after his coming out

[e...]

One of my closest friends, with whom I spend most of my time at the moment, came out to me a few weeks ago. At the beginning I felt really weird, but I guess it was because I was taken by surprise, because I always assumed he would be heterosexual. And even though I have many gay / bi friends, they just "are" gay: I had never had the experience of someone coming out to me.

But yeah, the day after I was fine again, and realised how much closer this brought us. He's only told a few people, and I think I'm the only girl to whom he can actually speak openly about it. And also, knowing that there's no way any of the two can misinterpret it now, our way of showing affection became slightly more physical (it already was before, but it increased).

Lately, for a series of circumstances, we've spent really a lot of time together. And all of a sudden I found myself looking at him and asking myself whether I had a crush on him. It was because some things he did made me appreciate some sides of his personality that I had not suspected or thought about before. Moreover, I think I was a bit pushed into this by some friends' comments. Most of our friends in common have always been convinced we should get together and recently (after the coming out) one of them tried to talk me into asking him out and asked me repeatedly how it was possible that I didn't feel anything for him. Another friend of mine, whom I told about the coming out, asked me if the reason why I felt so weird at the beginning was because I felt something for my friend. Still, these comments alone wouldn't be enough to make me think I have feelings for this guy, especially because some of them are just the same as they used to be when I didn't know he was gay.

I haven't fallen in love for years now and I've been rather sceptical of love in general lately, so I'm not quite good at understanding what's going on. Moreover, I have never ever fallen in love with somebody I used to consider only a friend. What I feel towards him is not sexual, it's mainly just a really intense fondness. I'm not at all jealous when he talks about guys he likes (I actually make comments about them myself). But on the other hand when I think of us as "back-ups" (which we agreed we'd be ), I really love picturing ourselves together. And I also would like to spend more and more time with him, and crave for his hugs so much.

I'm very confused as to what I feel towards him. I am also afraid because if I actually have feelings for him it's going to be the biggest secret I'd have to keep in my life. I share just about everything with my friends, but in this case I wouldn't want to tell him because I seem to be the only one that hasn't slightly changed her behaviour towards him since discovering about homosexuality, and I think it's important for him that he can rely on me.

Any suggestions?

[Caterina]

You're right, I didn't read the post closely enough. I don't know what to suggest. The possibilities will only reveal themselves after you decide to take action or not take action.

[e...]

Sexuality is a strange thing...

Sexuality is perhaps the only thing that is clear-cut here

I'm straight and he's gay, no question about that.