leaving the past behind

[juddy]

New to this site , but its been a big help to me. Moving on after a relationship as ended is very hard indeed, I was seeing some one for the last 18 months, at the time i was separated from my wife, yet we were still very good friends, the girl i was seeing was 19, iam 35, she was very mature in many ways for her age, and i after a time fell in love with her, we had plans for the future, and i cared about her so much, yet time after time i stopped seeing her and i went back to my separated wife, but only as a friend, we did everything we used to do other than sex, i suppose it was the comfort zone, we used to talk about my new girl friend, and she would say that it would never work out as she was too young and at times got on my nerves, and looking back regardless of the faact she did not want me sleeping with a sexy 19 year old, she was probally right, those little things that got on my nerves, after such a short time would only get wosre, sure iam not saying my separated wife is the one for me, but sometimes you have to work at things, no relationship is 100%. I have to work with my ex and this is hard, shes hopefully getting a new job so will not see her again, it was me who ended our relationship yet its me whos feeling the pain, what hurts me the most is she always said she loved me, yet the times we were not together at least 15, she slepted with 17 other people, i only found out about this after the split, i know i left her, but she cant have thought that much about me to do that, i never slept with anybody else, people have said she did it to feel better about her self. The last week we were together she said she had met someone else who wanted a long term relationship and if i did not waant to be with her then i had to decided, that hurts too as she must have been seeing him for a number of weeks. I do miss her and yes i sometimes wish we would get back together, but thats not going to happen, she even said she would nevr in a million years want me back. Thats what hurts the most, letting go, i wonder if she still thinks about me or as she really moved on.

[chai714]

Juddy,

 

Once you ended things, you should have walked. Since you didn't completely walk, she's now walking from you and it's upsetting you.

 

It sounds like you should walk away completely from her, unless you can distinguish sex from emotions (difficult, but it can be done). At this point though, it seems as if human nature is getting the best of you - that is, you want someone who doesn't want you and rejection is the ultimate challenge. It makes humans want things they wouldn't ordinarily want.

 

My final word to you is leave. You broke up with her and now she's leaving you for good, possibly for someone else. Remember though, you broke up with her first so you can't complain of having a heartbreak when you initially did this to yourself.

[juddy]

great words of wisdom, and very true.....

 

It was me who ended so in truth i should be a happy bunny, and i nearly am, just iam one of those people who regrets things, and thinks what if! I know in the long run it would not have worked, i just feel guilty for not trying harder and letting the past get in my way, but i will learn from this, and be a better person, and iam sure in time i will never even think about what has gone on.

[robowarrior]

Walking away is difficult if she works at the same place. And giving up your job isn't a decision one can make overnight nor easily. You know i think the most important thing is that you need to prevent things from falling apart.

 

Think of it you lost your wife, you might have to give up your job, she is making you insecure of your new love.

 

This must be extremely hard, however instead of giving up your job, isn't there a sub division within your work that you can be stationed at so that you don't have to work in the same place as your ex? Wouldn't want to lose everything because of the ex.

[juddy]

shes got a job interview this week so hopefully she will not be there for too long. and hopefull iam going to be moving abroad soon, so there will be no contact all, other than a wedding party we are both going to in Jan 07, she said she would not be taking her new bloke as she knows it would upset me, how ever i still un sure if its right to go, do i go alone or do i go with my separated wife, would she be happy with that? or would she not care who i went with? I take she would feel un easy, and theres going t be tension in the air.

[juddy]

strange thing happened last night got a text from her, it said BOO why on earth did she text me, when she said she wanted space? really cant understand that ant answers.

[juddy]

Not see the ex for 4 weeks, out of the blue she texted me asking for some advice on a house matter, she then asked me if i wanted to go out for drink, i did we had a lovley night did not talk about the past problems that much, i stayed at her house, the night things happened, we then went out today, for lunch, again ended back at her house, i did not instagate anything she did, what does this all mean, whats she after, i have the chance to move abroad very soon, do i lay my cards out and give her the chance, to see if she wants me back, or is she just useing me?

[Biffy]

Yes, cards out on the table. Find out if she wants to get back together if not then back to nc you go.

[juddy]

I told her i could leave the contry for a new lifr or stay in the chance she would want my heart back, she said it was my choice. and if i decided to go back to my separated wife she wanted no part of that. I know shes finished with her bloke or she started seeing straight after me, i get the feeling shes just playing me, yet, she seemed so loving when we were out, just like it used to be, it was even her who wanted to make love to me. But she has given no signs of getting back together.

[Survictor]

You both sound like you are just having a sexual relationship without complications of a real relationship.

[juddy]

I suppose you could think that, then its down to me to stop it if its not going any place. She said she was not all that bother if i was with someone else just please dont sleep with my separated wife, in fact she begged me not to, yet shes got a friend who she sees and sleeps with.

[Survictor]

I hardly think she has a right to ask that of you does she? This relationship is dead and you know it. You just enjoy fooling about and still having the comfort and friendship with your ex wife. Your poor wife!

[L.J.]

Hey Juddy,

Moving on after a relationship ended is indeed very hard. I believe it is also this difficulty you got yourself to your situation. You were separated from your wife at the time you were involved with your ex. Not only is she very mature for her age, she is also very smart. Many twice her age can't even understand you are not over your separated wife yet, let alone the fact you were not legally divorced. (I'm assuming because you used the term "separated". Throughout your posts, no divorce or "Ex-wife were mentioned). Are you officially divorced now?

 

Yes, it hurts (sleeping/sex aside) when she sees other people. How does it justify it's okay for her when you went back time after time to your separated wife? You talked about bringing your wife to a wedding in Jan, and at this point you are still comtemplating a decision to reconcile with your wife. I understand why she wanted no part of it.

 

Maybe it's a good idea since you have a choice to leave the country. Hard and difficult as it is, spending some time by yourself might help you move on, not only for a new life, maybe a better one.

[juddy]

thank you LJ wise words indeed, I know i went back to my wife many times, I did so as I had and still have feelings for her, i never once slept with her when i went back, i sometimes believe it was my wife who ruined my relationship with this girl, this girl loved me and i loved her, i was ready to move on all the divorce papers were ready to be sent, it was my wife who said i was making the wrong choice, and that it would not last with me aand my girlfriend, my wife is alot older and wiser i listened to her , she always said to me if i wanted to leave her then do so, but she said i was making a big mistake and that this girl was not right for me, this girl sais she loved me yet when i was away for 2 months traveling she started seeing someone, it was my wife who told me about this one i returned, she said she told me so i knew what kind of person i was dealing with, and how can someone who says they love you go with someone else. Like you said shes very smart, she knows i will come running at the click of her fingers, to her shes getting one up on me and also my wife, if she can make my wife to end it she would be a happy bunny, do you agree? My wife did. In all this its my wife who has come off worse, she never slept with anyone else, shes not that kind of person, i know i have issuse which have not be spoken about here and they are for me to sort out, and regard the wedding why should it matter if i do go with my wife, my ex does not want me so i cant see her being bothered, she knows i with my wife know, she knows my problems, and iam sure she would think i was just rubbing it in, alot of how we treat relatonships sometimes depends on our past as children, i think that applys to me in alot of ways, I know what happens happens, and i believe that me and my wife will do the things we have talked about and we have both said we will give it 100% if it does not work then we will move on. I know you would say end it now and have space but i believe that would be wrong to do, i made a mistake with my ex girlfriend who as i type this texted to say i not being with my wife and being abroad could be a big mistake. I wish now i had not seen her, its put me back alot and also my wife, i should have only done it if she wanted me for good, and by doing that i could lose everything.

[Survictor]

Why are you listening to everyone else? You are skipping back and forth not really sure of what you need or want. It is time you made a decision for yourself. It might be an idea to pull yourself out of both relationships and stand alone for a while. I think you need to work on your self esteem.

[juddy]

i just think some of the points are valid thats all. Even yours could be, at the end of the day my ex as what she wants, she as other friends yet when shes bored knows i will come running, well not any more i aint going to be used like that.

[L.J.]

I know i went back to my wife many times, I did so as I had and still have feelings for her, i never once slept with her

 

That's the point (not the sleeping part). Would you want a serious relationship with anybody who still have feeling for their ex?

Your ex could also have feelings for the people she's seeing too, you know? Why is that not okay for you?

 

i sometimes believe it was my wife who ruined my relationship with this girl, this girl loved me and i loved her, i was ready to move on all the divorce papers were ready to be sent, it was my wife who said i was making the wrong choice

 

Was it a separation agreement between yourselves that you seek her approval who you date, who loves you or who you loves? But that's beside the point. You are ready to move on, but haven't .. you are still married. You can perceive yourself as having an affair (cheating) if you want to. Any women involved with you can think the same until you are divorced. Most people if not all, wouldn't want to be in a relationship with baggage.

 

i know i have issuse which have not be spoken about here and they are for me to sort out

 

Don't you think it a good idea to sort it out now on your own or with the help of professionals? I don't think your wife or your ex are trained in this field to help you.

 

I know you would say end it now and have space but i believe that would be wrong to do

 

If you believe this is wrong, what do you believe is right to do? I don't think having your wife and your ex at the same time is the best option, do you?

[L.J.]

Why are you listening to everyone else? You are skipping back and forth not really sure of what you need or want. It is time you made a decision for yourself. It might be an idea to pull yourself out of both relationships and stand alone for a while. I think you need to work on your self esteem.

 

That is essentially my point. I cannot agree better with Survictor

[juddy]

I think moving away would be one way to sort this out, however, I truly want to be with the person I love, she was just like she used to be when we met and i had a really nice time, in may ways its taken me back to the start of my problems, i was getting better, seeing her as made all those feelings come back, she texted me last night and said i should not wait around in the hope of us getting back together, and that it would be up to me if i stayed and waited for her yet deep down i know she cares, i know i have my life to think about, and it can be what if at times, i just wish she would realise i do care and love her.

[juddy]

I come to relise now that shes just being playing a game with me, i went NC for 4 weeks then she contacts me, i like a fool went out with her for that drink, ended up staying with her, spent the next day with her too, and she seemed so nice, those loving eyes etc, i took her home and was about to leave and she said she wanted a cuddle, we did on the bed, then she started the all sex thing, ii believe as i was not showing any interest she was feeling rejected and needed to do something about it, found out she has finished with her bf, she asked me for lunch at the weekend then, texted to say she was spending the night with one of her friends ( male ) shes been seeing him for over 6 months even when i was seeing her, he does not want a relationship with her, just the company and the sex, so as you can imagine i felt used by this, of course she never once said she wanted me back, yet she gave all the boyfriend girlfriend signals, hold hands, kissing etc.

 

She knows how i feel and shes knocked me back, I know now that she has no love for me, and iam wasting my time hoping that she will be there for me.

 

I did lay my cards on the table and she said no.

[juddy]

The ex contacted me by email, asking what i was up to, was i going to be on my own soon, said i was thinking of getting a place, she asked if she could come and have alook. I told her i wanted space from all this, i just think shes intrested in what iam up to and nothing more.

[juddy]

Its know come to the point where i feel its time to stop all my hurt and move on with my life. i went to a house warming party someones from my work, all the people there are aware of our situation, my ex went we sat together, she was being very close to me, people said we should both get it back together, as we are good as a couple, we even kissed she was happy and i was too, after that we had to leave the parthy as she had to go some place, before she went we layed on the bed and she asked why i loved her so much and what was it about her i liked, i told her what i thought, she went out and i waited in her house, she had printed off pictures of, her so called friend, there were also some of his clothes there, felt so sick, she came back and we went back out she called her friend as soon as we got to the bar, i said i knew who she was talking to and asked her if she wanted to be with, she said yes if she could, but hes got other plans in life and is just happy to be a good friend at the moment, we left the bar at some point and ended up in bed, she put on her night stuff, and when i asked her for a cuddle she refused, at that point i walked out. She texted me today and said, she does not want to be with me now, but maybe down the line she might, i asked her if she loved me she said no, I have no reason to wait for this girl shes just playing with my feelings, i told her i could be leaving the country for good, and i have to make a dessicion on that by the end of Dec, if she rally wants me then this is her last chance. In all honesty shes already made that choice, and is just using me. I think i would be a fool to wait for her, yet i love her, waiting her maybe a option, but i could be ruining my future to do that