Walking away (impossible)

[Geno101]

hey.. I'm not sure if this is where i should have put this, but, here goes.

 

I am in a weird relationship. Described and explained in my previous threads. I am in a position where i am completely dependent on conversation with this girl. Everyday of my life is based on her, unless i'm away from home. I wake up thinking about her, if she hasnt already called me waking me up out of my sleep. And if she doesnt call me, i wake up feeling nervous inside. a deep down nervous, tense, anxious feeling in my gut. And it hacks away at me everyday. She's in college so she's always away from home and then she goes out with her ex sometimes. And that leaves me here in my house with nothing to do and no one to talk to. I dont start college for another 2 months, and i dont have a job yet, so the only social life i have outside of her is two of my cousins. And thats only once every other weekend. so i'm often talkin to her, and if not, i'm feeling DEPRESSED, lonely, down, and pitiful. Its just a terrible way to live.

 

I've had thoughts of suicide. but not coming anywhere near DOING it. IT was just something going through my mind because this is a miserable DAY-to-DAY feeling. and i cant shake it. I constantly wait for a call, or call her, and the funny thing is, i never have anyhting to talk about, although we have great convos. I never have anyhting to SAY specifically. I just cant stand to be away from her. I fear the thought of being replaced, or forgotten or left behind. It bothers me to think about her eventually just finding it unneccesary to continue to talk to me. Like her desire to talk to me just one day dies off, leaving me lonely and unwanted.

 

Now..my challenge is this... I want to LEAVE and be rid of her but i cant. I've been searching for jobs to give me an excuse to be away from home long periods of time, and to get the funds to go out and have fun without her and also use that job as an opportunity to meet someone else. To socialize..you know. To live my life. But i havnt gotten hired. So all i have is her, still. but, i'm constantly trying to distance myself and leave her alone and make her feel what i've been feeling everyday.

 

I want her to need me for something and not have me available. I need her to need my advice or need my consoling or to need me to be her shoulder to cry on and not be anywhere to be found. So she can feel...alienated and lonely. I want her to have it bad and not have me to relieve the pressure. I always do those things for her. and a lot of times i think to stop doing those things for her, but when i think that, i ALSO think about the possibility of me stopping those things leading to her looking at it like i'm neglecting her and then pointing the finger at ME and going and finding that attention somewhere else instead of realizing i TOOK it away from her on purpose and then bringing herself to crawl to me to get it back.

 

I dont trust her judgement. So i fear that. I dont want to walk away and throw all this invested time away in vain. I want to walk away and make her FEEL the difference between her life with me and her life without me. I dont want her to just say "Oh well, i'll just go to joe blow and get what i want". I want her to SEE. I want her to spend nights crying herself to sleep because she realized the mistake she made of taking me for granted. But, i dont know how to do this. all i need is advice.

[arwen]

Although you do a good job to keep things about your relationship vague, I get the overall impression that your relationship is not too well-balanced. You feel she needs you less than you need her, right? She is far away and you don't trust her. And now you want to deprive her of your attention to get the opposite effect, that she will crave you and need you.

 

I understand that this is instinctively what you want to do, but I wouldn't really recommend it. I think a relationship should be balanced a bit more naturally, and if that is not possible and if you feel that the needs are different, the investments that are made differ too much, you can do two things: decide regardless of the possibility of future improvement to break up and move on (not breaking up to get MORE but to end things for good), or talk about how you feel and make suggestions about relationship-improvements.

 

I think that if you are now at the point where in fact you want her to be miserable so she needs you, things are already going downhill quite fast-- either in the relationship or for you personally. You sound depressed, I wonder if this is due the relationship alone, or to other circumstances as well?

 

Ilse

[Geno101]

Although you do a good job to keep things about your relationship vague, I get the overall impression that your relationship is not too well-balanced. You feel she needs you less than you need her, right? She is far away and you don't trust her. And now you want to deprive her of your attention to get the opposite effect, that she will crave you and need you.

 

The relationship is not well balanced at all. I do so much for her, but she doesnt do much for me at all, BUT, thats because everyhting she could do for me i do for myself, but emotionally, she doesnt really try. I dont feel that she needs me less than i need her per say. I would say the fact of the matter is she DOES need me more than i need her, she just fails to realize it because she's taking me for granted, and THATS what pissing me off. Because, i dont need her, but in some cases she truly NEEDS me. But she fails to realize it. She isnt far away, we just cant see each other much. maybe once a week or less. I trust her but at the same time i dont because she's done some unexpected hurtful things in the past and i dont know where the next thing is gonna come from.

 

but, yes, now i want to deprive her of my attention to END things and to climb out of this hole i've dug, and at the same time i want an EFFECT. I want a lasting, lingering effect. I want her to FEEL it when i'm gone. You know. Not to really get her to crawl back to me so i can have her and get the affection i've wanted, but i just want the effect to feel accomplished to finally give me that gratitude, and the privilege of finally knowing what it was i did to improve her life and how big of an impact i had on it, since she's failed to tell me those kinds of things to make me feel good about myself. Failed to stroke my ego like i do hers and like i so desperately cry out and tell her i need.

[arwen]

But Geno, why bother to do this? If the relationship is making you feel so unhappy, I'd end it. Not to affect her or establish that she will crave your attention- you don't know if that is what she will do. If you end it, it's for YOU. Not for her. I hope this helps. Relationships can be so much better and happier than this, I promise you!

 

Take care,

 

Ilse