elliotsuitcase

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years (I posted some stuff here a few months ago but I don't care to look it up). His sexual attitudes early in the relationship were very unhealthy (he was raped by his older brother from a very young age up through high school, and then he was in a series of unhealthy relationships in which he either raped or was raped). He basically had no concept of having sex to please the other person, or consent, or of the other person having any opinions about it at all. He took. And for a while I let him because I was already having a ridiculously depressed suicidal time of things. We're okay now. He's learned (and we're still learning always) how to please me sexually, he's resolved a lot of the guilt he used to feel when aroused, but I'm still freaked out when he touches me without asking first. For over a year, he initiated sex physically without giving me any opportunity to consent or talk about what he wanted or tell him I was uncomfortable. Do you know what it feels like to let someone f*** you when you don't want it? I felt like I had to let him (feel like I have to) because he demonstrates love with sex and if I don't have sex with him he feels like I don't love him, no matter what I say. I told my therapist it made me feel like a used condom. Now we're seeing a really awesome shrink, and we sit on the couch and talk about what's not working and figure out why and leave feeling okay. And then something comes up again, and we fight, and make another appointment. The shrink reccomended a book called "The Five Love Languages" because we demonstrate love differently - I demonstrate it by sharing quality time, he demonstrates it by having sex. Stumbling block: I flinch if he touches me without asking. Even not sexually. I flinch. Immediate, no thinking, just reaction. If he touches me sexually without asking (I should clarify that asking can be as simple as saying "I'm going to touch you here, is that okay?") it's really uncomfortable. Immediate turn off. Immediate "curl into fetal position, cry, get self destructive, stop talking, flip the heck out" bad stuff. So I want him to ask before touching me. He says that cheapens it. That makes it not worth it. He shouldn't have to ask - if you love someone you should just be able to touch then when you want. He refuses to see the shrink about it - this time, the problem isn't a mutual misunderstanding, it's MY FAULT. I think he feels that way because everyone's always taken from him or let him take from them. His brother took sex from him, his family took whatever they wanted and invaded without asking (and his family is emotionally retarted - they don't demonstrate love. He's told me he wouldn't care if anyone in his family died, that he doesn't have any happy family memories). He isn't dealing with this stuff. He's missing that part of the brain, so he doesn't even see this stuff as a problem. What do you guys think? Should he have to ask first? Is my "trigger" even legitimate - he was the one who was raped by his brother for over a decade, do I even have any legitimate issues? What do you think the solution is?

I'm having a hard time writing an addition to this... I love him. He is amazingly accepting of my problems (while I wouldn't call my childhood abusive, it certainly wasn't healthy), my interests and my personal growth. I doubt I could find another person with whom I could be this open (and who would be as open with me), with whom I could experience what I've experienced, who would be this willing to support me in anything I do (while defining clearly his comfort levels and limits and always carefully accepting mine), who supports me financially when neccesary but also pushes me to be financially independent when possible, who knows when to push me and when to hold me, and about whom I know the same, who in everything supports me when I need support but pushes me to be independent when I need to be pushed. At the same time, the qualities that allowed us to create a wonderful, healthy relationship, when taken in excess can create an unhealthy, mutually abusive relationship. The willingness to critique and accept criticism can go overboard, and we're experiencing that now. I'm working with a therapist (who has counseled us together previously), and I'm starting to become more independent of him, starting to be Me instead of C's Emotional Support. Since I told him a few nights ago that I cannot keep trying to fix his hurt, that he needs to turn to a professional for that now, he is becoming withdrawn. He doesn't trust me anymore, he feels rejected, he tells me that I hate him, he accuses me of causing his problems and says the abuse didn't affect him, that it wasn't a problem until I came along and told him he was abusive... I know that there are several options: he could continue the way he has continued, repressing his memories and feelings about them, blaming other people for his emotions and faking the "happy face" around his brother and family, being "stunted" emotionally and in social skills, hating his mother for not stopping the abuse and having a terrible relationship with his parents because of that, possibly returning to his abusive tendancies. Or he could go to the therapist because I suggested it, and say what he thinks I or the therapist want him to say, not feeling it and not fully participating, just learning to fake it all until he explodes from the pressure of pretending. Or I could grow apart from him while he stays the same, and we would break up. Or, it could get worse before it gets better, but he could understand the necessity of counseling and begin to heal himself. I'm afraid of all those bad things happening, and feel that I can't have any hope of the last option occurring. Oh, and as for answers: Scout, While my childhood was not what I would cal abusive, it was certainly unhealthy. My mother is bipolar and was untreated until she met my stepfather when I was three. They raised me with the constant fear that I had an emotional disorder just because my mother did, and resorted to treating any "problem" with medication. My father's doctor friend prescribed inappropriate medication for my mother (antidepressants in bipolar persons cause rapid cycling, they need a mood leveler instead), and prescribed, in order from when I was nine until I was eighteen, no two at the same time: Ritalin, Zoloft, Lexapro, Celexa and Seroquel at my father's slightest suggestion. You can probaby imagine the effect unneccesary mind altering drugs had on me. I have codependant tendancies and passive aggressive tendancies and a complex around validating my emotions. Don't worry, I'm seeing a wonderful therapist. I think my history certainly contributed to my decision to accept all of my partner, even his unhealthy behaviors, and allowed me to believe that it could be "dealt with". Cyberchick,> Your response, while a little self-rightous and judgemental (but isn't everything judgemental?), was perfectly understandable and correct considering the context. Thank you for your response - being presented with something I disagree very strongly with (such as the idea that a relationship with abusive tendancies is never worth continuing) challenges me to question my beliefs and refine my understanding RayKay, "He is raping you, yet you are the one "counselling" him - do you see how twisted of a situation that really is? Until he admits he needs therapy, there is little that will change...Love does not have this kind of pain, confusion and abuse. He is not raping me, he has in the past attempted to rape me. Yes, it's probably twisted, and yes, until he admits he needs therapy there is little that will change. Love doesn't have pain, confusion and abuse, but I believe it does have the kind of fufillment, acceptance, excitement and happiness I experience with C. I think life has pain, confusion, and that people often unwillingly, unintentionally or unknowingly hurt one another. colors, I have been religious in the past but I am currently finding spiritual fufillment in Buddhist philosophy. Thank you for your comment, having someone call me strong and say they respect and admire me and what I am doing really means a lot to me. Ash, yes (second paragraph). Thank you.

To those of you who were abused, when and why did you decide to seek counseling? If there was a signifigant delay between the abuse and the therapy, why was there a delay and what made you start therapy? How has it helped you, what were the positive and negative aspects and results of the therapy? If you're comfortable discussing it, please tell me about one-on-one counseling, group therapy, any other forms, any treatments you received, what the therapy consisted of. I want to know what made you decide to heal, how you healed, what helped you heal, how your family or partner or friends helped, and what about you or about your life has changed as a result. And to those of you who may have not sought help, or healed without assistance, could you discuss your decisions and the results also?

I found this forum today and decided to post this and see what you people think. Topics: My boyfriend was abused and abused me, I'm still with him and we're working on having a healthy relationship, we're seeing a relationship therapist but he's never dealt with the abuse that happened to him (the therapy is mostly about me). MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. I've been with C for two years. On our third date we were making out in the back of his car and he grabbed me and threw me down accross the seat and - I don't know how to talk about this, the word I find most practical is "rape", so he tried to rape me (I didn't want it, I was struggling, he tried to...yeah, rape) - I grabbed the door handle and fell out of the car and asked him what the hell was going on. He realised what he had done and started crying and we talked about it - I don't remember exactly what was said but it was along the lines of me telling him "Okay, that was not appropriate, never do that again, I need to know why you thought that was appropriate and we need to talk about appropriate sexual behaviors." He told me (maybe then, maybe later, I don't remember when he first told me) that his older brother raped him frequently when they were young. Over the past two years he's slowly told me more and more when he remembers - sometimes he has flashbacks and tells me, and then I have questions and if he's okay talking about it we do. C identifies as bisexual (I'm a girl, by the way), his first love was a boy. He said he remembered enjoying what his brother did to him (or made him do)*, but that when he realised he was in love with a boy and realised that and what his brother did was "gay" he started hating the brother because so many social influences were telling him that homosexuality is wrong. Many of his relationships have been abusive - his first girlfriend used to start to jerk him off and then punch him, he raped his next girlfriend, and so on until the girl he was with for three years before me, who pretty much let him rape her all the time. (I was close to them when they were together, I saw how it worked, they had nonexistant communication skills). His family isn't very emotionally close - his father has Aspergers and molested his older sister, his mother is very cold, harsh and crude (and when the sister told her about the father, the mother refused to listen), his grandparents insult him every time they see him, but there are family get-togethers every few months so dealing with them is a frequent struggle. Last night he put all the pieces together for me. Since we see his brother and his partner very often, and since their interactions are civil and friendly, I struggle with trying to figure out how to feel about the brother. I go through phases of liking him for being an interesting person with whom I have a lot in common (we both knit), and then wanting to murder him - like when C and I were cleaning out his parents house after the brother moved out, and we found a stash of gay incest porn. I was telling C last night that I have a very hard time understanding what made his brother think it was okay to do what he did, and C told me that when they were very young, before the abuse started, they stayed with a babysitter who made them act sexually with each other. So I understand that the brother was doing what was done to him. I have understood that C, in turn, was doing what was done to him...I understand his feelings that he couldn't control himself, and his feelings of guilt and shame, I understand the repression and I understand the resentment he feels toward his mother and toward nearly every authority figure in his life. We developed very strict rules about communication and sexual activity, I think that helped teach him how to have a healthy sexual relationship. Now I'm starting to deal with some of my own problems (treatment for a mental disorder I turned out to not have, abandonment issues, other things arising from C's treatment of me early in the relationship), we're seeing a relationship therapist to deal with some mutual anger problems and my stuff. I struggle with feeling like he doesn't love me and being afraid of him in the mornings. He used to rape me while I was asleep. His previous girlfriend let him do it (she told me she hated it but never told him), and I didn't realise it was happening for a while. He would be half-asleep and start f-ing me, and then stop when I started to wake up. I started waking up more quickly and panicking. A few times I woke up to it and immediately (accidently? you know that period between sleeping and waking, when you panic?) punched him in the face, so now we set an alarm so we wake up at the same time and it doesn't happen, and we have a rule that if he wakes up first it's okay to rub my back (only) until I wake up, and then he can ask if I'm interested in more. He's never seen a psychiatrist specifically about what his brother did, and he doesn't think it's neccesary. I tell him that he needs to come to terms with what happened, that he needs to understand how it affected him and what he can do to heal. But since we're very adept at communicating and making adjustments when neccesary, it's hard to see what a psychiatrist would help with. I know that I can't handle everything although I'm the sort of person to try to fix the world. I'm still with him because he has consistently been willing to communicate, to make suggestions and accept them, to try to modify his behavior or help me modify mine. I'm still with him because I love him, and if we were to break up it would be even harder for us to deal with our problems. So, what do you all think? Are any of you involved in healing a relationship with someone who abused you? Are any of you involved with a person who was abused? *That's the hardest part - I don't know what to think when C tells me that he remembers enjoying it. I don't feel anything about it, just blank.