Another guy???

[billcosby2006]

I've been dating this girl now for a year and a half. Everything has been as perfect as we could ask for, we get along great. My life has really changed since I met her and we've talked about marriage and the future. However there is this one guy, out of all of her guy friends that rubs me the wrong way. I'm not a jealous guy in any sense, never was, never had any problems with her hanging out with guys...She has never had to deal with me being jealous, as I never have been.

This started out a long time ago when I noticed a certain pattern with my girlfriend. There is this one guy friend of her, lets say his name is John. They are friends that used to participate in sporting events together as athletes. So granted they are friends. When I was first introduced, John had a girlfriend so it didn't matter how much he was "friends" with my girlfriend and really seemed to respect me. My girlfriend was noticeably not AS interested when he had a girlfriend previously. However now, John is single and living in town. Let me explain:

 

She always mentions John and it seems awkward that she is consistently mentioning his name. Keep in mind she has tons of other male friends who I have absolutely no problem with at all. She mentions nothing at all about her other guy friends, John comes up noticeably more. I thought at first I was exaggerating, but after a while, I could see how noticeable it was.

 

Simple things like, we'd be watching TV together and she'd see a commercial on something and say:

 

"Oh John likes that kind of beer"

 

So first sign, John is consistently coming up in conversation on her part. Is it not awkward that she spends so much time focused on John when she has numerous other friends? I don't nearly hear anything about her other friends as much as I hear about John. So a) there is a numerical coincidence between the amount of things remind her of John or b) he's always on her mind

 

Let me explain the next few signs:

 

1) John lived out of our city for years and had a gf. All of a sudden John moves to our city and my girlfriend is all excited. She tells me numerous times that he is moving and clearly seems excited. Big deal, I met this guy maybe twice...I guess I didn't feel the excitement. She mentioned it probably 6-8 times completely out of nowhere. One of her best girlfriends moved out of town, and she mentioned that once or twice. Seemed very awkward to me.

 

2) One night she was going to an pub with her friends. I was at my parents house(an hours drive from our city) for the weekend helping with some construction on their house. She phones me and invites me out that night. I said I couldn't(was a long tiring day) and thought nothing of it. Around 2 in the morning I phoned her to make sure she was ok and to see how her night was going. Turns out, she called "John" who went to the outting with her and now they are at some house party together. All of the original people they were hanging out with, are gone, and she's there with John and a bunch of people she doesn't know. Secondly, every time I wanted to stay out late with my gf resulted in her going into a huge speil about how she can't stay out late anymore and that she NEEDS to go to sleep. Every single time...even the nights she had nothing to do the next day.. But not this night out with John. I ask her if she is ok to get home since she had been drinking. She said she'd be ok, or stay overnight at John's apartment where he lives by himself. I was immediately shocked, hurt and extremely confused. I don't care how close of friends they are, staying over night at another guys house in a relationship is a common sense no-no. I tell her that I'll drive in and pick her up to make sure she gets home ok. There was no way that I'd just sit at home and let this happen. So I get in my car at 2:30 AM and drive an hour just to make sure things are ok. So I get to this house party where her and John are. She asks me if I could drive John home since were all friends right. I tell her that I can't because the backseat of my car is full of stuff since I was in the process of moving. I only had room in the front for my girlfriend. She tells me, "Oh no problem, I'll just sit on John's lap"... I just kinda seized up and thought, ok, what the hell is going on. Turns out I cleared out my backseat for John. We drop him off and shes all making plans for them to go out again, "I'll call you and we can go out for coffee again!" While we're driving home, she has nothing to say to me and tells me its because she is tired. Five minutes ago when John was in the car, she was wide awake and excited to talk to him...So I took her word for it, I trusted her, and never said anything to her about this night.

 

3) Since then there has only been a recent mention of John, now and then but clearly she talks more about him then anyone else. She has a get together at her house one weekend where she invites only her close friends. Turns out she can't find John's number. So she sends him off this lovey email saying he NEEDS to come to her get together. Days later, she ends up looking up his parents in the phone book, calling his parents and asking for his number. She calls and asks him to come out, he doesn't want to come over. He tells her he's busy watching the hockey game. She feels let down and tells him to call her back immediately after the hockey game...He never calls. She spent more time trying to get John to come to this get together more then ANYONE else. That night ended extremely bad between us, she never acknowledged my existence that night. My grandmother was put in the hospital that night, I got the call at the get-together, ten minutes after I hear the news, she blew up on me, and embarrassed me in front of her friends. Would she treat John that way?

 

4) She has pictures online on her myspace. Oddly enough, she has multiple pictures of John with "cute" little descriptions on the pics. She has no pictures of me, or us together. I find this awkward for a relationship that is going on 15 months? Those pictures of John didn't coincidentally take themselves, and they certained didn't coincidentally end up online by themselves.

 

5) One day she comes home with new shoes which I immediately notice being the nice boyfriend I am. I ask her where she got them. She got them when she went on the shopping trip her and John just spent all day doing. I had no idea this happened or was planning on happening? Its a surprise because my gf's days are usually completely packed that I usually don't get time to see or do anything with her until the weekend. Oddly enough, she had time to go shopping with John and not say anything to me about it. If I never asked when she got the shoes, I wouldn't have known they went shopping together.. Weird thing is, I am consistantly mentioning that we should do more together, but theres no time for that.

 

6) One night after work, I call my gf to see how her day was. Shes at the pub, alone with John. Just the both of them. I ask her to talk but she immediately closes the call within 20 seconds telling me she'll call me later. I was upset that night, rightfully so? I had no idea they were planning to meet for drinks? And why wasn't I invited when I called? My gf doesn't do anything without first planning it days in advance, so this is something that obviously has been in the works and I knew nothing of it. If John still had a girlfriend, I guarantee I'd be invited. When John had a girlfriend, I was around EVERY single time we got together as a group.

 

7) This week she plans once again to meet John for drinks without telling me. I find out when I ask her on a date, which she says she cannot make it because she has to go for coffee with John. Thats weird, I've been asking her on dates for a long time. Oddly enough she has plans for John. Why doesn't she have plans for the other 99% of her guy friends that she is close to as well.

 

It just hurts how shes constantly talking about him and planning things with him without me knowing. She speaks with him using a different tone she speaks to me. Almost like she is SO excited to be talking to him, how she was when we first started dating. She doesn't even go through this much effort with her best girl friends, who are closest to her. Am I wrong to think that I should be included in some of these "John get-togethers" ??? He is well aware that we are dating?

 

I haven't ever mentioned anything to her about John because I am afraid of the jealousy thing. I'm not a jealous guy and in 15 months I have not once been jealous, about anything... Chances are, she'll take it the wrong way, but then again I believe I have a right to ask if something is making me this uncomfortable?

She's really good friends with John and during a recent argument between me and my gf, he was the first one to tell her to end it with me. I'm at the point right now where I need to find out whats going on. Do I have a right to ask?

 

I guarantee everyone on this message board that when I do bring it up, she say:

"Oh, he's just a good listener"

"He's just a really close friend"

"You are being irrrational"

 

Over the past three weeks, she has noticably treated me with less interest then she has treated John. She hasn't scheduled an outting for the two of us? Even if its coffee? For us to talk about what we obviously need to talk about?

 

That in itself hurts me enough to stop caring... I can't seem to figure out why I'm not included anymore in these outings, especially when its only the two of them? Its not one time, its multiple times, and every time I know nothing of it...

[PrincessJOA]

yes. straight up ask her. seems like you've been excluded in a hell lot of things. From the way you said it, sounds like your girlfriend is putting John before you, maybe shes interested at him I dont know. But do ask her, talk to her what is really going on in her mind about her and john, and you and your girlfriend. Dont procrastinate. If she cant seem to plan a suitable time to catch up with you, do what I'll do, show up at her place unannounced. you're the boyfriend... you have the right to ask and the right to have clarity about the situation of your current relationship

[ILovePasta]

Hmm, that's a tough one.

 

As I read the first few incidents I thought to myself, meh, no big deal. But as I got further down, I started feeling for you.

 

Personally, I think that as her bf, you deserve the attention and effort she seems to be giving to John. To expect anything less, especially if you've been dating for a while, would be wrong.

 

I would bring this issue up with her and tell her how you feel. Be open and honest without getting upset. I honestly doubt she'll change her ways and suddenly start altering her behavior. But at least you will be able to get your feelings out into the open. What happens from there is anyone's guess.

 

Also, you mentioned John just got out of a relationship. Is it possible that he is really broken up about it and she is being a good friend to him? I know when I broke up with my first gf, a very close friend who is female spent alot of time with me... nothing relationship wise, but just a friend. Hung out alot, drank lots of coffee, watched movies, slept over her house, etc... I know she was dating a guy at the time, but I don't know if my presense affected their relationship (i.e. i dont know if she was breaking plans with him to spend time with me. I hope not and i told her repeatedly that I don't want my situation to affect her dating relationship). I also know that her and i DIDNT look at each in a romantic way... it was purely friendship. Like my brother told me, as a guy, your guy friends can help to a certain extent, but nothing consoles like the words of a female.

 

I would suggest you just talk to her. Don't accuse or don't get upset. Simply find out whats going on. Use your instincts and common sense to see what sounds plausable and what sounds like bs. Last thing you're gonna want is to find out she's developing something with him behind your back, but at the sametime you don't want to lose her over something that may just end up being nothing.

[billcosby2006]

Great advice guys and very quick. You have no idea how much I appreciate this!

[kryptik0]

Let us know how it goes.

[billcosby2006]

Any other opinions in the meantime?

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm...you know, I was thinking MAYBE he is just a "friend"..UNTIL you got to the part where you said she was upset because he wouldn't come over. I NEVER get upset because a can't come over..I say..."Okwe'll see each other another time" No biggie. Also..when you said she ended a phone call with you within 20 seconds........that is NOT something you do with someone important to you. Period. She is giving this "John" guy the attention she SHOULD be giving YOU.

That said...it is possible there is nothing going on.......YET. I don;t want to worry you..but she is flirting with disaster and does not seem to care about your feelings in the process. If "John" IS in fact just a "friend"...she should have NO problems with inviting you out with them. It seems many of these meeting with him are clandestine..and you are finding out AFTER the fact. HUGE red flag. Also...........trust your gut. It's talking to you for a reason.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are some girls who truly have guys as best friends, where they don't have a romantic interest in the guy. but it is not all that common in my experience.

 

i do think men and women can be very good friends without being romantic, but if that is the case, they do NOT exclude their boyfriends/girlfriends from those friendships, or get too upset if the other 'friend' has other plans. so if i were you, i would analyze her behavior with John from the standpoint of what if John were a girl? do you think your girlfriend would behave the same way with one of her best girlfriends, or is John getting different or extra special attention from her, more than she would give another girlfriend of hers? that should tell you a lot... if she would never act this way with a best girlfriend, then she would never act this way with John unless there is something funny going on... but if she is quite friendly with her other girlfriends, then maybe John is just a friend.

 

if you add the whole thing up based on what you've said, i would say at a minimum she has a little crush on this guy, may not even know her own feelings at this point. i can't really tell whether John is just being friendly or not, but he is spending a lot of time hanging out with her, and with you not around.

 

so at this point, it would be best to be outright honest, and ask her point blank, 'you seem to be spending a lot of time with John, and talk about him a lot too.. are you romantically interested in him or something?' she's either gonna answer you straight, or get defensive and overreact, or lie about it. and if you're lucky, she is truthful.

 

her answer may clarify things a bit, or blow you off, but you then need to also tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that she wants to spend so much time with another single guy. if she values and respects you, she will reassure you, and take steps to include you whenever she does things with John so as not to hurt your feelings.

 

if she continues to be secretive or gets angry and shuts you out of her contacts with him after you ask about him, then i would be VERY suspicious that she is trying to work things with John, to start up a relationship with him.

 

some people really don't like to be alone at all, so they will stay in one relationship until they are sure that they have a solid chance of hooking someone else, or in fact get involved with someone else before dumping their prior relationship. so you can't totally ignore her behavior, in case what she is doing in trolling for a new relationship with John, but not sure if that is what she wants (or what he wants) yet.

 

so bring it out in the open, and ask to be included in her friendship with him. and if she blows you off or disrespects you, then blow her off too... you deserve someone who thinks you're the greatest thing on the planet, not some other guy...

[papalazarou]

She has feelings for him. She is interested in him. Something is not right between you two and he is acting as a security blanket at the moment.

 

At the moment she has no respect for YOU.

 

You need to confront her and tell her its you or him. You are not being paranoid. I have seen it before many many times, this is how affairs start my friend. I speak from bitter experience.

[Momene]

You deserve clarification on this. My first marriage ended this way.

[Momene]

You floor me, Momene!

 

Consider yourself floored (or is it flawed?)

[billcosby2006]

So I talked to her about it last night. Things went good and I expressed it in a way that was non threatening and I made sure I told her that I trusted she wasn't cheating on me. I let her know that I wasn't accusing her, I was merely just letting her know how the "Sleeping Over" thing really affected me.

 

Especially because now she hasn't shown me a lot of affection or self worth for the last two months like she once used to. I've been wondering where I stood and why she was scheduling time out with a guy, alone, really got on my mind, however I still trusted her. I just needed to know what was going on.

 

She said she can understand how I feel, and I requested that they include me in plans in the future.

 

She respected that but now we are still not "ok" to the point of loving each other again based on the following:

 

1) After 10 months of never having a fight, we had a huge fight, and we almost broke up because of it. It was such a miscommunication however, I believe we worked things out. I appologized for the part I played in the fight, and starting showing her that I really love her. I would do romantic gestures every day to let her know I just want to love her again and feel loved. She hasn't reciprocated any feelings or gestures for 2 months so finally I got upset and asked her why or what was going on. She says she's scared I will hurt her again, and that she has her guard up. I've never intentionally hurt her, and love her enough to not hurt her. So one week, she decided to just love me again, and for one week it was amazing. I felt like I did a long time ago and felt in love again. Then a week later, things are the same. She's in pre optometry and training for an national level atheltic event... and she says that spending more time with me is affecting her school, but I know its not. She makes time for friends, family and others, however no time for me. I'm an Electrical Engineering Student and also play College Basketball, so we're in the same position. I'm not sure what I should do about that. We love each other, however it doesn't feel right because she has her guard up. I've done everything I possibly can to correct this and help her through it, but it feels out of my hands. She admits to loving me, but she keeps making herself think if she falls for me completely again that she will do bad in school and not succeed. At this point she really needs to figure out what is going on or what she wants because its been 2 months and I dont even know if she wants to be with me, or show any affection toward me like she used to. I dont want to give her an ultimatum of "figure it out or I'm gone" because I really love her, and don't want to be apart from her..

 

I need some advice on this

[sinas777]

I agree with, papalazarou. Men always look at physical evidence that their girl is cheating. The problem is that once it gets physical its usually too late. The problem is if you say too much or complain about it, it will be her excuse to eventually cheat. Good luck to you.

[silky88]

i'll tell you what this sounds like from a girl's point of view, since i have unfortunately been the girl in this exact situation several times in my less-mature past.

 

she has a crush on him and she's not sure what she wants to do in your relationship. she may be too comfortable or dependent on you (for any number of things -- security, money, anything) or may feel like she has a sense of duty to you or has invested too much time in your relationship to leave. but she's looking around and riding the fence about what she wants to do.

 

SOMETHING already has happened between them, even if it is not physical. flirting, exchanges of words, maybe a little "well, i really would, but i'm in a relationship...sigh." there is the possibility of you two getting past this, but only if you put your foot down really securely about where you stand on this.

 

i have done exactly every sort of thing that you have described in numerous past relationships, and as a consequence, have had mostly "overlapping relationships." i used to have a habitually wandering eye, and was always on the lookout for the next best thing to come along, even if i didn't realize it at the time. i don't do this anymore, because i have finally found what i was always looking around for, but it sure sounds like she's not looking at you as her last stop.

 

also, since he seems less interested in her than she is in him (blowing off her party for example) she may be keeping you around for company until she either gets him or he's gone. one way or the other, you have slipped on her priority list.

 

definitely talk to her about this, definitely lay some rules down, and don't let her manipulate you.

 

watch out for these signs:

 

1. she down-plays the significance of their "friendship" but seemingly compulsively mentions him (she secretly WANTS to discuss him and get caught; it gives her a passive out).

 

2. you lay down rules about this friend and she tries to negotiate or bend them.

 

3. she sulks or pouts and seems dispirited if you succeed in limiting the scope of their firendship.

 

i could be wrong, but this girl sounds so very much like the way that i used to be, that i can't see it any other way. having been her, i'm ratting her out now for your sake -- and hers.

 

for your sake, you deserve a girl who is interested in only you... and needs none of the naughty playing-with-fire feeling that an illicit flirtation brings. yes, it feels so good, but if she were really into you, she'd be getting all the good feelings that she needs from you and not having to look elsewhere.

 

for her sake, she needs to learn that she can't get away with that crap. it took me almost ten years and four long-term relationships before i got with a guy who finally wouldn't stand for my crap. he was 14 years older than me, knew exactly what i was up to, and dumped my behind. which freed me up to be with the guy i liked more anyway (harsh but true). and a year later, i couldn't be happier.

 

just my two cents (and my sixth sense) about what is going on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

bill..

 

if she has been cold to you for 2 straight months, then she may just be hanging onto the relationship until she has another guy firmly involved as her next boyfriend. she doesn't sound like she's really putting to much into the relationship right now, and keeps giving all kinds of excuses why not, so she obviously knows she is not 100% present for you now...

 

and changes excuses for the same problem are never a good sign.. it means you keep asking why things are bad with her, and she tells you whatever comes to mind that moment, or whatever she thinks you will buy.

 

i hate to say it but she could already be on her way out, and just be one of those people who likes to always have some boyfriend at hand, and sometimes even a 'backup' boyfriend in case things don't work out. the most frustrating people in the world are those who have checked out of a relationship mentally, and are winding it down, but refuse to admit they want out or are their way out... a very cruel thing for the person they are in the process of leaving behind, and a coward's way out to avoid confrontation, emotions, etc.

 

so i would put a time limit on how long you are willing to let her treat you coldly, and/or pursue other men at the same time. if she hasn't improved by that time, i would just be the one to say, see ya! no point in letting it torture you forever. if she really wants you, she won't let you get away if you tell her you deserve better treatment than she has been giving you.

[jilligirl]

Time to either hire a private investigator, or get a friend to stalk her (wow, how low is this? LOL). That's the only way you're going to know whether something's going on.

 

But based on what you've already posted . . . it seems safe enough to say that she's testing to see whether something will "happen" with her and her "friend." If something happens, she'll probably leave you for him. If things don't work out with him, though, she'll probably stay with you. Either way, dump her, you don't need to be jerked around like this. You're being treated like a a-hole. Get yourself out of this relationship before it's too late / more difficult to.

[Pera]

Bill,

 

In a relationship where you are questioning the faith of your girl in you, always, I say this again ALWAYS trust your instincts. From what you have typed you sound like a reasonable guy that won't go into a jelous rage just because. Now, I think this is obvious that she is more interested in John than she is in you.

 

My advice to you is that you should get yourself used to the idea of breaking up. Because you are at a point right now where you are a "comfort" for her rather than a "boy friend". She knows you are there for her and she knows you care about her. In this kind of situations where you "feel" that your woman is drifting away slowly and you want to act, the best thing to do is to slowly pull yourself away from her and see if she "achknowledges". Don't try to talk to her about this more than once. This would further convince her that you are at her mercy.

 

If she loves you, cares about you and "truly" more into you than John, then she should realize whats going on. If not than she s not worth it. Trust me, if you start pulling yourself away she will start getting uncomfortable. When she gets uncomfortable, she will start thinking about you and the thought of losing you. When she believes that she "might" lose you, than, and only than she will choose.

 

Hope the best for ya.

 

/cheers

[Momene]

John may or may not be a cause of symptom of what's going on. It could be that she's easing away from you. Certainly I did see more of my female friends when my first marriage was dodgy, NOT with the intention of lining them up as possible replacements but for advice on how to save my marriage.

 

She may be using him as a sounding board for advice. John or no John, I think any sign that you are falling down her list of priorities is a huge red flag.

 

As a general rule, I don't know the best way to react if you feel someone is slipping away from you. Should you call their bluff and decide you can't be too bothered either? If you think someone else is involved, either as a potential replacement or someone who may be influencing a partner to split, what should you do?

 

Brings back memories of some painful times 22 years ago.

[Jayar]

She's definitely interested in him, no matter WHAT she tells you. Not because she's friendly with him so much, but because she excludes you. I have guy friends too, but when I was dating my ex HE was my world. Otherwise why would I be dating him?! You know?!

 

Since you have already brought it up to her (and she viewed it as irrational) simply tell her you need time apart. Then go complete and total No Contact. Either she will want you back (and after a time, see if you can reconcile and have her take your concern seriously) or she won't.

 

Don't be surprised if she tries to pursue you with a vengance at first, and don't fall for it. Let her be single for a while and she may choose to explore things with John. And if she does, she wasn't yours to begin with.

 

As for the constant mentioning him and disregarding of your feelings, she's either doing it subconsciously because she is infatuated with him and takes you for granted, or she's TRYING to get you to dump her so she isn't the bad guy. But plain and simple, a girl that cares about her BF to the exclusion of all other men doesn't act the way she is acting. Period.