5 yrs of marriage over/ why do I want to date NOW!

[mike_chppr]

You can read my old posts on the Long Term Relationships boards and Trust boards. My wife and I decided last night it was over. I've called everyone imaginable and let them know. When they ask why I say I lied, and she can't trust me anymore, without trust there is not relationship, without relationship there is no love and without love there is no marriage.

 

We talked today. We both want to be friends and we are on that track. I told her that I wanted to start looking into dating, but I woudn't do anything sexual until we were documentedly divorced. She mentioned that she wanted to {edited for privacy} and we are kind of in the same place.

 

Question:

Where do I start?

 

Should I start this quick?

 

Why do I feel this way so quickly. Am I really going to let our relationship go like that. I still care very much for her and I do love her. She feels the same way for me. We are both worried about each other.

 

Keep in mind that dating is dating and boyfriend/girlfriend is a different level. So dating here is just hanging out with someone new. I'll pick up the tab. I want to go out and learn about others likes and dislikes. I want to rediscover what I want in a mate. Life is too short. I want to be happy.

 

As other boards have eluded to I am not into hurting anyones feelings. I'm not looking for a one-night-stand or anything. I will very much go by the policy of no glove no love and we both get tested for HIV / STDs before we go down that road.

 

It feels empowering to feel this way, but I'm obviously still hurt. Should I still be focusing on the hurt or go with the empowerment. I don't want a rebound girl, but I don't want to sit at home either.

[Beec]

Difficult to say or tell you what to do. I think you can try it, and I also think you going on dates with someone else need not mean also working at the same time to win the love of your wife.

 

It's possible you can, or maybe you cannot. And it's not so easy to tell. But dating others need not mean also think in that direction. Try it, see what happens.

[mike_chppr]

Yes I think that is what I'll do. I do love my significant other and she does know I'm looking into this, I'm responding to some craigslist ads right now. I don't have a pic. I think I'll use my avitar until the battery in my camera charges up. Or is that pic too geeky. It really does look like me.

 

Maybe getting out in the world will give me the chance to discover what I want out of life.

[ImThatGirl]

Mike, Mike, Mike!!!!! STOP!!!!!!

 

I've been following your threads. I think it's great that you are feeling positive right now.

 

However, didn't I just read yesterday that you were hoping to work things out with your wife? I understand you have made a mutual decision to get a divorce. Your quick thought of "dating" someone else doesn't support that at all.

 

If I were her, I'd definitely think "Wow - apparently he was just waiting to come to this. Nope, he really didn't care about me. He couldn't wait to get away."

 

Secondly, You need time to work on you. Time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. Figure out who you are instead of automatically covering the pain by focusing elsewhere. Right now your attention needs to be on yourself and what got you to this point and what you want out of life.

 

She said "Without trust, we have nothing." Not to be redundant but it sounds like you were lying about wanting to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

jmo . . . . I'm happy for you but I think you need to be careful. I'm sure this is still all very painful and shocking even though you knew it was coming to this.

[mike_chppr]

I'm that girl, thanks for your input and I think I'm realizing that quite quickly. Trying to respond to internet posts feels akward. Hey Uh I want to go on a date but be forewarnd I come with intense baggage and I'm not looking for anything long term and strictly platonic.

 

I do love her and I would love to work it out, but I also want someone to hang out with and just have some fun with someone different.

 

I'm going to stay clean and be open with my wife and with those I go out with... If I can find someone that is willing to expose themselves to my baggage.

 

I wasn't lying about doing whatever it takes. But groveling is going to get me anywhere.

 

Here is my spiel...

 

Average Smart and Looking for fun

OK here is the best way I can describe me. I wear jeans and t-shirt and sweater to work everyday. Totally casual. On the weekends I usually loose the sweater. My pic isn't all that great, but I tried it with my webcam. I can't believe I don't have any digital photos of myself. I'm a quiet geekazoid with a military side. I'm a reservist who has came back from Iraq two months ago. So for my civilian job I'm financial stable with a Master's Degree in Statistics. On the military side I'm a drill sergeant, but I don't look the part. I went to Iraq as a military advisor. That being said I've come home to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and we've mutually came to the idea that we are splitting. I've wronged her and she's wronged me lets be friends and move on. Hence this all transpired in the last two and a half weeks. So truth be told I want to go have fun with someone new. I'm not looking for long term i.e. rebound, but I just want to find some happiness in life. I can't drink as I'm on meds coming back from Iraq. But I am into having fun. My wife/ex/best friend knows about me doing this and we are both just moving on. So yea, thats Real! I'm a white male 29 yrs old.

 

And now for the bonus points.

I'm fairly fit, but not as fit as I'd like to be

I'm 5'8"

I'm more of a modern rock fan, but I want to try new things

The geek in me doesn't like sports.

I'm looking for strictly platonic.

I could really use a movie too....

 

So if your interested I'd love to hang out and have some fun.

 

I'm having a fantastic weekend irregardless

 

Mike

[Beec]

I don't think him going on a date with a woman precludes work on a future or a future with his wife.

 

Mike, you need some editing, at the very least. But you're just starting to do this. See my suggested version.

[mike_chppr]

Beec,

 

You're awesome, a math guy would have a rough time coming up with something like that.

 

I'm using yours.

 

Thx.

[Beec]

You're welcome. Get rid of my typos, before you using.

 

In on-line dating, and high school English, spelling counts.

[mike_chppr]

OK I feel pathetic again. I've managed to sit on the bed all day and post stupid ads online. I haven't even eaten. Although I have made some contacts with old friends from college. I kind of wish my phone would ring. Just ring danget just ring. I don't really want to pay for ads, but has anyone looked into it. Free vs. Paid. Craigslist is OK, but there are some wacko guys posted on that board. I could see me reading my post 3 years ago and think I was one of them. I'm driving to some friends tomorrow. that will soak up 4 hours out of my day in driving alone.

 

Wow, this is the last thing I was imagining 5 months ago when I started the countdown to come home.

 

Humph.

[mike_chppr]

OK well to those following. I feel miserable. I've spent the last three days very depressed, Friday, ate nothing and only let the dog out into the backyard. Saturday Drove to a friends (2hrs one way) had lunch and came back, Sunday, went to church with friends and had lunch and came back. I read them my online post and they looked at me like I was nuts. So the online dating thing is probably not what I need right now. I need to develop social networks. So what does this mean.

 

Take a Brazilian Ju Jitsu Class

Take a Swing Dancing Class

Go get certified as a Massage Therapist

 

What do all these involve, me touching another human being. I think that is really what I need the most right now. The Massage Therapist Certification sounds like the greatest plan. It is like 600 hours of coursework over a period of 12 months costing maybe 5 or 6 grand. I think it may help me with my anxiety of touching others. Maybe aleviate my fear of never being able to connect. The other bonus here is I know of very few guys who have ever done the massage route. I know of tons of chicks, and the ones that I have known have been quite attractive. Watch I'll get the class full of old hags. but I'm not necessarily all that attractive myself.

 

Dancing, the thing I notice most about dancing, is everyone seems to be smiling. You never seem to see a scowl on someone who is dancing. I am about as white-boy as it comes when getting my groove on the dance floor, after all it is "against our religion" as I was told as a child. I think it would be awesome to learn. There is ballroom or swing. Swing seems to have a lot more energy to it. I think that would be tons of fun.

 

BJJ, well yea it is touching another man, not that I'm a homophobe or anything, I'm a geek. I think the ability to hold my own in a fight even if just a novice competition would be a real confidence booster for me.

 

So the next thing is how do I pull this off. Well we have to split the bank accounts, sell the house divide the stocks. And I have to move closer to DC. I cannot continue to commute three or more hours a day and not expect to have a life. I will probably have to purchase as I have a pit-bull and almost all apartments have no pit-bull restrictions. Even though he is the class demonstrator in dog training this that and the other and I'd be more than happy to do a dog interview, Fair housing laws say that they cannot accept me. I haven't figured out how to get around this. I guess I could call him a lab mix.

 

So the online dating thing is on hold. I need social networks. The next plan is to find a church with a singles group. I'm not a real believer in the no premarital sex thing now. So it may be odd to find someone there, but there are people who are hurting just like me in those groups.

 

My friends have told me today they cannot believe I'm not loosing it. As if they expect me to go off on a violently explosive ty-rade. This is a new side of my character that I am exposing. Everyone seems to think I'm dealing with it in a healthy manner, but I feel like I can't snap out of it. I just wish I could fast forward to like June of Next year.

 

I feel so lonely, depressed, anxious, angry, and the pit in the bottom of my stomach is throbbing with each heartbeat. I cannot believe it is over. I just cannot believe it. I just want some peace or to feel like I'm accomplishing something.

[mike_chppr]

OK, my wife is going to help me put up a page on Myspace and write my personal add. She is also willing to take pictures with me so I have a hot chick by my side smiling in the pictures. This kind of shows others what league of woman I'm capable of handling (just incapable of maintaining). I told her about doing the massage thing and some of the other stuff and she is supportive, but we both agree that we just need to sell the house and start getting some closure. I think the divorce counseling will help with this as well.

[Beec]

I don't want to put the kibosh on anything. All of the above sounds fine.

 

BUt don't expect to find any quick cures to getting over her. It's going to take time.

[mike_chppr]

Yea, I kind of have the 25 to 50 percent rule....

 

i.e. it is going to take 25 to 50 percent of the time you were together to really be able to move on. So since we have been together actually 9 years friends/dating/engaged/married, I'm probably looking at a three year hiatus. I think the most important thing right now is to get everything moved, find new places and kind of go NC. We still are going to share our dog which I'm really anxious about how this is going to work with me moving into an apartment. Most apartments in the area don't allow dogs. My wife says I should get papers regarding him being a service dog. As we origionally got him to help with my depression. I just don't know how that works and I'm terrified that I cannot qualify. I'm just trying to cope, and all these things are really overwhelming.

[ImThatGirl]

Just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

There's no real coping plan here. You must remember that you will need time to cope. You are losing a loved one and all of the hopes and dreams for a life with her. It's not going to be easy but you are strong - you will get through this!

 

Will you be seeing a counselor soon? Take your time and make sure you work through each phase of healing.

 

Hugs~

 

link removed

[mike_chppr]

I'm trying. My wife made me get out of bed and go to work this morning. She still cares about me. I'm so depressed and just feel so listless. I switched my wedding ring to the other finger this weekend. I go into tears thinking about what that means. I see a counselor tomorrow at the VA. I also have a meeting with the psychotherapist to review my meds. Thanks for the link.

 

Out here,

 

Mike

[Batya33]

The answer to no dating is not "sitting at home" - far from it. There are numerous social and volunteer activities, sports, and many things you can do on your own (I should know, as I enjoy that part of my life immensely). Since when do you need a date to leave the house and hike, go to a book reading, a play, work on the backstage set of community theater, volunteer at a homeless shelter, work out at a gym, learn tennis, italian, swing dancing, etc.

 

Dr. Joy Browne, a famous psychologist advocates the one year rule with which I agree having heard it and many many people who have followed it and otherwise (with bad results) - no matter what the reason for the separation or divorce, no dating until you are single (legally divorced) for at least a year. She has a web site and a radio program and books if you are interested in reading/learning more.

 

Just my two cents.

[mike_chppr]

Thanks, I'll look her up. I know it isn't sitting at home. I kind of wish we can just sell our house quickly so we can move on. We have decided that we are going to split the cell phone bill, she pays one month I pay the next. We have to cancel our gym membership together. We just signed up in October. The 1 year rule is probably the best. There is a part of me that wants to crawl out and be a "man- * * * * *" but I don't think that would be practical or healthy. I'm dying inside. I'm so hurt. With my commute it is next to impossible to doing other things during the week. It is hard to wake up. Going to work this morning was next to impossible. I didn't shave, shower or brush my teeth, I just put on clothes and went. I feel like I can't even start on my work, my mind is so consumed. I burst into tears in a moments notice and I feel like a total looser. Yea, there is too much pressure on the word "date" I really need to develop my social networks. But I feel like I cannot start until we are at least separated. I wish I could just snap out of this slump, but I think everyone arounds me realizes this is going to be me for a while. I have no idea what to say to the people around me, but I really want to talk to someone and not feel all alone.

[ImThatGirl]

Mike - I can understand how upset you are. You just have to keep rolling with the punches. (I know easier said than done.)

 

Since you have the long commute for now, how about during the week, you focus only on work and yourself and getting through this difficult time.

 

On the weekends, take the time to visit with friends or family or seriously consider volunteering.

 

Make a rule to never leave the house without brushing your teeth! I'm guessing you'd feel at least a bit better about yourself after taking care of yourself even though you'd rather just not deal with the little things.

 

You are starting all over. Make yourself take babysteps. Necessities first - and then add a little babystep here and there. Unfortunately, we can't just fast forward through this!

 

We are all here for you!

[mike_chppr]

I'm aware that I have baggage, it is just that literally all of my friends are "our" friends. It is awkward, because I have to be careful about what I tell them and not divulge the private life of my wife. I really owe her some repect and privacy to her personal decisions. It really sucks that my friend network has a networked correlation of 1 to her. This is why I just need to move. We talked about this today. We have 4 options. She stays and gets roomates, I stay and get roomates, We sell the house in a dragging market, we both move and find renters. Either way both of our lives are at a standstill. It is partly determinent on our dog qualifying to be an emotional support service animal. I'm talking with the Doctor about it on Wednesday. I have read up on it and my coworkers and my wife thinks I qualify. When I left for Iraq, my wife thinks I missed the dog more than her. The scary thing is she may be right if not them being equally missed. Control is relative, my brain is swimming and I am seemingly lacking control on what I have said and am saying to people. For example I have said some things about my wife's personal life to my mother, who told my brother who told his wife who called my wife to figure out what was going on. My wife called to ask me about it and I can't be honest with how many people I have told. She asked some probing questions to some friends of ours and luckily they didn't know about it, but both of us were 98% sure that I had said something. My brain is a sloshing soup right now. And the hurt and pain aren't making things any better.