by a guy who has been with his gf for 5 years, and she was his first, but she had 6 partners before him, and after 5 years of being together, he STILL wasn't over that, so he decided he was going to go out and cheat on her so he could feel better about his number. blah.

 

don't be that guy!

[herewegoagain]

Annie - I understand what you are saying. I will get over it. We just talked about this a few days ago, so it will just take a little time. It's not bothering me that much, but it does creep up in my mind sometimes. But I still care for her the same. And again, I'm honestly trying to figure out why I even care about all this, especially since my past is worse!!!! Why am I like this?

[cypress]

I learned a long time ago to never give numbers. No answer you can give is going to make your partner happy. Discussing disease is, however, a very important conversation and does not have much to do with the number of partners, but the level of protection used.

 

I think that you opened a can of worms. Learn from this discussion as it seems that you cannot handle your gf's honesty. I recommend that you do not ask questions when you are not going to like any answer you hear.

 

9 partners for a single person in their 30s is a low number. You also emphasized that you had to wait 4 months prior to having sex. Sounds like she held you off a bit which is why she has only slept with 9 people. I think that you are putting too much weight on this. You want sex before marriage but don't want the person you are sleeping with to have had other partners. REFLECT on this. It is great to have high standards, but hypocritical to expect someone having sex with you to have higher moral standards. Good luck.

[herewegoagain]

Cypress - I agree with you 100%. Thanks!

[cypress]

With the why are you like this question, I have a theory. Men want to feel like they are the best. Maybe the idea that she has had other men is making you wonder how you measure up? Just an idea.

 

As a girl, I can only guess.

[annie24]

you have to remember that all her past experiences have made her the woman she is today. and if you like who she is now, you shouldn't be mad at the experiences in her past that shaped her.

[MissyM]

Yeah I agree that discussing numbers is not a good plan. My bf lost his virginity with me, so I decided that he didn't need to know that I'd had over 20 partners.

[herewegoagain]

MissyM - did your bf ever ask about it? If so, what did you tell him?

[Iceman26]

With the why are you like this question, I have a theory. Men want to feel like they are the best. Maybe the idea that she has had other men is making you wonder how you measure up? Just an idea.

 

My theory is that most people like to pretend like they are an explorer exploring something new. When they find out that everything has been explored already, they feel a bit let down.

[MissyM]

MissyM - did your bf ever ask about it? If so, what did you tell him?

 

It was brought up in conversation, but I just said that for him to know wouldn't achieve anything and it was in the past anyway, so what did it matter.

 

We had this discussion after he found out that I'd had a one nighter with someone he knew. He got narky about it and I just tried to explain that it was years before I even met him, so how could I ever know what the future held for me.

For me, my past has moulded me into what I am today and if I hadn't had these experiences, then i wouldn't be the person I am. he loves me for me, so he should appreciate that it's my past that has made me into the person he loves!

[doyathink]

There should be a rule on this..don't ask and don't tell! This isn't something I would ever want to know or tell!

[madcar52]

Is your main issue her number of partners or the fact she portrayed herself to you as innocent in some of the details she has shared with you before, leading you to believe she was one way one and now you are questioning whether or not she is really the girls you like so much? (holy run on)

 

It's easy to read in to things too much Appreciate her honesty with you and keep communicating. It is only when we disclose what we are really like that people can be genuinely drawn to us or not so drawn to us..and that takes time. She may have said those things to impress you early on in your relationship...or maybe she is ashamed of some of the things she choose to do in the past, telling you she hates it when...who knows. Like I said, don't read in to it too much...keep getting to know eachother and enjoy your new relationship. Which should be based on the here and now and not anything from the past...unless of course she is a convicted felon...that may have relevance

[LostInMyThoughts]

All I can say, is if you both get tested and you both are clean, then what does it matter?

 

Maybe it's an ego thing for guys, but let me tell you, having a partner that has experience is a great thing.

[herewegoagain]

I tend to disagree with some of you who say you shouldn't ask the question of past number of partners. I think that a couple SHOULD know each others sexual past, and they have a right to know each other's "number." Wouldn't you want to know if your partner was with 100 people? I would want to know. wouldn't you??

[doyathink]

I tend to disagree with some of you who say you shouldn't ask the question of past number of partners. I think that a couple SHOULD know each others sexual past, and they have a right to know each other's "number." Wouldn't you want to know if your partner was with 100 people? I would want to know. wouldn't you??

 

Will you be content with what you find out? IF you choose to ask this question then be willing to accept the answer with an open mind. Being judgmental to the answer will only induce a reluctance on your partner part to be truthful later on when asked another confrontational question.

[southerngirl]

This is why I refuse to give out #s or discuss it with my partner.

 

Sure, on one hand I should tell him everything but there are some things best left unsaid.

 

I told him I dont care about his past, or first love... or in between loves.... he is mine NOW... and I want to be his last love....

 

My husband of close to 3 years gets jealous if he sees a picture of me with someone else, my prom pictures for example and that was over 10 years ago! I can only imagine if I started telling him about past sexcapades.... Im just not going there! =-)

 

I think you should just leave the past in the past, and accept that what came before you can not be changed. Its now and the future that matters.

 

What is the past can not be changed. Its what is your future and what is now that is in our control.

[MissyM]

What would you have considered to be an acceptable number of partners for a woman in her thirties?

 

Personally, I don't think that 2 a year is unacceptable, and if she lost her virginity maybe 20 years ago, that would put her on 40 partners, so she ain't doing too bad really!

[Clementine orange]

Yeah, don't ask what you might not want to know - the golden rule.

 

There is a double standard, though I'm not exactly sure why. Is it a cliche that many men can sleep with women with no (or little) emotional attachment yet most women generally require a "relationship" or at least some level emotion? Perhaps this is a myth as well.

 

As for your issue, please ensure that you don't allow this knowledge to colour or damage your relationship. 9 is not a huge number given your ages. It's actually quite small.

 

Be happy she is with you now.