Major Trust Issues Ruining my relationship. what do I do?

[solar-existence]

So here is my story. I have currently been with my fiance for 6 year and only engaged for 1, I think I am going crazy. She is so possesive and insecure that if I am late from work she will acuse me of cheating, If do not phone her regularly she thinks I am getting up to trouble and when I need to go away on business she has an absolute break down. I have never cheated on her but I know that she has had previous Guy which have. I really love her when she is normal but I dont know if this is health. How do I show her that she can trust me. How can I help her with her insecurity?

 

The problem is that when I try and talk to her about this she bursts into tears and says I am making her out to be a horrible person and that she is useless and not good enough for me so I hold my opinion to try and keep the happiness.

 

How do I deal with this? please help

[Scout]

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Wow, your situation is rather odd. I mean, not the obsessive insecurity part, because I see similar complaints on eNotalone somewhat often, but...the fact she's so convinced you're going to cheat on her after SIX YEARS of being with you.

 

Has this been going on for most of your relationship??

[robowarrior]

Its easy. Do nothing. You see if you're starting to become defensive she will only become more insecure because 'if he's acting that way' something must be up. Don't play along with her bs game, you'll only screw yourself with it. If nothing happened, then you have nothing to defend, in time if she has nothing to stand on to enforce her claims, then the validity of that claim will fall apart. So if she start WAAA WAA WAA ing again like a baby , just say (in a calm way ) im not going to defend myself for things that didn't happen. ( then remain silent, force her to accept it. Wether she does or doesn't accept it isn't important,if nothing really happened then she hasn't got anything to stand on to validate her claims.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It's understandable to see where the trust issues stem from, but after 6-years, it's time she moved past her trust issues.

 

I see a couple options here, you can continue to appease her trust issues as you have been doing. It might take it's toll on your relationship; but it is workable. She eventually might move past her trust issues.

 

You could try to schedule a couples counceling session if you already haven't tried that. The counselor can help you talk with your fiance, even if she breaks down emotionally.

 

Regardless, this really is her issues and in all honesty it's not fair that she's making it be about you. I can understand in the beggining of a relationship working around trust; after all trust takes time to build. But after 6 years?

[solar-existence]

She has been like this since year 2 of the relationship. I do try to ensure her that there is nothing going on but she refus's to believe it. Its gotten really back recently to the point that out of the blue in a shopping centre she will accuse me of looking at another woman and then proceed to say that she "KNOWS" that I want to sleep with her which leaves me feeling like I am unfaithful although I know I am not. I have tried show huge amount of affection and the minute one thing goes it all mean nothing which is rather di-hearting. I find myself apologising for things I never did and eventually I start thinking maby I should just cheat on her so that way she at least has a reason and I had a good time. But I dont want to do this because I really love her and could never imagine being with someone else. She has her good moments but mostly its this issue that drives me crazy. I am slowly starting to feel down and sad most of the time which I hate because I am by nature a very outgoing person. I have lost all my mates and somhow have gained hers.which I dont get on with anyway but thats life. I just wish I could find a way to snap her out of this. I keep telling myself that this is just a phase and she will get better but my biggest fear is that I will live the rest of my life like this "walking on egg shells" so to speak.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm saddened by what you wrote.

 

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't accuse you of being unfaithful.

 

Sadly, if it's been this way for 4 years, it'll probably be this way for the rest of your relationship. You've done all you can do.

 

I would give counceling a shot.

 

If she's not open to it; it might be time to move on. it's much easier for me to write this, I'm sure. But it doesn't take much of an imagination to see that if this has been going on for 4 years; that it would stop any time soon.

 

Just as an aside, do you have any feelings like she might be cheating onyou? I know that it's common for cheaters to always accuse their partners of cheating, just to put the partners on the defensive.

[Scout]

Ok, I don't like this kind of behavior at all. I almost put it in an "emotionally abusive" category, but maybe it's not quite there yet, I don't know.

 

However, if she's been doing this for four years now, and gotten away with it, then she's quite comfortable in this pattern and it's working for her...

 

What do you plan on doing to nip it in the bud? It's not going to be an easy task for you at this point. After four years, she's figured out that emotionally manipulating you like this works.

[Scout]

I also have another question for you...and it's probably a pretty personal one, you don't have to answer it, of course.

 

But...I gotta be frank here. If you were a female poster describing this, only it was her boyfriend who was behaving this way, I would really wonder if he ever got physically violent, too.

 

Does your girlfriend's emotions ever get out of control to the point she gets physical in her anger? Because the actions you describe are somewhat the hallmark of an abuser.

[solar-existence]

I dont really know what to do I have tried the Bad * * * * * aproach and the nice aproach and the I know what you are going through aproach. NOTHING WORKS As for her cheating on me I know she hasnt because she live at home and hasnt got the resources to get it write also she insists that we are together as much as possible so that I go to work and then I am with her. So where she thinks I get the chance to cheat I dont know.

[RayKay]

This is a very unhealthy situation. It sounds like she is extremely dependent on your for her own "sense of self" and probably relates much of her own feelings to what YOUR feelings about her are.

 

I really would recommend putting a delay on the wedding until these issues are sorted out, because they won't get better. I also expect in some way it may get worse, as she may "believe" that getting married will lessen her neediness or worries about infidelity and when she finds it does not she may become even more "protective" and needy.

 

I am also very concerned that the overall dependence is not just a worry of you cheating, but also extremely constraining on your own time. Relationships that are so codependent tend to have a rough time when it comes to partnership and to also nourishing one anothers growth and development. You are not her possession as she is not yours. You are two people whom are in a relationship together, but this does not mean you also stop being whom YOU are. If your time must be spent with her unless you at work, well, I just wonder what other passions, interests, friends you have at this point? That is not healthy, and will cause great resentment in time.

 

I highly suggest pre-marital counselling BEFORE you get married of course, and also I think you need to decide what your own expectations in a relationship/marriage are too. Don't go into this hoping marriage will make it better.

[solar-existence]

I agree raykay. It is not easy for handling this as all my needs and want have gone out the window. I dont know how to aproach her on the counselling cause she does not see that she is wrong.

[anonymous coward]

S'up man. She must be a heck of girl in just about every other way for you to put up with that kind of emotional vampirism.

 

I agree with the other posters-- if you involved a 3rd party (outside source) to meet with both of you to talk about the situation, she may have a better understanding of how seriously damaging her insecurity is to your relationship.

 

Since it's been six years now, I don't think that marriage is going to change her lack of trust in you. It must feel awful to have someone unjustifiably doubting your honesty or your fidelity or love for them. Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do about it on your own. I'm sure you've said everything you can, and it sounds like you've done all that you can (and more than you should have to). You'll have a really stressful marriange unless this is settled before hand.

 

In brief: it's time for you to take somewhat drastic measures to heal this girl, or otherwise you'll be dealing with this forever, or at least until you become old and impotent (because maybe then she'd trust you won't cheat on her...)