my husband doesnt want me

[steppenwolf]

my husband of 12 years has asked me to leave the home, because he is sick of us fighting, which i agree....

but when i moved out, he was busy packing for his fishing weekend away..

he says that he doesnt want us to live together anymore....at the moment, he says that this trip was for him to think things over, when was he going to do that, when he was fishing, drinking, partying with OUR friends, or sleeping? He is also partying with the friends that used to me OURS and he has no idea why that hurts me, one of them, a married woman will NOT stop flirting with him and he thinks i should be ok with that.

i have leased a house for 6 months....should know in that time if we are going to get back together or not.

while we are separated i asked him not to see anybody else....his answer was "i dont know, maybe"...then he asked "for how long"...then he says he if he meets someone else then of course he doenst want me anymore....I feel that he is going thru a mid life crisis, he was 25 when we met and i was 31, i think he is want to sow some wild oats so to speak.....how am i supposed to read these messages....in the next sentence he says just wait till the dust settles and see what happens???

i feel that he is RID of me but cant tell me, and is saying all these hurtful things to me to make me not want HIM anymore.......he tells me he doesnt need me but its not the same as not wanting me........and he says i play mind games???

i would be interested to hear a MALE point on this subject

[CarsonV]

Well I dont know how i would be qualified to answer this, Im very young, and not the male perspective you asked for, but my parents separated about a year ago, they fought all the time and eventually my dad moved out. When my mom tried living without my dad she just realized how much she needed him. I think if your husband wants you to move out and try being separated for a while, you should definitely do that. Actually, I think you should be the bigger person and give him space, theres nothing that bothers me more than depserate women that just beg their men to take them back... go back to kind of playing hard to get...if it is meant to be he will realize how much he loves you and how much he needs you with him...if not, then it just wasnt meant to be, there are other fish in the sea...but just remember the saying "They say if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours forever..." just give him some space, as hard as that is.

 

Hope I helped a little...be strong youll get through this...

[Gilgamesh]

It does sound like he is going through a Mid-life crises, then again, its hard to know if its just that, or maybe you have just drifted apart in your lifestyles and personalities.

 

Whatever the reason, he doesnt seem to be handling it with any consideration towards you, after all you are his wife, he has a commitment to try and make things work out, counseling, talking etc.

 

What it looks like to me, is that he has already left you, in his mind, but wants to break up with you in a way, that he can get you back, if things dont work out the way he has planned.

 

He will probably, do his thing for awhile, "sow his oats", once this passes, he will probably want you back, it seems cliche' but it happens that way so often.

 

The big question is, will you still want him back "IF" he decides to come back to you, after all the bad ways he has treated you? Will you be able to forgive him, if he cheats on you? Its all up to you.

 

Maybe the reason he is leaving is not all his fault, only you know all the details here, you can only give us "your" perspective. So take a hard long look at what is happening between you two, try and get to the heart of the problem, discuss it over with him. It just could be, nobody is at fault here, Both of you need to want to make it work, if he has already given up, then there is not much you can do, you only account for half the relationship, so dont take all the responsability if if doesnt work out.

[overcorrect]

Unfortunately, I think that all marriages reach a point where without some type of counsel there is a communication breakdown that could ultimately lead to speculation and resentment. This relationship you describe has not deteriorated overnight and it won't get fixed overnight. You cannot change how he is acting or the things he is saying, ever. There is only one person who you have complete control over and that person is yourself. Self-value and self worth are the two most important components you could have about yourself to get past this. It is obvious that he places no worth (right now) on how you feel because I believe he doesn't care (and might not ever again). It's pretty evident that right now he is going through some type of crisis about his life and unfortunately your pain is the byproduct of his problem. Something (probably with no foundation) is fueling him to act this way and I believe it is probably another woman. I'm almost willing to bet that once this "fuel" has expended itself or is removed then being single to him will not be so much fun anymore. I'm almost willing to bet that if this fuel is this married woman that you mention then when the opportunity develops past the novelty stage that she will remove herself without any prompting because it's too much baggage for her to deal with.

There are two ways you can deal with this crap... you can crawl in a hole and give up or you can do something constructive and positive. I learned a long time ago that once hurt I had a tendency to just feel like I was worth nothing and I would drive my car aimlessly around at night until I got so exhausted thinking about it I would almost pass out behind the wheel from being tired. The only thing I ever got out of that behavior was massive amounts of mileage on my car. Then I learned years later that whenever I felt like crap about being dumped I would expend that negative and emotional energy into something that was positive for my self worth. I began working out at an incredible rate (6 times a week) and instead of feeling like someone had kicked me in the stomach I would feel invigorated and alive beyond what I ever expected. I started feeling good about myself even though I missed her and eventually I found that I was past it. I changed and controlled myself for the better. Guess what... it sure made her curious about me years later but it was too late for her. I believe things happen for a reason. I have found that the darkest hours in my life are the times that I learned the most about what I could accomplish and myself. You could too. For real. Make this time the moment in your life where you try new things and new activities that you've always wanted to do and have never had made time to do. Find something that would increase your image of yourself. I have to say it again... things happen for a reason. DO NOT accept that your life is "ruined forever" now that he is doing what he is doing. In essense you are saying that when you are 70 years old you would still be pining over him. That's not realistic. Make him eat the fact that he told you "I don't know, maybe" when you asked him not to see anyone else. I had a girlfriend one time tell me that "maybe" she didn't love me anymore and guess what I did... I recognized what kind of worth she placed on me and I broke up with her instead... the empowerment was incredible and what's even more funny about it was I still loved her at the time and we are still friendly today (even though I will never want her in a relationship again). I believe that he needs you more than you or he knows, but that doesn't mean he knows it now... burn fuel burn... I'm curious as to what happens.

 

One last thing... if he does come back and you two decide to work it out you must both realize and agree to seek some type of marriage counseling. We were not taught in school how to communicate in a troubled relationship and without the counseling, then the relationship will be doomed to repeat this type of incident.

[KeppleClarence]

This is weird, forget him go have some fun do what you have to do if its on the cards that you will get back together than great but why waste your time waiting for him?

[alpha]

I agree with ones who say playhard to get. That's a perspective of a mature male. However, it is a short term solution. Long term... who knows.