am i too controlling or is he inconsiderate?

[winter_light]

hi

i'm new here. thx for reading this. it's kind of long.

 

i've been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 years; for most of that time we've lived together. i'm trying to live on my own now because i'm fed up with his behavior. issue at hand is this, and i'm just trying to get a sense of whether i'm being reasonable here or overreacting:

 

bf tends to stay out super-late once, twice a week, sometimes 3x a week. depends. used to be that he'd be out drinking after work, he doesn't have a cellphone so would rarely call me to say he'd be back, would return between 1 and 4 am drunk, okay, obviously, this seriously sucked. sometimes he'd call, say "i'll be home in an hour", would come home 3 or 4 hours later. (once we made plans for dinner with friends of mine, he never showed up, left me there wondering what had happened to him. he didn't flake on me because of drinking, he just chickened out apparently and didn't call or show up.) why am i still here? well, i'm in the process of trying to separate our living situations and move on, i am going crazy living with him, but he isn't gone yet, and i have to get through this and am having a hard time.

 

ok, so his drinking has stopped. (this is a huge improvement, obviously.) so now he's not out drinking til late; he's out working on projects with two friends of his. i don't know these friends, he's never made an effort to introduce me to one of them, and the other one i met briefly in passing. i've become deeply distrustful (he calls it jealous, and there is some jealousy in it, i am well aware of that) of his friendships, not because i feel like something sexual is going on; rather because i feel totally left out. i've gotten incredibly angry over this, and so i understand why he's sort of wary about introducing me to his friends — i've become really bent out of shape over meeting some of his other friends. let me try to explain that: he's been incredibly bad at introducing me to people. we would meet a friend of his on the street and he would fail to introduce me. i would feel increasingly horrible until finally it erupted into anger at him (not in front of the other person). i felt invisible and ignored. maybe this is just his horrible people skills, but i thought that if he cared about me he would make the effort to change. indeed, he started introducing me to people sometimes, after i brought it up several times, but it always felt forced and awkward, like i was making him do this thing he just didn't want to do. in the past, bf's have been excited about introducing me to their friends, even happy about it. i have tried to include him in things with my friends, but a lot of the time he's not interested, so i do a lot of things on my own.

 

so. my point is, i have a lot of anger going on around these issues, and despite having expressed how i feel a million times over, the essense of what's going on doesn't seem to have changed.

 

finally, the point: last night, he spends the night working with these 2 friends again (as he did the night before, and tells me he might be doing most nights of the week from now on). he writes me an e-mail while i'm at work (i work evening hours but arrive home by 9 pm or so) saying he'll probably return earlier than he did the night before (which was at 2 am). so i get home after work and seeing a friend around midnight, hopeful that he'll be home. he's not. i try to sleep, but grow increasingly upset and anxious, sad, disappointed, angry, etc. realizing he's not coming back. 3 am comes around and he comes back.

 

i am incredibly angry with him (not enraged, just angry), and try to explain to him that at the heart of my anger is this deep-seated feeling that i can't count on him, that he doesn't put nearly half this much time into our relationship, that if he cared why didn't he call to say he'd be late? at least? (honestly, i wish i could be part of everything, i wish i felt in the least bit included, i wish i felt like he wanted me there, i wish he'd made some sort of effort to introduce me to these people he spends so much time with every week, but he just hasn't. and i've grown so bitter over it that i am not at all interested in meeting them anymore; i am envious, yes! i am also confused! and i feel stupid about the whole thing, for tolerating this behavior for so long, for always accepting it.)

 

anyway i tell him all of this, and he gets angry at me for being angry and says there was no phone available to call me on and that he refuses to feel guilty for living his own life and wanting to keep working on his project as long as he liked. and how he can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't understand that and is jealous of his friends and can't understand the limitations of his situation (no phone, no way to contact me, so i just have to deal). and how he compromises all the time for me (how exactly, i don't know) and he says that he left his friends' place knowing i would be mad at him, and that i can't be happy for him doing what he wants to do. i tried to explain my point of view, but i am at a loss. i feel like i'm going crazy with frustration.

 

i am angry at him, and i really really want to be living away from him, but also, i am incredibly sad. i've shown him my weaknesses: yes, i can be a stupidly jealous person. yes, i can be stupidly angry. but at the heart of it all is just that i have kept on wanting and hoping and trying to be part of his life, but he won't let me in while also not letting me go. (the part i haven't said is that when we get along, which used to be all the time, i am more comfortable with him than i have been with anyone in a very very long time, and i had more fun with him than i've had with most people in my life, and i loved that. i *want* to be closer to him. i had stupid hopes and daydreams about being with him for a long time, which i *don't* have about bfs usually.)

 

i am angry enough to just throw his things in the street. this anger isn't new, but i've gotten better at dealing with it (like writing this down instead). maybe none of this matters. maybe it's just that i'm too controlling for him and he is too inconsiderate for me. i just wish i could feel something besides this absolutely helpless anger at him.

 

has anyone out there been through anything like this before? how did you handle it? he is supposed to be moving out in a month, but every day is feeling like eternity, and even worse is the fact that we were getting along really well until last night; i keep thinking things have changed, that he understands why i get hurt and angry and upset, but then these things happen and obviously nothing is different and i go crazy again. am i just too needy?

 

thank you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

i thought that if he cared about me he would make the effort to change.

 

That right there is the problem. You expect him to be something he's not. If you can't accept him for who he is, then you should just say good bye. Expecting someone to change because of you is not fair to them, they are entitled to be who they are and you share that with them. Making demands that they act this way, come home at this time, and so on starts to get like having a warden and not a partner.

 

Is he in school? If so, that's what should come first, from the sound of your relationship, it doesn't seem like its a long term investment, but and education is something he could use for the rest of his life.

[kekep]

I went through something similar, but not to this degree, with my ex. I always felt jealousy and anger b/c he would stay out late, not call when he said he would, etc., and even though I tried to tell myself it was my own faults and insecurities, it actually wasn't. Realizing that the relationship was a two-way street that BOTH sides need to work on gave me the strength to leave it. It sounds like you have tried to tell him your feelings about him drinking and staying out late, but they have fallen on deaf ears. To make matters worse, he doesn't introduce you to the people he is supposedly hanging out with. I would be especially PO'd if my boyfriend didn't introduce me to his friends or acquaintances. That's just plain disrespect right there.

 

That's what it all comes down to: do you feel respected and loved in this relationship? It sounds like the answer is no. I say, don't give him until the end of the month to get out; dump his a*s out on the street PRONTO. If he wants you badly enough, he'll do what he can to prove he is worthy of your love. But you need to stand up for yourself and not take his crappy treatment for one second longer.

[kuhaaica]

I probally dont have much to offer here. sorry.

 

But as far as i am concerned, it is the era of technology, no cell phone fine, there are pay phones on every corner on every block. There is no excuse.

 

"dealing with it" i dont think you are dealing with it, i think slowly you have lowered your standards out of survivial and now some of these things are bareable...... when 6 months ago this would have been an outrage to you.....not a good thing. You deserve better

 

I am in a situation of my own, and survival is the key, i too have been lowering my standards to make life with him liveable.... still not a good thing.

 

Hope this helps.

[kuhaaica]

WELL SAID

And to the respondant above, yes he has the right to be himself, but when you commit yourself to a relationship you are no longer the only person to worry about. You have to attend to your partners feelings, you have to be respectful and considerate which he is clearly not doing not even making a simple phone call.

[Sally57chevy]

You would not have posted concerns about this relationship....IF you were NOT concerned. Instinct is something money can't buy. Go with your gut.

[winter_light]

That right there is the problem. You expect him to be something he's not. If you can't accept him for who he is, then you should just say good bye. Expecting someone to change because of you is not fair to them, they are entitled to be who they are and you share that with them. Making demands that they act this way, come home at this time, and so on starts to get like having a warden and not a partner.

 

(i hope i'm posting the quotes correctly!)

 

while i understand this point of view (in fact, it's one of the reasons i'm miserable; i don't like feeling like a nagging gf/warden at all, but at the same time, i don't think it's right or fair to deny the feelings that come up for me when my bf doesn't communicate with me about what's going on with him, esp as we live together, etc, esp when my feelings are so strong), i think it's important to understand that when i said i hoped he would change, i didn't mean that i wanted him to change who he was; rather, i think it's reasonable to expect that he'd be willing to work on acknowledging and changing certain aspects of his behavior (like not introducing me to a friend of his and leaving me standing there, awkwardly trying to figure out whether to just introduce myself) if he cared enough about making the relationship work. (and likewise, that i'd be willing to talk about and work on things about my behavior that might come accross as rude or inconsiderate or disrespectful: i don't believe it's healthy to tolerate bad behavior under the guise of "just accept me for who i am.")

 

what's funny is that he himself has said what you said, CarnelianButterfly, in his own words of course. in fact, it's his argument whenever i bring up an issue like this; and it feels to me like he uses it as a "get out of jail free" pass. i bring up how i've felt as a result of something he's done (or not done, like not calling), and he says he's entitled to be who he is and if i can't accept that, that's my problem. which seems to me like a total cop-out! i don't think my requests are unreasonable or irrational. (are they?) i know what they spring from at their root and it's a desire to be closer to him, to know him better, and to be better friends and better partners. i suggested we see a counselor about a year ago, and he didn't exactly refuse, he just never did anything about it one way or the other, said he wanted to go and then, after i made appts for us twice, he cancelled on me both times.

 

the whole situation is stupid, because i know what would make it better but i can't make the change happen unless i just up and leave (or toss his stuff out, which may be what i should be doing right now instead of typing this!). i suggested living apart months ago, but he's made no move to leave despite, apparently, having all kinds of problems with me (that only come up when i'm already angry at him and he's on the defensive). i'm on the lease and i would like to not have to leave my home. i think what's really getting to me is that it feels like no matter what i do, i'm always the bad guy. he accuses me of always directing things (being controlling), but then won't make any decisions or initiate plans. he says my anger makes him not want to tell me things, but won't take me up on my offer to go to counseling to try and learn tools for understanding and dealing with this anger, nor will he suggest other solutions. he tells me i just don't understand who he is, but then he refuses to share anything with me.

 

"dealing with it" i dont think you are dealing with it, i think slowly you have lowered your standards out of survivial and now some of these things are bareable...... when 6 months ago this would have been an outrage to you.....not a good thing. You deserve better

 

kuhaaica, thanks for pointing this out. you are right. i've lowered my standards, but i've been waking up and wanting those standards to be met again, and that is why there is so much friction. i hope your own situation improves. i'm sure you deserve better as well.

 

Realizing that the relationship was a two-way street that BOTH sides need to work on gave me the strength to leave it.

 

yes. i am with you. reading those words made me feel much less alone.

 

thank you. writing this all down and reading your replies has helped me get through today.

[candy604]

he has bad people skills but it has to be taught. Don't get overly angry but you have to put it in a way to make him understand why his behaviour is hurtiing you or is not benificial to him. But don't expect him to change in a second, it won't happen. It takes time and it's hard and it takes work on both parts.

 

If he's bad at introducing you to people. Just remind him he should and if you do happen to be there and he doesn't just be like oh who are your friends and introduce urself! or poke him and say hey who are ur friends! It'll remind him he should have done it. He probably doesnt' even know its disrespectfu to you and it does sound like a bad habit.

 

And about communication. tell him that in a relationship communication is important 24/7. Tell him how it makes you worried and sick and you do wait up for him if he doesn't call you ( he could be in trouble or something). He really needs to learn how to manage his time. haha personally i hate people that are late as well. it happens, but it can be worked on.

 

Just don't get angry but approach it in a different way that makes him see why he should change with suggestions. Eg. like being home on time b/c you are worried sick n stay up late waiting for him. And tell him your not jeolous of his friends but as a gf you like to meet his friends I'm sorry why can't he get a cell phone? also are you also able to get ahold of his friends phone no.s?

 

Your not being unreasonable. My friend broke up with her bf b/c he has a terrible habit of not calling for 3 days here and there and its long distance as well. And i had another friend whose ex-bf never introduced her to his friends while they were out. She just didn't have the courage to tell him even thought i told her too. Sigh..

[Juliana]

Too controlling would be telling him he "couldn't" go out. Asking him to phone so that you will know he's okay and that he's thinking of you, that's not so much. Husbands do it all the time -- that's how they get to be husbands, and not clothes-on-the-street-sleeping-on-their-sister's-couch bums!

[Dako]

A guy's POV:

You use the word anger so often in your OP, I wonder if you're exhausted by trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear. This guy is who is is, and if his manners, habits and treatment of you make you angry, I'd suggest ending it.

 

That said, I have to admit identifying with your BF. I was once a lot like him. I seldom paid attention to some basic social conventions, was rude, unreliable, high on whatever and free as a bird. It was a pain to change my habits, and sometimes I felt something was lost along the way.

 

He must care about you, feels pressured to change, has a lifestyle he sees at risk, and knows changing his way of life is a huge undertaking to please one person. An angry person.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this, except to point out that he deserves to be understood.

[rmpavlock]

He might be feeling pressured or whatever, but that doesn't mean that she should stick around for more of his bad habits. If he really cared, he would be putting in the effort. If it's too much of a hassle, I would assume the guy doesn't want to make the effort for the relationship. It's a two way street and it sounds to me like she's been dealing with this for awhile. It has been two years. If it hasn't changed by now, is it going to?

[Dako]

He might be feeling pressured or whatever, but that doesn't mean that she should stick around for more of his bad habits.

 

If that's a response to my post, you must've missed my suggestion to end it. Of course any of us should leave a relationship we don't want.

 

I suspect winter_light has strong feelings for this guy if she endured 2 years of his "bad habits" and still remains. Only she can decide if it's worth more time, but after such a long list of grievances I doubt it.

 

Somehow I thought the unreliable rude male contingent was underrepresented here.

[Miss M]

Winter Light, some of the most alarming things you've written indicate that hanging around with someone who treats you so badly, while listening to his endless excuses and cop-outs and accusations, all of that is causing you to regard yourself with such a critical lens that you don't really deserve. I think you've put up with way too much for way too long. Yes, I'd also suggest that you get away from him ASAP, because what you're describing is emotionally toxic, and very harmful. And please do spend some time accepting and reinforcing your own perspective again... and also limit the time you spend around people who reinforce and encourage your own self-criticism. Besides getting away from him, you're in need of a lot of healing, and a few good doses of healthy self-acceptance. It might take some time to make a good readjustment in having a healthy regard for yourself. Good luck.

[winter_light]

Hey, thanks for the "unreliable rude male perspective." I think I know this deep deep inside—that he deserves to be understood—and don't want to admit it, or can't without help (even just reading your post), because of how angry I've been. I'm not sure *why* I don't want to admit it, I suspect it has something to do with a fear that if I acknowledge his perspective has validity, I'll lose him. Or I'll lose control over the situation and have to acknowledge that it's out of my hands. Or I'll have to give up on it. Which I haven't wanted to do.

 

Or maybe this is most accurate: I want to be able to accept him and be happy with who he is, accept him as-is; obviously this is not happening, and at first I saw it as there being something wrong with me: my sense of humor isn't good enough, I'm too insecure to deal with his bad social habits, I'm too "normal" in my habits. Then my feelings shifted, as my frustration grew: Maybe things he is doing are actually rude/inconsiderate/disrespectful and that is part of why I feel so upset. Maybe this is not just in my head.

 

Which is probably when I should have ended it, because I've been angry and unable to hear his side of things since then. (A bit of an exaggeration, but mostly true. He does complain that I don't listen to him, that his words don't mean anything to me. Ok, but I feel like his actions speak louder anyway.) And of course that's not fair for either of us. That said, he's an adult, in theory anyway, and is able to raise issues and/or suggest breaking up with me whenever he likes. Partly I've been angry because in addition to his behavior, he refuses to acknowledge that there's validity to my emotions. He'll tell me it's my choice to feel the way I feel and that how I feel isn't based on anything real. Of course, he's right in one sense: the intensity of my feelings is coming from *me,* and may sometimes be an overreaction to a particular incident. Clearly these are hot buttons for me. It seemed to me that working on these issues together would bring us closer. Yet he doesn't want to be (or isn't capable of) working on them.

 

Also, I have never before been this outwardly angry at anyone in my life. I suspect it's progress for me (before my anger was always self-directed), but nevertheless I'm surprised at how angry I've been with him. I don't like it, though I'm also relieved that I'm able to express something honestly instead of hiding it. And yes, I'm in therapy! Which helps.

 

ANYWAY, I don't know if any of this is making sense, but let me give a little more perspective to the overall situation: his staying out until the wee hours of the morning is only the issue I was dealing with in the immediate, when I wrote the first post. The larger scenario is of course too complicated to write down completely (whose isn't) but part of the frustration/anger comes from his drinking (he's admitted he's an alcoholic, an admission that stunned me) ... like I said in the first post, the drinking has stopped, but there are still issues around it that are huge and that need to be talked about sometime... and part of it comes from his passivity in general.

 

People have asked why he doesn't get a cellphone. He doesn't have a stable income; he makes a living, but he has no bank account, no credit, etc. Thus, no cellphone. Thus, no reliability. Also, he is not in school. When I met him he didn't seem of this world, which at the time was very comforting for me (though I also feel it's important to be able to negotiate the world rather than hide from it all the time). I know that probably sounds loopy and vague.

 

When I met him, he was very nurturing and gentle with me (and still can be), and I had never met anyone remotely like that, anyone who clearly was just that way, and not putting on an act to get attention from a girl. He hadn't dated anyone in years. He made me dinner, cleaned my apartment, and generally looked after me in a way that was sweet and immensely kind. He taught me how to take care of plants, he taught me that gentleness is possible in a relationship. These qualities, among others, are part of why I love him and turned a blind eye to the practical realities I didn't want to deal with. Also, I have no problem with people having unorthodox ways of being in the world; in fact, I appreciate it. But I'll admit that I would like to be included in his world. I liked being in it, and I was hoping it would open up further to me, rather than him keeping me at arm's length from it.

 

You can probably see this coming: part of the problem now is that I bear way too many of the regular day-to-day responsibilities of living... I've located every place we've lived in together, he borrows my car, my computer, my clothes, he rides the extra bike I own because he won't/doesn't have the money to fix his own bike… I voice my annoyance with these things but that doesn't result in change. It's as if he just doesn't hear me say, "Hey, you can't keep riding my bike." He continues anyway, relying on my good nature and telling me (if I object) that I seem to care more about things than about getting along. Which of course isn't the real issue. The real issue is that sharing is fine, but it's gotta be a give and take. And instead it feels like a give give give on my part. (My bad for taking on all those responsibilities, I know that, it's typical "codependent" behavior and one of my many need-to-work-on issues.)

 

I think he is capable of getting his act together; it seems like something went awry in his life and he sort of fell apart and hasn't ever really healed. I guess part of why I've stayed is an unhealthy sort of egotism on my part: I want to believe I can make him happier, can help him heal, can be supportive, and I'm just beginning to realize that instead of support I'm really just enabling bad habits.

 

Part of what makes me insane is that to me it seems like he's painted himself into a dependent corner, wherein he can be nothing *but* a victim; he refuses to help himself, to get a stable source of income or take care of his health. This strikes me as selfish and not good for anyone, including himself. I resent the dependency on me (coupled by the inability to be considerate of my emotions) and thus, voila, my anger. But yes, I do believe he cares about me despite all of this.

 

And yes, I do have strong feelings for him despite everything (which is it's own issue: why am I attracted to this? I'm beginning to think I only believe someone will stay with me if they need me) and also, yes, I am trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear as you said, and so I should go. And yet it is so hard!

 

Clearly, though, I have better things to do. Like the healing Miss M talked about, and moving on to other parts of my life.

 

Thank you for reading all these words and for the perspective and thoughtful replies. They are much appreciated.

[Dako]

Winter,

 

You seem to be a very understanding lady. I'm sure whatever decisions you make are well-reasoned. You've done a lot for this guy, but he needs to grow up a bit without leaning on you. I wish you luck.

[Miss M]

Winter Light, the more you write, the more your story sounds VERY familiar. Wow, I'm stunned at our similarities, and I just want to let you know someone really understands how you feel. I wish you luck in getting free of this guy. BTW I'm also in therapy, for a very long time, learning how not to ever get caught in this type of trap again. I think therapy is very wise, and I wish you the best with that.

 

Part of what makes me insane is that to me it seems like he's painted himself into a dependent corner, wherein he can be nothing *but* a victim;

You may already know this but he has also painted YOU into a very tough corner, a lot of double-binds where no matter what you do it's still somehow WRONG. He mistreats you, neglects you, and then finds endless ways to make you wrong for not liking the bad treatment. And he also plays the victim with you, making you the villainess for treating him badly, but he's really the one treating you badly. He's also creating emotional addictions in you, which is also very bad. Yes, this all very familiar to me, and this is seriously toxic to your emotions, because he's teaching you how to compulsively criticize yourself while he mistreats and neglects you. After reading your last post, I read the title again "am I too controlling or is he inconsiderate?" ...geez. One of the signs that you're in a very bad toxic relationship is when you're doing all the one-sided giving, but still questioning yourself in this way. No sweetheart, you are NOT too controlling (at least not in the way you thought). And yes he is totally inconsiderate (among other things

 

Good luck on your healing journey.

[winter_light]

Winter Light, the more you write, the more your story sounds VERY familiar. Wow, I'm stunned at our similarities, and I just want to let you know someone really understands how you feel. ...

 

Good luck on your healing journey.

 

Thanks for the support and understanding, Miss M I'm sorry you've gone through something similar to this. Today has been incredibly hard, but I'm still here. I suppose I should be posting this in the Relationship: Break Ups section from now on but it seems silly to break up the thread (no pun intended), so here I am.

 

*warning: very long, lots of venting

here's where i'm at now. last night our paths crossed (we still live in the same house, but he is supposed to be out by the end of month). he wanted to use something of mine, but since i wasn't asleep at 3 am when he came home (i was wide awake full of pent-up feelings, writing things down in some hope of maintaining my sanity till morning), he had to talk to me first. and i wouldn't let him use my stuff. he's always using my stuff as i think i already mentioned. this pisses me off. so, we fought, of course. at this point i relish the fight. i am so angry that it feels good to fight. i want him to know how hurt i am. i want him to know exactly how much pain i'm in.

 

and oddly, i keep fighting because i want more than anything to hear him say he cares about me. more than anything i want him to hold me. more than anything i want him to apologize and understand/promise to change and actually go with me to therapy and see through my anger to what is at the heart of it which is i wanted him close to me and i am so angry that he hasn't let me be close. i want him to acknowledge how distant he has kept me. i want him to stop telling me it is me who pushes him away (although i do, with my anger, it is my now well-established defense against his thoughtlessness and inconsiderateness and general disrespect for my feelings). and he says, validly i think, that it's impossible to get anywhere with me because i am always pissed and attacked him. okay. true enough. what i wish he would stop and think about is why i'm so pissed off.

 

and i want my friend back. i am so angry that i cannot get close to him. i am like a five-year-old child and i want him back, i want his love, i want his closeness, i want his smile back, i want to feel that happiness again and i am furious that it is gone. and like a child i can only throw a tantrum and rail against something i cannot change and in the process alienate him further. i hate that i am the one who has had to break us up, that he won't do it, but will point out all of my flaws. still, he is right: i attack him, and his reaction to that is to shut down completely, and so it goes nowhere.

 

he is an alcoholic and a daily pot smoker. i don't drink or do any drugs. totally sober all of the time. this does not make me better than him. but i know that at times i have acted as though it does, in part because i'm angry that those things take him away from me. also i guess i should have left as soon as i realized those things were not okay with me. they should have been dealbreakers, but my heart was already fixed on him by the time i stopped being in denial about it, and i allowed him to manipulate me with the whole "you're judging me for smoking pot. you're so judgmental" approach. i didn't want him to see me as judgmental and uptight, so i started trying to ignore the substance use (at least the pot. i could not ignore the drinking).

 

so i didn't do the responsible thing. i should have left a long time ago. i didn't. i guess he probably should have too and didn't. last night he told me he is sick of how cruel i have been to him. he has a valid point. he then proved his own cruelty by telling me that i might not stay up at night wanting him to call me and tell me what's going on with him and where he is and that he's not coming home till 3 am if i "had a life." he then confused me further by saying that the only reason he didn't come home until 3 was that he was making something for me, and then he laughed and said how funny that was, that he was making a gift for me and when i came home i was so mad at him that now he didn't want to give it to me. but that night, the night in question, he never mentioned making a gift for me. he didn't come home and say, "hello, i am so sorry i didn't call, i was making something—for you!—i hope you'll understand." instead he came home and said hello and waited for me to be furious, which i was. now i feel like i was set up.

 

i'm beginning to think he is enjoying being mean to me. somehow this makes me wonder if all of my anger isn't based on something real. i wonder if he is provoking me and i'm too naive to see it. after all, he knows my buttons by now: stay out late. don't call. drink. take my stuff and return it broken or needing repair. invalidate my feelings. use my weaknesses against me (i've been open with him about jealousy i feel, and he uses it against me now).

 

i know i have hurt him in ways that are not okay, not right, and i don't want to be this person. but i also don't like who he is any longer. i don't like this person who isn't honest with me about what he does or where he goes (a friend of mine told me last night that she ran into him—he never told me this—and that they smoked pot together and he told her all about these projects he's working on—things he's never even spoken of to me, probably because, in his words, i would be jealous). of course, i was hurt upon hearing this from her. and jealous, yes. and angry at him. fun!

 

SO. here we are. i'm not sure any longer whether i like him at all. i know i'm not indifferent. he's recently become more and more distant, saying he doesn't feel safe telling me things (ironically, it was the fact that he was distant—through drinking, through rarely including me in his life outside of our relationship—that i began to become so angry and frustrated). of course he doesn't feel safe around me! i attack him constantly. his way of dealing with my anger is to retreat further, which then makes me angrier. you get the idea.

 

i know he came from a neglected and abusive childhood, and i honestly wonder whether he chose me and stayed with me (subconsciously) because this sort of anger directed at him is all he's known. he told me his mother used to tell him she hated him, much as i have done.

 

and this may sound absurd, but i wanted to be better than this. i wanted to be the loving person in his life who he felt safe enough to work through all this stuff with. i wanted to be better than how i have been. i wanted to be on his side. and i wasn't. i wasn't on his side as soon as i realized that meant him coming home passed out drunk and sometimes breaking things, sometimes peeing in the bed, sometimes falling asleep on the floor with his eyes still half-open. i wasn't on his side as soon as i judged him for smoking pot, which i did. and yet i wanted him to be on my side, which isn't fair, is it? he says i've put too many conditions on him. i have seen no other way to be, obviously, or else i would have acted differently. but at the same time it didn't seem fair to expect me to accept all this absolutely awful behavior.

 

i know it sounds idiotic after all of this ranting and venting about him but i miss him terribly anyway. i miss feeling like we were friends. it was truly comforting to have a friend to cuddle with and hold hands with and look forward to seeing at the end of the day. i looked forward to the simplest things, riding our bikes together, making dinner together, watching stupid tv together. these things were so sweet that i suppose they're why i have ignored everything else for so long. the hope that these things will return. eternally optimistic and absolutely naive.

 

i want that sweetness back so badly, even though i know it has nowhere to grow and probably never did. there isn't any ground for it to take root in, the ground is the trust part, the good solid earth that just ain't going anywhere. there is no ground, so the sweetness can't grow. which i regret so much now, not being able to trust. it's not all my fault that i didn't trust him, but i truly truly wish i could have.

 

sorry this went on forever. it just helps to write it down.

[Miss M]

Winter Light, I'm so sorry you're going through so much difficulty. But darling, what you're describing are the classic dynamics and symptoms and feelings of something that counselors and therapists call "trauma bonding." It is a situation where you perceive the source of your emotional pain as also being the place to get relief from your pain. That means when someone hurts you, you feel even MORE attracted and attached to him, because your emotional conditioning perceives him as being your source of relief from the pain he has caused. When someone hurts you, abandons you, betrays you, neglects you, accuses you, criticizes you, you feel even more attracted to him, because you feel that getting him to stop hurting you will somehow ease your pain.

 

Another very big part of the problem is that you feel enormously and constantly invalidated, so you think if you can convince him to validate you that will make you feel better. You've lost the ability to validate yourself. So instead of getting away from the emotional abuse (like a normal person), your feeling of invalidation makes you feel strongly drawn towards it, addicted to it, codependent on it. And you desperately need him to admit he's wrong before you can allow yourself to believe it and feel and accept it for yourself.

 

Yet another aspect is that sometimes you even take over the role of criticizing yourself on his behalf, willingly taking ownership for how you've supposedly mistreated him, indicting yourself with a verdict of "guilty as charged" when you perceive yourself as acting irrationally (although you're actually responding exactly as you should during those times). And you start to perceive him as the innocent victim while seeing yourself as the abuser of him. You start confessing all the ways you've mistreated him, self-accusing, pleading guilty, and magnifying your "wrong" behavior even to yourself, all while minimizing, excusing, and rationalizing the ways he has abused you. When you have angry outbursts, please try to stop perceiving that as proof that you're wrong, because it's really the evidence that you're still able to respond appropriately to a bad situation. Your anger is a healthy sign. You're angry because you're able to still recognize that you're being mistreated, not because you're doing anything wrong.

 

I hope your therapist understands what's really happening to you, because this is a confusing thing to guide a person through during therapy. And all therapists aren't trained to handle this particular kind of complicated problem. Also I hope you can realize that the things you crave from him aren't really the things that will help you in the end. If he ever gives you what you want, it will only "hook" you even more, just like a junkie. You have to reshape the way you think of your emotional cravings so you come to understand that you shouldn't seek those kinds of things from him.

 

I'd also suggest that you should consciously look for every opportunity to let yourself off the hook, to help you break free of the pattern of self-blame. And you need to practice diligently regarding yourself in a compassionate and forgiving way so you can regain proper healthy perspective. And you need to realize that your anger at him is logical and valid and just, and yes, even healthy.

 

If you're interested in reading about this so you can understand what's been happening, I'd recommend some books that were key in helping me get good perspective again.

 

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking free of exploitative relationships by Patrick J. Carnes

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It And How To Respond by Patricia Evans

 

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On relatonship and recovery by Patricia Evans

 

Controlling People: How to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you by Patricia Evans

 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft

 

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

 

You've got to stop getting sucked into the games he's playing, stop taking the bait, stop looking to him for emotional validation, stop hoping he will offer you relief from the pain, stop listening to him dangle non-existent carrots while he's also blaming you for not being worthy of what he "almost" did for you.

 

And no, you don't sound idiotic at all, at least not to me, because I've been there, and I totally know just how you feel. Yes, keep writing because it seems to help you. And also journal. I'll be here to help in any way I can.