It gets harder to do NC with every broken NC

[Anotherday]

I guess it's sort of like an addiction. Once quit, it's easier to stay quit than to keep relapsing and failing over and over.

 

I did NC and started getting better. Then I picked up the phone after he called. It seemed harmless enough...just talk to him and get through one more day. Problem is, with so many broken NCs, it seems like it's very hard to get back on track. The hardest thing in this moment is to resist picking up the phone and asking him why he bats me around like a cat with a mouse. Take me off the shelf for awhile and then put me back -- until he wants to play again.

 

I'm at such a crossroads in life. My last day at work is next Friday. I have no idea what happens after that. Then, the holidays.

 

It's been so hard to work at a domestic violence shelter all these months and see brave women come in after enduring (in many ways) less than I have throughout relationships. I've felt like such an imposter, working there the whole time while I've had this secret -- that this person I can't seem to do NC with permanently is in many ways worse than their situations. Oh sure, he doesn't hit me, but they say the physical things are much easier to heal from than the other stuff.

 

My best GF has just come out of a physically and otherwise abusive relationship. Her latest guy just stole $500 from her, while she goes through a major surgery and he said he'd be there for her. I look at her and think she's just pathetic for putting up with so much, and she looks at me and probably thinks the same. I am no one to talk, because I have the cheap seat in viewing her situation. Sigh......

 

At any rate, I think the one mistake I've made this whole time is to not let him know I can't have anything further to do with him, and then resist his phone calls. Maybe this belongs in the nutcase section of the forum or the abuse section. I don't know.

 

So, my plan is to write him one last letter and tell him that if he calls me I will not answer, and why.

 

I'm curious, how many of you have informed your person that you are doing NC, versus not, and which works better? I've tried just doing No Contact, but then I cave because I always think I'd want him to at least pick up the phone if the situation were reversed. I must be strong. Sorry for the length of this, but I just have to get this out.

[ceeboogi]

Hey,

 

I would love to give you advice but unfortunate I am on the same boat,

Yesterday I seen my ex and told her that I was starting NC, but today I folded and called.

No will power what's so ever? Its like you said it's an addiction witch is kicking my * * *!

Not sure how long you were with your guy, but me it was 7 years with her.

 

Be strong don't call him. Life goes on….as long as you have the air in your lungs…there is life after love! lol that's what I tell my self every night

 

Good luck

[Anotherday]

Hey,

 

I would love to give you advice but unfortunate I am on the same boat,

Yesterday I seen my ex and told her that I was starting NC, but today I folded and called.

No will power what's so ever? Its like you said it's an addiction witch is kicking my * * *!

Not sure how long you were with your guy, but me it was 7 years with her.

 

Be strong don't call him. Life goes on….as long as you have the air in your lungs…there is life after love! lol that's what I tell my self every night

 

Good luck

 

Well, it's a setback in your case, just look at it that way. Seven years is a long time to be with someone. Be gentle with yourself. The only problem with too many setbacks is they start to think you're not serious and they continue to walk all over you (speaking just for myself).

 

I never told him I was doing NC. I just did it. Now I have to tell him and I won't feel like I am just ignoring him. Closure is important to me. The tough part is sticking with the plan.

 

You hang in there too. I know the NC thing works. It just works better when one doesn't break it.

[laboheme]

If you strongly feel that you should write him a letter, for your own sake, maybe you should...but keep in mind that by sending it to him you are indeed contacting him, and subconsciously you may be hoping for a response. A true sense of closure doesn't come from somebody telling you that there's no hope...and it doesn't come from that one last letter (which may be followed by another "last" letter or three, as was the case with me)...it comes from within you, once you recognize that it is indeed over and you need to move on. If you truly want to put this relationship behind you, you shouldn't worry about him thinking that you're ignoring him. You no longer have to take responsibility for how he feels, so don't give him the priviledge of receiving an explanatory letter. Your only concern right now is you.

[staticcling]

can you change your phone number?

[Anotherday]

If you strongly feel that you should write him a letter, for your own sake, maybe you should...but keep in mind that by sending it to him you are indeed contacting him, and subconsciously you may be hoping for a response. A true sense of closure doesn't come from somebody telling you that there's no hope...and it doesn't come from that one last letter (which may be followed by another "last" letter or three, as was the case with me)...it comes from within you, once you recognize that it is indeed over and you need to move on. If you truly want to put this relationship behind you, you shouldn't worry about him thinking that you're ignoring him. You no longer have to take responsibility for how he feels, so don't give him the priviledge of receiving an explanatory letter. Your only concern right now is you.

 

This so smart, and you are so right. I've spent time worrying about the state of our nation and the future, but with people like you -- so young and smart-- I just have hope, apart from the issue at hand. I'm not so young, or smart, but I can learn much from you. Thanks.