My story

[RRB]

Recently split from my girlfriend, we were together 9 months but best friends for 4 years before that. I honestly feel she was my soulmate, we had so much in common i loved spending time with her. Before we hooked up into a relationship i was in the process of moving to a new city about 30 miles from where i used to live. We hooked up about 2 months before i moved. After we had been together for a few months after i moved she wasnt too happy with the situation so i said i would move back once i could find the right house to buy. Last week she told me it was over, i was devastated because as far as i knew everything was going fine. I really didnt get a proper explanation as to why. Due to being with her a lot i didnt get to grips with living in new city and spent a lot of my time back in old town.

 

I have suffered depression before but i dont exactly have a history of it and have contemplated taking my own life before but been afraid to do so. No i feel i have been sent over the edge. Im all alone in this now place now with no support at all and i dont have my best friend, she would have normally been the one i would talk to with my problems. I just really dont think i can handle being here on my own 24/7 and to be honest i really dont want to. I dont want to move back to my old town either as i would almost be in the same boat.

 

I have read posts advising people it gets easier with time etc, and im not a stupid person but i just dont think i have the strength to pull myself out of it this time. I normally would never have posted on a website like this and i dont know why i am to be honest. The only thing stopping me from taking my life at the moment is the fear factor but ive found myself browsing the internet for various painless ways to do it.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Welcome to enotalone.

 

Hang in there. You are welcome to vent your problems in life.

 

Yes, you are right, it gets easier with time when you meet new people.

 

Say hi to every smiley face you see walk pass you, most probably they will reply you. You could make new friends from here.

 

You could also do some voluntary work.

[robowarrior]

Let us be your support in these dark times, whenever you feel down come here and vent about it, then read the reply's. I comitted suicide in a previous life and was send back reincarnated and had to re-live and go thru all years of pain again, this becuase of the pain that i caused on my loved ones by comitting suicide, this action was send back as consequenses in the form of karma on my soul that i had to pay for. Or in other words, throwing in the towel is the worst thing you can do, this because you can't skip any staircases in life, you have to climb them all and experience everything in life. Otherwhise you'll have to go thru pain more unimaginable then you have ever been.

 

Or in other words, throwing your life into the gutter because of a girl is not the way to go. You see you have to show you have a life of your own independent of girls, meaning that you should never have gone into the relationship expecting it to work out just because it was 'your case', that doesn't mean things magically work out, things CAN go wrong in practise far more easily then things that go right. In reality a woman can pack her bags and leave anyday. If you knew that you would know that you can only love a person, you don't own anyone. You have to understand that life is like sand, it slips away from your hand.

 

You are not a stupid person, there are plenty of smart people who went down into the gutter, or in other words being smart doesn't equal that fortune will come your way.

 

However what is the right way to deal with it? You need to let her go in your mind, pick up the broken pieces of your heart, realise your relationship has come to a dead end road and glue the pieces of your heart back together again, and then you need to turn your car out of that dead end road and head back to the highway of life, and try to find new roads to travel.

 

Or in other words , your life still goes on, and yes a heartbreak hurts like hell, but it should go better if you go into a relationship with that knowledge, it would still hurt, but you'd be better prepared.

 

Don't go sitting in some closet and cry, and never appear. When your ready move on with your life, new oppertunities will arise, you just need to hold out your hands and grab them. thereforeeee hold on, even tho its hard.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to enotalone!

 

Isn't it strange that you post on this anonymous message board and *poof* all these new people are here that care about you?

 

I'm glad you came here. ((HUGS))

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this breakup with your gf of 9 months. Do you want to talk about it? What happened? Are you two still talking?

 

You know that if you are feeling this way and are afraid you can walk into any Emergency Room and they can get you a psych referral and hook you up with some supports to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

 

I get that you are very unhappy in your present situation, and don't necessarily see a way out of it just yet, but that you aren't sure that you want to end your life and blow any other options, and that's good.

 

Talk to us. That's why we are here.

[RRB]

Thanks for the replies.

 

My hassles do extend past my gf. I just feel now at my age (36) its all over, i dont have kids which i did want and set myself an age that when i got to it if i didnt have kids then i wouldnt have them. I dont even own my own home anymore and im now struggling to buy. It didnt help that she had talked about kids and up to the day we split everything seemed fine, and we were planning for me to move back to be with her and i still have this mindset for that which has now been crushed. It seems an easier option to end it than to feel this way. I have felt like before in my life and i really just do not want to go through it again. Im not that good at meeting new people. I really cant see me lasting long as i cannot bear to come home to this house and sit alone all the time. I just really dont have the strength or the motivation to continue down this road. If there was a 100% easy painless foolproof way of doing it i think that i would go for it, the way im feeling right now.

[Honey_30]

hey..

im sorry that you feel crappy right now, but please hang in there. this coming febuary it will be 3 years since my brother killed himself, his marriage failed, lost his home,his kids, she met someone new and moved this man into his house within a couple of weeks of kicking my bro out.

im no proffessional, but suicide isnt the answer, think about it, if you die thats it. you will never know what was waitng for you around the corner.

no matter how crappy you feel now, how do you knwo what life has in store for you later.

its very final to take your life, and so devastating for people who love you who are left behind .

take care and please hang in there

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hi Rrb here's my take, see I met my wife at 36 its true, so there is hope.

 

At 36 me I was ready, which means life has had a bloddy good go all ready at grainding you down. but your still here., at 36 you know that when you fall down you get back up. At 36 you have all ready cryed and sobed over death and life. Seen others sick and rise, 36 for me was just the start.

 

Are you really telling me that your done for, that your going to throw the towle in and cash out the big game, please don't not yet.

 

There are 3,500,000,000 female humans in the world, some where out there is Lady right, and all you have to do is find her, travil, have a brake make plane, getting rid of the house mines your free. out there is a hole world, go see it and come back a new man, or better still don't come back at all fine some where new to live. At 36 you have the power to do that, the knolage to and the will to.

 

 

lady right is thinking just what your thinking now, just as my wife did befor I met her, she had given up said thats it a singal life for me Ill never meet a good guy. I did not know this when I agred to go to a party, we met and 1 year marred.

 

Love you see has plains for you, you have now knaolage of.

 

 

Time to let the last stay just that the past and start making the futuer.

 

and O boy will it ever rock

[turqoise]

Hye, I hope you`re still here.

I know you`re hanging by a thread, and even that is screamingly hard to bear. I know. I have been on the verge, I was alone in Germany in hte middle of winter with no friends or family around when my boyfriend emotionally took advantage of me, and then dumped me. Before I realised I dropped to the depths of depression.

People say hang in there, try this and that, there`sa brighter future. But you can`t see it. You see no point.

So this is what helped me. With no effort, OK?

 

First - you don`t have to try. No effort. You are struggling through each day right now. For no effort, you must take time off work!!! Three weeks. It seems a huge time, but noone will think badly of you. You are going through depression. It`s a clinical state of being sad etc all the time where your happy seratonin chemicals are used up due to your brain experiecing a prolonged period of stress or panic. Over prolonged periods, this can also cause a frontal area of your brain which produces seratonin to SHRINK, making you incapable of acting, deciding, etc. So what you need is something to help you produce more seratonin, and grow that part of your brain, as well as reduce stress etc as close to zero to stop cortizol which is the exact opposite of seratonin. Work is the biggest obstruction, and it`s the first thing you need to get rid of or reduce drastically.

 

So, step 1. What you need to absolutely do is, get the following from a health store. If you can, great. If you don`t have the energy to, call someone, tell them you have depression and if they could help you by doing some errands. People will help you.

 

1. Protein drink - soy, not wheat. Protein builds seratonin. Instant mood raiser. Might want milk to mix it with. Usually 3 T per glass, but check instructions.

2. Phosphatydilserine capsules. Will give you a mood fix.

3. Omega3 Fish oil capsules. Builds seratonin.

4. Multivitamins - must have vitamins B, and 2:1 calcuim magnesium.

5. St Johns Wort tablets. Mood enhancers - take 3 weeks to kick in.

6. Carbs and veg. Potatoes, rice, pasta, veges. Stuff to eat.

 

I know it`s a lot, but I promise, buy this tomorrow if you can, and start taking them and it will relieve you a little from the horrible feelings you`re having now. Take one of each, 3 times a day, with carbs (bread, potatoes, pasta, rice) in every meal. You will feel a little better around 30 mins after you take your first lot.

 

NB. Anytime you`re feeling down, take another Phosphatydilserine. It`ll kick in in 30 minutes or so.

 

SOLGAR is a good brand. There are lots on the shelves, but this is quality stuff which will do the job it`s supposed to. It`s a bit expensive, but the most important thing right now is not the money. Make a list and buy the stuff when you`ve read this. Once you have it, then you don`t need to do anything else.

 

Seratonin, plus your shrunken brain will take a while to grow- they say 3-6 months if the depression has been ongoing, so keep taking all htes things even if you feel better after a week.

 

Step 2. Dont do anything you cant. Take 3 weeks off work, say you`re

sick. If you`re alone at home, sleep as much as you want, watch TV, don`t do the washing, that`S fine. Get up late. Reduce anything that you HAVE to do to a minumum, as you need to stop stressing over stuff that you feel you SHOULD do. Spend every day like that, it`s fine. If there`s something that you HAVE to do that you can`t cancel, then just start it.

 

3. No alcohol or sugar! Eat carbs, protein and veges as much as you can. These interfere with your mood levels quite drastically. If you like beer like me, I found sparkling mineral water did the trick cos it quenches your thirst the same way.

 

4. No games! No novels! Watch comedy or nice shows or DVDs on TV. But avoid any kind of game (chess, connect-4, video games, cards) like the plague. It uses up seratonin really quickly and you will feel * * * *ty very quickly. You can read easy stuff during the day, but avoid reading at night as it has the same effect.

 

4. If anyone tells you you`re being lazy, or if you think you are, you`re not! It`s all part of depression. You don`t want to work, you can`t do the dishes or laundry. Tell them that this is the case, and to look at info on the net about it.

 

5. FOR LATER. You will feel better every day over a week. When you feel up to it and only when you want to, take a short walk. Start with 5 minutes. Make sureyou go at a brsk pace, but not so much that you get tired (good pace stimulates oxygen and helps create seratonin quicker, but if you get tired the brain uses it up). Look at greenery when you feel like it - it will help you feel tranquil and relax your brain into creating seratonin.

 

I think this is probably enough to get you started. I really really hope you will give this a shot, as I would love to help stop the kind of suffering that I experienced. I wouldn`t wish it on anybody.

In case you are wondering, this was recommended to me by a guy that suffered from a break up and bankruptcy and depression in quick succession. He checked the net and saw doctors, but because he didn`T want t take prescribed medication, he reserched it and tested it with the help of some doctors. Lots of people who have tried it have felt better and better, including me. (PS, there`s lots of info on the net about depression, which might help to some point, but also a lot that is not much use as it`s a relatively new area so be careful)

 

Sending you lots of love and support and energy.

[RRB]

Still here yea. Still struggling too but at least im still here. Finding it hard to go home at nights but i know i have to. Been trying to focus on positive things but i know you will all realise sometimes it hard to be constantly positive. Trying to keep spirits up by sayin "in a new city, give it a chance and try and meet new people". A lot of my problem is i have always been a kinda private person and dont let many people in, its just the way i am. Been doing a lot of coke lately, not wise but it helps me thru the weekend and above all else it stops me from thinking about how im feeling and keeps me on the planet so please dont judge.

 

Thanks for the replies and support, it means a lot.

[turqoise]

Jeez, am I glad to hear from you!

Don`t worry, none of us are here to judge.

Lots of love and energy your way.

[RRB]

Struggling today, just cant see anything going my way in terms of a future, hard to explain but just really feel i need to give up. Not much else to say

[gnabna]

hey there! i want you to know that you have more stregnth then you know, just by posting here.

 

please continue the fight, i truly believe this season in your life will lead you to an even better one!

[gnabna]

sorry i know i sound like a cheese ball and honestly in real life i pretty much am mary poppins on crack but i want you to be encouraged there is hope for better tomorrows.

[turqoise]

You`ve done some things to help and distract yourself from this, so good on you. But now you`re down. As hard as it feels, if you can pick up the phone, call a naturotherapist and make an appointment to see them about this depression that has taken a hold of you, that would be doing yourself a big favour. Honestly, they will prescribe you those supplements which will make you feel better within 30 mins. Take care.

[dilbertrob]

RRB, I know exactly how you feel. I was recently dumped by my soulmate as well. I left my first wife and kids to be with her and then after 71/2 years of marriage, she doesn't care about me anymore and she threw me away like a piece of toilet paper. I didn't get an explanation of why either. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for the last 4 months. I have been burying myself in everything from work to sports to my animals to keep me busy. They all help distract from the pain, but when I am alone I feel completely worthless, like no one cares whether I live or die. Well, every day is a struggle, but I've made it 4 months and I am still here. Hang in there and find something everyday to get you through. Knowing that other people are in the same boat as me makes me feel a little better. Good luck and keep fighting.

[RRB]

back again and completely screwed. Long story short i am seriously struggling here and do not know what to do. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up

[turqoise]

I`m glad you`re still around, mate. I thought you`d gone.

Be nice if you replied...hmm or maybe that`s a hint??

Either way, it sounds like you`re going through this whole thing alone...

I`m sure there`s bound to be someone who can help you out if you give us an idea of where you`re at.

[SpiralLove]

Hey Buddy,

 

I've been reading this forum for a long time, finding strength for myself through other people's problems and resolutions, and using other people's advices for myself (no crime in that is it?). Anyhow, after reading your story, I wanted to step in and give your a nudge on the shoulder to help you hang in there.

 

Though I got no helpful advice for you, and I am an extremely futile in character, I just want to let you know that I want you to stay with us.

 

Take care, and keep us posted.

[RRB]

Well without going into specifics my ex girlfrend called the police on sunday as she was worried about me. They came to my house and i went on the defensive saying i was fine. Eventually they lifted me and took me to a doctor for eval due to a duty of care rule they had. Being on the defensive i did not ask for help, instead i told the doctor i was fine and told them all the things a person without problems would tell them. Its not hard to fool these people really.

 

The thing is now im thinking maybe i do need help and im considering calling up the doctor again to go for a chat. My problem now is though, under no circumstances do i want them to be able to hold me if i want to go home. I honestly dont think i would take my own life (although i want my life to end)but i cant be 100% so if i tell them that what will they do ? If they can hold me then there is no point in me even going to see them.

 

I seriously even doubt a chat can help but its worth a try. I dont think anyone can convice me i want to be here when i know myself i dont.

[onelasttime]

hey,

 

I read your post, and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm not going to tell you that I know the pain you are experiencing, because, honestly, I know I don't; no one does. Everyone handles things in their own way.

I am sorry to hear about your best friend/girlfriend. I, too, have been through a lot with love and heartbreak. I know it seems like the end of the world, but you will get through it if you at least try. You are worth something in this world even if you cannot see that. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do not want to see you fail to discover happiness because of her mistake of letting you go. You sound like a really nice guy, and you deserve someone who can make you feel important.

You said you are in a new enviorment now, and it might seem terrible. But maybe this can be a good thing for you to start fresh with new people. Get to know everyone and see where it takes you. Taking your own life is not the answer. People care about you so much, and suicide is somewhat selfish. It's the easy way out for you, but it leaves those who care about you here in torment for the rest of their lives. I have dealed with several cases of suicidal thoughts, some being my own, but I can promise you that there is more out there for you if you would just give it a chance to come along. I can't see the future, but I promise you that one day everything will be better for you, because i believe that sometimes beautiful things come from the worst. If you ever need someone to talk to, or to just listen, you can always come to me.

 

Hang in there and keep your head up.

[turqoise]

Hey,

that`s awesome that you replied.

when you post here, i find that it`s a good place to get your thoughts out and gage it against what other people think. I agree with what the others have said, plus here`s what happened when I went to the doctor for depression.

 

It took me a long time before I decided to go to the doctor (9 months - the constant suicidal thoughts began to scare me, and I realised I couldn`t handle it myself, and it wouldn`t go away if I just tried to harden up.)

I told him that I thought I had depression because I was having suicidal thoughts and couldn`t work or hardly do anything for the last 3 months. All the doctor did was ask me what I think caused it, when it started, what my eating and sleeping was like, gave me a depression questionnaire to try, then told me that I had severe depression and that he could prescribe me medications and that I could look at therapy. It was pretty straightforward. He gave me a couple of numbers to psychologists, and to a lifeline, talked me through the medication options and how it worked. it was like any other diagnosis - I was in there for about 20 minutes and got charged $60.

 

So yeah, not detained or anything! I admit it was a pretty unnerving experience waiting to go to the doctor - in between making the appointment and actually talking with him. I had an overwhelming urge to just go away. But yeah, if you are going to a doctor, I would ask to see someone who specialised or had tons of experience in depression - it`s especially important because some doctors definitely know more than others about it.

[RRB]

Not coping at all at the moment. Feel everything is just too much and happening all at the same time. One at a time maybe i wouldnt feel this way but right now im seriously feeling so its unbelievable and i just dont see an end in sight. Since last saturday i think ive had like 14 hours sleep and hardly ate a thing. I really feel like im going round the bend just now. i need help

[RRB]

Still here and still struggling. Im hardly eating or sleeping and im so alone. Sitting night after night in this house which feels like a prison is doing my head in and i dont know how much more i can take. I constantly think about ending it

[turqoise]

how about you tell us about things you`ve done to be kind to yourself so far?

[RRB]

Well I bought myself a new laptop a few weeks ago. Changed my home cinema set up for new kit, but i find it helps till i get the item i bought, once its sitting in front of me i dont really care about it anymore, dont even care to open it. I have now been to the doctors and been signed off work, got some anti d pills and only got 5 sleeping pills. The sleeping pills did help me get a sleep but now im back to no sleeping. I go to bed and my body is shattered but my mind just wont shut down.

 

I struggle to be able to concentrate for any length of time which makes watching movies etc very hard as i find my mind wandering and losing the plot of the movie, i find i lack enthusiasm to do anything really. I seem to have okish days every now and then. Yesterday i didnt feel to bad. Last weekend i was thinking i wanted to repeatedly stab myself in the neck with a knife. Its very hard to sit with no one to talk to and tell how i feel. Im still not eating properly and have lost a lot of weight, i know thats not helping but its hard to eat something when you have this constant knot in your stomach and im sick sometime after i have eaten.

 

I dont feel lonely as such, i just feel alone.