touching

[elliotsuitcase]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years (I posted some stuff here a few months ago but I don't care to look it up). His sexual attitudes early in the relationship were very unhealthy (he was raped by his older brother from a very young age up through high school, and then he was in a series of unhealthy relationships in which he either raped or was raped). He basically had no concept of having sex to please the other person, or consent, or of the other person having any opinions about it at all. He took. And for a while I let him because I was already having a ridiculously depressed suicidal time of things.

 

We're okay now. He's learned (and we're still learning always) how to please me sexually, he's resolved a lot of the guilt he used to feel when aroused, but I'm still freaked out when he touches me without asking first.

 

For over a year, he initiated sex physically without giving me any opportunity to consent or talk about what he wanted or tell him I was uncomfortable. Do you know what it feels like to let someone f*** you when you don't want it? I felt like I had to let him (feel like I have to) because he demonstrates love with sex and if I don't have sex with him he feels like I don't love him, no matter what I say.

 

I told my therapist it made me feel like a used condom.

 

Now we're seeing a really awesome shrink, and we sit on the couch and talk about what's not working and figure out why and leave feeling okay. And then something comes up again, and we fight, and make another appointment.

 

The shrink reccomended a book called "The Five Love Languages" because we demonstrate love differently - I demonstrate it by sharing quality time, he demonstrates it by having sex.

 

Stumbling block: I flinch if he touches me without asking. Even not sexually. I flinch. Immediate, no thinking, just reaction. If he touches me sexually without asking (I should clarify that asking can be as simple as saying "I'm going to touch you here, is that okay?") it's really uncomfortable. Immediate turn off. Immediate "curl into fetal position, cry, get self destructive, stop talking, flip the heck out" bad stuff.

 

So I want him to ask before touching me.

 

He says that cheapens it. That makes it not worth it. He shouldn't have to ask - if you love someone you should just be able to touch then when you want.

 

He refuses to see the shrink about it - this time, the problem isn't a mutual misunderstanding, it's MY FAULT.

 

I think he feels that way because everyone's always taken from him or let him take from them. His brother took sex from him, his family took whatever they wanted and invaded without asking (and his family is emotionally retarted - they don't demonstrate love. He's told me he wouldn't care if anyone in his family died, that he doesn't have any happy family memories). He isn't dealing with this stuff. He's missing that part of the brain, so he doesn't even see this stuff as a problem.

 

What do you guys think? Should he have to ask first? Is my "trigger" even legitimate - he was the one who was raped by his brother for over a decade, do I even have any legitimate issues?

 

What do you think the solution is?

[hosswhispra]

What do you guys think? Should he have to ask first? Is my "trigger" even legitimate - he was the one who was raped by his brother for over a decade, do I even have any legitimate issues?

 

What do you think the solution is?

 

Although he was raped that does NOT give him the right to RAPE you. I have read that book, The Five Love Languages, and touch (not RAPE) is mentioned as being a way of expressing love.

 

He's violated your boundaries and you don't trust him. I do not blame you for that for one second. I wonder if it's possible that you are experiencing "Stockholm Syndrome" with this man.

 

Please read:

 

link removed

 

I actually fear for your safety with this man.

[rosalyn1223]

i think u r totally in the right..it's not ur fault what happened to him...show sympathy and empathy and be there for him but not sexually...that wont help the problem, it will only make it worse. i have never read that book but give it a try it might work. all u can do now is help him get past it, but giving in wont help...i know u wont him to know he loves u, but try other ways of showing it even though he only knows one...good luck...i hope this helped

[hosswhispra]

Read these posts:

 

 

 

This guy that you're with elliotsuitcase is an absolute sicko (I can't think of a better way of putting it). He is DANGEROUS. I fear for you.

[FortunateOne]

This is how women become abuse victims. You need to respect yourself and take some space to figure it out. Hoss is right and you really need to fix your emotional health before you focus on someone else.

[FortunateOne]

Read these posts:

 

 

 

This guy that you're with elliotsuitcase is an absolute sicko (I can't think of a better way of putting it). He is DANGEROUS. I fear for you.

 

PLEASE READ THIS! IT"S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

[Bethany]

That is not love and I fear you have Stockholm syndrome too.

 

You are afraid of and repulsed by this man's touch because he will ALWAYS be the man who raped you.

 

 

You need to leave this man, you know you do.

 

Use this site for support.

[treefrogkate]

I was married to a man that I later found out had repeatedly raped his sisters when he was in high school and they were very small. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with his fingers (or worse) inside me. Every time I cried and said that wasn't right, he'd swear he would stop. And it never did.

 

The situation is almost the same. He is making you feel uncomfortable, and if he cares about your feelings, he should be concerned about it too. I don't think it's too much for you to ask of him. Why does it cheapen it? I would think since he is sure you are into it, it would make it even better.

 

Even if he won't go to the counselor with you, go yourself and talk about it.

[jilligirl]

You need to get away from this sick man. He is a RAPIST. And it is NOT up to YOU to save him-- because nothing you do can save him. He has to save himself. Leave him and start living your life for yourself. Take care of yourself, because he's certainly not doing it for you.